Meltdowns and tantrums -- look at it from my side...

Post Reply New Topic

Thank you so much stickboy26. i really appreciate when those on the inside of AS share with me on the outside who is trying to look in and figure it all out so I are not the cause of it. And just so i understand the why's and hows of my son, being only 4 2/3, i don't think he has the emotional vocabulary or knowledge to explain it and sometimes i am just clueless, unfortunately . posts like this help me to better understand my son. so thanks once again.

Stickboy, that is so awesome I want to keep a copy of it to explain to others. You really did an exceptional job of putting all of those feelings into words. I notice you use the same word I do, "scripts". Thank you for taking the time to write this. I especially liked:

A note on stimming. A sudden dramatic increase in stimming can also be due to excitement. My son, daughter and myself all do it. But yes, in the context of stress, this is a HUGE RED FLAG that a meltdown is about to commence.

Hi Stickboy,

Thanks for taking the time to post all that. I have printed it off and have had several reads through it. I want to ask what is the best way of helping my 7 yr old AS son, to calm down when he is having a meltdown, but to also understand that it is not acceptable to have a melt down where you yell at people and hit them etc.

I will give you an example of the sort of situation I am talking about. During the weekend we were staying at a camp where they had a mini golf course. My son was playing on his own, but with a few other kids playing on different holes. He became determined to get a hole-in-one on the first hole and kept playing it for ages. Some 12-13 yr olds came along to start playing and must have been waiting to start, but my son flipped out about them "staring" at him, and by the time I got to the course the group of boys had moved on to anther hole, but my son was still yelling angrily about not getting stared at. I knew at this point that I needed to get him away from the course at back to our motel to calm down. I told him that you can't yell at people angrily like that, and that I wanted him to come back to the motel so he could calm down. He was yelling, "No", "Go away" and "Be quiet" at me . . . can't remember how, but I eventually got him back to the motel, but then his sister was naughty and I got distracted, and he slipped back to the golf couse to find that some 3 yr old had made a tunnel with stones on the hole he'd been playing on, and so he flipped out at that and whacked the kid with a golf club. Kid goes off yelling and AGAIN I have to talk him into going back to the motel. My husband and I went out to pack the car and give him some space on his own, but he locked us out of the motel.

So, my main questions out of this illustration would be: 1) When I am trying to get him to go back to the motel, do I totally ignore dealing with the bad behaviour at this stage? 2) How do I get him to leave the golf course when he won't come and is too heavy to carry? 3) How do I make him understand at some stage of the drama that it is not acceptable to behave like that? 4) How do I get him to treat me with respect (ie. not locking us out of the motel!)? 5) How do I get him long-term to recognise when he is getting wound up so that he can choose to leave the situation himself?

Hope that isn't too complicated. Any comments would be appreciated, if you can be bothered. I would just like to learn the best way I can help him in these situations.

THANK YOU Stickboy! Please keep posting and giving your insights here - they are so valuable and important.

Hi Annie. It's really, really hard to advise you on what to do in a situation like that without knowing your kid personally. He apparently does not yet understand the way his actions come across to others. Either that or he had gotten himself so wound up that he lost sight of it. I think you were right to get him away from the golf course though.

It's important that you help him see (as in, not hear) that those actions look bad to others, and that's only possible after he calms down completely, so if anything about the golf course was the stimulus, then the only way to wind him down was to get him away from it by wahtever means possible. So you were definitely correct in doing that.

Beyond that I don't know how he normally thinks, talks, behaves, etc. so it would be very difficult, if not futile, to try and advise you on how to teach him. The wrong method could actually do more harm than good IMHO.

Thanks, Stickboy. I think your comments have emphasised for me the need to focus on the calming down. Too often I probably go for the telling off approach, and I can see now that it doesn't get us anywhere, or even makes things worse, unless he has calmed down.

thanks for taking so long to write the original post. i've read "professionals'" views of the process behind a meltdown, but none had this personal spin. it's been like a window inside my guy's little brain.

annie, i really really really recommend "explosive child". you can't redirect a 7yo once he's started raging. prevention is definitely the way to go. good luck. it feels very bad to be afraid of your child's behavior. ~hug~

Hiya,

We call meldowns tsunamis and we call all of us on the spectrum jellybeans. That explained. Hope this helps

Because spectrum children and adults work so strongly in local (perceptual) processing, the amount of sensory detail they have to deal with can be overwhelming. It can also be difficult for them to select the most important instruction or piece of information they've been given, and this, too can be overwhelming. They can then go into 'meltdown', which used to be called 'temper tantrums' in the bad old days. we call them tsunamis, and here's a description of what can cause them, and how to deal with them:


WHAT STARTS A TSUNAMI?



1. I've asked my kids and their most common trigger is FRUSTRATION. Imagine your child in the classroom trying REALLY hard. If your child has for example Dyslexia, s/he will quite obviously have difficulties in specific areas. With jellybeans you see it may not be as obvious, it may be a particular lesson that's coming up, a break time that proved stressful or just trouble ruling a margin on a page. It can be the smallest of things to trigger the feelings of frustration. Frustration when accompanied with increased stimming is a sure fire way to see the early warning signs.

2. COVER UP. This is also a common reason for a Tsunami, the time your little jellybean HAS done something wrong and is so angry with themselves that the anger is overwhelming and they get so cross that they punish themselves and others. Apologies are hard when your skin is leaking like a colander, your arms are flinging and flanging and your face is screwed up like last week's homework. The Tsunami is in a kind of bizarre apology, a recognition that they know they've done something that they shouldn't have. They are very sensitive and even when they have been a little devil, most know it and do beat themselves up.

3. SENSORY OVERLOAD. This is the most common reason in jellybeans who may have over-sensitive reactions to their surroundings - to light, heat, clothing, sounds, smells. Remember that to these jellybeans it may feel sometimes that every single thing in the room is trying to attack them. Why? Because they actually CAN'T filter anything out. Everything can hits them too hard and too fast, all simultaneously sometimes. They may feel too hot (remember their thermostats can be set far too high), and at the same time they can hear the neon light making a deafening buzz. Someone in the room is chewing a sweet and that sounds in their ears like a whole swarm of bees. Dinner is cooking and your jellybean can smell every ingredient, just as if he had his nose right inside every cooking pot and saucepan. Light is coming through the window and dancing about all over the place like pieces of blinding broken glass. And you're speaking to him and your voice sounds as if it's amplified so loud that it's completely distorted - it's like having his ear next to an amp at a rock concert. Is it any wonder he suddenly starts to scream and shout at everything just to STOP AND SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF HIS FACE?

4. INFORMATION OVERLOAD. This is a particular problem to jellybeans who may not be able to listen for very long. Did you know, some jellybeans actually can't listen and look at the same time? They have to do one or the other, but may not be able to do both simultaneously. So, if you're giving too many instructions too fast and these instructions are complicated and involve shifting between listening and looking, and if there's an emotional edge to what you're saying, too, that puts your jellybean's brain into free fall. It's like a computer crash.

The best way to cope is to deal with them, and trust me they need dealing with. TSUNAMIS are DANGEROUS. It's as though we lose control and although we may be sort of aware of what we're doing we just can't stop. As a parent you really do need to alert everyone to Tsunami-spotting and try to stop it before it runs its full course. It comes on in waves, sometimes out of nowhere, and CAN be halted in the first wave, which lasts about 20 to 30 seconds, but after that it's as if we're drowning under successive storming and crashing waves of panic, fury, frustration. Our brains go down under it all. It's a very scary experience, for us, as well as anyone who may be around, and WE NEED HELP PLEASE!

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP - WITHIN THE FIRST 20 SECONDS

1. Speak to us and tell us firmly and in a single word that we are getting out of control.

2. DON'T TOUCH US!! !! !! Touch puts us into even more overload.

3. Don't give us a lecture - we can't HEAR.

4. Leave us alone, let US have the last word.

5. LET US RUN, if necessary, out of the door, upstairs to the bedroom or to lock ourselves in the bathroom.

6. When we emerge SAY NOTHING about it, ignore us when we reappear, we are probably a bit sulky still so let us be. We will communicate with YOU when we are ready.

WHAT CAN THE TEACHER IN THE CLASSROOM DO?

1 Don't Panic. Speak clearly and firmly - just one word is best.

2 Distract the jellybean with something that they are good at. SUBTLY

3 Remove the jellybean from the classroom with one adult to a quieter more private area.

4 Allow the child to STIM and don't crowd them, just be kind and keep them SAFE.

5 Allow the child to let off steam physically, allow them to RUN and run and run, the playground being preferable to the school car park.

6 Reassure and stay in the background. The child will wind down.

7 Don't threaten with anyone or anything.

Finally on Tsunamis, DON'T TOUCH. Unless you are invited to, try and avoid the temptation of hugging a distressed jellybean, even when you think its safe, it MAY NOT BE!

Forgot to mention

I'd like to add just one thing here. I tell parents, teachers and carers to treat a meltdown as if it was an epileptic seizure, because usually there's an altered state of consciousness. And, it's worth remembering that there's an outside chance it just might be a complex partial seizure as I've discovered with my youngest son.

Firstly, great thread topic

Secondly, in my experience of my own explosions, the above is great advice jelibean. My last big public meltdown was in class a few years back. I was in a small room and I usually managed to get a seat near the door, on this particular occasion I arrived late and to cut a long story short, I got sat in the middle of the classroom. I needed to get out fast but there were people between me and the door. I knew I wasn't coping but my escape route was blocked and I exploded, very loudly in a very small room; fortunately for me, everyone went quiet, there was very little noise after that and no-one bothered me. Everyone acted very well; I think it was because they didn't know what to do and I just concentrated on getting myself together again.

For me, its as if everything melts into one and all that is left is me and the thing I don't want. Its pointless for anyone to say anything when my focus has become that narrow because my mind is on the thing thats frustrating me and often there is nothing except that.

Its a shocking experience just as much for myself as the people around me and I need time to make sense of the world again.

[b]Concerning your original post...............I am so glad that you posted this...My daughter is autistic and she is two, she hasn't actually had a meltdown yet, so I have been lucky. She does get angry when she can't communicate, but she is very calm. No telling what the future holds, right?? I posted the link to your original posting in a group I am in on myspace for a guy who is concerned about his autistic brother who has meltdowns. Thanks for being so open, we appreciate it.

Hi stickboy - I want to thank you very much for your post - you have really explained so much of where my son is *almost* at right now. I am at work so will need to think a bit more first - but I think I will have some more questions for you.

My son is 13 and in the middle of a *huge* growth spurt (6' 2" tall). He is starting to show signs of awareness of his meltdowns but we are yet to have great ways to deal with them. But you made comments about behaviours preceding (talking to oneself etc) and that really rang a bell with me.

I have been wondering whether I should bring J in here - having read your post I think I will.

I will come back with a more thought out response and questions when I get home - but THANK YOU so much.

Cheers

Thank you for writing this I am printing it out to give to family to read!! ! Before we had my daughters diagnosis I used to think she was just spoiled. But when rage goes on for 3-4 hours and everyone ends in tears I knew it was something more!! Now I am more aware of the look in her eyes she "zones out" it becomes to much for her and I know it is time to go. Thank you for sharing!

G'day all,

Now I have had time to think through Stickboy's post I thought I would come back and try to express what I think I have learned and see if there are any comments.

My son (13, aspie and very hormonal) has always been fairly compliant and easy to get on with on a day to day level. As a small child he would have some impressive meltdowns and it took me a while to 'get' the difference between 'aspie' behaviour and simple butt-headedness (if that makes sense) and most of the time there wasn't a difference but I had to learn that. When he was diagnosed I went on a huge learning curve, reading everything I could to try to understand him and on the whole did pretty well but my biggest problem was that I felt I was having to learn a new language as I am a very abstract thinker - which doesn't go well with his concrete thought and speech processes. I still catch myself out saying things to him and seeing the confusion in his eyes, but he is much better at clarifying when he doesn't 'get' me.

Over the past year his hormones have hit him (and me) like a thunderbolt and reading your post stickboy made me realise that J and I are now butting heads because I have been misreading him badly - I think. He had become more argumentative and aggressive. I was seeing that as the influx of testerone, but after thinking through your post I am seeing this differently. Especially when you said about talking to yourself - J also does this.

My house has always been very noisy (J, his sister who has an acquired brain injury and two english mastiffs) and I have been acutely aware that J needs quiet time. Thank goodness he is learning that as well and has started going to his room to listen to music with headphones on. I encourage this as he always comes out feeling much better.

I think the next step is to try to get him to identify more when his stress levels are rising and to work out ways to combat this. I know noise is always an issue, and that he needs to retreat to his world at times (he does this with computers largely) but another trigger is when he wants to talk about his obsessions and getting the time to do this when I am not run off my feet is always a battle. Also when he needs to do chores, but then that is also teenagers!

Thanks again stickboy and I will be reading here much more as I feel like this place will be great for me to learn - and hopefully for J to come as well.

Cheers

What a society that expects everyone to be "politically correct", what a society that says "you can't have a meltdown", we all need to be so careful...This society seems to be going down the tubes as much as the economy...The ONLY reason that these things are no longer accepted is because some NT made up some ridiculous rules as to what is correct...As long as you don't have a meltdow, it's ok to lie and cheat as many idiots do in the corporate world...that's perfectly acceptable, as long as you do it in a respectable manner...as soon as an Aspie calls him on it and gets angry, he gets fired for catching the lies and cheats in corporate America and every other business out there...

Thanks Nick, you really helped me understand more about my own meltdowns. I have Hyperacusis and when I hear a sudden loud noise, I do behave in meltdown behavior. People don't understand how terrifying it is to have a panic attack. It's a lot like what you said about an invisible monster, that people can't see it so they don't understand why someone would seemingly overreact in a normal situation.

Furthermore, I end up having to try and explain to parents my condition cause their kids may make loud noise. They presume cause I look young I'm being a brat, wanting attention. I feel a lot of the times, like well if I didn't care about their kids I wouldn't bother mentioning my condition to them, and just wait until I screamed from being overwhelmed by the noise, and then have them try deal with that.

It really is amazing how people can be so ignorant about invisible disabilities. I mean we can have ads saying about people who have Fibromyalgia, "If you could see how I feel, then would you understand?" Yet nothing explaining meltdowns to people. I even had a parent ask me once, if I expect them to stay home all the time cause they have small loud children. I have to stay home most of the time, because if I go out and try to explain this to someone like a waiter that I don't want to be sat near kids. I end up sitting next to someone screaming baby, cause they're too stupid to know how to remember things.

Telling someone who is triggered into a meltdown by a certain situation, that it's their own doing. Is like telling someone who is physically disabled, they deserve it.