Falling apart at the job.

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I've been working at a self-advocacy organisation for about two months now, under a contract they have with a local Learning Disability Partnership Board. Unfortunately, things are going from bad to worse and I can't see myself keeping this job until the end of the year, never mind when the contract expires/comes up for renewal next year.

I don't seem to be able to communicate very well with my line manager and I've found myself just doing things I've been told to do and then finding that I was going about completely and totally the wrong way of doing them - and I'm then wondering just WTF I've been doing and why; I can't even explain my actions to myself. Getting yelled at about it by the boss also reinforces the point that this isn't working out well either.

Last 12-18 months or so I've had some pretty nasty bouts of depression (kicked off by cracking up under the strain of a failing relationship); it doesn't help when my ability to handle stress is poor either. Getting stressed about work seems to be making the depression flare up more, which does not help.

Any advice?

no real advce, just an observation.
if what you are describing is, in fact depression, it may not be a bad thing in the long run to stop working.
depression on its own is bad.
unrecognised depression is the wprst kind

From what you've described, this job doesn't seem like a good fit for you. There are places that actually value unconventional problem solving (because it sounds to me like that's what you're doing.) That should be one of the top skills listed on your resume

I've been there myself - getting depressed because I was just in the wrong situation. Nothing I did was the way my boss would have done it - and it caused a lot of stress for everyone. So I made a list of my strengths & went in search of a job that fit them (which I found - I'm still there after 11 years.)

My suggestion is to dust off your resume. If I were doing the same thing today, here's where I would start - http://www.creative-minds.info/Lorelei/ ... istics.htm - find your strengths on the list & think about examples from your life that illustrate how you apply them. Find someplace that values you for who you are!

That said, what I do try doesn't work. It'd be useful if it did, though. At least that'd be half of that problem resolved. The problem really is I'm making so many mistakes at work, because my confidence is slipping.

Some of this is dissatisfaction in the job, to be sure. But also it's not a huge amount different to what my previous job had entailed. Hmmm. I really need to give some thought to this.

OK - I don't know you & I don't know your situation - but it seems to me that the most successful people are not the ones who never make mistakes. Successful people make a lot of mistakes - but they also do things that no one else thought of (or that no one else had the guts to do.)

In my case, sometimes, things go wrong because the people around me don't fully understand what I was trying to do (my fault, for not explaining myself better) and they can't envision how my solution would have worked. Sometimes, I'm just plain wrong - but that doesn't stop me from proposing unconventional solutions. But sometimes, a solution that I propose saves money, or is faster & easier, etc. (And sometimes, a solution that I propose suggests an even better solution to someone else.)

What I am trying to say is, in the right situation, it can be a total asset to approach things from "outside the box." (Even if, in the wrong situation, it seems like a total disaster.)

I get what you're saying, Zeichner. The thing is my employers aren't really very keen on me "thinking outside the box" - they've seen nothing to suggest that that is helpful to them (for whatever reason). I've also tried to bring up some things that annoy me (like moving folders around without reason or turning off the server without warning) - sure, I probably wouldn't lose any work, but some warning would be nice! Trouble is, I don't seem to be doing so in a way they approve of, and I get ignored regardless.

Falling apart at the job ... hmmm. I used to work at a Second Cup in Brampton, Ontario. Despite the fact that I literally put 110% into the job, I was betrayed my own infirmities. My AS and Bipolar Disorder, combined with the overwheling desire to fit in with my twentysomething co-workers (who all knew each other of course) caused my job-performance to become spotty and inconsistent. As a result, I was fired. And that's why I haven't really had a job since, due to the trauma of that. My worst fear is that my diagnosis will dictate my degree of employability, vis-a-vis my whole life.

And I've had at least one relationship fall apart on me.

look for another job. seriously ive been in situations similar where for me its just been a downward spiral of depression caused by the "job". getting out earlier might be easier than getting more depressed by staying on for longer

the relationship with your boss is probably making you overly stressed + affecting your ability to do the actual job.

sorry for blunt response but hope you get something worked out

Yeah, this is pretty much the conclusion I've come to. I'm going to take a look at the job sites and see what's around.

Here's one tip that helps me. This is hard to explain, but I'll try. It might sound crazy at first, but it's been a big help to me.
When you speak, decide what you're going to say first of all. Then, say the words over in your mind. As you are saying them, pretend that someone is speaking the sentence to you. You're using your imagination, basically. You're just having a little daydream about somebody saying something to you. And then note how you react to the person and what they say. Because it's hard for ppl w/ AS to imagine others emotions, if you mull it over in your mind as being said to you, you hear the words as others hear them. In a perfect world, our words would be monitored by us this way completely instinctively, but since they aren't this can really help you get out of your own thinking and understand someone else's.
Sorry for the long explaination. But this really helped me and I wanted to help you too, but if it makes no sense, sorry, and just don't worry about it. It's really hard to explain so it might really not make any sense.
Anyway, I'm telling you b/c this has helped me a lot especially with things that aren't big deals, the simple things you think you should just be able to sayand have people understand you, and yet they might tend to get offended, leaving you thinking, wth did I say wrong. Of course it would be impossible to do this constantly, but when something is important to you, it helps.
Also, I would say, ask questions, even if they seem stupid to you. If they're important things you need to know, and not small things you can observe what others do and copy, then you should ask in a friendly, smiling, confident way. Everyone asks questions. No one is supposed to know everything. If you don't ask in an apologetic, self concious way, chances are the other person will follow your lead and instead of thinking you are weird for asking, just think you are a nice, thorough person who is trying to do their job the best they can. If you are feeling inadequate and trying to hide it by not asking qs, it won't work, b/c people will find out at some point. Better to ask, if it's important to know.

Quite possibly, Kelsi. I've always been way to hard on myself, it's a character flaw I can't seem to shake off. As for the failure to communicate, yeah that's happened a fair bit too.

Hey Everyone, I have been working in a kitchen for like the past 2 months soon to be 3, and I started off good but i'm now going into a downward spiral because the workload is becoming more intense and the deadlines are becoming pretty tight, and I can't seem to meet them on time, that's becoming my biggest weakness, plus I have a hard time focusing on even cooking the food that has recipe's presented because of anxiety issues, and also I can feel a depression simmering in me constantly, and I have an on/off urge to change jobs because the kitchen environment is beginning to affect me psychologically because of my AS, and my sad vibes rising. Although the people there are very nice and supportive, I just don't know if I can take it anymore, I can't stand being in a kitchen environment because I hardly get any sunlight whatsoever, except during breaks. I got this job through an agency, and it said according to my contract that I have to serve at least 13 weeks on my job, so that they can get the money from the government or something of that nature. From what I was told, if I feel i'm "trapped" in the kitchen environment, I should give them notice to resign. Plus I'm thinking 'bout leaving in late october or early november because since winter's approaching, the workload gets more intense, and I don't think I can take it anymore. I'm more or so thinking of working in an environment that is more suitable for me, like a music store 'cuz I love music. Anywho, I'll come up with a decision.

http://sslaxx.livejournal.com/545991.html

Things are looking grim workwise... hmmm...

I came to the conclusion I'm not really suited for this job at all quite a while ago. My skillset just isn't lined up to what it needs, and it seems my ability to learn on the job is woeful at best (being demotivated/demoralised isn't helping, I fear).

Going to get my first formal warning this week or next. f****d up with the transport for the Expert Members again (and have been warned that the next time I f****d it up I'd get a warning - well, here we are then). Frankly, I'm surprised I still have a job, the way it's been here. It's been little up and mostly down.

With the job market as it is, I'm not sure I can find something. Still, something has to better than this, so I'm looking. Really not happy here, and it's affecting my work very badly. Finding myself making mistakes that I just can't understand how I made them, or thinking I've done something when I haven't.

If you were in the states, I'd say let yourself get fired so you can collect unemployment. Not sure how it works on the other side of the pond though.