new to this, son DX, age 5, need school ADVICE!

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My son is in the middle of being diagnosed. His doctor, as well as my husband and myself are very confident that his diagnosis will be AS. He has only been in kindergarten for a week, and we have already received 3 notes home about his behaviour. as a mom, it breaks my heart, but i am also a teacher, and i can appreciate what his teacher is saying:

"I feel so bad giving this conduct grade, considering everything we spoke about. I hate that ____ gets a negative consequence for behaviours that aren't within his control- or are they? I am struggling with being sensitive to his individual needs and still being consistent with rules and consequences. He's not really disruptive - the behaviours are just noticeable and I can't ignore them in front of his peers, I have to be consistent and fair with the group as a whole. Please give me feedback on this."


like i said, THIS IS ALLLLL SO NEW TO ME!!

I do appreciate her point- he is in a class and all the children are expected to walk in a straight line in the halls, wait to be called upon when they raise their hands, etc... (two things he is struggling with).

I know it would be tough having to correct one child for something, and not him... but as a MOM, I feel so lost here! I feel like something isn't working right. His teacher had never heard of AS until I told her about it. Since he can function in a normal class and won't need to be in any sort of special classes- I think it's nice that she will be learning all of this as we are.

What can I do? How can I help him AND her??


I am planning on going to the principals office tomorrow to discuss this.

Any replies are appreciated.

I also feel like I'm only starting here- we don't even have our official DX yet- and I'm already having to go to bat for him! Is it always going to be this way?

does the school have any early intervention classes? my daughter is 4 and doing early intervention before she starts school next year, but they also offered to have her be in early intervention for 2 days and school (prep) for 3 days a week if she is having trouble. She has not been fully assessed either, but has autistic tendencies. Some school have programs to help kids with these problems, but some don't. The principal will probably tell you anyway if they have anything to assist him. Good luck!

thanks for the reply!

yes, they do. but it is a small class out of our town. our shcool is in our town- that school is a town over 25 miles away. also, that class is reserved mostly for the children who cannot 'be' in regular classes. noah's AS is mild, and he is the smartest in the class (according to the tests), so he will continue to be in this class.


i think she is just as "new" to this as i am.

and to be honest, i just feel overwhelmed, as does she i expect.

First of all, the wording of the teacher's note is SO kind and considerate -- I was very impressed with her desire to help your son, and also understanding of her desire to maintain rules and structure in the class.

I can tell you from a point of view that is six or seven years later than what you're dealing with now --

The teacher HAS to keep the rules and structure consistent for everyone. It is problematic that your son gets in trouble as a result, but eventually, he WILL catch on and he WILL be able to follow the rules. I can say this from experience. My son also had a very difficult time following the rules in kindergarten. He is now 12, and he can follow the rules. There were a couple of bumpy years there for a little while, but eventually he did learn. This isn't unusual, either -- there are kids in every kindergarten class who are NOT on the spectrum who have difficulty following the rules.

What we had to do was STEEL ourselves as parents for the first few years -- we got used to notes coming home, phone calls, and having to deal with issues. It's very frustrating -- we never had to deal with this with our older children -- but over time, it definitely has improved. Actually, what may end up happening is that your son will learn the rules, and then he will become THE ENFORCER of the rules, and drive everybody crazy!

Honest -- this too shall pass!

thank you.

you brought tears to my eyes... it's everything i needed to hear.
we homeschooled our first child, and she is now advanced a grade and a complete 'angel' to teachers. top of the class, no problems ever type.

so, it's been tough enough having my little guy start school- but then having such trouble- plus the stress of his DX to begin with. i mean, i am very thankful. very.

my kid is one of the most affectionate, easy-going kids anyone could meet. but nope- i've never seen him walk a straight line in his life. we often joke, 'he doesn't walk, he wanders'. i've been reading the forums, and now i know why we have them!

thanks.

It looks, from what you typed that Noah has a really caring teacher. I think that you should not stress so much about things. Things are going to work out for you, noah and the teacher. I think once Noah gets into a routine of whats expected of him at school things will get a little better for everyone. That may take some time.

You haven't said anything about where you live, and since different countries have different educational systems with different laws, different rules, and different ways of doing things, it's very difficult to give you any solid advice. Also, until you get the diagnosis, it may be premature to do much besides try to educate the teacher and principal, and grit your teeth. Once you have a diagnosis, the laws governing your educational system will kick in, and folks here from your part of the world can probably be a big help!

The issue of fairness, and how rules are applied, may depend on your son's diagnosis, the school, and how differences are handled. If a behavioral intervention plan is developed, it would supersede the general classroom consequence rules for behavior management. That would be preferable. It wouldn't change what the rules are in the classroom, but it would change how your son was expected to learn to adapt to the rules, and learn to adjust to them. By having a plan that was developed for him, it would be geared to his specific needs, the incentives would be incentives that he would be interested in, and it would be much more likely to facilitate the kind of result that everyone is seeking, with the least trauma to your child.

sorry! i have a habit of avoiding personal info.
it's the U.S.

i am aware of IEP's, so hopefully this will be something we can approach soon.

i appreciate this:

and jaysonlee4- thanks- i keep thinking "it's only the 1st week! are ANY of the kids walking in a straight line??"

You will need to ask for an evaluation of your son, and an IEP meeting, in writing. From the time of you sign your permision to evaluate, the school has 60 days to complete its evaluation. It then has 30 days to hold the IEP meeting and another 10 days to put the IEP into effect. Some states have some variations on these numbers, so you should check with your local support group or education law center to be sure. I would suggest asking for the school evaluation now, rather than waiting for your evaluation to be completed, because of the ridiculously long waiting periods for the school to complete theirs. When yours is done, provide them with a copy.

When the school contacts you, ask them to complete a functional behavioral analysis (FBA) to address any problem behaviors the teacher is experiencing, and there should be a BIP (behavioral Intervention Plan) put into place. The plan should use POSITIVE BEHAVIORAL SUPPORTS - not punishments! First, punishments rarely work well with our kids, and second, punishments are not good ways to shape behavior. A behavior plan that uses punishments is likely to set up power struggles, which is something that should be avoided whenever possible.

Also have your son evaluated by an OT. It is very likely that some of his "unusual" behavior is his response to stimulus overload. The OT evaluation needs to be done by an OT who is experienced in dealing with children on the spectrum, and competent in sensory issues, not just fine motor issues. This may mean that you cannot use the OT that the school district generally uses - try to get names from the person doing your evaluation. They often have a list of resources at their fingertips, and it can save hours of research time! If the school insists on you using their usual OT, chat casually with her about her experience and areas of focus. You might get a sense of her expertise in this area. If possible, stay with your son during the evaluation, so you will know whether he was evaluated for sensory issues.

If your school district has a PTA for parents of kids with special needs (they are called different things in different school districts), you should get involved. Other local parents can be fabulous sources of information and guidance (and support) in dealing with your local school district. Good luck!

wow! thank you so much.


this is invaluable.

i start back to college today, and oddly enough, one of my classes i registered for (before we even heard of AS) is, "Special Education Survey in the Public System". so i figure i'll have a bit of a help just with that! not only that- but i have no reason to not have an "A" in that class now. sort of hard to fail a class you are walking through, eh?

This is what I remember happening in the first grade --

Before they pulled my son out of the regular classroom, and put him into a "special" classroom with kids with a variety of diagnoses, my son would get out of line, lose focus when the line would move, would get lost, etc. Once, the whole class left the lunchroom, but somehow my son ended up somewhere else. They found him later, but I'm sure it was somewhat traumatic for the teachers (not at all traumatic for my son -- he was probably happy to be lost).

My son didn't know how to share properly at that point. He didn't understand WHY he had to stand in a stupid line. He had to be at the head of the line all the time (desire to be first in everything -- that's something that has really changed over time). He didn't want to be with the group. He wasn't able to sit still on the "carpet" during reading time. Now, there was a kid with somewhat severe ADD who also couldn't sit still on the carpet during reading time, but that didn't seem to bother anybody.

My son was only in a "special" classroom that year. Since then, he's had aides in the regular classroom for a couple of years, and then that was stopped in third grade. He's had speech therapy, which was especially helpful with pragmatic language and also social skills. Through the speech therapist, my son was asked to pick a couple of friends from his regular class to come to speech to learn play skills. Then, in his fourth grade, he would pick a couple of friends to come to speech to be lunch buddies, and they would work on conversation skills.

Now he's in seventh grade, and the only "special" class he's in is a reading lab, to work on his reading comprehension skills.

The hardest thing to do is weigh your options. Our school provided lots of support, and that was wonderful in the early years. But later on, we've tried to skim off the support, in an effort to help our son become more independent. So far, it has worked, but I never feel comfortable completely with our decisions, because ANYTHING can happen. But things have definitely improved, and they will for you as well!

Hope this helps!! Don't forget I call all children and adults on the Autistic Spectrum Jellybeans!! Neurotypicals are called marshmallows!! Just in case you don't know.

School is like a Swimming Pool, a big proper one with diving board, but daunting, busy, noisy, smelly and BIG and dangerous. The idea is to LEARN to swim gently. Jellybeans do take longer to do some things but once its learnt, we get a bit cocky and think that we can swim the channel on our own. Whoops wrong, but its only when we’re sinking fast, waving our arms everywhere trying to alert help that we realise we've bitten off more than we chew. Sometimes the Lifeguards don’t notice.

'Its a big scary place,school. Jellybeans are very sensitive to new environments and it's so busy,so where do I start? There are new rules, new people, sound and noise. Help! I‘m starting to drown already and I haven’t taken my flip flops off yet. I need to learn a SYSTEM!’ shouts your little jellybean.

Don’t forget that the deeper the water the more crowded it becomes. There is far more help in shallow water, much more structure. Tell him or her to try to gain stability in the shallow end first. Don’t be tempted to take off the aids too soon, and be prepared to put them back on if required. Play it day by day and be flexible. They are LEARNING, they want to make you proud but they need your help.

You see even though a lot of jellybeans are quite noisy, they actually hate noise, they can't hear their own noise just other people’s. So it’s ‘SENSORY OVERLOAD’. Prepare for a Tsunami or, worse, still drowning.

There are a lot of fish in this pool, here are some and if you like
make up your own. There’s a lot of splashing, and freak waves as well.

SHARKS – Bad jellybeans and marshmallows UNSAFE
DOLPHINS – Good jellybeans and marshmallows SAFE
SEA HORSES – Wise, kind jellybeans and marshmallows SAFE
PIRANHAS – Dangerous jellybeans and marshmallows UNSAFE

I hope by now you’re seeing what a frightening but colourful place this can seem for a bouncy jellybean. It is so important that we try to achieve two things in this section.
1. You as a Parent can relax and feel confident in the SYSTEM
2. Your Jellybean feels safe

OK, read this bit carefully because I want you to go back and identify your child's docking stations - their peers first. These are Dolphins and Sea Horses. Name them together. Point out the Piranhas and the Sharks. Of course there are Lifeguards around as well, but they can't possibly watch everyone all of the time, there are too many.Lifeguards are the teachers.

Lifeguards are specially trained and have lots of buoyancy aids, rings, floats, arm bands, long narrow foamy things and of course they're very strong swimmers themselves.They are teaching everyone to stay safe. The trouble is that the Lifeguards don’t always see what goes on under the water. Sharks and Dolphins look similar, they're very difficult to spot. Its only the fin that makes a difference really, isn’t it?

Is it any wonder that us jellybean and marshmallow parents are anxious as to the fate of our little jellybeans. My eldest son at tender age of five was a mini Houdini and as artful as a bag full of monkeys, how on earth was he going to cope without me? Who would understand his outbursts, the way he asks for a drink? Who then is going to feel comfortable putting a new born baby into the deep end without any aids at all? No one is asking you to, but they're not telepathic and they haven’t lived in your house with your kids. They don't know you, but I am sure they soon will.

Check out YOUR own docking station/Lifeguard. Hand your child over temporarily to a Lifeguard or two whom you trust. There are some that have slightly more suitable lifesaving skills that may suit your child better. Find out and go and talk to someone that will understand.

Just because your jellybean is in Year 6 and technically should be swimming without buoyancy aids doesn’t mean they are. Jellybeans shouldn’t be compared with marshmallow swimmers. Here are some of the differences.

Marshmallows enjoy swimming and learning is fun. Steady progress. There is no splashing. Jellybeans enjoy swimming sometimes, but not when the water is cold. Jellybeans splash when they get scared or excited.

Marshmallows mainly swim above the water. Jellybeans like swimming under the water only coming to the surface to surprise someone or scare them. Or to grab air.

Marshmallows help each other and know when to ask for armbands. Jellybeans choose to stay on their own and forget to ask for armbands.

Marshmallows use goggles and can see whats around them. Jellybeans forget, lose or break their goggles and their little jellybean eyes are sore with the chlorine. They can't see much at all, let alone a shark.

So you see its easy for a jellybean Dolphin to swim with the wrong crowd, get themselves into mischief and not know which Lifeguard to turn to.

If your jellybean is at Secondary School and is drowning, because he actually thinks he can swim, because all the others are swimming, and he can't, act now. Its not too late, the lifelines are there. You just need to know where to find them. Find a Lifeguard. Point out your jellybean and ask for help.

Obviously the sooner you identify just what the situation is at school the better. It’s vital you have a good relationship. If you’re all snarling as you read this as there is nothing that you’d rather do than strangle Miss KnowIt-All, then FIND another Lifeguard. Go on, your child needs help, your help. Throw them a lifeline. Remember what it was like for you. But please don’t shout at the Lifeguards, even if you think they’re not doing their job properly. The Lifeguard may not know that your jellybean is in trouble, they may think that s/he just has an interesting swimming style, and hasn’t realised that this thrashing about is just his or her effort to stay afloat, and that his or her leg is being pulled into the depths of the water by a Big Red Shark.

A Dolphin or Sea Horse in trouble is genuinely in trouble, they may have had their toe nibbled by a Shark, but no one saw so when your jellybean screamed in agony and got told off, actually it wasn’t their fault. Be prepared to jump in with them if necessary. Just make sure you swim confidently and calmly towards them with the correct aid and without making waves. Remember the water gets deeper and deeper and eventually past the diving boards, the gates previously shut, suddenly swing open and your little jellybeans are swept out into the big Sea of Life. Then it really does get very scary indeed.

Ensure your jellybean has as much preparation as possible, Reassure them that they will be safe. You will feel safe too. When you collect them, have a lovely warm fluffy towel and a big hug.



HOPE THAT HELPS AND MAKES A DIFFICULT TIME JUST A BIT EASIER!?XX

www.jelibean.com/

Last edited by jelibean on 25 Aug 2008, 4:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Jelibean, that is the most WONDERFUL way to teach this situation! I liked it so much I read THE WHOLE THING to my husband!

that is wonderful! thank you! it will definitely be handy.

i laughed at the above part because, my little Aspie freaks out about his goggles every time we go to our gym's pool. literally 10-30 mins of screaming and crying.

most regulars are used to us and know, "it's not the goggles!" we've had so many people approach us to help tighten them, loosen them, offer other pairs... always very kind. oddly enough, once he's 'done' and calm- he doesn't need goggles anyway.

Awww my pleasure schleppenheimer AND amywithlemon, thank you so much for posting TIPS ( talking in pictures) is something we teach children on the spectrum. Analogies are far easier to understand. Temple Grandin started us off with Thinking in pictures so we have just stepped it up a bit!

Check this out! Hope you like it!! Some more of the same only different!! !!

Life is like a motorway. This may help your jellybeans along the way. Which car are they? Anyone watched Cars the movie! Jellybeans love it. Anyway Talking in pictures is the way to go!! I think anyway! There is much more on our site if you would like to know more.
www.jelibean.com/
It is all FREE! Easy and INSTANT!



MOTORWAY OF LIFE!

Motorways work equally well. Liken life to the motorway closest to you. Life on the Motorway can be very dangerous indeed especially for the scared little jellybean.


The driver of the car is the one who is responsible for getting from A to B in as safe and direct way as possible. Most children like cars, even the girls, especially if its a pink or black Mini convertible, with a really neat CD player and shiny alloys. I am sure it doesn't take much imagination for your child to identify their own self as a car. Would it be the T Reg Escort, the Silver one with the gold go-faster stripes, the alloys and sound system that cost more than the car is worth?



Marshmallows usually identify with the steady reliable cars like Volvos or Saabs or Land Rover Discoveries. They may look boring, folks, but they are always the ones to start on that cold day in December. Marshmallows appear to read signposts very well, respectful of others on the road, they pay attention to the speed signs and are able to predict the road ahead, they also take into account the weather and the time of year.

OK by now I hope your jellybean will be able to think of the car he or she is most alike. This is the time to take that piece of paper and the pens or pencils and start to draw their imagined journey through school, or the family, or their social group.

So start their little jellybean engines up and take them on a very different journey up JellyMallow Motorway. Ask them to make a map of their route. In advance, tell them, they must

Prepare for the journey.
Make contingency plans for the unexpected delay or two.
Be flexible
Don't set impossible targets.
Stop regularly, refuel and refresh.
Observe other drivers. Stay away from the boy-racer types.
Stick to the speed limit. Accidents will delay you and maybe even include you.
It's just a matter of sticking to the rules and knowing what the signposts are.

It's important to take particular note of point 5, taking a break.

Remember the docking stations in the Rocket Charts? You can use Service Stations to make the same comparison. Ask your child what and who their Service Stations are.

Service Stations provide:

Rest and Relaxation - time out
Fuel and Energy
Help in case of a breakdown
Service and tidy up time
Reassurance and advice and information
You can also ask them to mark out the people they know, in their class or in their social circle, ask them to put these people in whatever kind of car suits their personality, and place them in whatever lane they think they're suited to. Mark the slow lane as green, the middle lane as amber, and the fast lane as red.

It may surprise you where your jellybean child places you, and in what kind of car s/he places you, but this is all part of the learning process you're going through together, and if you do a motorway map at the same time, your jellybean, who's chosen a pink Mini as representative of themselves may be shocked to find that you've decided they're actually a quad bike, which shouldn't be on the motorway, anyway! You may also be surprised at their choice of vehicle for "friends" whom you thought were reliable. Your jellybean child knows best.

The possibilities for the motorway are endless and together with the Rocket Chart are probably a book on their own, so I'll end this bit with a few little ideas for you to expand on while you're drawing your maps with your jellybean.

Speed Cameras mean stick to the rules and slow down. If you do get stopped by the police or get ticked off by the teacher, you only have yourself to blame.

Use the correct fuel, putting diesel in a petrol engine wreaks havoc. Ensure that you have identified a good Service Station to stop at, one that will provide you with all you need to proceed safely.

Exits always lead to roundabouts, and you can always change direction if you want, but crossing the central reservation is lethal. If you make a mistake, that's OK, best to admit it quickly and return with an apology.

Lane Control is vital. Point out that the middle lane and fast lane are actually only to overtake slower cars or big lorries. Staying steady in the slow lane will be SAFE and you can then watch all those around you from a SAFE distance. There is really only one lane in our lives thats SAFE thats why the marshmallows choose it. It's the lane marked green.

So who are you in car terms, or are you a great big juggernaut?

I used to be the crazy bottled blonde in an untaxed Ferrari, always in a helluva rush, handbag hanging off my arm half open, searching for the keys which is making me stressed as I KNOW I had them a minute ago. Once that drama is over, it's the CD, it's the wrong one, the kids have been messing about with it.

By the time I get to wherever it is that I am meant to be, I'm a wreck, and the car is missing wing mirrors or even a wing. I thankfully now spend most of the time in the slow lane, as I've found that a second-hand Punto is OK to drive and gets me where I want to go. I've found a great steady Discovery to stay behind. I tend to do as it does, its SAFE. Whenever I do pull out to overtake it somehow blocks me gently. I don't need to overtake any more.

This is the story of my life, but what you're doing in watching your jellybean plot his or her life on the motorway of secondary school or work is finding out, jointly, what preparations and risks your jellybean knows s/he is making and taking.

These are the things you should be watching out for:

Is your child identifying itself as too fast or too slow?
Does your child know the danger signals, or is your child so scared of the danger signals that it can't progress?
What colour is your jellybean's car? Is it a SAFE colour?
What kind of cars are your jellybean's friends and teachers and mentors? Are these cars dangerous? Are they articulated lorries, are they pulling caravans and getting in your child's way? Are they White Vans? Do any of your jellybean's friends have faulty brakes and no MOT?
What lane does your child drive in, and does s/he feel SAFE in that lane? Is it the best lane or does s/he feel forced into that lane?
Who are your child's Service Stations? And why? Are these Service Stations readily available throughout the day?
Is your child scared of changing direction?
What does your child see as its journey's end?

jat- i'll def look into the PTA for special needs. with my luck- i'll end up having to either start one or be the president. i have that happen all the time.


and schleppenheimer- thanks! i'm pretty sure he'll be ok.


today he came home with an "S"- which is a good behaviour mark! and he told me, "Did you know I have a girlfriend?" i replied, "really? how did that happen?" he said, "i fell in love. i kept trying to tell her, but she didn't listen."

he's so fun.