School refusal

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Hi all
J has been asking the last few mornings to stay home.
This morning he was a little more adement. I did get him there however it took a lot of coaxing. Stoping at fences, asking him to let go of said fences.
When I asked him why he didnt want to go, it all comes down to the work is hard, school is hard and he is lonely. He can spend most of break times looking for someone to play with him, occasionaly they will, then the bell goes and its time to go back in.
I reminded him that he could go to the office during this time (this is all the school offered in terms of if he was having problems socially) He doesn't want to go to the office, he isnt comfortable telling anyone at school how hard he is finding it.
Because he didnt want to go this morning we were late and had to go to the office to get a late pass, there was another mother in the office also getting a pass for her kids. she said hello to J and got a very sad look, she looked at me with raised eyebrows, I told her he was not wanting to come to school, she responded by telling me that the last two times she has said hello to J he has been sad.
He usually greets this mum very happy, he usually is willing to go to school, very rarely asking to stay home.
It's breaking my heart to see him so sad.

Have you asked the teachers to find him someone to play with. I know when I was in hs if the teachers saw a student who was alone in the cafeteria or on a field, they'd go asking around until they found a group for that student to be part of.

aaww I know your pain! My son has been complaining a lot more then usual about school being too hard and now on Sunday nights he's upset b/c he has school the next day. He's struggled more with the work load this year then before and its only going to get harder with each year. He also doesn't have any friends at school and this is the first year he's really started to notice and its bother him. It makes me sad for him b/c I know it bothers him and he wants to "fit in" but he's just not sure on how to do that.

Could he stay home ?

Is there any reason why he couldn't stay home? Are you there ? Could he homeschool?

Homeschooling doesn't need to mean no school again ever, but might be what child needs for a time. The peace and space and calm/confidence uninterrupted by the pressures ( and sometimes terrors ) of school to do some growing at their own pace/rhythm.

Why make him go? Unless there is noone who could look after him at home of course.

I dropped my sons back to 4 days/week at school last year. They found 5 days too tiring.

Also, I helped out in the classroom for 2 hours/week and the boys loved it when I was there.

How are you progressing with getting an IEP for him? Life will improve when he has his accommodations in place.

Our 8 year old was very lonely last year. He had lots of input from the wonderful Special Ed teacher he had last year regarding making and maintaining friendships.

Now our 8 year old complains he has too many friends and they all want to play with him!

Could your son take a favourite book to school to read during the lunch hour? Another boy in my son's class (who I suspect is an undiagnosed Aspie) brings his dinosaur books in and reads them at lunchtime. This has helped him make friends with other kids who are dinosaur mad.

Helen

Friendships are so hard for them. One moment it's all working out, and then poof...there isn't anything. Mine is never consistent, and he never understands why these kids stop being friends.

That is the most baffling to him. He can't understand all the interactions of the other kids, and why he's left out. So I tell him to try and be friends with one kid at a time. It's often easier if they don't act in a group. In one-on-one situations, they tend to get more of the interaction. It seems to have helped somewhat.

He's also very helpful if another kids feels left out. That's another thing I recommended to him. If he feels bad, then find a kid who doesn't have anything to do either, or that the clique has currently kicked out, and befriend him or her.

Good luck. It's tough. And I know it. I accepted early on that I would never be part of a group. It was very hard though to watch your own kids go through it... I know I try so hard with him...but my own abilities are limited.

Hi all,
J is only at "normal school" 4 times a week. He goes to an aspie arts program every wednesday, the mid week break is great.
The autism resource workers go into his mainstream school tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, apparently they are only there for an hour, I guess it all depends on whats going on in that hour, as to how valuable their input will be.
I asked at his arts program what the resource workers will be doing and because there has been a change over in staff recently they weren't sure. (the arts program is run by the same place that the resource workers come from) The guy incharge of the arts program also said that its going to be hard for the resource workers to pick up on everything in only an hour, because most of J's probs are very subtle he could easily go under the radar.

I don't think homeschooling would be a good solution. When I was young I had a REALLY hard time getting along with public school, but I think if I hadn't gone to public school I wouldnt be NEARLY as functional as I am today.

Aurea what age is your son? Would this help. For reference we call everyone on the autistic spectrum jellybeans AND neurotypicals are marshmallows!! ! We talk in analogy. Hope this helps. I may be able to help more if I know what age he is?

When I talk in analogy I refer to it as TIPS............Talking in pictures! Here goes



This just might help you and your jellybeans to understand some of the secrets of getting through the SYSTEM called School. You can try this with your child, and the obligatory paper and pencils of course, if you decide to draw this one.
Time to gather up your cossies, towels and flip flops, we’re going swimming, and if you can’t swim, don’t worry there are plenty of lifeguards around to help you. No excuse.

School is like a Swimming Pool, a big proper one with diving board, but daunting, busy, noisy, smelly and BIG and dangerous. The idea is to LEARN to swim gently. Jellybeans do take longer to do some things but once its learnt, we get a bit cocky and think that we can swim the channel on our own. Whoops wrong, but its only when we’re sinking fast, waving our arms everywhere trying to alert help that we realise we've bitten off more than we chew. Sometimes the Lifeguards don’t notice.

'Its a big scary place,school. Jellybeans are very sensitive to new environments and it's so busy,so where do I start? There are new rules, new people, sound and noise. Help! I‘m starting to drown already and I haven’t taken my flip flops off yet. I need to learn a SYSTEM!’ shouts your little jellybean.

Don’t forget that the deeper the water the more crowded it becomes. There is far more help in shallow water, much more structure. Tell him or her to try to gain stability in the shallow end first. Don’t be tempted to take off the aids too soon, and be prepared to put them back on if required. Play it day by day and be flexible. They are LEARNING, they want to make you proud but they need your help.

You see even though a lot of jellybeans are quite noisy, they actually hate noise, they can't hear their own noise just other people’s. So it’s ‘SENSORY OVERLOAD’. Prepare for a Tsunami or, worse, still drowning.

There are a lot of fish in this pool, here are some and if you like you TIPs make up your own. There’s a lot of splashing, and freak waves as well.

SHARKS – Bad jellybeans and marshmallows UNSAFE
DOLPHINS – Good jellybeans and marshmallows SAFE
SEA HORSES – Wise, kind jellybeans and marshmallows SAFE
PIRANHAS – Dangerous jellybeans and marshmallows UNSAFE

I hope by now you’re seeing what a frightening but colourful place this can seem for a bouncy jellybean. It is so important that we try to achieve two things in this section.
1. You as a Parent can relax and feel confident in the SYSTEM
2. Your Jellybean feels safe


Who does your jellybean feel safe with? These are Dolphins and Sea Horses. Name them together. Point out the Piranhas and the sharks. Of course there are Lifeguards around as well, but they can't possibly watch everyone all of the time, there are too many.LIFEGUARDS ARE TEACHERS

Lifeguards are specially trained and have lots of buoyancy aids, rings, floats, arm bands, long narrow foamy things and of course they're very strong swimmers themselves.They are teaching everyone to stay safe. The trouble is that the Lifeguards don’t always see what goes on under the water. Sharks and Dolphins look similar, they're very difficult to spot. Its only the fin that makes a difference really, isn’t it?

Is it any wonder that us jellybean and marshmallow parents are anxious as to the fate of our little jellybeans. My eldest son at tender age of five was a mini Houdini and as artful as a bag full of monkeys, how on earth was he going to cope without me? Who would understand his outbursts, the way he asks for a drink? Who then is going to feel comfortable putting a new born baby into the deep end without any aids at all? No one is asking you to, but they're not telepathic and they haven’t lived in your house with your kids. They don't know you, but I am sure they soon will.

Check out YOUR own docking station/Lifeguard. Hand your child over temporarily to a Lifeguard or two whom you trust. There are some that have slightly more suitable lifesaving skills that may suit your child better. Find out and go and talk to someone that will understand.

Just because your jellybean is in Year 6 and technically should be swimming without buoyancy aids doesn’t mean they are. Jellybeans shouldn’t be compared with marshmallow swimmers. Here are some of the differences.

Marshmallows enjoy swimming and learning is fun. Steady progress. There is no splashing. Jellybeans enjoy swimming sometimes, but not when the water is cold. Jellybeans splash when they get scared or excited.

Marshmallows mainly swim above the water. Jellybeans like swimming under the water only coming to the surface to surprise someone or scare them. Or to grab air.

Marshmallows help each other and know when to ask for armbands. Jellybeans choose to stay on their own and forget to ask for armbands.

Marshmallows use goggles and can see whats around them. Jellybeans forget, lose or break their goggles and their little jellybean eyes are sore with the chlorine. They can't see much at all, let alone a shark.

So you see its easy for a jellybean Dolphin to swim with the wrong crowd, get themselves into mischief and not know which Lifeguard to turn to.

If your jellybean is at Secondary School and is drowning, because he actually thinks he can swim, because all the others are swimming, and he can't, act now. Its not too late, the lifelines are there. You just need to know where to find them. Find a Lifeguard. Point out your jellybean and ask for help.

Obviously the sooner you identify just what the situation is at school the better. It’s vital you have a good relationship. If you’re all snarling as you read this as there is nothing that you’d rather do than strangle Miss KnowIt-All, then FIND another Lifeguard. Go on, your child needs help, your help. Throw them a lifeline. Remember what it was like for you. But please don’t shout at the Lifeguards, even if you think they’re not doing their job properly. The Lifeguard may not know that your jellybean is in trouble, they may think that s/he just has an interesting swimming style, and hasn’t realised that this thrashing about is just his or her effort to stay afloat, and that his or her leg is being pulled into the depths of the water by a Big Red Shark.

A Dolphin or Sea Horse in trouble is genuinely in trouble, they may have had their toe nibbled by a Shark, but no one saw so when your jellybean screamed in agony and got told off, actually it wasn’t their fault. Be prepared to jump in with them if necessary. Just make sure you swim confidently and calmly towards them with the correct aid and without making waves. Remember the water gets deeper and deeper and eventually past the diving boards, the gates previously shut, suddenly swing open and your little jellybeans are swept out into the big Sea of Life. Then it really does get very scary indeed.

Ensure your jellybean has as much preparation as possible, Reassure them that they will be safe. You will feel safe too. When you collect them, have a lovely warm fluffy towel and a big hug.

TIPS helps us understand that we have some wonderful strengths and some scary (for us) weaknesses and that we can learn new skills to help us survive happily. Wow!

thanks for the replys guys.

Annie2- trust me I am considering it.

[quote="aurea"
Annie2- trust me I am considering it. [/quote]

Make sure you post and tell us what happens...

Jelibean, that is a beautiful story. Have you considered publishing! If you do I know a wonderful aspie illustrator!

Oooh nannarob, thank you so much. Actually we have hundreds of stories like that and have just gone live with a website! I will pm you the details. AND yes we are gonna publish AND we DOooooooo need an illustrator. I have written a bedtime 10minute story for jellytots and jellybabies to be able to understand. It is called Snow mountain. You would love it I am sure. Check your inbox for a pm!! ! And thanks, all the encouragement is brilliant and to hear that others love it and find it helpful is the biggest buzz of all! THANK YOU, meant a lot!

I couldn't do it to him, ie upset his routine so that he acts up at school.
So far I haven't heard anything from the resource worker, she will be out on school visits and will contact me on Monday. I know this because the mainstream school admin worker called to reschedule my psg meeting time to Thursday instead of Tuesday so that the resource worker could be there too.

I'm not sure how I feel now, I'm getting paranoid. Does the resource worker want to be there to say he's fine stop being a pest? Or has she actually seen something in the hour she was there?

It's gotten to the stage where I am second guessing everything.
Maybe he doesn't have aspergers, maybe it's something I'm doing? I have to keep telling myself, he was diagnosed by the head phsycologist at the hospital, they got their information not only from me, but from other doctors, they spoke to one of his teachers, they met with J, I didn't go looking for aspergers J's peadiatrician wanted him screened for autism. Friends have seen seen stuff and commented. These are the thoughts that are going on in my head almost daily.
Does anyone else feel like this?

Hi aurea,

yes, I know what you are feeling. I sometimes feel like that when the school tells me that everything is fine, my J is doing well in all subjects, (that's a load of porkies - pork pies - lies), and that I have nothing to worry about. And they give me a certain 'look', halfway between pity and patronising, infering that I'm just a neurotic parent, taking up their valuable time.

It's a shame the resource worker is going to make you wait til Monday. Could you ring or email her anyway?

How are you going with looking at new schools? I took J to look at another one on Monday and am seriously considering moving...

Take care,
Temma