Meltdown at work...again

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Lately these seem to be coming more often than usual....

I come into work early and happy because I cleaned up a little before I left yesterday afternoon...my desk was pretty clean as was my lab bench. I immediately took care of all my little post-it reminders to fill samples, order raw materials and lab supplies, talk to my boss about this stupid professional development think I have to write.....

Well I didn't get to the last one before I asked her to evaluate a batch I made the other day. And she got pissed and said she wouldn't because I never handed in my professional development and she had to ask me a third time......then she pointed to a box she said she asked me to move yesterday and I didn't......she had every right to be pissed....I'm such a f*ckup it's almost comical.....

Well something in my snapped...I got that dizzy feeling and my heart started pounding. My vision got all fuzzy and my knees felt weak...the room started to spin....I grabbed my razor I use to open boxes and slashed my hand open.....and barely missed a vein. as usual no one was paying attention and saw me....I put gloves on so no one would see me bleeding....it eventually stopped.....then as soon as it started, it stopped. There someting about the endorphin rush pain causes that calms me down (not to say this is a healthy way to manage stress). I went and typed out my plans for this year....knowing if I don't accomplish everything I say I'm going to...I will do more harm to myself than if I had not made any big plans for the year.....just an official way to set myself up for failure I suppose......can't I just say I plan to not be such a f*uckup and be done with it.....

Then I decided to book a flight to Orlando to go to a big seminar (my company isn't going to pay for any of this).....I also register for the seminar which costs $600, thinking ti will make my boss happy if I go. I tell her about it, and she says I actually have to use my vacation days to go......so here it comes, another meltdown.....but this time I avoid opening another wound, or banging my head against a desk......I just throw my cell phone which happened to ring at an inappropriate time.......

How is it that I even have a job, let alone have received several promotions in the four years I've been here?? Do they know I'm a fraud. Do they know I'm insane?.....probably not.

hi man and wlecome

what's your work?

You were being attacked and felt a natural fight or flight response. You made the correct decision not to attack someone who was attacking you,(justified or not...and I don't think it was....you were being attacked). The task that you were procrastinating about...is it something that you are having problems with because you are afraid it won't be perfect or because it is just so mind numbingly boring or a stupid task???All those things can make a simple task more difficult.

So you didn't move a box...does she never forget to do something. Why do managers spend more time focusing on something we don't do or do wrong instead of the 99% we do better then the next worker? Why...because they can. They can have a bad personal problem and take it out on the nearest person they perceive lower or weaker then them.


You are angry that your company is expecting you to take your vacation and spend your own money on something that you don't want to do because...it is wrong and exploitive. Companies and businesses think they own us because they pay us to do a job...it has gotten increasingly worse over the past few years. This is the return of the feudal system. We are expected to work harder and longer for less and less.

You are angry because you are logical and know this instinctively but trying to repress it because...you need a job.

Don't forget to use Bacatracin on that cut...your not a f^&*-up and you might want to get your resume in order. Never hurts to be prepared for the final blow-out. Please don't go postal though, Aspies don't need any more bad press.

Thank you......no really. This really is a cool place. If I had posted that on any other forum people would be posting numbers to crisis centers and suicide hotlines and telling me I need help ASAP. I am not suicidal and I don't sit there cutting myself for hours and hours because I'm sad and no-one likes me. I didn't mean to come so close to a vein. I did it in a fleeting moment of blind rage.....once then it's over. Usually if there is nothing to throw and brake or if I'm repressing the urge to scream at someone (I'm good at controlling this)....I'll bang my head on my desk over and over or cut myself or something to generate pain....because I know what the endorphins will do......


Moving the box she told me to yesterday....come on, I don't have an M.S. in Chemistry to move boxes....I didn't put it there, so I guess it would slip my mind to move it....

Yeah the task I was procrastinating about was something menial, stupid, and pointless. I had to make a list of measurable goals to accomplish this year. I hate thinking about long term plans......I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, but so far as planning what I'm going to do for an entire year to make myself a better cosmetic formulator...it's like I hit a wall....I can't think of anything besides "don't be a f*ckup." Put nicely "pay attention to detail (not too much though), keep focused, and don't make silly mistakes." No that's not "measurable."
So I was told by my boss basically what to write. "Participate in technology presentations to marketing, participate in more meetings, and to go to a seminar or a continuing education course." Well I missed the cheaper seminar in my area, so I have to go to the big expensive one in Florida. I already booked the flight and registered....it will be good to get out for a few days.....if I didn't go to a seminar I would have not reached my goals I set for myself this year......

My anger does stem from the sheer nonsense of this place. I don't understand office politics. Why people lie, why all the backstabbing, why the secrets, why aren't people just open and direct????

How many sane people do you think would survive their sanity if they were forced to live in an insane asyluem...maybe 5%. Now how many would if you tryied to convince them that they were the insane ones and the people eating their own feces were the sane ones..../Well, that is what is like working in most job environments. There are so many illogical, counter-productive, cruel and harmful things that are excepted as "just the way things are"...any sane person would be hard pressed to maintain their sanity.(I think Luois Black illustrates this well on several human excepted insanities...better to laught then cry about it).

Yeah, I used to cut for the endorphines along with a few other reasons(depersonilization and numbness), none of them had anything to do with suicide. It really helps when you stop thinking that most humans are sane...they aren't. It's an inconvenient reality to be locked in the psychward with them,(I do avoid them as much as possible) but I make the best of it I can to hold onto my own...somedays, are better then others...I also use chemical crutchs (nicotine and Effexor).

Hope you enjoy WP and your trip to Florida

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.
Once a friend was fretting about why people said such awful things about her work (she's an artist) and I said it was because most everybody is stupid. I thought she would be appalled by my view, but she thought for a minute, and then said, "Thanks. That helps."
So instead of "why are they stupid?" just think, "oh, that's stupid." and go on. Scott Adams phrases it: Everybody is stupid in most areas. He was an engineer and when he could not make his cell phone work, he took it into the company and a teenager with great boredom popped the back, reversed the batteries, and handed the now working phone back to the engineer.

yeah, i had a meltdown yesterday.... had a meeting...and it was OMFGZ boring as hell...before it started we had a 45 minute mingle session....i hung outside for 43 minutes of it ... and then during the meeting i tried to listen and pay attention...but the meltdown was already triggered from the mingle time... although i was slightly entertained/distracted since a guy behind me kept saying "check please"....

I so know what you are talking about here. I hope this doesn't sound too crazy, but here are a few of my coping strategies.

1) When ever I can, I try to put away sharp objects. When I'm in melt-down mode, it's generally too hard for me to fiddle around with a drawer or open up a safety lock - I have to calm down first. And when I calm down, I'm sane enough not to cut myself.

2) When I do lose it, I try to aim for the outside of my fore-arm i.e. the side that connects to the back of your hand, not the palm. It's fairly difficult to hit anything vital there, it's usually pretty easy to bandage, and you can cover it up by wearing long sleeved shirts.

3) I've trained myself to primarily use my nails. Scratching yourself is way safer then using a tool like a desk or a blade. It's harder to do real damage, and if you can do it in small enough movements someone can be looking right at you and not realize what's happening - it just looks like you're figitting.