New here, my son has Aspergers, and I feel helpless...

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I just found this forum, by accident, really. My son has Aspergers and my husband and I have tried treating him as a normal kid, but, the truth is he's not normal (what is normal anyway?)...
We're both very frustrated, scared, and feel like we're totally failing him. Our son is 9. He doesn't like things most kids his age likes. He hates trying new things, whether it be a game, a new food, or anything really.
We are also in the process of moving. When we sold our home a few months ago, we moved in with my sister until we could find a new home, but also, as a buffer to help him transition. We will be moving 2 hours away from my parents (his grandparents) next month and while he now says he's getting excited about the move, I know how hard it was for him to leave his old home.
He has been increasingly aggressive verbally to his little sister (4 yo) and lately in the past 2-3 months, has developed a negative attitude about things in general. He says things that are out of character for him, and I scold him, but I can't help but think of the adjustment he's been through.
This boy has the sweetest heart of any kid I've ever known, and I'm worried about him.

Another thing that worries me is he sleepwalks. At least that's what we think it is and his pediatrician concurs. He wakes up to go to the bathroom and sometimes will start talking to himself or crying out of frustration. It doesn't happen very often (maybe once every couple of months). He does not remember these episodes in the morning when we ask him about the episode.

We're just frustated, don't know what to do really. We just want him to be a healthy, happy kid...

Moving in with my aunt on that age would have gotten me depressive, I can imagine his behaviour. First you tell him that he must move away from familiar things, then you put him in a place with 'other people' without his familiar personal space and then he may hope the living in it is only temporary.
I say this not to hurt you, but trying to show some thing from his view, even if he will not say it.


Here is some general advice... Treating Aspies in a normal way will not work in most cases. Having a structured family life is important, even more important in a situation like he is in now. Having a good schedule, but also a place for his personal belongings and for himself.

Maybe giving him his own task that has to do with the moving will help him accept it, and also take his mind off things. Cataloguing boxes or something else? (it is like a discovery looking in boxes)

You just want him to be a healthy, happy kid. Well, lots of kids have it worse -- physically, mentally, emotionally -- and their parents want the same thing. You know, he's going to be what he is, and go through what he needs to go through, and if that means that his behavior worries you, maybe you should stop expecting him to handle everything fine and dandy.

It sounds to me like you're leaning on him to be the baseline in your family while everything around changes. Give him the room to express his concerns, stop expecting him to adjust without problems. I think you need to understand a little more about stress, both in you and in him.

He does sound great. He's probably trying really really hard to take all this pressure on himself. He's not up to it. I don't really see how you and hubby could be at wit's end about him saying mean things to sis, seeing things more darkly, and sleepwalking -- these all sound pretty much in the ballpark for any kid going through a change.

Give the kid the structure of your own personal strength. He has no idea of what awaits, and not knowing the future means total lack of control and that is very scary.

So buck up and try to be there as an adult. He needs your demonstration that you are not afraid.

I remember worrying quite a bit about my son when he was 9, but with help, patience and understanding, he has totally taken off and is really thriving.

The best thing you can do, I believe, is get to know how he thinks and develop a sense of how he experiences the world. He sounds like a happy child, and that is a plus. When he is upset or acting out, you can be sure something has triggered it. Look for the triggers, then work to mitigate them and help your child to manage them.

Our kids are different, but I've found it something to be celebrated, not ignored. AS is a condition that comes with gifts. Focus on the gifts.

Your son will have different needs than other kids. A broader need for consistency and structure, for things to be as expected. He may have sensory sensitivities. Our kids tend to be logical and literal - many discipline issues can go away simply by explaining why it shouldn't be done. Once a child like mine agrees with the goal, he works hard to model the behavior needed to get to it. But he can get tripped up by that literal thing, being unable to take what he knows from one situation and apply it to something else no matter how similar. It builds a lot of trust if you allow for this with discipline, and hold back on consequences when it is clear your child is confused.

I wish you the best of luck. I am sure the move is very difficult for your son right now, and that is probably at the core of many of the issues that currently worry you. But when handled properly, our kids can do well. They need to be prepared, they need to know what to expect, and they need adults to stay true to what they tell them.

PS - You'll find posting at websites like this one to be a little different than what you are used to. The AS that post here can be quite direct, and may reach conclusions that are not what you meant. And they won't sugar coat it. I've tended to figure it's good training for communicating with my son. Take what you feel applies, don't take what doesn't, but do not allow yourself to get frustrated or to feel unwanted. Those who are AS are an invaluable, INVALUABLE window for us as parents, and they know that we can all help each other create a bright future for our kids.

I haven't time to compose an essay (and I normally would), but I will tell you this much: Don't fret so much, AS is manageble in the real world; I lived with it for 45 years before I knew why I was different. If you're interested, feel free to read any past post to get a sense of what Aspies grow up to be like (for good or ill) without any help or recognition of their differences whatsoever. Still, I'm not saying ignoring it is helpful, I certainly wish my parents, teachers and myself had known what we were dealing with all those years ago. Now that I've been aware for several years and officially diagnosed for several months, I'm still coming to grips with how much it has affected me and does still, every hour of every day. The frustrating part is, there are so few people in the world who understand what HFA is and what it means. Everyone these days hears the word Autism all the time, but nobody explains to the public what we're actually going through on a daily basis. I work with a boss who thinks I'm 'shy'. I got over shyness thirty years ago, but I do have a problem taking in too much new sensory input at once, so meeting a new customer and determining how best to help that individual is a near-overwhelming experience for me - throw in that customer's spouse, BFF and next-door neighbor and I literally cease to be able to understand what they're saying to me. My processing chip gets overloaded and I can't think straight. My boss will never get that no matter how many times I try to explain it. These are the frustrations we live with. But this is a great place for you to come to learn what it's like to live inside your son's brain. Welcome.

I relate to your post. Unlike some of the other posters, I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling frustrated and scared about parenting an AS child. It is part of the journey you go through. Yes, there are the days when it's easy to focus on the giftings and the pluses, and there are also the days when you feel like you're living with a time bomb that you know is going to go off - you just don't know exactly when. A lot of the time lately, I feel like I'm looking down the barrel of a gun. I've lost some of the "freedoms" in life. Some people might say that that is a selfish opinion, but it is reality sometimes. I'm weak, and entitled to grieve and despair - I just need to find the strength to get through those times and try and keep the consistency and help going for my child. It helps to have the support of people here at WP - reading posts about their kids going through bad patches and then things getting better for awhile.

At the same time I realise that my AS son is probably equally frustrated and scared during those bad times. Part of the journey is also seeing things from his point of view, and trying to support and accommodate his needs. He can be the loveliest kid, and at the end of the day, I love and value him for the person he is.

Hi,
I to can understand your fears and frustrations. I have a 9yr old aspie son. You have probably tried lots of things already to help but just incase I thought I would post some things that we as a family do with my son.
Firstly all his jumpers/sweaters or tops have hoods on them, the minute he starts to feel like he can't cope with something or he is getting stressed he puts his hood up (kind of like hiding, I think it also has something to do with the need for deep pressure) This is a great way for us as a family to visually know ok it's time to distract him or remove him or give him space. He can't always explain whats going on even though his verbal abilities are fantastic.

Secondly when a change is about to take place, lots of writen simple cues and photos. You could do this by taking photos of the new house, neighbourhood, new school etc. I would visit the neighbourhood if I could, familiarise him with the street the park the shops etc. If you can take photos of his soon to be room, talk about putting all his own things in his new room.

I know with my son he needs down time, everyone needs to leave him alone, this includes me and his older brother,infact everyone. I have discovered if we have had a change in the routine no matter how small or if there have been extra people in the house J will need longer on his own or to be left to do his own thing. This down time applies even if he appears to have had a fantastic day with a friend (its hard being social, its extremely exhausting) I know for my son J being NT or trying to be or having a routine change or social interaction is a little like being stuck at work until he can relax and let his gaurd down and just be himself. The fact is they aren't NT but this world and everything in it is geared for NT's so each time they have to interact, it usually has to be done in an NT way for others to understand and for them to fit in. I couldn't imagine the exhaustion and frustration of being trapped at work and on gaurd all day. Imagine it as either being stuck at work or in another country, it would mean a new language new rules new customs etc.

With your sons younger sister can you write the rule down on paper that he can't speak to her badly, but give him some words he can use. You also need to teach his younger sister that he needs alone time, or no touching time etc.

I dont know if any of this has helped or will help (hope so). This sight is great for advice and support I have off loaded here many times.

I just remebered, if your son starts in with all the negative talk, perhaps you could try what my sons worker suggested for us (yep my son does this to) Try acknowledging his feelings first eg, Ah J that must feel awful to think or feel like that. Then ask him what he thinks you could do or what he thinks he could do to help make it better. The more you buy into it, the worse it gets, I've found anyway.

Any way good luck with it all. And welcome to wrong planet.

first off, welcome to WP!
I think one of the hardest things to get used to was literal language. Say what you mean, mean what you say. no more quirky sayings, no more metaphors...................anytime i'd say something non-literal, i'd just get so frustrated having to always explain everything
as others have said, the transition is probably what's fueling the behaviors you're seeing now. try to reassure him; outline specific consequences for controllable, negative behaviors ; try to remember you're turning his orderly world into chaos

Hi there and welcome to WP.

I can relate to your frustration and fears for your son, but one thing you mustn't worry about is that you are failing him. Your readiness to ask advice on this forum and gain some insight into his behaviour shows that you are doing your very best for him.

First off, don't try and treat him as 'normal' if that means having certain expectations of him that he is unable to fulfil. It's best not to compare him to other kids of his age because he is not like them and you may begin to perceive him as lacking in some way when really he's just different. Different does not mean inferior. My son (19 now and not dx until 16) was always referred to by the principal of his small country school as 'unusual' and that's how we preferred to think of him.

Take your lead from your son - if he hates new experiences then do your best to accommodate him in not making unnecessary changes and preparing him well for those that can't be avoided. Recognise his innate need for order and structure even though than can cause difficulties for the family at times.

With regard to those behaviours you find worrying, as many posters have pointed out it's probably just a reaction to the stress of the situation you're in at present. I wonder, could the negativity you mentioned be coming from the people around him at the moment? I mention this because our family was going through a difficult patch a few years ago and our younger (NT) son was becoming increasingly negative about things. I was horrified when I finally realised that he was actually picking that up from my husband and myself - we had got into the habit of grumbling about work, about the neighbours, stressing about money etc. We made a concerted effort to change those negative vibes into positive ones and we all felt better.
This may not be the case for you so please don't take offence.

You are not alone parenting your As child - you'll find lots of practical help and support on WP. The more you understand him, the easier you'll find it to accept and accommodate his differences, and to advocate for him when needed. Trust yourself and your instincts when it comes to dealing with your boy because you know him better than anyone - you'll feel less frustrated and more empowered.

Good luck in the journey ahead.

Build his "self confidence" and teach him that you always learn more form
Failure from trying or as Yoda would say Do or do not there is no "try".
Does your daughter have AS? If not that might be were his frustration at.
He ether has a fear of failure or tring to acheve perfectionism.
Get his dad to tell him some mistakes he made and what the consequence was.

Just to put the record straight: I am not a parent, I have no Aspie child. I /am/ the Aspie child xD

My general advice to you would be to let him be who he is. My parents tried in vain for many, many years to socialise me when all I ever wanted was to be left alone. Also, I'd be careful using literal terms like "pull your socks up". To some Aspies, that can be taken as literally pull your socks up and is so terribly confusing. Reading up more on Asperger's and hearing things from other parents of Aspie's really opens your eyes in my opinion and generally helps.
Finally, don't try to make him normal and pretend there's nothing "wrong". Not saying that you are, however. I just believe that acknowledging that your child is different and adjusting to who they are really helps both you and them

At nine years old, I was very unusual. I could read well above grade level, and was reading about medical topics in third grade, but couldn't tie my shoes until fourth grade. It made me feel stupid, even though I wasn't. I always had the feeling something was wrong, even though I didn't know the precise condition.

Please prepare him for the move in advance with pictures, actual visits and walk throughs if possible; but that is not possible- make a list of things for him to do and/or for him to expect from the move. Be very positive and redirect him frequently from any negative behaviors or thoughts. He may need A LOT of repetition in order to change his behaviors and feelings. Be firm, Be positive and have patience. He may even need to sleep in your room the first night in the new house if he is really anxious. This surprised me when we moved and my 12 year old son got upset the first night. We didn't overreact, he didn't want to talk about anything, but we let hm sleep in a cot in our room one night and he adjusted fine!