Yesterday, I bailed on a shift.
My current work involves doing data research, which means I often go around surveying people. Yesterday I had a shift where I had to do that. It was outdoors in a busy location, the kind where people walk past you without giving you a second look. I have done this particular survey before so I knew already that I was capable of it, and it should have been okay. But it wasn't. As the first hour went by I gradually became more and more agitated, and although I tried to rein it in, I ended up in floods of tears. On the inside I felt worthless and inadequate, and I felt that I couldn't do it. It got so bad that I ended up locking myself in a bathroom cubicle for about an hour, and I texted work to tell them I couldn't continue with it.
The whole thing left me feeling like a horrible person. I thought I was making progress with my self-esteem problems, and did not expect to ever bail on a shift like that. Today, I ended up doing effectively nothing all day because I woke up feeling really low and ended up crying again this morning, feeling inadequate and useless.
I don't know why I'm posting this. It's mostly just a rant, a way to try and stop feeling like a horrible and useless human being.
I am so sick of having self-esteem problems.
26 Nov 2018, 7:24 pm
