Minor Vent - sorry

Post Reply New Topic

Well, my 9 yr old. AS, has a ... I guess it could be considered "feeding disorder". Basically he will not eat anything (except mac and cheese and deviled eggs) unless coaxed. We have been working on the other issues he has as well, such as putting 2 different foods on one plate and the need to have new flatware for each individual thing.

We have gone to a "feeding clinic" and we have been working on this a bunch. We are working on learning how to put a meal together, I make him choose a fruit/veggie, protein and a grain for each meal, and we wait until everything is on the plate (far ends and definitely NOT touching) before eating anything.

Posting that to give you an idea of what is going on in general and how HARD it is to get him to eat properly (to maintain his weight he drinks 2 of those boost drinks in addition to eating.) If it's something he isn't thrilled about he only has to lick it to get used to trying new things.

---

Anyway, yesterday he went with his father (he takes them down the road to a friends house) (we are getting a divorce and he takes them 3 times a week) When they came home he was bawling and stimming like mad and crying that he just wanted his pizza, he went to his bedroom and just lied on his bed and cried that he wanted pizza.

APPARENTLY they ordered pizza and all the sudden my 9 year old WANTED pizza and was thrilled about it. Well, his father decided that he should clean the table and tried to hand him a paper towel (tactile issues here, I'm pretty sure it was probably wet, no way he's going to touch that.) and so he refused to clean the table (which means saying "I don't want to do that" and pulling his hands and knees into his shirt, and possibly his head, mostly likely banging his head on the back of his chair which is a big indicator that he needs out of the situation.) Well, since he wouldn't clean the table his father HID his pizza and said if you can find it, you can have it. (IN A HOUSE WITH 8 CATS.)

He was frustrated so I am assuming that he just sat there in his shirt and cried that he wanted his pizza

He comes home and for over an hour and a half was being unreasonable, still having tears rolling down his cheeks. He wanted me to make a piece of pizza magically appear that was identical to the piece that daddy had hidden. I finally managed to convince him that we didn't have pizza and finally got him settled on a sandwich and some pudding.

How mature is that? HIDING a child's food? Especially a child who has problems keeping his weight up?

grrrr

Also, he wasn't having a great day to start with, we worked on homework for about 45 minutes and didn't even get the first problem done. He fell on his way out the door this morning, and didn't seem to have a great day at school as well, though I don't know what happened.

I'm grrrrrring along with you!

I'm in a similar situation to you, a son with feeding issues and a husband I no longer live with and will soon be divorced from.

If my son declared that he wanted to eat pizza I would be DELIGHTED. I certainly wouldn't be putting any obstacles in his way, and as for hiding the pizza as a punishment .... that is just twisted!

No wonder you're venting. This kind of thing is so frustrating, and of course you're left to pick up the pieces, and to comfort and console a traumatised child.

Grrrrrrr....

I'm grrring too in a big way. First, AS aside, my father used to withhold food as punishment and I swore I would never do that. That said, how much does your ex husband really understand your child? I have the same type of issues with my husband. He treats my son like he is a typical child. He yells at him, is quick to take things away because he's impatient. It's right off the bat too, like "you do this or I will take away that", he expects it do be done now, the first time he says it, which my son responds by fighting back. They fight like sibilings. I think I work more with my husband to teach him effective and fair ways to deal with my son than I do actually working with my son. It's really hard and if my husband did something like that I would be livid. You don't give a kid something, then ask them to do something they can't and punish them by taking away something that they were allowed to have 2 minutes ago. That's just the wrong thing to do with these kids. Personally, I think it's harder to deal with people who don't understand and the conflict and criticism that goes with it, than it is to deal with my childs autism. My son is easy compared to my husband and the general uneducated public.

Hang in there! If you ex can be educated, try hard to do that. If he reads, give him something to read. I like Richard Lavoie and Temple Grandin. Richard Lavoie has a good video about kids with learning disabilities. It's more focused on ADHD and General Learning Disabilities, but it fits with our kids to. I had my husband watch it because Mr Lavoie is not an advocate of punishment. We are totally on the same page. It's called "Last one picked, first one picked on". It's a good video.

Good luck with the eating. My son doesn't eat either, and I have been criticised for not forcing him to eat things he won't. He'll starve, and I won't starve him to make a point and I don't care what he eats, just that he eats. grrrrrrr

One more thing. Don't say you're sorry for venting. That's what were here for

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to your son. I have a 4 year old boy that I highly suspect has AS and he does the same sorts of things when put into a situation that makes him uncomfortable. He also has similar issues with food, but not quite as severe and we've gotten him to expand his food options a little bit.
I can't really offer any advice for dealing with your soon-to-be-ex-husband, but as far as the food, one thing that sometimes helps with my son is associating it with one of his obsessions. He's completely enthralled with Star Wars, for example, so telling him that Chewie likes whatever or something like that will sometimes help. Not sure if that would help or not. I'm the same way with my food though, so it doesn't seem like much of a problem unless I stop and think about it.

I'm also grrrring. The thing is, husbands don't want to hear about it from wives, let alone from soon-to-be ex-wives. Is there a third party that your husband has respect for who can help? A therapist, doctor, clergy, anyone who understands and could explain, and who your husband respects? He'll hear it much better from ANYONE other than you!

He needs to be told that your son can never have food withheld as a form of punishment or play (did he think he was playing by hiding the food?); he also needs to hear that there needs to be consistency between the two environments, so that whatever chores he's expected to do in one place would be similar to those expected in the other, and all must respect any limitations your son has due to his sensory issues - so he may not be able to wipe the table, but he could set the table (if everyone agrees on that as a chore). Your son's need for routine needs to be explained, and his warning signals need to be outlined, along with how your husband needs to respond to them. The difference between respecting a child's needs and "spoiling" a child also need to be explained, since your husband is likely to say that you're spoiling your son when you meet his needs.

I'm curious, what does your soon to be ex have to say about all this? Can he see the mistake he made and by any stretch actually learn from it? I really, really, REALLY hope so.

I have less issue with someone making a mistake than with their refusing to admit it.

You can't play games with food with AS kids. It absolutely NEVER turns out right. I hope the soon-to-be-ex can figure that out sooner rather than later.

Me too, I would have been in pieces and Grrrrrr ing as well. Well done for keeping your cool and popping in here for a vent. How sensible. How many of us are in or have been in the same or similar position............gosh I see hands going up everywhere! You are not alone if it is any consolation although I know that maybe does not help now.

You do know that ASC is genetic? Has your ex looked closely at himself!! Hope that makes you smile a bit. I know how awful it is to see a child in pain or so upset especially by an ex, mine is an Aspie...............I am ADHD, it is like a clash of the titans!! Fireworks explode all the time. But hey just remember that you are a great mum and make sure you keep a pizza in the freezer just in case!! ! Take care and good luck xx

Grrr, growl, mumble...mumble.

And you were able to keep your cool?

You're doing better than I would have.

.

Hi,

I would suggest you that you need to visit to some Indian Yoga websites. You'll get your answer from there. In fact, there are some yoga postures that can really help you out in this regard.

CSK

[link removed by lau]

I have noticed that an awful lot of AS children seem to have difficulty eating, or not want to eat, anything much except wheat and dairy foods.

A common, even classic, symptom of food intolerance is addiction to the very foods which one is allergic to/intolerant of. And the addiction makes almost all other foods seem boring/disgusting/hard work/distasteful.

When I was still eating gluten/wheat and dairy I used to eat almost nothing else, except the pickles and tomato and mushroom sauces, salad garnishes, ( and bacon ) on/in sandwiches, burgers, pizzas, etc. Nothing else interested me, ( apart from sugary things ), to the point that vegetables, meat, and even some fruit, often actively repelled me.

I keep noticing this dairy and/or wheat fixation. So many parents post about it, and other AS/Aspergers elsewhere on WP, that I don't think it can be a coincidence. AS are known to suffer far more from intolerances/auto-immune disorders.

Why not try a week without any gluten and/or dairy at all, and after the initial withdrawal symptoms have passed, ( three or four days ), see whether your son eats more freely of other things.

.

grr to your husband..........what a moron..........

food issues here as well.....what has helped tremendously is those plates that have dividers built in . nothing touches

Bah, sorry about taking so long to get back to all your posts. My poor computer caught a Virus Remover2008 virus and oh crud, pages for Virus Remover 2009 are popping up everywhere... might be a bit longer before I really reply.

Think I got it taken care of... wheeee, that was so much fun :S On a side note my computer seems to be loading much more quickly now.


As for your posts:

Well, he is a person who sees everything he does as "what is best" for everyone. He is in the right, or so he thinks. The child wasn't obeying a direct order soooo he must be deliberately disobeying him to prove a point.

As for the education thing, he finally accepts that everything I say is not "all in my head". As for parenting I've had a close friend say: "I always said it was his money and your children. I just didn't know how true it was." It was pretty much my duty to keep the children quite and well behaved so he could have a relaxing time before going back to work the next day.

Since he left he has actually started ...? trying to discipline them. Which seems to mean making sure they know that he is in charge. He has done no wrong as far as he is concerned. I also think he wants to show his "just friend" (who is due at the end or beginning of this/next month.) what a great father he is.

As for educating him, I am trying to keep everything "smooth" until the final date. I am a stay at home mom with no income besides alimony and child support at the current moment. I plan on talking to him after everything is over, right now we are being overly polite to each other... or something...

For the person who said that I was much calmer than you would have been, I think I just kind of stood there and blinked trying to register it all. Plus, I didn't have the whole story, which I got from the 6 year old. (plus, I am just so used to blinking at the things he says that don't make sense.) We never argued, I was in charge of the kids and the house and he made money, which he then spent on video games when the boys really could have used shoes, but I digress).)

With the gluten free diet, we do have medical issues with foods, but I do not believe that gluten is part of the issue here. We have, at one point, taken dairy out of his diet and there was no real change (we were looking for allergies). If things get worse then we might try a new elimination diet, but as of right now I think we will stick as we are. He is tree nut allergic and most likely banana. He vomits after he eats banana, the allergist isn't convinced it's an allergy, but has said to stay away from them. I do not allow, banana, peppers, garlic or onions into the house because of personal allergies. I need to call the feeding clinic and schedule an appointment as well.

Pretty sure the ex isn't ASD, he is a social butterfly and extremely charismatic. I on the other hand . I would be a very high functioning individual... with ADD and OCD tendencies when stressed... I'm good at hiding things and always let everyone walk all over me and feel that I deserve for them to.