I need some advice. Sorry it's a little long

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I need some advice.
My 9yr old son was dx'd with AS late last year, I'm having all sorts of probs getting his school to recognise this dx and to make any form of accomedations for him. (I have posted here lots)
Things have gotten so bad when it comes to any sort of school related talk at home he wont talk about it and he shows signs of depression relating to school. Take school out of the pic and he is his normal quirky self.

Everyone apart from his teacher at his respite program think he is copeing, even the autism resource worker that has been into the school hasn't in the past come up with anything that great to help him because he appears to be doing well. I am so confussed, I want school and social settings to be much happier for him but I can't think of any stratergies to help him because either the dx is wrong or I have a child that does a fabulous job of being NT.

J had a play date yesterday that he was sooooo excited about (he desparetly wants friends) this play date was with another 9 yr old aspie. His first ever play date with this child, although he does know this boy fairly well. (they both used to attend the autism respite program together) J had a great time with this boy, playing on the pc and the wii, if you didn't know better compared to the other child you would think he was NT, no real quirky behaviour on show at all. We get in the car to go home, and thats it....he picked up his book and there was to be no discussion about his fantastic play date at all, infact no talking at all. I am assuming he needed his down time, as he does with school. Even once home, no talking for several hours. He has behaved like this before after a playdate with a different aspie, but I was stupid enough to continue talking to him in the car on the way home and it resulted in a massive meltdown.

I don't think he is ever going to get the support he needs, because he is hiding it so well. Even this morning he said to me " I would like to sing when I do my school work, it makes me feel better" I said well then sing, if you need to. He says "no everyone tells me to shut up" this is the kids not the teacher. J has been told to shut up so often by the other kids, over the last 4 years of being at school, this is one of those things that is ingrained now, but I don't think its helping his mood.

I need to know if this sort of thing ever goes on with you or your kids, and how do I help him show the school and the rest of the world that it is ok to be himself, he is a very interesting cool kid. I'm afraid at this rate he is never going to get help and support, but he may end up on medication for school related anxiety. Its almost like this NT behaviour is now a rule with him that no matter what I say or do he will not break it. He is doing such a good job of being NT i almost feel like a fraud or a liar around other aspie parents when they meet him. Is there anyone out there that is going threw something similar?

I have a son that I did not get a dx until he was 24 years old. I knew from birth that something was different about my son and even though I had him tested it was not found for many years. I have learned a lot about my son through reading and be talking to him. I know that my son feels frustration every day of his life. This is one emotion that he knows what it is. He also had lots of trouble in school and I was very involved in his schooling.

One thing that I have learned about my son is the way he sees the world. He sees it in pictures. When I want something specific from him I give him a picture of the outcome and this helps him know what is expected from him. You son like mine is a collector of facts, and he is probably way ahead of most of his instructors. It is hard for him to go from one thing to another at the pace they expect of students. I talked to his teachers and tried to come up with something that would work for them and my child.

I and my son do not make a big deal out of him being an Aspie but with the knowledge of his differences have helped us by educating ourselves about his condition. My son went with me and read books about his condition and this seemed to help him more than anything else. He asked if there was a book about what it like to be normal. I asked him what is normal? That he is who he is and that he is normal for who he is even though he may be different from what everyone else would call normal.

Your son like mine was born with spaces in the right hemosphere of his brain and this is the part that controls his mathmatics , language and social skills. He has to learn what to do in certain situations instead of, like us, knowing what works and what does not.

My advice to you is to read and educate you and your son about himself. Telling him he is special and that he is normal. Do not dwell on the hand that has been dealt to him. Cherish him and help him find go to people who he can feel secure in going to before one of his melt downs.

I hate to sound cold hearted, but there is nothing that can be done (or should be done) about your son and his NT approximation acting. Whether he learns this skill now, or later, he will need to approximate NT behavior in order to do things like: get and keep a job, get along well with closed minded co-workers, show respect to people who dont deserve it, etc. The fact is that life (and ESPECIALLY school) isnt fair. Trying to get your son to be accepted as he is is an impossible task. The only thing you can do really is to limit the damage done by schooling. Try to make the rest of his life enjoyable, and stress free, and just hope that going to school doesnt hurt him too badly.

Now if this world was an accepting one, people with autism would be allowed to pursue their hobbies, go into careers that they find interesting, and become valued experts in that field. Unfortunately, people with autism are considered burdens, and any deviation from the norm, no matter how harmless, is treated with contempt and ridicule. Positive aspects including attention to detail, and ability to gather large amounts of information are treated as problems, rather then pluses.

Encouraging your son to act more like himself at school will just get him ridiculed by both his peers and his teachers. Learning to act normal isnt a happy, or stress free thing, but it has to be done in order for him to survive in this world. The best thing you can do as a parent is just allow him to relieve the stress that this generates. If he wishes to remain quiet, then let him be quiet. If he wants to sit in the corner and rock back and forth quietly then let him. It doesnt hurt anybody to do these things. He may have to be NT at school, but his home should be a safe place for him to unwind. The best thing you could do is tell him that you love him even if he acts strangely, and that there is nothing wrong with acting weird at home. Don't try to curb his autistic behavior at home, just let him be himself.

Over time he will become more experienced at NT emulation, and it will stress him out less. But dont try to interfere with the NT approximation process. You might make him seem more NT if you constantly suppress his autistic tendencies, but do you want a NT son, or a happy one? Learning to act NT isnt easy, I know that from experience, but its something that he has to learn to do himself if he is to be successful at it.

If you are looking for a good way to reduce his stress, and also improve his social skills, consider a multi-player online computer game. Games are a great way to reduce stress. And if he can play the game with his friends, then its a great way to interact with others. Your sons ability to memorize vast amounts of information, and consider it from a unique view point will allow him to become very skilled at any game he finds interesting. And talking about games he finds interesting is often an easy way to interact with peers. Much like being good at sports is respected by some children, being good at computer games will get your son some respect and friends amongst other children. That is how I made most of my friends. He may be called a nerd, but having other nerdy friends who share the same interest is better then having no friends at all. Also, the online aspect of the game will allow him to play with others whenever he is in the mood to do so. Organizing play dates, and taking kids back and forth is generally something that needs to be scheduled. Playing an online game with friends can be done whenever. Just call up the friend, ask him if he wants to play, then play with him online. He can also make friends online with people from all over the world and play with them.

Scheduled activities like sports are decent for getting normal children into social settings, but not so much for kids with AS. Due to the clumsiness inherent within AS, he probably wont do to well, or be too popular with the sport. Also, the set schedule doesnt take into consideration that your son has good days, and bad days. Forcing your son to go kick a ball around and interact with other children when he doesnt want to isnt a very good thing, and may cause him to regress socially. The flexibility of online games with friends is much better. He can chose when to play, so he isnt forced into doing it on an arbitrary schedule. Furthermore, because people with AS often have a natural aptitude for logical thinking, he will probably do well at the game, and enjoy it more.

Also, online games (particularly RTS, or Real Time Strategy games) are better for his academic success. Kicking a ball around a field doesnt really teach him anything. Watching TV doesnt really expand his mind much either. Reading a book may increase his imagination, but it wont help with his reasoning or executive skills. Trying to figure out the best possible strategy for a game exercises his brain alot more. He will learn how to quickly analyze a situation, calmly think through the alternate actions, and then coordinate his forces on multiple fronts. Furthermore, Most games are based upon equations, and mathematics that underpin how the game plays. Understanding this game will also encourage him to become more familiar with math. I know I have taken the time to create many spreadsheets for the games that I play in order to come up with the most effective strategy. He may not become an expert at calculus overnight, but learning things like how much damage a unit does, combined with the opponent's hit points will really teach him the basics in ways that are far more interesting then a teacher's lectures.

I know that when I was 10, my favorite game was StarCraft. It is a RTS. The objective being to command an army, gather resources, build a bigger army, and wipe out your enemy. You could play against other people, on a team against other people, or on a team against the computer. This requires a good deal of planning, and critical thinking, along with the ability to juggle multiple tasks. Your son can learn much about quickly and calmly responding to an opponents attack. Something that will carry over directly to real life. If your son can learn to stay calm, and work his way through problems in the game, then he will be more able to stay calm, and work though problems in his real life too. Learning things like how to lose a game without becoming upset is also an important social lesson.

Your son doesnt have to play StarCraft, thats just what I did 11 years ago. I also played Age of empires II, Homeworld II, and Command & Conquer. All of those are RTS games. There are new RTS games out now, but there are still a few people like me, who enjoy the old classics in case you want to play those. You might want to just try any RTS game, and see if he is interested.

I am not saying that playing computer games will fix all your son's problems, but it does allow him a way to relieve stress, make friends, learn important social skills like staying calm under pressure, and losing graciously. It also exercises his mind, and teaches him to respond quickly, and juggle multiple tasks, something that most aspies need to work on. Furthermore, you can tie what he is learning in math directly to his game.

When he is older, you may want to introduce him to MMORPGs like FFXI, or WoW, or Eve-Online. Those are games where thousands of players play together on the same server. They compete, and cooperate with each other on various quests and missions. Its a great way to learn more advanced social skills, and also have fun at the same time. Also, like all online games, he can chose to interact only when he wants to, and avoid direct face to face communication. The social interactions in these games are all done through a text interface, which should help even the playing field for your son. Generally these games are played by older people in the 15+ range, so it may be wise to wait till later for your son to play these games. I know that I spent 3 and a half years playing FFXI. I made many friends, had lots of fun, and didnt have any of the problems that I usually do when socializing. It was a great experience that really helped me.

I'm sorry that there is no magic cure I can give you that will allow your son to interact with society in a way thats normal for him, and accepted by others. But you have to work with what you are given. Remember, the most important advice, is to let your son work out the NT emulation behavior himself without any nagging by you. Give your son what he needs in order to relax at home. And having a fun game to play with others cant hurt. I know that probably 85% of my friends are people I have met online playing games. If I didnt have the chance to relax, and enjoy playing with other people in a way that was comfortable to me, I would probably be much worse off then I am today. What would be even more helpful, is if you learned the game with your son, so you could share his hobby too.

P.S. you dont need to worry about your posts being long. I am lucky if mine fit on one screen. Also, if you want to give an old classic RTS a try, I can play a few games with you online to show you how to play.

Remove the label, teach him everyone is special and different.
Give him something to be proud about thats him and different then others, something positive.
start from there. this may help him start ignoring the other children's criticisms enough for him to start being him self.
help him believe in his self, if he can not be his self then who can he be? right now he just wants accepted.
if he is always trying to please others with what he thinks they want then he will never be happy because not everyone has the same standards and ideals so not every one will be accepting and he may always end up feeling rejected in some way or a failure.

RE: singing while working - i don't feel that it's appropriate for your son to be singing when he & others are trying to do school work.

although my daughter is aspie, she still has to fit into "normal society" at times. this means that sometimes she has to curb behaviors that aren't exactly socially appropriate. curbing behaviors to fit in is not easy. it's not easy to decide what behaviors you need to work on controlling, & what behaviors are simply you- the rest of the world needs to deal with

here's a more concrete example of what i'm talking about: my daughter likes to bite & suck on her toes. she finds this calming. this is not at all socially appropriate for a 10 year old to be doing during school in front of peers. she has worked with the school social worker to find other self-soothing techniques that are less disruptive to the learning environment & that work for my daughter. ................another behavior daughter has is talking in a cartoon voice because she thinks it's cute & funny. not everyone sees it that way, but we feel that this is just part of who she is & the world needs to learn to deal with it.

My son really isn't similar, but as I was reading, and noting your lines about how everyone says he is coping, my question is, "at what cost?"

And you've posted enough that we think we know the answer.

I don't think you are wrong. I think you've pegged it, and are pegging it, but finding answers is the difficult part.

Does he do any counseling? Just to let all those feelings out? I think you've told us, but I forget.

We are all in unchartered waters with our kids, because we here are parents, for the most part, who have decided that "coping" isn't good enough. That we want thriving kids, whose gifts will shine, and who will be happy and proud to be who they are. That's almost radical.

As for playdates, I think it can be difficult for AS kids at your son's age to really get along. Both want to be the boss, right? And your son is happiest when they play his choices, right? Doesn't matter if he likes all the activities, they have to be his choices. So maybe that was the issue this time?

You're already working in the right direction. So is your son. He wants friends - you got him a solid playdate. He says he likes to sing while working. He's asking a trusted adult for a way to make it happen. Maybe he can sing in his head, without vocalizing. He can try it out while he does homework. Follow your excellent gut instinct and suggest things when appropriate. He *is* getting support - from you. That trust will make it easier for him to ask others for help later, or accept it when offered. As that grows, as you learn together ways to cope, it will improve things at school slowly.

Learning to operate in an NT-world is really a must. That's what my husband and I did. I learned my limits too. I have to grocery shop on Monday nights, when the store is less crowded. I can't bunch errands together for more than a couple of hours. It's like a playdate - too much stimulation. Helping your son to recognize those things that are similar to playdates will serve him in the long run.

This is bad?

It is distracting if you are trying to work and other people are making noise. So, his classmates would probably have a hard time concentrating if he is singing.

However, I see nothing wrong with singing while doing homework at the house.

Well ... this is where what is soothing for one person can be upsetting for another. Lots of kids cannot concentrate with any distractions, and singing is a distraction. Probably most kids prefer quiet, which is why quiet tends to be enforced.

So whose needs win out?

Our school has anti-rooms, which is wonderful, although they get used so much they are not always free when you want them. My solution would be to be to write in the child's IEP, "may choose to work in the anti-room." Then the child could sit there, do his work, AND sing, without anyone having their concentration interferred with.

I thought the comment was really cute, btw, about wanting to sing. My son and I have had so many of these sorts of conversations over the years. Sometimes he understands that other kids object, and why; sometimes not. Part of the process we go through is for him to accept the needs of those around him, and then we brainstorm to see if there is any way to get what he wants without having to take away from what the other kids want. Sometimes we have to agree there just isn't a way to get to it for that setting. And sometimes we find a way to negotiate with the other kids, to make them more flexible. Regardless of result, discussing it I've found to be really positive. Just the process is helpful.

my daughter has been scolded before for constantly talking....to the point where no one around her can concentrate on their own work. students have been asked to be moved away from her....doesn't exactly win friends over this way