Glad my son getting help but what did i do wrong!

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Finally got my son (age 11) a mental health worker, we are in the early stages, but a few things that have really upset me is that the mental health people say he has alot of extreme internal anxieties i.e he builds camps at school to protect him against war or terrorism (news to me i always thought he builds camps to play armies & happy playing) That he is in complete turmoil. He apparently says that he hates his younger brother. I am ok if thats his honest thoughts, but he can manipulate things very well. I know he thinks, does, plays, things differently but i always treated him equally and love him equally, and i love him to bits, i find i am so upset did i miss something, did i do something wrong, I may not do things always to what the experts say, but i have done what i thought was the best for him. Feel like **** now - never thought he was in that much turmoil, i know like many AS their world is not like ours and i really try hard to relate to him. THey are looking at family therapy for us now, as apparently he has seperation issues, and that as a family we are too close, and theres no seperation from mum/dad time/space to the kids. What the hell does that mean. Oh and apparently they see no obvious forms of child abuse (cant comment on that i am too enraged even to think they could even think that Anyone felt the same or similair?

What you need to do right now is find yourself a good parent support group

I'm not a parent- just someone who turned out well- so feel free not to take my advice. The parent support group might be a good idea along wit the family counseling it might help him to better articulate his feelings more subtly (he might have just been upset with his brother right then). As far as what the experts say just remember that a lot of their kowledge is second and third hand. I'm glad to hear that you're trying to relate to him-keep doing that. Also feel free to ask him why he does some things if you feel that they might lead to something that could turn out to have some other meaning but don't push him if he says 'I don't know' because that could just ake it worse.

Sounds like you got yourself a doom and gloom mental health care person who want to blame the parents for everything.

I would find out if there is a way to get a second opinion with someone who is not affiliated with this guy...

I ended up with one of those during a evaluation, fortunately I already had 3 doctors who work well with my son call and complain to her manager.

Thanks to all submitted a reply - ghetto princess you may not be a parent but its great to hear your view

Chatting to my son about his day, i also asked him why he built camps at school, cut along story short, he said he did it for fun (like i previously stated) i kind of asked him whether he buillt them to protect himself from terrorist he just smiled and said i say things to people to get a response that i wanted (he does maniuplation in a very very clever adult way) which i think is kind of dangerous for him and to other due to accusations - does anyone else experience this either parents or AS person.

oops, posted twice (see below)

My impression reading your post, honestly, is that the professionals are over-reaching. AS kids do tend to have a lot of anxiety, but it's more a part of who they are and the struggle to get along in a confusing world than it is anything specific or serious. Chances are the professionals didn't accept your son's first answer and so he got more creative so they would stop asking.

I would get a second opinion.

I honestly doubt you've missed anything. Parental instincts, when a parent is paying attention, tend to be very accurate. When the professionals tell you something you didn't know but that is right, it should FEEL right to you. YOU are the one who has been living with this child, not the professional.

And separation issues? A family that is TOO close???? BALONEY. Um, IMHO. Not possible. How can a "close" family be anything but GOOD? AS kids do often have separation issues, but it's for various reasons innate to the AS. First, they are usually behind the curve maturity wise, and so they are going to act the same as a younger child. And younger children, gee, have separation issues. Plus the world is more confusing for AS children, so they are going to cling harder to the adults that understand them. It's like being the life vest to a child who is supposed to know how to swim but actually does not. That life vest is NEEDED, IMHO. Why would someone try to strip it away? Finally, AS kids like what they know, and what they know better than anything is family.

Basically, either you've understood them wrong or I don't agree with what they've told you.

As for family counseling ... that, by itself, is not a bad thing. We did family counseling for a year to humor my son's preschool, and we actally got a lot out of it. Including the validation that we were doing great and that it was the preschool who was misshandling our son. Most families aren't without issues somewhere, and it was good to work through those, even if the problems were NOT the ones the preschool thought we had. Assuming you do the counseling with someone OTHER than those suggesting it, it really is a "can't hurt and may help" kind of thing.

The fact that your son was making up stories to tell the psych doesnt surprise me. If somebody is bothering me, asking pointless questions then I will gladly give them pointless answers. Sometimes this is referred to as dry humor. If you want an example you should watch anything with monty python. Basically the idea is to come up with something as absurd as possible because the shear ridiculousness is hilarious. For some reason, this dry humor is very popular with aspies.

The problem can occur if people take your ridiculous answers and assume that your telling the truth, or dont realize your joking. I have this problem often. It is probably because I dont deliver the line correctly. I am sure there is some tone of voice, or something else which is an indication that I am joking, but I can never get it to work out. I often answer a question jokingly and everybody stares at me like I am crazy. I constantly have to tell people that I am joking and not going mad.

As for a family being too close, I could see that. There are times when I need to be alone, and do not wish to be bothered. If my parents were constantly bothering me to do family activities without any breaks then I would have been quickly overloaded. Down time isnt wasted time if it serves a vital purpose. As long as you dont force your son into social activities then I dont think that you are too close.

As for him having anxiety, I hate to say it but thats part of having AS. Its somewhat hard to explain this to somebody who doesnt have AS because it is something you need to experience in order to understand. Basically this world is full of round holes and he is a square peg. He knows that he is different and there isnt anything that can be done about it.

Overall, I wouldnt put much faith in psychologist or other 'experts'. A college degree may be nice and shiny, but it doesnt compare to the 11 years of first hand experience that you have. Use them if they have useful information, but if they are only there to create problems then dont give them a second thought.

Yep. I agree with what everyone else has said.

In relation to the camps against war or terrorism - a few weeks ago I overheard my son and other older children (about 11 or 12 years old) playing together in the very minimalist soft play area on a ferry. They were playing at being "terrorists". I felt an instinctive sense of shock when I heard this, but then I thought back to my own childhood and children playing at being cops and robbers, cowboys and indians, Nazis and Allies (yes, really!) Our children are growing up in world in which war and terrorism are in the news headlines on a daily basis. Terrorism, in particular, is spoken of frequently in the media, so it is not surprising that children have incorporated these contemporary "good guy, bad guy" scenarios into their play.

Perhaps your son, and possibly other children, have realised that the mental health worker hasn't got past the instinctive shock of hearing the words war and terrorism associated with children's imaginative play, and are winding her up about it. Or maybe he or she is so incompetent as not to realise the real significance of what your son is doing.