struggling to even get voluntary work now...

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I've come to the eventual, and unfortunate, realisation that I'm completely unemployable. I'm 30 years old and have somehow made it to this age without ever having had a full-time job. It's been eight years since I last had a paid job which wasn't remote and freelance, and even then it was only a one-off temp job. That's how grim the situation is right now.

But I thought I was a solid candidate for volunteering, because you know it's basically working without them having to pay you anything. Until now.

I just came out of possibly the most disastrous interview I've ever had (I think there might have been *one* which was worse in my past but I've obviously blocked it from my memory). My train stalled on the tracks on the way there so I had to literally run there and was still 5-10 minutes late, there was NO one at reception so I had to wander around making a fool of myself as I barely coherently asked a random worker where my interview might be. The interviewer found me only by chance and took me down to the interview room where there were two other people (I don't deal well with other people suddenly appearing) and they all sat at different angles around the room so I didn't even know how to position myself. Needless to say, it didn't go well. Before you ask, there was nowhere on the application form to disclose AS and I can't bring myself to verbalise it to someone I don't know very well, so I was screwed from beginning to end.

The worst part is that this is an organisation which is highly influential in the country I'm from, in the sector I want to work in, and in addition to having a borderline meltdown at my last volunteering placement - another major "player" in the line of work I want to get into - I feel like I'm unwillingly decimating my own chances at ever leading a remotely productive life. I used to be enthusiastic, motivated and actually believed I was in with a chance at becoming "normally" employed and independent, but I've been living off of my parents (before being moved fully onto benefits) for my entire life. I would never have chosen this "lifestyle" but if anything I feel like I'm regressing and that my AS is actually being made worse by my circumstances, if that's even possible.

I've got a new specialist employment support worker (the last two failed utterly to find me *any* suitable job whatsoever) who actually seems to have faith in me, telling me that I have valuable and relevant skills and that I'd make a great employee and I just have to be able to "sell myself" (funnily enough, not the thing I'm best at... isn't it odd how they talk about people now, and not just products, in terms of selling and buying?)

But I've reached a stage now where my motivation is back on a downhill slide, I've more or less checked out and resigned to doing little more than acquiring a nice little hobby, best case scenario. It just feels like a rut I've been in for literally years now, and getting out of ruts has never really been my forte.

Hi,

I see it has been over 6 months since you posted this. Well I'm here with a similar story to tell.

I am 34, and when I was 30, I was in a happier place in my life. I had lots of opportunities, lots of doors were opening for me. 3 years before that, I had just left my first paid job because of stress and tiredness, and subsequently I turned my hand to volunteering. I believed it would benefit me as it was less formal and less rigorous than paid work, and also there was the bonus of giving back to the community which also appealed to me. So for 2 years I had 2 voluntary jobs which I enjoyed, until 2012. I went that whole year without having anything that even looked like a job, which really got me down. Then in January 2013, to my delight, my local branch of Scope agreed to take me on. It felt so amazing to be back in the game. That year I also helped at my local Brownies, which I also enjoyed, and I just generally felt great about life.

Now, 3 years later, all those doors that were opening for me are now closing one by one. Last year, desperate to get back into paid work, I signed up with Remploy, but all they really did to help me was just rewrite my cv and help me apply for jobs (the same way non-autistic people do). Not one of the applications was successful, and my Remploy adviser spent a lot of the time patronising me. Eventually I saw sense and dispensed with their services - and shortly after, the charity shop I volunteered at sacked me as well. I thought, that's just the last straw. I'm finished. Even non-profit organisations won't touch me.

Then, suddenly, my luck improved. A recruitment agency agreed to take me on for full time warehouse work. I jumped at the chance, and worked 8 hours a day, including weekends. But after 2 weeks, I decided to pack it in. It was even more stressful than my first paid job. Although I didn't hate the actual job, I just hated the hours and the irregularity of the working week. A month later, I saw an advert for a part time vacancy at the same warehouse (in this case, 4 hours a day, which I thought would be much more manageable). But just as I got to the entrance, the supervisor turned me away, saying "sorry, we can't take you back - we think you would have a problem working with people ". This really crushed me to pieces. I didn't have that problem first time around. I was fine. They misunderstood me. Disappointment is not the word!

Soon after, I went back to the very first charity shop I worked at, which was now under new management. Although this new manager claimed she was used to dealing with autistic people, she acted like she expected me to become neurotypical tomorrow. She seemed surprised at my inability to initiate conversations - has she never seen that in other autistics? I was so fed up with her treatment of me that I quit after 2 months.

So, here I am, back at square one, struggling to get a foot in the door all over again. I am as close to the brink as its possible to be. Will any organisation - even a non-profit - take an interest in me? Will they look at me and see a capable person? Or will they just see autism - a barrier? The longer I wait for the door of opportunity to open for me, the more I feel like poo. Like I have no purpose or worth to society.

^^ I suggest you stop telling employers / potential employers (and anybody else, for that matter), that you're Autistic----they will, from that moment on, be repeatedly terribly judgmental, scrutinizing, discriminatory, impatient, etc., etc., etc.