Teachers want to tell eveyone about son's aspergers

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Our son's school want to call a meeting to tell all the parents of the kids in our son's class about our son having Aspergers. They say he has hit a few children, and parents want to know why he is not told off like the other kids, and why do they treat him differently to the other kids.

In one way it seems a good idea, so that the parents will understand if there has been a problem during the day with their child, involving ours. However, I also am concerned that they may tell their kids not to play with him because he has got something wrong with him. I don't think of it that way, of course, but others may think like that! I'd rather the kids made their choice about whether to play with him without any parents prejudice.

I know that the school has good intentions, and maybe my worries are for nothing. But there must be many of you that have been in this position, and can tell me the good and bad.


Thanks!

This is a tough situation for any parent, I believe, and I am nto sure there is a right answer.

I have found that no matter what, parents and children will be cruel. In my case, the parents of children that were bullying my daughter were no better than the kids that were doing the direct bullying. They were caught by a member of the school staff badmouthing my child, saying things about how they were glad their children were "normal" and not at all like Kallista. Since i have told them that she has Asperger's (and added that I had better not hear them trash talking any innocent child again, etc etc), they have managed to not only keep their mouths shut, but their children have also been strangely friendly and tolerant with Kallista. I did also take all of my concerns to the principal, who let the parents know that she would not tolerate them or their children either ostracizing or bullying Kallista. I pretty much put the parents in the position of having to teach their children to be upstanding citizens with respect for other people and their differences as opposed to allowing them to just roll their eyes and continue to let their children turn their backs on children that they dont understand. I know it sonds extreme, and I am sure I have been labeled "the bitchy mother", but it worked.

I don't know if the same approach would work, but I recommend voicing your concerns to the staff, principal, and parents. Let them know that you do not want your child to have to feel ostracized. Unfortunately there is no foolproof approach. We all risk our children being socially outcast. It's heartbreaking.

Now that I have babbled on and on (i do that...sorry!), please do let us know what happens! And good luck!! !

I don't understand why the teachers wouldn't discipline a child for hitting other students. Considering the fact that Asperger's doesn't cause violence, it seems like they are treating him differently for no reason. Perhaps the other parents have good reason to be annoyed that one child is getting special treatment over the rest of the class. Hitting another student is never acceptable. Maybe you can complain that the school is unfairly singling out your child by treating him differently due to his Asperger's.

Alex, you might want to read my thread about lying and denying. I brought up the issue of my son getting "scolded" at school for doing stuff (pushing, hitting). People (fellow aspies) pretty much accused me and the other adults of wanting to powertrip on my son. That autistics shouldn't be confronted when they misbehave.

I agree that "telling a kid off" doesn't help anyone and why do school staff do it in the first place? I went to my son's school today and saw the same gnarly yard monitor shouting at little kids and ordering them around. I've given advice that scolding won't work and it likely makes the problem worse.

Back to collywobble, I don't understand what the school wants to accomplish by informing the other parents. It's none of their business. If your son is getting intervention, self-managing training and has a system in place, then "it's getting taken care of". If they are complaining because they simply want to witness him getting punished, then they are the ones with the problems.
Maybe you should doublecheck just what they are doing when your son "hurts" another kid. Make sure they aren't just "managing" his behavior. He needs to be on the road to learn manners.

Good luck, I'm in the middle of this fight myself.

Thanks for your replies.

The school do tell our son off when he has hurt another child. They have to be careful how they do it because he is very sensitive and tends to blow up if they are too hard on him. He usually only hits kids if they hit him first. The trouble is, I think a few of the kids know how to wind him up (name calling, etc) and that may be when he lashes out. He is an easy target because he is very emotional, and has difficulty understanding the other kids sometimes. He has a strong sense of injustice, and does not understand when other kids do not want to play with him.

I think the school think it will help to tell all the parents about him having aspergers, and they would urge parents to get their kids to play with him more to help him socialise better. i just feel calling this meeting will result in the opposite.

It could go either way in your case.
I'm pretty sure that any parent that is awake and talks to their kid knows that my son is autistic. The special ed classes are specifically called "autism clinics". They know he is associated with this class somehow and its teachers.
That said, there are a lot of kids in his class with IEPs already. So, it's not as stigmatizing in his school.

One problem with teachers/school staff disclosing your son's dx is that they may have a different perspective on AS and may describe your son in a way that you don't approve of. My son came home with all sorts of weird stuff once he was told he was autistic. My husband actually accused me of telling him this stuff. (big fight, big make up) Once a professional has given their version of things to another parent, you can't really control how it's taken and interpreted.

What a disaster. Do you have a go-between to work with you, your son and the people in the school (teachers and so on)? It sounds like you need someone to advocate because the whole situation sounds completely screwed up. Perhaps they're sincerely trying to help, but it appears they're only making things worse.

1. Make sure the other kid didn't have it coming
2. If you are going to talk to your kid, make sure he understands that it is the behavior that is unacceptable, not HIM. That's a distinction a lot of parents miss.
3. AS (as Alex said) does not cause violent behavior. There are absolutely NO studies documenting that and anyone who says their are is making it up. I keep very close track of that literature for other reasons.
4. I don't think the school has a right to talk to anyone else about your kid, as a matter of fact, it would seem to me that anything they know about your kid is confidential information, and you have grounds for a law suit.
Sorry, but life for an Aspi is rough enough. The school doesn't get to act that way.

Good luck
Btdt

Hi, this thread caught my attention.....

Well for me, my 11 yr old son has Autistic Disorder and never ever hits anyone, but at home he will attack so we have him on abilify. No need to tell other kids in our case so far but if we needed to, I would first ask my son for permission.

Now, I have a younger son who doesn't (so far) have ASD but has severe Tourette Syndrome. He has Coporolia and Copraxia and lately his med stopped working and his tics (especially the bad words and obsene jestures) have sky rocketed.

He will start screaming "My dad has big nipples" over and over again in the corridor at school. He will start pointing at people screaming "You have a big butt" over and over again.....This is something obvious and altho I ignore the stares and dirty looks from parents, the snickering from kids, I can just see it coming from parent complaints soon.

Everything I have read about TS says to be open and honest about this condition, as the more information kids and parents know, the more they understand and the bullying will decease. Once the kids understand, they actually stick up for the kids with disabilities against other bullys.

For my younger TS guy, that is what I do, and I help him be a self advocate when it comes to this. He can tell when he has a tic and says "I have TS and I can't stop my brain from doing this"

Now I do know the school CANNOT share this info with anyone about his dx without our permission (a violation of the hippo law).

I don't know how old your son is, but is he old enough to ask for his permission? I don't think it would hurt him any, as people will learn more about ASD, and you can start teaching him to be a self advocate. It will give him power and control, and I do believe, the more people understand the more they will step back and take a moment to "think". At least I hope they would, and if they don't, then oh well, too bad so sad, ya know?

Lainie

We had a power cut here so PC not been working until now!

Our son is 6 years old, and although he realises he is different he doesn't really understand he has Aspergers. I have read him some great kids books - "All Cats have Aspergers" plus others, and he agrees that his behaviour is the same as in the book, but it just hasn't really clicked yet. I'm sure it will all come in good time.

There are so many pros and cons, and it's hard to make a decision what to do. My gut feeling is not to tell the other parents at a meeting. Maybe they should just be told on a "need to know basis". AS is nothing to be ashamed of, but I just don't want to make him stand out in the crowd. His school have been pretty awful at handling our son. He was only diagnosed early this year, and they clearly do not have any experience of ASDs. We do have a Special Needs Coordinator who visits all the local schools, but most of her suggestions I have thought were useless. She is actually the one recommending we tell all the other parents. She is also suggesting that we have him assessed for ADHD because of his outbursts and unpredictable behaviour. I wonder whether she actually understands Aspergers herself. His outbursts are due to anxiety. He is fine at home. Any behavioural problems we have are when we are in places with lots of people. I think he is bubbling with anxiety all day at school because of the environment - he has problems with noisy, busy places with lots of people. When something relatively small happens it takes him over the edge. I have read about ADHD and you could attribute some of the symptoms to him, but I think his issues all relate to Aspergers and nothing else. He certainly isn't hyper. He spent 3 hours playing Lego at the weekend and hardly moved, and sat through the whole of Nemo on TV. Anyway, the ADHD thing should probably be on another thread.......

I think they should be treating him like other children. Otherwise he might grow up and think that if he does something very bad he will not be punished. I also think The school has no right to call a meeting. AS isn't that rare. there are probably a couple other children at his school with it.

all the teaching staff have to say to the parents is that your child has a behavioral support plan ( and hopefully he does), and that they are working to address the issues............it's really no one's business what your son has. it seems to me that the school is trying to point the finger at aspergers being the problem, rather than their own ineffective behavior management being the problem. of course, even with an effective behavior plan~things still go wrong..........

I don't believe these are good intentions....I believe they're playing a game of "pass the blame".