What is it like to be a Parent of an Aspie?

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And so since I've got three ADHD/AS going into puberty, me and my ex has already reserved places in lunatic asylums to be sedated and strapped in, in our homes while the lunatic asylum gets our kids to try to take care of (That's a ironic comment, not for real)

It could have been worse, so it's just happy tapdance right now... (!)

I have to go up to my ex and fix some locks on her windows. Two has started to try to jump on to a bouncing mat from their windows, and has absolutely no clue of heights. All 2nd floor windows is secured (mostly, except a incident when a accidental body-tic smashed a window resulting in a few stitches)

As I said, It's a experience you will know you've been through

I see the beauty in my son. He's having the worst year of his life coping with school and finding his place in the world, and he is still the most beautiful thing I've ever known. He just turned 12.
He's 4th of 5 children, and the only AS. We're protective over him, and try to help him find his way when he melts down. I think his meltdowns are proportionate to his pain or frustration. He has to fly solo in deep levels of his being. His personal path is unguided, he really has to be brave. I listen to him with great interest when he can share his journey, and have learned a lot. I only wish I could help him more. I want him to have a good life.
Most of our problems at present stem from attempts to conform him. Fortunately, I love David much better than our flawed school system or social cliques. What one kid needs, another doesn't. He prefers family, and has had some one on one friendships. The friends he's had seem to prefer one on one friendships also, and there are common interests involved. I like what he finds funny, usually off beat and ironic.
Our school system is beginning a program just for AS kids next school year. I'm curious to see the difference because this program will be staffed by specially trained people, with a good teacher/student ratio. He's learned nothing in school this year. AS and his present school are not a good fit. Joy is being sapped out of him on a daily basis. (Duke University wanted him to take the SAT or ACT this year because of his standardized placement test scores, but he can't sit through algebra class this year and is making low grades. He won't do any assignments. He only puts correct answers on tests, but doesn't show his work). He is branded at his present school as 'difficult' to put it mildly and he's being handled that way. They are killing his self esteem and killing his faith. He wants to be a 'good' kid. I'd home school him next year if it weren't for the AS program. In an AS class he'll be viewed with interest and perspective, and have the benefit of effective applied learning techniques for AS hopefully. In that class he won't be different just individual.
Sorry to go on and on. To be more succinct: I love David as he is, and I'd move heaven and earth for him to be happy, if I could.

I will deny I said this if you quote me, but the child with AS may be my favorite. He's just like me. Well almost. He never had the tempertantrums I did. I'm glad I could homeschool him to college. I think he would have had a hard time in public school (I certainly did). I remember reading lessons to him while he was bouncing on his head until, exasperated, I would ask him if he even heard the lesson, whereupon he would repeat almost verbatim the lesson. He started college at 15 and now works as a programmer for a video game company.

My sons homework called for him to write a poem,
and the thought of creating one from scratch was simply overwhelming.

In theory it was doable, as he and I play rhyming games in the car. It was getting him started that was the real problem.

So, I had him focus in on an Aspy interest. Rune Scape.

One of the features of the online roll playing game runescape is that there is a general store, where all sorts of items are bought and sold. The names of some of those items rhyme.

I had him start by making a list of things bought and sold there. Items began rolling out on paper.

Gems, was changed to diamonds/rubys/emeralds/sapphires.

Evilly, i had him change sapphire to saph (a common abbreviation)

saph rhymes with staff, and i generated the first couplet.

click.... the light bulb went on.

about 15 minutes later, the poem was 10 couplets, and the next problem manifested.

"I need a way to end it."

I asked when do you finish with rune scape?

He said when it is time for supper.

I asked him what rhymes with EAT,
he matched it with street, and wrote one about heading out on to the street to find something good to eat....

twas a happy success....

I just found this site and I am so happy. My daughter is in the process of being tested for AS. Not that I need to wait for the testing to come back. I brought all my questions to my docter and said "I need her tested, I need some answers". I always knew there was something a little different w/ my daughter. In pre-school they thought she might have a speech delay. She went through speech therapy. There were so many traits that she had that I just laughed off. She was my only child and I didn't know what to expect. She is now 8 yrs old. Starting at 2 she would line up all of her animals, always animals!! ! The animals would be in a perfect row. If I was to touch one it would have to go right back in place. Family couldn't believe how well she played by herself. She was always so content in her own world playing. If I asked to joing she would say "in a little while". When my daughter started school I had a hard time letting her start her day by herself--to go put her coat away and remember her bag to bring into the classroom. I knew if I didn't remind her of this, which she did everyday she would forget. She played soccer much to her dismay. I would hear the coach give instructions and I would have to run over and repeat them for her becuase I knew she didn't pick up. She was always so immature. If she say's something funny and a family member laughs she can't handle it. SHe is 8 and still has training wheels, we have to practice jump roping. She always tells me noone wants to play w/ her at recess and it KILLS me. I want to just pick her up and protect her from everyone and I know I can't. I am a very affectionate mother and it bothers her. Tonight while washing her hair I told her I loved her so much and she said "can I have ice-cream when we are done". The lack of empathy is what hurts the most. I have probably heard her say I love you mom a handle full of times. It was when we were doing something she was excited about. My Grandmother passed away in January my daughter and her were inseperable. Well she came to the wake and funeral and didn't shed a tear and told me "oh here we go agiain she's crying"! I would give the world for her and like I saw from someone else I feel if I died tommorow she would ask if she could go play her video game!! I am going to get her the best help I can. I wouldn't trade her for anything in this world. I am remarrying in 3 wks and my fiance would like a child---I am scared, and exahusted.

I guess I would have to say that being a parent to my step son has been a journey. Not all bad of course, just some roads are a lot tougher than most. I guess you could compare it to trying to go 4 wheeling with a vw bug. My step son is great, and we try so hard to be patient. We have gotten used to the bizarre behavior, because he has been this way all of his life, and it is him and we love him. We didn't get a diagnosis until 6 months ago. Up unitl then we thought he had ADD, with a mix of psychotic disorder. We were shoving Risperdal, Zoloft and Stratera down the poor kids throat! Now he doesn't take any medication because he hates it, and it really didn't help him in the first place. The doc said he may benefit from the Risperdal again, but he doesn't want drugs, and my husband and I don't want to force him into something he doesn't feel good about. He has had enough of that for the past 16 years. I really feel guilty not knowing what was actually wrong with him, and assuming he was some sort of monster, when in actuality he is scared to death about life. I understand that because I am a recovering bulemic/anorexic and I take meds. I have a ton of anxiety and understand how it feels when no one else understands you and just sums you up as a freak. My step-son said that his mother...for years...referred to him as a ******* ret*d. Needless to say the maternal bond is gone...he lives with us now. She is a piece of work, and I am amazed that he survived living in that environment for so long . We are getting ready for his senior year in High School this year. He has grown up so quick, quicker than we were ready for. I will do anything to help him through this, until he can manage on his own. But he doesn't want support groups, he won't even lift his head in therapy, and at home he is more interested in Myspace, and World of Warcraft. But he does play on-line with other kids and he has friends he communicates with on myspace...so he isn't ignoring life, he is just doing it his own way....which is o.k. I want him to feel empowered so that he can start communicating more with everyone that effects him..I would love it if he could tell his mom where the sun sets, and tell us how he feels...whether it hurts us or not. Until then, it is our job to be there for him unconditionally...which we are, but it is hard. The fact is is that everyone has an issue, or a condition, whatever...we need to be here for each other to make sure we get out of this world in one piece.

a constant learning experience..learning to help my teen find activities that match who she is rather than me encouraging something to change her or something that I think is good for her.

Being a parent of an Aspie is all of the emotions imaginable, but so is being the parent of my 2 non Aspie children. I try and keep in mind that it is much more frustrating for my 8 year old Aspie as most people don't know where he is coming from where as most people understand where I am coming from.

It is challenging each and every day but it is also very rewarding at the end of the day to know that you have helped him achieve something. God gave us 3 gorgeous boys (one with AS) because he knows that we can do it. Sometimes it is really tough but then 8 year old did ask the neighbour the other day 'how did you go at basketball?' Mum of Aspie with tears in her eyes delighted in the simple pleasures of the day.

well i'm not a parent but an adult (27 yrs old) with aspergers and hoping my story to parents who have children with aspergers will help them.

I believe looking back that for me aspergers/anxiety disorder/somatization disorder/PTSD was cause of the tragedies and dramatic events in my life that has pretty much has shut my system down as the age of 27, and i'm on social security disability now.

I think the best advice i can give parents is to love your child, for who they are, and perhaps just understand that your child is in a overload mode and may be going though hard times, related to family deaths, friends passing away, etc

I just want to start this out by letting parents know that i was adopted at age 4, (my mom died) she was diabetic, my dad ran away before i was born (never seen him 27 yrs later) and my adopted family split up at around age 6. i can say school up to around elementary school was fine. jr high i was a popular basket ball player especially with 3 pointers. i think the hardest part of my school yrs was the pe classes (i was always picked last, except for basketball) which everyone knew that i was good at, so i was always picked first in basketball.

i took taekwondo for a long time in jr high and some high school (which i ended up being a red belt by then of course got bored of doing the same stuff..) also did alot of summer backpacking camps (unalayee.org) which i strongly suggest that parents check out) it meant alot for me. anyway i exceled in school got a 3.9 gpa, was a honor roll student all though school. even got a job at a amusement park for 8 months, and then grocery industry for almost 4 yrs, and self employment(internet based business) which really did well for me. since everyone has there opinions on what causes autism,aspergers, i believe what triggered it mainly for me is the anxiety disorders/ptsd and family deaths i had (mom dying at 4) uncle dying about 4 yrs ago) my grandma almost dying from heart congestion failure a yr ago. almost losing my brother cause of drugs 4-5 yrs ago. and now i'm on social security disability,

and i'm just happy that i know what aspergers is. Since i know that i cant work anymore, i just do computer stuff, video games, research on the computer. for those who have children who are young who have aspergers, your child has a better chance at a better future, then us who are adults with aspergers, cause aspergers wasnt even known 10 yrs ago, which by the time was to late for alot of us. thanks to IEP in my school i'm now getting the support i need though so, i strongly advise to get a IEP set up at your school. you may want the best for your child, but believe me dramatic events such as family deaths, drug abuse can cause alot of trouble for your child when there an adult. it happened to me it can happen to anyone. So i strongly suggest that parents do not give up on there child, even if you divorce, please let the childs father and mother have time with your child. it will help your child when hes an adult. just do not abandoned or just give up on your child it will save alot of heartbreak your child may endure, and get them a computer or tv or something to keep the happy and entertained. school was very boring for me, i strongly suggest that you give them a computer so they can actually research on the internet on there favorite hobbies, etc and just let them stay home from school and or find a school that had mainly study hall, not group activities, rallies, etc but pure quiet, if thats not available, do homeschooling, internet online courses, let him listen to music, or play educational games on the computer, such as scrabble, manopoly. etc

anyway i like this site alot, very good info on it ;0)

My oldest is our aspie - he is 11 and in 5th grade. We have 3 bio kids and 2 foster kids. He was different starting at about 3. No one could define it. It was mostly sensory. People kept giving us advice and trying to diagnose him. Nothing fit all the quirks. We finally moved to a small town in Montana with an awesome OT. She started with him at 5. He started Kindergarten at 6. He was finally diagnosed at the end of 3rd grade. He doesn't do change at all (even changes to the grocery list). Our school district starts school before Labor Day - 3 days of school and then 5 days off. Next year we won't start school until after Labor Day - it is too hard on him. He still has sensory issues. He is the biggest kid in his class and the most bullied (I wish he would finally just beat the tar out of them). He can be extremely rude and obstinate. He picks fights with his siblings but is a coward at school. I love him so much. He is barely making it at school this year - last year was a good year. He receives services at school - OT, Speech, Behavior Specialist. He was diagnosed as being mild - some days I want to string him up. It is almost impossible "to get things on his agenda". He is on his own program.

I was the horrible Mom in Wal-Mart doing her grocery shopping with a "spoiled" kid in full meltdown. We lived in the sticks and the nearest decent grocery store was 90 miles away. I could not afford to take him home and go back later. I didn't know what his malfunction was and that Wal-Mart was Sensory Hell for him. Now I understand. I just wish I could help him get stuff done. He is very smart and affectionate.

The good days are terrific! On the bad days I doubt every decision I make.

Susan

Cockneyrebel:
It's hard. Very hard. But then your kid turns out to be smarter than you are, and it's worth it!
Beentheredonethat

i totally relate, we are just starting school , i had to go back to work, p/t thankfully, but it's a bit of a mess with adjusting, plus his dad just left for 6 months.
i am thankful for this site, it is already helping me to figure him out
but i echo the sentiment that the good days are awesome, but the bad days i wonder about me and him, and how badly it is going to screw him up or what mistakes i am making that i can not help him to avoid his issues, but sometimes you have no choice, being a single parent, i have to take him oput with me shopping etc.. i am so greatful he has no real sensory issues.
i try to focus on the positive aspects. he tells me he loves me he laughs smiles and snuggles. he picks thingss up so quickly and is such a happy funny kid. his memory is amazing, i don't have to worry about phone numbers or addresses when he's around.
it is a challenge, it is going to continue to be a challenge, but with kids it always is. and unfortunately you don't often find out how you did untill the're older.
i guess we'll have to wait and see

To my son Ryan,
Even though as a baby you cried endlessly and could not be comforted easly, I held you to my heart.

Why do you not like Junk food or candy? I cooked those eggs just the way you liked them and let you sprinkle ginger on them. I fed your soul.

I can't tell you how often I heard that I was spoiling you. Just make him wear it they would say. Before I purchased any clothing I would feel it with my eyes shut. I dressed you in mirror of comfort not style.

I really don't think I can tell you one more fact about road construction and we have read everthing in the library there is to read on the subject. So I dug up my rose bushes and helped you build your own construction site. For however long it takes I have encouraged your interest.

"Yes Ryan", mom's do have birthdays and there are special day's for all people not just you. I orderd me a pumpkin pie instead of my favorite chocolate birthday cake. My gift has always been to see you full.

What must it be like to be a parent of an Aspi child?
LOVE is what i'ts like!! !! !

I am mom to a 12 year old AS son. My biggest difficulty has been critisism from family and friends and boyfriend about not being more proactive about my sons "issues". I am just now coming to reality that my son definitley has ausbergers and PPD-Nos. I feel guilty for not researching anything before today, and concerned about my sons lifelong happiness, but most of all, more face to face with a heartbreaking love I have for my son and appreciacion for everything that makes him uniqueley him. This is my first day of research and reaching out to others with similar issues. I am concerned about my boyfriends negativity and anger, and at the same time appreciative of the structure and insight and recources, commitment and support that he has brought forth and I see that it helps my son in ways that I have not been able to.

What I wonder is why it has been so difficult for me to awaken to this issue?
And I wonder if any other parents have had that difficulty, with being-in denial or something to that effect.

I beleive in my son and hope that things can continue to get better for us through proactivity and positivity.

It is a paradox. I want so much for life to be easier for him, but then again, I wouldn't change anything about him....

I have a five year old son with Aspergers. I'm very proud of him. He has a lot of wonderful qualities: He's a very intelligent boy with an intense desire to learn. He also has a tremendous imagination and a great special interest in music. I could imagine him being an excellent singer/songwriter someday and I'm trying hard to help him develop that interest. He's also quite possibly the kindest and gentlest person I know.

As a neurotypical parent, I often have to remind myself of the differences between him and me that are related to his AS. For example, last week I had an incredibly busy week at work. So, last Saturday morning, I wanted some time to relax and just quietly read a book by myself. My son came in and wanted to talk to me. He started asking me questions about every topic imaginable. He must have asked me at least 100 questions in a row. Normally, I am delighted to answer all of his questions because I love his desire to learn. Right then, though, I just wanted to be alone to read. Like most neurotypicals, I didn't want to risk hurting his feelings by explicitly telling him that I wanted to be alone. So, I tried to communicate this nonverbally -- with facial expressions, body language, etc. That was dumb, of course. Since my son is a 5 year old Aspie, he missed every nonverbal "hint" I tried to send him. I started to get more and more annoyed and almost got mad at him.

I caught myself at the last minute and reminded myself of how bizarre that would have seemed from his perspective. From his perspective, it would have seemed like a perfectly normal conversation in which his dad suddenly and unpredictably yelled at him. I eventually told him that I love his curiosity but I wanted to read my book and not talk right then.

I've tried to learn everything that I can about Asperger syndrome so that I will be able to understand how my son thinks. It seems to me that this is the most important thing about parenting a child on the spectrum.

I think a lot about the problems he is likely to face in his life. He's probably going to bullied mercilessly in school and I spend a lot of time every day worrying about whether or not I will be able to successfully help him through it. I worry about whether he will be able to find employment, friends, and romantic relationships when he is an adult. Despite the problems he is likely to face, I am very proud of him and I wouldn't trade him for any other boy. I'm thankful that he is my son.