damned if I do, damned if I don't

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I know you are not supposed to make friends with co-workers on the job because they could screw you over and make things really awkward on the job. At the same time, if you aren't buddy buddy with people in the job, you are seen as antisocial and weird. I basically feel damned if I do, damned if I don't. I am professional in the job and I make effort to get along with everybody and be friendly. Being autistic, I will never fit in anywhere. Do any of you feel this way?

Oh, yes indeed! The unwritten rule, "Be friendly, but not a friend, to co-workers" seems to work most of the time. I'm pleasant enough (I guess) -- I smile, say "Hello, how are you?" and all that good stuff -- but I don't share any personal information (i.e., dreams, fears, opinions about the boss, et cetera). I still don't know exactly where to "draw the line" of personal boundaries, as they seem to differ from person to person, and from situation to situation with any one person.

A woman once told me not to "blow kisses" at her---or the boss might see.

She did say, though, that she would like to be "very good friends" with me.

I left it at that, gloried in the compliment, and just stopped blowing kisses at her.

Yup. At every job I go to, including my current job. I have nothing in common with any of my coworkers outside of the one friend I got hired on; he's the only one I actually go out of my way to converse with. Everyone else I try to avoid getting caught in filler conversations with. It's a blue-collar environment, so I was kinda going into this knowing what to expect.

Perhaps you could deal with this by being friendly and boring? When people try to talk to you, you could bring up something that no one would want to keep talking about, like what your cat eats, for example. When they bring up their interests you could just feign ignorance, and try not to seem interested in it?

i agree that this tactic could be most effective in dealing with neurotypicals who seem to always hang around wanting to talk about nonsensical things like how they had to wait in line at the coffee for their favorite latte only the barista got their name wrong and why can't baristas even smile when there is no reason to like when it has been raining for days with no sunshine which reminds me of a tom petty song about running down a dream speaking of dreams I had that weird one again last night in which i had to speak in church and had forgotten my trousers and the worst part is that nobody ever notices the lack of flowers on the front law where I planted them last year to repel the neighborhood cats so that they would not dig up the dirt to do their dirty business because it makes the yard smell bad like the dumpster at the coffee shop where people go to get their favorite latte only the barista got their name wrong and why can't baristas even smile when there is no reason to like when it has been raining for days with no sunshine which reminds me of a tom petty song about running down a dream speaking of dreams I had that weird one again last night in which i had to speak in church and had forgotten my trousers and the worst part is that nobody ever notices the lack of flowers on the front law where I planted them last year to repel the neighborhood cats so that they would not dig up the dirt to do their dirty business because it makes the yard smell bad like the dumpster at ...

I don't need to "feign" or "try" at all; I guess I'm just naturally gifted!

Most people that I work with are not good people. If I don't have to interact with them, I will avoid them as much as possible. Otherwise, I will pretend to be cool with them, because it makes no sense when people are just fighting with each other all the time. Even the grouchy people there that everyone hates, I'll be nice to, and I get the same in return.

There's one guy that I've hung out with outside of work, I suspect he might be on the spectrum. We don't hang out often though, because we're always busy working or sleeping.

It really kills your chances of networking if you can't get beyond the acquaintance stage with people. When it comes time to lay people off, the boss will keep the people that he or she is best buddies with rather than the guy that could never get beyond the acquaintance stage with anyone even though he is considerably more proficient at the job than the boss's best buddies.

Who said you are not supposed to make friends with co-workers? This is the silliest thing I ever heard. We spend a third of our weekday lives at work, I never had much energy for after work, so where would I make friends? Thinking someone could screw you over seems a little paranoid.

You do need to be judicious about who you make friends with. I'd say go very slow.

And of course, it's really bad business to have a romance or sexual relationship at work. These things do happen and if you feel it's worth the risk, just go very slow.

I'm a believer in the old fashioned concept of character. Character only divulges itself over long observation. If you know a person to be genuine and kindly motivated, as well as accepting of your foibles and flaws, it would be ridiculous not to enter a friendship with them.

We all need friends! And most autistic people need more friends!

Treat others how you would like to be treated ☺

I'm doing better at work these days. I got a couple of people at work that I get along great with. I took my time getting to know them. We have really great conversations and we work really well together. Their words match their actions.

There is nothing wrong with watching your back at work. My dad has gotten screwed over a few times at different jobs. People he thought he got along with threw him under the bus when it came time for layoffs. My dad being a guy with autism has a harder time with socializing and figuring people out. In my experience, autistic men often have more severe socializing issues than autistic women because autistic women can usually mask their autism more easily.

I’ve seen people who treat co-workers like s**t whenever they can get away with it, to make sure they don’t accidentally become friends.

Are bosses so stringent on stuff like that...Like if you blew kisses did he see you as rivalry? Just seems so weird to me sometimes people mention their work boss...like a parent or someone always watching them. Like who created this culture where a boss gets all the say even in your personal life. I mean I feel it is almost so bad a work boss could tell their employees. End all your relationships, and over half of them would bite. Just totally willing to give their entire life over to an employer...I just don't get it.

It's very easy, really. Noöne needs to "create" such "culture"; dependence alone will do. If you know you can't afford to lose your job and your boss knows it, too, there's no abuse on their part that you can afford not to tolerate.

It's the same as with parents. If you know you're very ill-prepared to survive without them, have no social life and no marketable skills, don't know much about the outside world in general and can't even realistically go to any place where you might find help without relying on them for transport, they know you live in constant fear of being kicked out and can do whatever they want with you, including things that hurt even more your chances to attain independence, or worsen any other problem you'd need to solve to lead a healthy and well-spent life. It's your problem, not theirs.

Yeah I know, its just downright disgusting though....I hate it, I hate it and well I hate it...but not sure what to do about it. Right now just working on getting a job myself which so far I have gotten signed up with a place that should be able to help. At first I guess there is a three week assesment of work abilities or whatever, but I'll get paid for any work I do. Then they have some on site jobs or other employers and people they work with that can hire people. But yeah I mean I have skills I can do things, but I just can't handle the corporate job environment....Like I just can't and hard to explain in a way the disability administration can understand. They always ask questions about daily functioning at home...but that doesn't show anything. Sure at home I can make myself comfortable and control my environment more so I can get more relaxed. My disabilities don't really come to light that way its when I leave the safe space I have made my home into and am trying to get along with the rest of the world. And difficulties with communicating with people like employers. Can't really describe that in the context of home life...because that is my chill space my home is where I go to relax and recover so I feel more comfortable there. That does not reflect how I function outside of my home however. I mean so many times I think of going for a walk or something just to get out for a while but I usually chicken out because i am worried about running into other people and having it get akward.....I mean I used to think living in a city might be nice, but did not factor in all the people and how crowded it can feel. Like literally I don't want to go out because there will be other people out and that makes me nervous. Though as a teen a regularly walked quite a ways from home but we lived more in the country and while there were less people there was a higher chance of being attacked by a wild animal. And I almost prefer the risk of animal attack to the constant people always everywhere. I never worried much because I figured I'd just grab the nearest stick and ward off any predators. I mean mountain lions regularly roam the rockies and for my teen years I lived in a place they roam....but honestly being around more people makes me more anxious than the prospect of a mountain lion attacking. I mean its more likely a mountain lion will just watch you from afar and not attack, a person is statistically more likey to attack you than a secretive mountain lion.

The only animal attack I faced while living there was some person with some rather vicious dogs that were not at that point contained in a fence. They were barking and growling at me and a couple of them lunged. So I grabbed a nearby stick, biggest one I could find because I thought I might have to fight off the dogs. I was just walking to a park but these dogs were in my path and being aggressive so I grabbed the stick to protect myself. But then a big black dog with long hair came out seemed like from maybe even a different yard...but for whatever reason this big dog growled at the other dogs and they backed off some. By that point I had dropped the stick because I was amazed this other dog came out and with his/her growl the other dogs backed off. And so I started to continue on my way and the dog followed me part of the way while still looking at those other dogs and once I was a safe distance away the dog just ran back to wherever he came from. But basically a dog stopped other dogs from attacking me and than protected me as I continued on my way. Random dog like I never interacted with it before and for some reason it protected me. I mean I thought I'd have to try and defend myself with the stick I grabbed I was sure of it untill that dog came and helped.

I just cannot for the life of me figure out why or how that dog showed up at just the right time, but for some reason he/she did.

sorry not trying to derail just got on a bit of a tangent.