parent's perspective please?

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I'm not a parent of an autistic child, I'm a 21 year old female who was recently diagnosed with it myself, but I am posting here because I would like a parents perspective.

My father left our family home when I was 15. Since then all the places he has lived have been at least a four hour drive from where I live - he has a fondness for desolate places. To be brutally honest, this did not impact much upon our relationship. My father is not the sort of person you can talk to about your problems. Our phone conversations now are incredibly strained and awkward - he tells me about the cheap things he's brought from the supermarket, although the price of their pies has gone up, (and he will tell me by exactly how many pence) or just general tedious stuff about the cost of his car and the electrical appliances in his flat breaking.

I feel guilty because I know how sad it makes him that he never finds out about any trauma in my life until way, way after the fact. He says he could have helped. I have no doubt that if the issue were practical he would have, but it rarely is, and I learnt pretty early on that however much he feels he needs to know, telling him about any emotional problem actually scares him.

Whatever people on this forum may say about not needing to tell other people you have aspergers, instinct tells me I owe it to him to let him know. If I kept it from him for a long time and he found out, I know he would be devastated.

I would guess that my father's knowledge of autism is relatively poor. I have no way of knowing if he even knows what aspergers syndrome is. I have no doubt that he will be totally, totally thrown by the idea that his daughter is mildly autistic, and if I'm honest... I don't think he'll believe it.

I am not a qualified psychiatrist and have no wish to make an amateur diagnosis of my father, but from what you've read so far, you can see that he has a few traits. He also has a lot more which I have not mentioned. What is important is that, what with him having so many of the traits himself, he probably views them as fairly normal, and will not understand the need to medicalise them in me - he would have no need for it himself, so why do I? (Simply, because he is odd, but I have been disturbed. He, so far as I know, has never ended a night by crouching in a shop doorway for two hours, self harming. He has never had an anxiety attack trying to get on a bus).

I also remember him completely ostracising a lifelong friend when he found out the friend was gay. He's only homophobic in the sense that he's scared of what he doesn't understand. I fear him having the same reaction to me, although I know he would at least stay in contact with his daughter.

Parents, if this was you, how would you want your adult daughter to tell you about this? What would make you understand better?

I am going to tell him, I'm just considering how.

I would want to know. But I don't think my dad wants to know and I haven't bothered him with it. When I visit he really isn't interested in my life, so I mostly ask questions that let him remenice (sic). He's nearly eighty and he suffered some brain function loss during his heart surgery 20 years ago and this past year he's able to do less and less. Talking politics, even to agree with him, or my Saviour simply agitates him, so I don't.
You have to ask yourself what you hope to accomplish and whether or not what you want is realistic. I wish a lot of things were different with my dad, but they won't be, and I live with what I have (like no doubt he does --- he was so disappointed that all his kids became conservative Christians) I don't know what he's so mad about. Unlike his few friends' kids, all of us visit him at least once a week and make sure he has wood stacked near the fireplace and we buy him walkers and cable TV, all things he says he doesn't need until we try to take anything back. We make sure his lawn is mowed and we worked to exhaustion clearing out the brush near the electrical line to the house. But he still likes the grandchildren and not the kids that made them. Oh well. What would my trying to educate him about asperger's at this point accomplish?
It may be different that I am 55 and you are 21. Presumably your dad is a lot younger and maybe mentally more flexible. Though he really doesn't sound any more flexible than my I bet aspie dad.

Hi. My opinion is that sometimes people like your father may find it hard to take the whole bombshell in one hit, and then react immediately in a way that will be helpful to you. I'd consider drip-feeding the information and preparing him for it. For example, maybe you could begin by saying that you/doctors think that your brain might work slightly differently to others. Hopefully this info would introduce your father to thinking about the possibility, and then at a later date you could expand that to "It could be AS?" and/or "It is AS", which he'd be more prepared for than if you just told him in straight out. Just a suggestion.

what annie2 said

he sounds like someone who would be better off if eased into it.

jumping right into it especially with words like 'syndrome' might freak him out too much. He might not hear anything else after that.

I'd probably stick with somthing like you've got some MILD characteristics of autism.

We haven't told my nan about my son for similar reasons you're apprehensive about your dad. She's almost 90 though so what's the point. Also what she has noticed she says he's just like I am so she could view it as a double blow.

hope this helps. I seriously doubt it could be any worse taking it slow than if you came straight out and told him. You may as well take the safer route.

if you ever get to see him... just casually leave a book on asperger's where he will find it.... make a trip simply so that you can leave the book if you don't want to wait too long.... if he is really aspie then all it will take is one nudge.... i'd make it a book specifically on asperger's though.. otherwise you can't be sure he gets to the part you want him to...

my hubby's dad is very, obviously aspie......we broached the subject of hubby's dx once. his dad just told him to stop being lazy.....his dad does not understand. his dad will never understand.we had to resign ourselves to the fact that we would not get any acceptance or support from his dad..........i think so much depends on what you're looking to get out of your dad by discussing this with him. what sort of response are you hoping to get ?

I think he is genuinely upset about not being very involved in my life. I would like to give him a chance. I think he deserves to know what is happening in his daughters life, especially something so important.

I feel quite discouraged now, though.

Don't know if I have enough tact in me to be able to drip feed the information.

I will probably never tell my parents. My mother is textbook classical Autism, my father is textbook aspergers, and neither one of them believe that psychological, neurological, or mental conditions even exist.

It would just be a 10 hour argument about how I am not that special and there is no reason for me to persue neurological differences in myself or my child (who is also autistic).

Dealing with my parents is so frustrating that I only do so for about 1 hour each year.

Fathers seem the least likely to accept a diagnosis. My son's father refuses to believe in the autism spectrum and he doesn't think our son is the least bit autistic, even though our son struggles so much. I have mountains of paperwork documenting the struggles.....school, professional evaluations. It doesn't matter to dad.

I say all of that to say this. If you tell your dad, do not be discouraged if he discounts it. It sounds like he keeps in regular contact with you and I do not think he would cut off your relationship. He probably actually needs to talk to you, even if the subjects he discusses are mundane. Sometimes family members don't get it, but do not take it personally.

perhaps instead of going full force into getting him to accept your dx, you should first focus on setting ground rules for your adult relationship with him......you know, this is how i want to be treated. this is how i will treat you.etc