Hello,
I am a 37-year-old diagnosed with Autism Level 1 (Asperger's). I am lucky to be blessed with a high level of intelligence and an insatiable appetite for learning new things. With these gifts, I thrived in school. I loved science and have had a lifelong obsession with wanting to understand the laws of nature. I received my Ph.D. in Biochem, Molecular, and Cell Bio in 2013. That is where my impressive resume ends.
I wanted to continue a career in research. But despite the fact that I fit in well with my like-minded classmates and thrived on our intellectual conversations and shared nerdiness, I struggled through grad school. Why? My lacking social skills made it difficult for me to network and form collaborations. Sensory sensitivities made conferences overwhelming. Group meetings were confusing and too fast paced for me. Troubles with organization and switching focus made it difficult to balance day-to-day adult life with my work. I was constantly exhausted but couldn't sleep due to anxiety. I faced tremendous guilt for not being able to live up to the work ethic that I desired and thought others expected of me. I became depressed and was burnt out by the time my qualifying exam came along. I managed to hold it together for the exam and immediately collapsed into a deep depression. Luckily, I was allowed a leave from school for a few months, but was burnt out again after completing my degree. After my thesis defense, immediately after, I collapsed again. I didn't even celebrate.
I tried to move on to a post-doctoral position, but I wasn't ready, and the position was not a good fit. I had been trying to manage my mental health but got put on medications that made me worse instead of better. In less than a year, I was burnt out again. After a 6-month leave during which I struggled to find adequate mental health support, I was out of money and ended up taking a temporary teaching job which turned out to be hell. The job could have destroyed even the most mentally stable. I only lasted 2 months. I ended up in the hospital for a time, and by the time I got out, the only job I could procure was grading papers online. I've been doing that job for 5 years. During that time I moved back to my hometown and managed to reconnect with a former therapist. She has been a lifesaver.
Even though I am mostly happy and minimally stressed these days, I feel incredibly unfulfilled and out of place. I live in an area where academics is not high on most people's list of priorities. I am starved for contact with like-minded individuals and intellectual stimulation. My job is repetitive and monotonous, pure torture for someone obsessed with learning. Last year I started teaching part-time at a community college while continuing to grade papers part-time, which helped to reduce the monotony somewhat. I've applied to a number of full-time positions, had a few interviews, but have yet to land a more stimulating job. I would prefer to get back into research, but have been out too long and can't get my foot back in the door. My poor social skills make interviews difficult and incredibly overwhelming. Even if I could get back in the door, it is likely that I will still struggle with the same issues I had in grad school. I think that the only chance I have of avoiding burnout is to have social support in the workplace and someone to help with my day-to-day responsibilities at home (cooking, cleaning, finances, etc.), neither of which are options for me. I know I could be a brilliant scientist if I didn't have to struggle with basic life skills and could just focus on my work. I feel like there is no solution for me.
I think it would help if I could at least find others like me out there. At the very least it could fulfill my need for peer connections, but I hope that we could come together and find a solution for us. I'd love to see an advocacy group that could help autistics with advanced degrees to procure stimulating work and manage our daily lives. Please shout out if you are out there and let's start a discussion!
Carrie
17 Jun 2020, 12:25 am
