What is it like to be a Parent of an Aspie?

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So much of what you described sounds like my son's life in school that I had to read it twice!!

Fear not! He will find a circle of friends and he will learn how to fit in. Don't despair, I know how your heart goes out to him. I lived with the same sympathy for my son, Anthony. He endured so much ridicule in school. He did have sessions with a psycologist which seemed to help. He amazes me because he is determined to find himself a "place" on this planet, and he will. Even at 29 he is still struggling and sometimes has to quit his job because co-workers don't accept him. Never the less, he forges ahead. He is about to get his Bachelor's degree in Psycology, he needs to complete one more course....Statistics! Ugh, which he has already failed twice, but he will not give up.

We give him lots of love and support and although living with him is sometimes.....well....more than frustrating, we know he is a special person who is striving to find himself and each day he gets closer to doing so.

I wish the world could be half as accepting as they are judgemental. My two aspies are the greatest in the world, although high maintenance, I wouldn't change a thing about them except their vulnerability in an unforgiving world.

It is the most wonderful experience possible. Seeing your child grow enfettered by conventional intellectual restraints is a beautiful thing. The places his mind can go already are way beyond what most people will experience in a whole lifetime.

Yea the social interface thing is a challenge, but a small price to pay.


bookworm

I'm just getting started. Well... I have two years of it so far. I have twin boys who are both on the spectrum. They were just diagnosed this week. They're 5 and they are amazing. I love the challenge. A random old skater punk having to grow up...late, but better now than later, eh? I'm 30

Sue,

Your son is truly loving and compassionate. Due to my own differences I have been interested in various disability issues, such as cerebral palsy and Down Syndrome. It is great that Anthony has been able to help and befriend other people with differences.

Being a parent to my aspie son is amazing. At times it can be very hard work & you'd need the patience of a saint but overall its so rewarding. I have to put lots more time & energy in but what I get back is soooooooo worth it. Sometimes we have a little world of our own & its like no-one else exists & we chat away & just spend time together & we are both so content. He fascinates me every day with the things he says & the way he views the world. Also its never boring for me as he keeps me on my toes. He is forever asking questions like how do the milk get into the cows udders, if I dug a hole & kept digging would I end up in australia (we are in Ireland), do skyscrapers really scrape the sky??!

Sometimes it can be exhausting though & he has frightened the life out of me by running off & climbing up a fire escape onto a 3 storey building roof & waving down & telling me he's just checking to see what type of chimneys are up here & looking at me as if to say what's the big deal I won't fall. Luckily the roof was a flat roof. He was also the only child when he was a toddler to go behind the bouncy castle to play as he was more interested in the thing that blew the air in than jumping on the thing!! Or the time he decided to walk to preschool on his own (its only up the road but still). Thankfully this type of behaviour has calmed down a lot.

He is forever amazing me with what he can do. He knows my moblie number which is 10 digits long since he was 4 & can say it backwards just a quick. Once he can spell a word he can do it backwards no problem. He is forever saying to me remember when I used to watch, play or did something & he would explain it vividly. He is only 5 now & he tells me he remembers stuff from when he was around 1.5 which is unreal. He can add, multiply & subtract. He knows there are 6 zeros in a million. He makes me so proud every day but also can make me so when he says it exactly how he it is. He is a literal thinker & I find it hard to explaiin that you can't just pass comments on peoples appearance. ONly recently he asked a very old woman in the supermarket "how old are you" & "will you die soon". Thankfully she saw the funny side but I was

I could go on but won't bore ye!

Hey there! I think it's cool you asked this. Being the stepmother of an Aspie fully in the throws of trying to figure things out with my husband and his ex, reading the replies helps me to see that we're not alone. We feel SO very alone right now. We live in a small town, and between my SS (stepson) getting into regular trouble at school, and my SD (step daughter) now also having problems that I think are related to not getting nearly enough attention because it's always about my SS, we're well known in our community for having "problem children". But I challenge any one of them to do a better job with the hand we've been dealt.

It's very easy for parents of NTs to tell people like us what crappy parents we are and how, if we'd just "step up as parents" (direct quote from one of my SS's teachers), our kids could be just like theirs... perfect little drones who don't make a fuss, and whose parents haven't taught them to work through normal kid conflicts without involving the school and the police and attorneys.

So what's it like? Lonely. Isolating. Frustrating. Deflating. Humbling. Exhausting. Positively the most difficult job on earth... but wait, that's just parenting. Parenting an Aspie is that on overdrive. Parenting is also enriching, and it pushes parents to live outside of themselves, which is typically a good thing. And hopefully, the end result is a little person who brings love and beauty into the lives of others.

I would not necessarily want to make my SS NT, because I know that once he's a little older, he'll be a funky, cool guy. His capacity for sweetness and goodness is at times mind boggling. He can behave so badly, then turn around and do something that reveals an amazing spirit. He has a wicked sense of humor that's a problem right now, but will be brilliant when he's older. He loves to have a laugh, and though it's in his own quirky way, he loves to converse.

That said, I would be lying if I didn't say I'd like him to be NT for three reasons: 1) At least right now, at 13, it would make his life easier and more pleasurable (I have two stepkids close in age, and I can see how much easier things are for my SD than for my SS -- it's hard to be any kind of kid, but being an Aspie is so wrought with difficulties that are heartbreaking to see from the eyes of a parent); 2) To make my SD's life easier (we're trying to work on this, but our household revolves around my SS -- SD does not get the attention she wants and needs for all of the adults having to save my SS all the time - it leaves us depleted and often not as "there" for her as we should be); 3) It would make my DH's and my life easier (I know that will sound incredbily selfish, and likely is not the politically correct response, but it's true -- parenting is the single most challenging endeavor a person can embark upon, and parenting a child profoundly impacted by a developmental disorder complicates this already difficult job -- I have SO much more respect for my parents now that I have children in my life, and my SS being an Aspie just reinforces that.)

I love my SS. I value everything that he teaches me daily about him, about me, and about life. I was raised with a dad telling me that life is not fair, and believe me, every day that I spend with my SS, I see that very clearly. It's not fair that such a beautiful boy has to go through life with a way of being that just doesn't work as well with how our society expects him to be. And it's not fair that everyone around him walks on eggshells trying to figure out how we can adapt to him to help him be "okay" in our NT world. I am new to the Aspie world and just trying to figure out how to be the best parent I can be, even if I am just a stepmother. I would marry my husband and his two kids all over again, even knowing how difficult things are right now.

We knew we had a "different" baby when we took him home from the hospital! He didn't cry like a baby...he screamed like he was in pain.... after one and a half years of sleepless nights, no babbling baby talk, no "da da" or "ma ma", no creeping or crawling, no recognition of us as parents, no playing with toys appropriately...FINALLY a pediatrician agreed with us..we had a problem. He was diagnosed over the years as ret*d (even though he was reading at age 4), aphasic and mildly cerebral palsied. I was also blamed as a "refrigerator mother"...my coldness toward him was felt by him so he withdrew!! ! Even though we loved him without reservation and tried constantly to hold or hug him...he always resisted...sort of like hugging a log! Autism was suggested but he was too "good"...At a conference in the early '80's I heard Dr. Maria Denkla talk about a newly rediscovered diagnosis of Aspergers syndrome and was so excited to hear her describe our son to a T!! Private schools (public was mostly a disaster), the "Doman Delecato creep crawl program" at home which seemed to get him speaking more appropriately, my going back to college for a Masters in Spec. Educ., support from friends and a strong marriage with a good sense of humor got us to where we are today. He has certification in Library Science, reads only non-fiction, has a great memory, writes well, lives by himself with our financial support,but...cannot hold a job, has no real friends, wants to have a meaningful relationship but hasn't a clue as to how to begin, is a loner by choice and gets irritated if he is with others who may want to do something he is not interested in, (in other words a typical Aspie!).
We are at an age where friends talk of grandchildren, of their kids professional lives, where their holidays are filled with family young and old. Do we envy them? You bet! Do we love our son...yes, beyond description...but would we change things if we could? In a heart beat! Bringing him up convinced us one child was more than enough (and we met a number of families where there were more than one Aspie kid).
Maybe adult Aspies don't see themselves as needing to be fixed...that's part of being an Aspie...the amazing self centered-ness! Be aware...we "normals" around you trying to love you are suffering...it's not a good way to live.

I constantly fight the guilt of my own parenting. I always question my parentling abilities and worry about my son. I strugggle to unbderstand and to connect with all the things about him I just don't understand. I fall back on my younger son with whom I have so much more in common with.

I try to become a better person daily, in order to be a better parent for him. My wife and I get tired and frustrated and we struggle with our own relationships at times. So much is dedicated to my son in terms of time and effort it can become difficult to say the least.

It's a relief to have discovered this site and read the posts of other parents and those with AS. Thank you to you all.

Allen

well, I often get parents disagree and against me, and autistic teens and adults with me.


Whats it like with a child with autism.

Well my son has always just been that to me... my son. I think he's like any other child and make sure I treat him like one ( no not force him to act and do things like them... but support and encourage all his interests and likes and dislikes )

I've never been able to connect with parents in my own shoes and I don't know why. I HATED watching these doctors treat him as if he's some science experiment and some stupid label when he's the boy I've had all along.

It's hard....


My son nor the autism is hard and hurts. It's society and the way people see all you. I HATE IT. I wish I could run away with him into our little world where nobody will hurt him or treat him like he's some alien species.

I hate all this puzzle BS ( excuse my french ) talks society has.

I dunno, maybe I'm in deny, maybe I haven't truly accepted it or maybe I refuse to follow everyone who speaks stupid about "healing, saving, fixing" their child.

I often cringe my teeth when I hear parents say "my son is inside somewhere and I gotta get him out".

I'm sorry, but I think thats ripping precious time with your child away looking for an expected child they'll never get back, and instead enjoy this new world.

My son is my pride and joy, I will never give up on him and he knows that. At times I do feel like a push over and unappreciated, but I can't give up cause if I do and leave him in the hands of doctors and society... then I'm a failure.

My son and I have come along way. He never got treatment or help. It was all me. He progresses and shows the world they're all wrong without meds or diets. He's come along way and the major ingredient is his mother's devotion, love and support and understanding and I'm open to learning and hearing out what all these people say. I'm also very against all you being treated as if something is wrong with you, when it's us that has the problem. we're ignorant and blinded by society and you guys are just amazing severe or mild.

I found out my son has aspergers seven months ago. I have put all my heart into learning what I can. Sometimes I am amazed at my handle of the extreme emotions he goes through, and other times I feel trapped by my in ability to comfort my little boy. He is six years old. We have spent the last three months trying to convince him that he will indeed change from kindergarten to first grade. When picking out a school for him, we knew we had a problem, but no diagnosis. We chose a private school to shelter him with loving adults. He is very smart, and a fluent reader far before school. He has all the usual asperger issues, with adhd and rigidity being the greatest. The anxiety and generalizations seem to be the most important things for us to overcome. I worry that his fight or flight instinct will come into conflict with his private school and we will have to go to public. I do not like the public school we are assigned to. There services for aspergers are weak in nature.

My son was just dx'd last year. Actually he doesn't have an actual dx yet. We are running into brick walls everywhere because of his age & where we live. LOL ~ I suppose 'running into brick walls' is rather funny to use... Obstacles... )

Andrew is amazingly intelligent, extremely talkative, knows his movies, cars, loves to build with legos, make movies, and write novels by hand. We are just learning what precipates a meltdown. His meltdowns are different now than when he was little. He used to cry and throw a tantrum. Now he simply retreats into himself when something stresses him out; either negative or positive.

I love my kid, I hate it when people say "O, he has AS? That's just a "mild" form of autism. " Mild, schmild!! ! It affects every area of his life, EVERY area. A mild cold, maybe; mild AS NOT!! ! )

my son and I have alot in common as we are both autistic. Luckily my wife is NT so when im overloaded or having problems she is there. In a way though I think I understand my son better than anyone.

My son (12 yrs old) is the best surprise I could have imagined. I didn't know he would be who he is... I know I am the only one who really "gets" him and this is a delight and terrifying too. I'm concerned that no one else will see the complete goodness that he is besides me. When he is rejected- I am sad for days. When he "looses it", I am sad for days. When he is himself and I can see in there, I am delighted and it is all worth it. I know I am the only person that could handle this pain and joy at the same time. It is heavy but I know it is why I am here...

I love my aspie, he is easy to parent. What's hard is trying to get the school understand him. It seems like school is a fight everyday. His teachers have been great, but trying to get testing etc. The other thing thats hard is lots of appt's OT, social skills, this Dr. that Dr. and hiring advocates, it's alot of work, time and money but if helps worth every bit.I also think it's hard on the other children in the house, it's hard to spreed your time. I found my younger daughter doing alot of things to get my attention, to me it's sad. I have 4 kids and my 3rd is my aspie. He is really a great kid, he's the sweetest 9 year old I know.