Miserable at work

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I've got this recurring problem with this co-worker at work, where I'm constantly afraid of offending him, to the point where I don't know what to do anymore, and just shutdown around him, for fear of saying anything that might offend him.

He's pretty stressed out about the project we're working on, and I'm guessing he probably feels like I'm not pulling my weight, when in reality I'm just a Junior who's been struggling to learn enough to do my job well (Software Engineer), with not enough support or guidance from management, and a lack of seniors to get help from. But I get the impression that he thinks I'm just not trying socially to make small talk or improve the atmosphere in the team, which I'm terrible and get really embarassed about, which is why I don't try most of the time, not because I don't like them or anything... but I get the feeling that the impression I'm giving off is that I hate them!

He can be really touchy, and doesn't get along with our new boss. There are other people on the team who know how to get along with him really well, which makes me think he thinks about me: "Why can't he just do the bare minimum social interaction to make the working environment pleasant!?"

I started reading about Aspergers recently, in the last month or so, but one of the negative things that got stuck in my head about it was this fear that, because I'm so bad at picking up or knowing how to respond to people, and I feel I always respond inappropriately and come across as angry or miserable whenever someone tries to say something nice to me, that it's dragging me further into this situation where I'm just unable to act normally and I've got this fear that I'm making everyone around me at work uncomfortable that has to interact with me.

Most of the time I'm just screaming in my head to have people understand that I'm not angry at them, it's just that because I'm upset most of the time, which makes the problem of knowing and acting appropriately so much harder. But of course just saying something like that, no one would believe you, because they rely and trust body language more that anything I would say.

Anyway, I'm just ranting really...

I'm sorry - that sucks. I have always offended people at work (and other places) without meaning to for similar reasons. Even just being polite/professional isn't enough eventually - they think you're being rude because you don't then do that social minimum thing, the next level up. Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions. I'm curious what others have done.

Try smiling when other people are smiling, that's something. If you think your smile isn't natural enough, google 'face yoga' for some facial muscle exercises, that really helps.

It is possible that this is a person expects that everyone will behave the way that he thinks they should for example because he wants to show off how good he is with managing people; it's easier to bully someone (in hope he'd leave) who don't easily fit I than to support him to fit in a bit better. If you think that's what it is, try to be friendly with other people and ignore him, I mean not on a professional level of course. However, it may get worse before it gets better.

@Maple78: Exactly! I've always felt that I've hit that problem at one stage or another with most relationships or situations...


I do think working on learning some social skills like that mechanically might be a way to help with things. It seems a bit silly on some levels, but I know I've got to try something.

I feel I made a bit of a mess about things between us, because, the background was:
There were a group of us that were there when I started, and we used to go to lunch often and did a few social things outside of work that I got invited to. They were older than me but I tagged along because they invited me I guess. I only realised after a long time, it took me maybe a year to realise that they were all in very different stages in their lives than me and valued different things to me.
So he did kinda support me in a way at the beginning when he was trying to be friendly and I was glad to have someone smart to talk to. But I think I realised at some stage that our outlook didn't line up? He was the kinda guy who really wanted to do well, and I think probably found it awkward talking to someone who didn't have much going for him in the sense of "success" in the "normal" sense of the word.
Eventually he realised that I wasn't all that interested in carrying on, and maybe he felt burned about that.

The truth is, I realised recently, or he kinda made clear to my boss that work comes first for him, and it's at the point where I'm just uncomfortable around him. I guess that's not something I've readily admitted? I used to assume that the blame lay solely with me, but with most other people I'm awkward around, I don't feel they take it personally when I'm weird, and it's not something I worry about as much with other people as with him, in terms of whether I offended them.

Anyway thanks for the replies , it's a way of maybe thinking about it without devolving so much into just ruminating about the problem.