Help surviving my job and my commute????

Post Reply New Topic

Well, for the moment I'm actually in what seems like a reasonably stable job. Let's see if I can break my personal record of two years in the same position (I'm not counting the three years I spent working from home before the government cut the funding for that job). But it's killing me.

The good: a high proportion of my work is solitary, most of my co-workers are NT but quite introverted so they don't bug me as much as extrovert NTs would, and both HR and my immediate supervisor know about my diagnosis. The company funds a lot of autism support (though, of course, all for children, so sometimes there are problems with them not quite getting that a 38-year-old fully verbal woman can have autism, not just a 7-year-old boy who rocks and has trouble using words). I did once get the WORST comment from my supervisor, when she was telling me that some of my co-workers had a grudge against me for not having children (again, I do love that my supervisor tells me stuff the way it is and respects my request to avoid wiggle words that I won't understand), where she more or less asked whether I could LEARN TO NOT BE AUTISTIC (in her defense, she believed me when I explained that I could learn to mimic many NT behaviors, but that the internal brain experience would always be autistic, but it still sounded SO MUCH LIKE THAT SCENE IN X2 WHERE THE MOM ASKS IF HER SON HAS TRIED NOT BEING A MUTANT!! !! !!)

OK, well there's the ranting done. But still, it's a cubicle job, and while I used to have a folding paper screen to serve as a de facto door it was taken away a few months ago for very unclear reasons and I'm scared to ask why because the handbook was mentioned, even though other employees on other teams have them. I'm constantly hyperaware to see if anyone is sneaking up on me. I have a mirror in my cube (I tell people it's because sometimes I go deep in the zone, but it's really there to make it harder to sneak up on me--can you tell I have a problem with being observed??) The lights are flourescent, of course. The management style at upper levels is very political and backstabbing, and I'm an empath Aspie so I can just FEEL the fear seeping down into me even if I'm not specifically the one who's afraid. I wear a fitness tracker, and since I started this job I haven't seen a resting heart rate below 100 even though I'm on medication. That's not right.

There is a "Wellness Room" which is an amazing potential resource. I'm guessing it was built for an executive who is a migraineur, because it is easy to shut out all light in there and it often smells like peppermint. But anyone can spend their lunch hour in there. If I can snag it, there's a locking door, lights that all turn off, a chaise lounge, an exercise ball, and a toilet. I often hide in there but wonder if there are ways to use it more effectively. I also keep a blackout mask at my desk, but I'm nervous about being seen wearing it even to meditate for 10 minutes and get back on track.

Oh, and management DOES know about the autism but DOESN'T know about the raging ADHD. Which I can't take stimulants for because of my heart health so I'm having to try to control it with a mix of a fourth-tier drug choice and lots of expensive botanicals. And coffee to mimic Adderall. And, well, sometimes Xanax and coffee at the same time. . . . But I'm utterly terrified of being observed, well, having a work pattern that would look like a lot of loafing if you don't understand ADHD. Despite the fact that I am LITERALLY THE ONLY PERSON ON MY TEAM WHO SUBMITS ALL THEIR WORK ON TIME. Not kidding.

It's strictly drug-free, so even though I have a legal marijuana card in my state that's not an option, not even CBD. If I was caught I'd be fired. I had to abstain for a month to pass my pee test.

And then there's the commute. It's slightly more than an hour even with perfect traffic, on a busy highway with lots of trucks and lots of psycho drivers. I've already had one severe rear-ender, and one near miss only averted because the rental car I got WHILE my car was in the body shop (where it still is) had an electronic eye connected to a tactile sensor that let me swerve away from the Camaro. So more panic attacks but at least no more new blown discs to join the five I already have.

What techniques, or gadgets, or anything, can be used discreetly and safely both in an open office and on the road so that I can keep my stress level manageable? I have a weighted blanket for home but that's too obtrusive at work. And I'm struggling to think of anything for the car that won't make me TOO relaxed and therefore unsafe to drive. I've tried to look into hug vests, but they seem to be only made in children's sizes, and I'm, um, a woman with a 40DDD chest. Any brilliant hacks?

Before anyone says "get a new job"--I've both put out feelers at a Fortune 500 in the area that I know is extremely autism-friendly, and I'm seriously considering disability. The car accident injuries are bad enough that I could probably win an LTD case, and with both that and SSDI I could afford to just quit and live off disability insurance. But I'll have a preexisting condition issue with my LTD policy unless I last in this job for a year and a day, so at the very minimum, I have to have a more bearable experience between now and January 2019, at which point I can assess whether I might have a workable situation elsewhere, or whether the combination of chronic pain and mental illness would add up to a winning case where my benefits wouldn't just end after 2 years because there would be non-mental-illness factors to file too.

So, ideas for me to make it to January 2019, or longer if the ideas are so effective that I don't have to declare myself too disabled to work and go to court? Techniques or products, preferably both. Needs to be continuous or have some kind of automated alert, because with the ADHD anything I have to remember to use will totally just sit in my desk while I suffer.

Ideas to help with the commute would be hugely appreciated. I have a comfortable, well-made car (if it EVER comes back from the body shop) with a lot of safety features. I'm a safe driver (I've been in a lot of accidents, but every single one was legally ruled the other guy's fault), but quite phobic due to the repeated accidents and my mother saying to me when I was an (undiagnosed) teenager that she thought I'd never be able to drive because I was such a space cadet. Telecommute is not an option. They wouldn't even let me do that for the first week after the rear-ender when my DOCTOR WOULDN'T LET ME DRIVE THEY MADE ME TAKE AN UBER TO WORK AND IT'S 60 MILES THANK GOD MY RETIRED DAD CAME DOWN TO CHAUFFEUR ME INSTEAD!

Telling someone to get a different job would be cliche. You're in a tough spot with a crap job.

I don't have any ideas but at least let me say I understand. Maybe your medical professional has something.

I can say that your boss is a piece of work. Could you talk with an,ADA specialist lawyer for some of the issues in your work accommodations?

I care and I don't even know you but your pain is too real.

Thanks. And this is one of my GOOD bosses. The one who listed obvious ASD symptoms like "uses too many big words" on my disciplinary report even when she knew about my diagnosis and fired me even though she said straight out that all of my actual job skills were top notch, she just didn't like me socially. . .that one was a way bigger piece of work!! !

I'm not quite at the point of contacting an employment lawyer (that's on my list if I do end up going on disability, but I'm too young to live on the proceeds of an ADA suit while becoming completely unemployable because I sued my boss--I'd need to win disability too), but my personal injury lawyer has passed my name to the best one in town past his normal screening process, and I'm documenting all this crap if it comes to that. And I have the business card from the EEOC trainer who did a disability presentation a few months ago (in which a number of employees, not my department but it still freaked me out, said some really offensive things about ADA and perceived special treatment of disabled persons).

You have a terrific head on your shoulders. I was just trying to toss ideas around. I saw your extreme discomfort and was wishing I could help. Yeah you're right in not doing a lawsuit yet. You'll know when it's time.

Just know that you are an incredible person sticking it out each day in your 9-5.

Can you be less autistic? Someone asked you that? Ouch.

No, the direct quote was "Can't you learn not to be autistic". Really. Talk about a little knowledge of occupational therapy leading to a super offensive statement!! !! ! How about I learn not to have five herniated discs while I'm using the magic reality-bending powers of my mind? Sheesh.

Either way, it was not cool for someone to ask you that.

I hear ya on the commute. I used to have a similar commute that also included a mountain. California is full of those. Loving flat Florida.

You live in Orlando too? No way! So you get I-4 and psycho speed demon drivers who don't use turn signals.

I was on I-4 two years ago and scared beyond belief. Same feeling about 528 and I-95 on the coast. Thankfully my job doesn't require those roads to get there. Another bad road. 46 from Mims to Sanford.

Something that helped me was to request a disability accommodation of a reduced schedule. This was at a state job. Since I was hourly, that meant they paid me less - and I still accomplished just as much work, just fewer hours in the cube.

I think my request was a 35/40 FTE.

I also requested a modified work schedule to allow me to take an adaptive yoga class.

Both of these requests were granted. Now, I did not have to disclose autism because I have physical disabilities and used fatigue/chronic pain disorder as my disability. Actually when I arranged this, I did not even know I had autism, so that's a moot point.

Anyway, it's not only the grisly nature of the commute, but the total hours in a day you are trying to function, that are screwing you.

Hope this suggestion is helpful to you. Good luck!

Thanks. Unfortunately it's already been spelled out to me without my asking that anything less than full time will result in dismissal.

I now have a very serious lead (as in, straight to f2f with hiring manager in about 10 days) on a different job. It's only a 30 minute commute instead of 90, and it's a much larger company that I'm interested in. But...it's contract. I'm in a field where contract is common, but it's still a limited term contract unless I can turn it perm-to-hire. Has health insurance but not group disability.

The Remodel From Hell is still going forward. Starting in February. All code words point to full open office, though plans are still secret below manager level. The remodel where we have to stay in the same building while they saw through walls full of VOCs and roach poop. I have sensory issues; I was sick all day when they just replaced a window pane. And then after that, if my detective skills are on point (and a sympathetic co-worker thinks they are), Open Office Hell.

Am I insane to give up full benefits and go back to contract? Or is this potentially my way out of the toxicity and EEOC violations, and an escape hatch before the Remodel From Hell ruins my productivity and I'm fired?

The company I'm at has a high turnover--it's not just me. But great benefits. But a 90 minute commute when I'm car phobic and have a bad back. Other company has a good disability rights reputation, and in my field just doing 6-12 months contracts indefinitely is common and not a black mark. But still...no group disability insurance and a ticking clock. But a job at a better company with 2 hours less on the road every day. And no remodel. Thoughts???

I probably would go for the contract job. It's a tough call, but it seems to me it's better to do things that improve your health and functioning now, rather than plan to go on a disability policy later after staying in a situation you know is harming you. The shorter commute and no remodeling sound awfully appealing.

Thanks for weighing in. It's a good opportunity, but a pretty complex risk calculus so it's good to talk it thru!

I wish someone would leave the new office concept plans "just lying by the copier" by accident!! That's one bit of hard data I don't have. I do know they're already going to the furniture warehouse before selecting an interior designer. That sounds an awful lot like getting rid of the cube walls and then giving the dimensions of their preferred new seating to the interior design candidates. Agree or disagree with analysis? CEO keeps calling new design "modern".