Parenting my adult Aspie - I can't take it anymore

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Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament. I'm a little confused though cause you mention he is on SSI and he works. How is he allowed to keep SSI if he is able to work? I agree with your doctor that you gotta kick his lazy butt out of your home because this is not a healthy situation for you.

I hope you don't take this is rude, but you must know that you sound like someone who is enabling when you say but he wouldn't like living with his dad. Who cares what he likes! You are showing more concern over his desires than your own life. Maybe he doesn't like his dad because his dad disciplines him and doesn't let him run all over him. I think what this brat needs is a good firm man to set him straight. You have done what you can.

Either get his dad to take him or else ask the police to remove him and immediately have the locks changed. You can get the police to take him out if he won't leave and you need to tell them he is violent. Or have him institutionalized in a group home.

I hope you realize his behavior is NOT typical Aspergers behavior. He sounds like he has psychotic episodes and bipolar. This is not autism. Aspies are not typically violent and its not normal for a grown man to not even want to be independant. If the guy won't even bathe then he is probably lower spectrum AS along with a host of comorbid mental disorders. Most Aspies are OCD to point they can't stand being dirty.

Don't stand back and allow this jerk to continue to abuse you because that is what he is doing. You really should report him and let the police put him in jail the next time he attacks you. He needs help and sometimes that's the only way to get someone help if they won't at least try to better themselves, go to counseling or even ask Voc Rehab for help. If the guy can work at all then he has no excuse for continuing to live at home and not take responsibility.

I already did a pretty good job of cleaning Dad out in the legal separation and spousal support. We're not exactly rich, although I would sort of love to force my husband to sell his beloved 2000 Porsche Boxster. It's the only reason I've been able to carry my son financially, and the only reason we have furniture, but it's a stretch now.

Our legal aid here in San Bernardino county sucks really, really big time. And since there are so many poor people in our county, it could be months before they could take on my case. Even the attorney I paid $3000 to for the separation (my husband had to reimburse me for half of that) sucked and kept sending my court papers to my husband's place (my old residence), even after I gave them the new info. The attorney also didn't return my phone calls. I'm contemplating filing a complaint, but it might just take more emotional energy than I have this minute.

We're also kind of the boonies, and I have no idea where a place would be that would take him, especially since our beloved governor has put all state agencies on notice to cut their budgets by 10%.

Plus, again, my son gets violently angry when I discuss conservatorship. He honest and truly cannot see (or is it "will not"?) why things cannot continue the way they are. Well, I've rarely been one to back down from a fight, so it looks like I'm going to have to talk to him again about everything. I hope to talk to all of you again!

good luck mum!

He's allowed to earn up to a certain amount and keep his SSI, or a portion thereof. He's also going to school, which allows him to work and keep all of his SSI. I'm glad he's working. It's not full-time, but at least he's paying back into the system he's taking money from.

I'm going to have to sit him down and talk with him, whether he likes it or not. He's savvy enough to know he's an adult now, and he has certain rights. PEACHY.

No, his dad doesn't discipline him, unless it involves threatening to knock him out. Dad is a little passive. Until he gets aggressive. I'm well rid of him, although the situation has broken my heart, so to speak. Extreme amounts of stress just dealing with the breakup! And my son would have to have a level of respect for his dad before he'd listen to anything he'd have to say.

As far as enabling him, well, let's just say I'm not making his life real pleasant. Again, I've rarely been one to back down from a fight, but I just don't have much fight left in me. You just get tired, you know?

And yes, he is at the lower end of the Aspie part of the spectrum. He has high-functioning autism, severe Tourette syndrome, very severe unmedicated ADHD (and not for lack of trying, let me tell you), severe OCD, sensory integration issues (which is why I think he doesn't want to shower - he doesn't want to get wet)and some learning disorders. Absolutely no organizational skills whatsoever.

I really feel for you and wish I had a brilliant solution that I know would work. I just know this ain't healthy for you and honestly its not healthy for him either. I have a heart valve problem so I know what you mean when you are concerned about your stress level. When I get stressed or don't get enough sleep my heart starts palpitating.

I think in your situation it would do you more harm to talk to him about things such as institutionalizing him. You just have to have them come get him. Of course discussing anything with him is pointless at this point.

Do you know anyone his age that you can talk to and ask them to make fun of him for being dirty and not living by himself and so forth? No wait I'm serious! Look when I was a sophmore my mom stopped combing my hair in the mornings and I was too dense to realize I needed to take off doing that. I mean I never looked in the mirror. But some girls I knew in school made fun of the way I had this bald spot in my hair because of the way my hair got all mussed up when I slept on it then went to school that way. I promptly started wetting my hair with water and combing it out each morning after that embarrassment. Sometimes kids only listen to someone else their own age. For some Aspies they have a problem realizing they are dirty, unkempt, look funny, etc.

Can you talk to Voc Rehab and get him a occupational therapist? OT's help people to get organized. I have an OT right now but its not so much for the Aspergers because I am 39 and have been living alone awhile now. But I have a brain injury which they tell me causes short term memory loss and I am not organized and tidy like I should be at home so they are sending someone to teach me. I really like her. Matter of fact I have my daily 30 minute homework from my OT that I need to finish tonight so I better go! I just got in from work so haven't done it yet.

I think so. Too bad if he doesn't like it. It's obvious that this mother is overwhelmed both physically and emotionally and needs a break. Perhaps her doctor could be an ally in this situation and write a report to the community assistance people showing how severe her health is and that she simply cannot cope any more.

If she dies, he will have to live with his dad whether or likes it or not, or even live on the streets. He won't have any choice. It's not emotional blackmail to apprise him of the seriousness of the situation with his mum. If he feels bad, maybe he can do something about the worst of his behaviours so life for his mum will be easier (if she absolutely can't get his dad to take him).

I agree with Pandora - you're no good to him dead!

You sound absolutely exhausted, you need a break RIGHT NOW. You'll feel much better when you've had a break. His Dad can have him/help him while you work out a plan which involves him moving to his own place and getting outside help to manage the practicalities. (You may end up having fun with him when you're not living with him!)

You need the p&q for your health and sanity, but also because you don't have the excess to turn things round as things are at the moment.

You are a jerk for even suggesting such a thing. Autistics DO NOT belong in jail, group homes or institutions for ANY reason.

I believe you mentioned you have a daughter? Could you get her to talk to him? Or either you or him go stay with her for a while?
Perhaps if you went to stay with her for a month or more he would come to realise just how much you do for him.
If I'm not mistaken sorry if I am, but I thought you also said that you haven't told him just how bad your health is. If thats right why would you expect him to change his ways, you have allowed him to become what he is now. You need to tell him, without being angry at him.
I would also perhaps suggest that rather than asking him for half his share in bills/rent when they come in, work out what the average cost is add a wee bit more (I'll explain why) and then call it board and make him pay it weekly, by diret debit into your bank account if possible. The little extra is for cab fares, have him cab it home after work. Put a lock on the pc to stop the porn. His room is his space if it's filthy there isn't much you can do about it. I have a filthy 18year old, this drives me nuts I've had to learn to shut the door. I'm sorry if this post is coming off sounding harsh, but there are things you can do.

I have issues similar to your son (who is the same age as me). I have "staff" from a private agency/non-profit business that specializing in caring for disabled people that come to my place for a few hours a day 3 days a week to help keep my apartment clean and to help me with errands and getting to work. Would your son qualify for such services?

It would be nice, if they have something like that, in Canada. It seems that once I get my apartment clean and tidy, it seems to get messy, again.

Regardless of whether your son stays or leaves, you need to manage your stress better. I hear a lot of blame here. As long as you externalize the source of your suffering so much, your health certainly is at risk. There will always be stress. Your son, your ex, your finances, the people at the grocery store, people on the road, and things you can't even begin to expect that will surprise you from day to day. It isn't just what happens around us that causes our stress, but how we react to it. You are not a victim, but placing yourself in that role will make you more prone to the negative effects of the stress this feeling of helplessness causes. You've been through a lot recently. It's time to take care of you, and if that means that you have to get your own place or tell your son to find his, then so be it.

He is autistic, so you have to expect some of this. But he is not helpless, so he has to expect to take some responsibility.

it's quite a stressful situation you're in....not sure what to say other than good luck

So Beau99 if a person with autism is violent then we just say it's ok he/she is autistic? I don't agree with you. Noone should be violent and if they can't help themselves then they should be in a place where they can't hurt anyone, recieve treatment , and stay 'till they are safe. Noone should have to be abused, and if this young man can't help himself then what do you suggest his mother do with him....send him to live with you maybe?

And please don't bring up children.....this is a grown man, not a child.

I think that he's the way that he is, because he isn't given the cahnce to be an adult. It seems like he's rebelling. I think that he needs to move out, right away. He needs his space, and he needs to feel like an adult. I also think that he should be given a choice between living with his dad, and living on his own. I bet, that he would choose to live on his own. There must be subsidized apartments and housing in your area. Maybe he'll learn to be more responsible, after he moves out. Onother poster made a good point, that he could get an assistant check up on him, and help him tidy his place, three times a week. You need to take care of your health. You can't go on, this way.