Tantrums are escalating and he won't stay at school

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I'm pretty much at a loss. My 8 (almost 9) year old son is getting over a really bad case of pneumonia. Before he got sick he was doing great. He was making good grades and hadn't had a tantrum at school since November. They were in the process of transitioning him into a mainstream classroom and he was doing well.

He has been medically ready to go back to school since Monday. He still feels a little bad, but the worst is over.

Unfortunately he can not stay calm and has not stayed at school a full day yet.

I’m just guessing from a little bit of information, but I’m wondering how long he was out of school. It is possible that even a relatively short time out will make the return feel very much like it felt when he first started the school year. It may take him a period of acclimation, especially since he is now a bit behind the rest of the class, and may have things to make up. Depending on where he is in the transition process, or how far back in the process – or forward – he is now after the illness, and given his still weakened condition, all this may add up to more stress than he is able to handle easily.

Sheesh. It sounds overwhelming just writing it down!

It might be worthwhile to talk to the teachers and find out how all these things are being handled. Perhaps the answer is simply to put something on hold, or tone it down a bit. After her deals with everything else, he’ll be ready to take something more onboard.

Again, just guessing.

You're right. He was out for over a week total. Last Friday the school had to call the EMTs because he was so out of control.

The school has backed way off. He isn't going to the mainstream class at all and he is doing very little academic work. Yesterday he stayed for 3 hours and all he did all day was draw Pokemon.

I've given the teacher his Nintendo DS to use as an incentive if she needs to. The goal at the moment is just to get him to stay calm and be at school the whole day.

Why not see how he is if he stays home all day instead?

His behavior is actually worse when he is home all day. I've seen this during the summer. He craves a level of structure that no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to provide. I've tried stricter routines and it doesn't seem to work as well.

I also can't get him to go outside to play or interact with other kids much at all outside of school. All he wants to do when he is home is stay in his room and obsess over video games. I do let him play a lot of games because it seems to calm him, but he does need to learn about other things and go outside once in a while.

I'm trying to place myself inside your son's head, and am wondering if the problem is that you leave class one day at point A, but after being absent for a while return with the class now at point D. For children on the spectrum who expect things to be a certain way, I suspect that not finding everyone at the logical (to him) point B was extremely frustrating. Now as the class continues on to E and F, he still can't find his footing, or follow the flow.

Perhaps he needs to track independently for a while until both he and the class are ready for point H?

Also, find out if any other changes occured in his absense. New children, transfers, furniture being moved, a special pencil being borrowed from his desk ... it can be really strange what our children strongly need to have stay consistent for them.

Basically, the behavior you are seeing seems to me to be what our kids do when reality is not matching expectation, and they don't know how to cope with the disparity. There is no simple way to work through that, but I hope you can find the keys.

You think that he does, but perhaps he doesn't, ("need" to do these things).

I don't understand what you mean about his "craving" structure when in the same post you describe him "obsessing" over video games, which presumably means he can happily spend hours on his own on an activity without anyone having to structure his time . It sounds as if he only needs the structure when he is obliged to do other things, which he is not interested in.

In the same way as I have understood that my own, and my son's, needs for clear limits only applies to activities which are imposed on us. And isn't so surprising; after all I think most people if they're honest would admit to preferring that externally imposed activities have clear boundaries/timelimits etc!

LOL, now THERE is a whole other topic! I think, as kd does, that my son craves structure of the sort that a school provides. He has actually said that he wishes he could go to school 7 days a week, so that every single day of his life would be exactly the same. Now, I realize we could make 7 days a week at home exactly the same, but the truth is that we get into very dull ruts when we are home. School vacations he quickly runs through the fun of being able to play on the computer as much as he wants, and starts longing for something structured to do, a place he is supposed to go, that he always goes to, the chance to see his friends, experience his routines, etc.

I am a very unstructured person, and I rebel heavily against it. Perhaps it is because of that that he seeks it out so much outside of home. He is honestly happier living in a combination world, and I do really believe this, where he receives the structure from others that I don't provide at home, but knows that there is also a certain time of day during which he will be completely free. He seems to enjoy having that balance imposed on him, knowing which box is which, and having the boxes stay true to themselves.

How much of that is habit, v. need, could be difficult to be sure. But I can say that he clearly thrived as a baby when I hired rigidly structured nannies that took him places on a repetitive schedule, gave him his nap at the right time, etc. He didn't want the same from me, but he loved it from them. Like he was already creating his nice little boxes way back then.

Which reminds me of the cutest story: at 8 months old he had figured out when I was due to stop work at my home office and return to him, and would start banging on my office door almost exactly 5 minutes before the end of my day. The nanny and I had the biggest laugh about it. We weren't sure how he knew, but guessed it had to do with the position of the sun in the sky. And that proved correct, for when the clocks changed for daylight savings time the habit ended.

Pneumonia takes a long time to get over - even if he seems better. He is probably still a little tired, and it takes less to push him over the edge - his excess/threshhold is smaller.
Often when this happens, the need for structure is greater. (less straws on the camels back!)

My son was experiencing similar school days when I decided to pull him and homeschool him. He was spending upwards of 45 minutes at a time in the timeout room, or sitting in the relaxation chair, a few times each day. He was denied mainstream class time when he was "bad". He actually was frequently out of control and sent home from school early at least once per week. He didn't make friends. He was always in trouble.

As you can imagine, he wasn't learning anything at school. No real school work was being done and he'd come home every day...either exhausted from being out of control at school or super hyper from being bored all day. Getting homework done at night was impossible because he was so disturbed from his school day.

Homeschooling. I feared he'd be out of control, but he's not. This actually works....I write on a dry erase board what he needs to finish for the day and he does it. As long as I write it down and he sees what's expected before we start the day....he does it. If behavior goes wrong, I take away video games. No video games are played during the school day.

My son has a bit of a hard time getting back into the school routine after a holiday break. He was doing very well before Christmas, then was off for 11 days, and he regressed a bit in January. Hopefully your son will adjust to school again soon, and maybe he still isn't feeling good. Pneumonia is tough!

Any time I came back from a break of any kind, it was a bit of a letdown to return to the stress of school.

It was good I did my school work at school rather than at home. Some points, I just don't do school work outside of school. Homework was often a big issue... Once I got home I had to unwind. I would not take work well at all.

Possible stressors to look out for:

1. Light bulbs: Are any burned out and flickering? I had issues with those. By grade 12 I had firm grasp of my autism and I knew how to react. I asked substitute teacher to be excused to go to the office. Once at the office I complained about the light, talked about being autistic and unable to concentrate on my studies with that light... Then I told the room number. By the next day they got that resolved. If your son is young, he probably doesn't know how to do this.

2. Noise. One of the worst schools I went to had no solid walls to divide classrooms. (They had some sort of thick curtain divider like thing). I could hear the 4th grade teacher on the other side give her lecture while I was struggling to hear my 3rd grade teacher.

3. Peers and bullies. The same school as above provided the worst abuse I suffered! Bullies threw rocks at me on the bus stop... At recess I was called all kinds of names and had my coat torn, you name it.... Recess was HELL and somehow I was conditioned to believe all students considered recess to be their favorite subject... Not for me. I was lying to myself. In retrospect art had to be, but I remember having to ask for lots of help on some of my projects because I couldn't remember directions.

I hated the school bus worst of all. I was often denied seats... At least one day I walked up and down asking each person if I could sit next to them and all said, "no" I sat down in the aisle and got yelled at by the bus driver... I tried to explain I couldn't sit because no one let me. The bus driver forced me to sit by someone.

Another bus incident (4th grade): A lower class 2nd or 3rd grader had to holler out "Who hates [insert my first and last name] raise their hand?" Several people did.

For about a full week I refused to go to school or take the bus. My mom had to drive me... Eventually she encouraged me to get back on the bus. I managed to get back on and thankfully got by the rest of the year without that kind of bullying...