This Is So Wrong

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My daughter, who is 4, went to play at her friend's house today for a couple of hours. The friend's mom (with whom I've formed a friendship of sorts) picked her up and brought her back home. I called a couple of times to see how things were going, and each time I was assured all was fine.

To make a long story short, while there, she was hit by her friend several times, had "hard toys" thrown at her at least three times, cried at least twice because of the way she was being treated, and was told by her friend that her friend hated her. As she said the latter, she said, "I really missed you today mommy," and tears started streaming down her cheeks. I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me.

I spent a lot of time holding her in my arms and telling her that people don't always mean what they say in anger and that any time she is being hurt by anyone that she can call me immediately and I will come to get her. Hubby assured me he would also leave work immediately if she needed him. We discussed it after she went to bed and we're going to work this weekend on teaching her our phone number and letting her call it from the cell phones for practice.

I always worried that my children might be mistreated because they are a challenge, but part of me hoped I was over-worrying. I'm troubled that I was right, and that this came about so quickly. I know they can test every ounce of patience I've got some days. But they are mine, and I love them with every fiber of my being. I expect others to have less patience, but I do not ever expect my children to be abused by anyone, of any age, for any reason.

Needed to vent. Welcome any suggestions, particularly on how to handle discussing this with the mother.

I'd like to help with suggestions but I have never left my son at someone's house without me there. I don't even trust my own parents with him.
Context means a lot and it's hard to know what happened with a child so young. I couldn't rely on my son's versions of events. You would hope that the other mother didn't let those two play unsupervised. That's very young.

This is a first for me, and I don't see it happening again anytime soon. Clearly, it turned out disastrous. My trust definitely took a hit.

One thing to remember how your child views things may be different from what really happens.
My younger son who is now 10 still at times comes home in floods of tears, the reason usually being is someone has said some think, just can be an odd remark, but he tends to take everything literally to heart whatever anyone says to him. Have told him a number of times not to take all remarks so seriously, but this is just the way he is, an over sensitive beautiful child.

i always wanted to belive what my son told me....until the day that i witnessed an event which he was involved in- he totally took things out of context & was terribly upset......i ended up puzzled and confused as to how he could infer something wrong and unjust from the events that occured- this is, in part, what led to us going to get him dxed.................................now, i'm not saying that you shouldn't believe your child. just remember that there is a possibility that things were misconstrued.

Gee, some friend.

We had an incident recently where L came home from school saying that a substitute teacher was threatening him and called him names (girly). I was of course, really upset and went to the school ASAP to complain. What I found out was that the "threat" was a joke (the teacher was quoting Amelia Bedelia, "I'll sweep your feet out of the door with my broom" when the children were being slow after school) and the name calling was referring to a story they were reading and had nothing to do with my son at all. He later told me that because he was sitting near her and she looked at him, she thought he called him girly. We have had many other similar incidents...my sons thinking kids were "pushing" them when they actually just bumped into them, or "throwing things at" him/them when the other kid was really trying to throw things to them/him.

On the other hand we have also had 2 real incidents of bullying. I worry that because my sons have such a difficult time differentiating between threatening/non-threatening behaviour that someday a teacher/coach etc. won't believe them when they really need help?

I'm glad that you were able to comfort your daughter and teach her some strategies to feel safe. Because whether the threat was real or perceived, the trauma a child feels is very real (my son was absolutely beside himself about the substitute teacher incident). It might be worthwhile talking to your friend about it to see if she knows anything more about what happened?

What I find appalling is not the fact that a 4 year old throws things and calls your daughter names, but her mother letting it go on without intervening!

While I do recognize that a child's version of things isn't always as it seems, and that an autistic child perceives things in a different (more literal) way than they are perhaps intended, there is no mistaking having things thrown at you. It isn't a matter of how it was intended when my daughter was slapped, had a ball thrown at her because she failed to catch it every time and had toys thrown at her (hard ones that hurt, as she put it) because she didn't play the way the other child wanted. To further substantiate my daughter's claims, she did tell me that the mother put the child in time-out several times because she did see this happen. I'm going to call the mom for the other side of the story. I'm just not sure what to say or how to go about it yet.

At this moment, reading this thread, I am thinking, "thank goodness my Aspie child is my son, and my daughter is NT."

Little girls can be very mean. And it is entirely normal. I hate to say it, but I have witnessed it so much. It's like this constant power play among them. They don't really mean it, oddly enough, and somehow they understand it. I cannot imagine how a young girl on the spectrum could ever properly separate all that out.

I strongly recommend that play dates be at your house for the next few years. We actually did that with my son, as well, keeping all his playdates under my own eye, and at age 10 he still rarely goes elsewhere. It's just a lot to ask parents without a child on the spectrum to understand, how our kids have needs that may not be apparent to them. With two NT girls what you described would be "fine," a standard playdate with lots of teaching moments (sorry, but it just is), but for a girl on the spectrum, I cannot imagine the level of stress she experienced. So sorry to hear it.

I am glad to hear that the other girl's mother did do what she thought was appropriate to punish poor behavior - sadly, if the incidents were repeated afterward, this would indicate that "time-out" simply doesn't work for her child. I'd approach it as a matter of, "When my daughter was over the other day for her play date, she tells me that there were some incidents. I'd like to hear from a grownup what happened, though." Non-accusatory, and leaves room for her to hear, "I think my daughter was exaggerating" - an important face-saver there, as anything stronger might be heard as, "Your child attacked mine!" This would, of course, trigger the protective-mommy instinct, and then everything gets filtered through that, which doesn't help at all...

For that matter, your reactions are probably being filtered through protective-mommy - which indicates that you would be a good, protective mother, but might cause a small incident (if it was) to be blown out of proportion.

I would suggest talking to the other mom.

It is quite possible that everything happened exactly the way you were told, but I have had instances where both of my kids have interpreted things incorrectly or remembered things that didn't actually happen. For instance, my NT 5 yr old told me last week that a little kid pushed him down and got sand in his eyes at school. It was a very detailed tale and he was quite insistant that it was true.

...never happened. The "sand" turned out to be pink eye and the pediatrician said that he was quite sure that there was never any actual sand.

I can imagine. I was that little girl with AS who was perpetually treated like crap. The difference was my mother never got involved and never got a clue, so it just got worse and worse for me. I won't let my daughter go through that.

DeaconBlues: I agree, and after thinking on it much of the morning, that's basically how I've decided to approach it.

kd: my daughter can repeat facts, and talk about wishes, but she doesn't have the capability to invent things. Perceive things wrong, yes, but not invent...even when we try to encourage her imagination.

Seconded. This is why I would never let (certain) family members watch my son play with his (certain) cousins. I don't trust them (the adults) to intervene appropriately on my son's behalf, OR to let me know if something happens that warrants an intervention.

That said, I've also seen my son get incredibly offended and upset at something someone said that, once explored in context, he had TOTALLY misunderstood and overreacted to. It even happens with us on a semi-regular basis.

For instance: We are in the process of packing up and moving to another state. Our son was born and raised in the city where we currently live. The other day, my husband and I were grumbling about some school closures in our area, or the heat, or some other thing relating to our area, and my husband said, "God, I'll be so glad to get out of here. I hate [insert name of city]."

Our nine-year-old son overheard him say this (it wasn't even said TO him), and just lost it. "HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT????! !" he wailed, instantly near tears. "I WAS BORN HERE!! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE I WAS BORN??" He went on like this, and basically seemed to equate my husband's unthinking comment with saying that we hate HIM, and wish that he'd never been born.

Pop does that all the time, sinagua.

I thought my son would never be able to make stuff up. At 4 he wasn't even making whole sentences. But he makes up all sorts of stuff now and takes it very seriously.
Last year I had to say absurd things to get the real story out of him. (he was getting mistreated at school by staff)