Accidents

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My 10-year old aspie son has begun having bathroom accidents and vomiting when he's frustrated/upset. It's so difficult to deal with the meltdowns and now this. I'm so frustrated, I need to rant and rage. Before anyone suggests that there's something physically wrong, let me assure you that he's well. This began in the fall with chronic diarreah and vomiting that eventually led to a GI specialist and a colonoscopy. To make a long story short, the cause was acid reflux and an enzyme deficiency for which he is now being treated. No more diarreah. But he has learned that accidents will get him out of school. As a mother my immediate response is worry that he'll be humiliated, but he seems not to be bothered by any shame or embarassment.

These past two years have been EXTREMELY difficult to deal with bullies and now a difficult teacher that have led to school avoidance. We're all stressed and doing everything we can to alleviate it (therapy, behavior analyst, school assistance, etc). Previously his history has been anxiety, withdrawl, social akwardness, sensory issues, and compulsive lying so the accidents are an entirely new deal. Is this common among aspies/aussies?

Any experience/advice is appreciated. Thanks.

I know an aussie who admits to being a major BSer, but that's another story.

What does his doctor suggest?

Strictly unscientific, I am under the impression that AS kids will either lie consistently, or never. Most don't lie unless they reach a conclusion that the world lies to them, and they have no choice but to lie back. You also have to remember to AS see language differently, and see if very precisely, so saying "yes I washed my hands" when they were washed last week is not a lie. Be careful to look at the conversations with your child to see if that precision has been honored. When it is not, you are more likely (just an impression) to have a child recede into the idea that the whole world just lies, all the time.

As for the accidents, I have to think that he is crying out for help. He can't handle school. He doesn't just hate it, he can't handle it. Think about it, how extreme what he is doing is. He certainly isn't enjoying it, even if he is doing it on purpose. What to do, I don't know. I can understand you probably feel pulled here, between giving "in" to bad behavior, and giving him what he seems to be crying out that he needs. You'll have to think long, hard and introspectively about that, listening carefully to what your parental instinct tells you, and NOT what you THINK you have to do. We can't answer that for you, I wish we could.

I hope it all resolves well, for all of you, but I know getting there is going to be hard.

Aussie, as in Australian? Did you mean "autie", by any chance?

I meant aussie. The original post says aussie.

<rant> I'm overwhelmed.

In one year, my child has gone from teacher's dream child, highly sensitive, somewhat anxious, compassionate introvert with sensory issues to a highly anxious, ocd, aggressive, compulsive liar being bullied by peers and provoked into panic attacks by an unsensitive teachers. Since his dx (last summer), we've had to rethink our whole world around him. Don't get me wrong--he is a joy and a blessing, but we're so confused and frustrated. Are we overreacting or underprepared? Too much or not enough? I seem to have an appointment with a therapist, a psychiatrist, a behavior analyst, a teacher, or a principal every day and we're getting nowhere. I have used up all my sick and vacation time and we never know when it's a false alarm. He seems to be progressing from mild AS to full-blown. And he doesn't even know the symptoms of his dx. Does puberty cause more issues? He's only ten and he's extremely immature and physically small, so he seems like a 7 or 8 year old. In fact, we held him back more for immaturity and anxiety issues than academic, but now he's struggling academically, too. He's not bored, he's lost. He's distracted. He's in another world and it seems hostile. I could cry. I could scream. This is simply not fair. </rant>

Sorry. Thanks for listening.

Wow. I think DW is right. Your son isn't able to cope right now.

One of the problems I had at his age was I couldn't even tell what the problem was. I knew I was overwhelmed, but my mechanism was shutting down, and becoming mute.

I'm not sure what would help. Have you talked to your son? Is he able to verbalize what he's feeling at least partially?

In your situation, i would be tempted to just STOP. Pull him out of school for a week, and let him calm down, maybe catch up to his feelings if he can. From what I read, it seems like he is doing the only thing he knows how to do.

Good luck with your little guy. I hope he starts feeling better and more confident in himself soon.

Oh my goodness, that just breaks my heart! How awful for your son (and for you)!

I agree with the above poster, my instinct would be to get him the h*ll out of there. Can you pull him out of school for awhile? Can you afford to consider homeschooling? It seems that his school situation is completely unsuitable for him and he is overwhelmed. What does the school say about the bullying, "insensitive teacher" ( ) and how miserable your son is?

Right before we got my son dxed last year (Aspergers, ADHD and GAD) we were having problems with school avoidance and "faking" sick. Luckily I am a SAHM, so it wasn't so stressful with missed work, but we were very frustrated and worried, and it was a fight every morning. I felt horrible when I forced him to go to school and guilty when I let him stay home. It was something I read on these boards (yay WP!) that clued me in to the fact that the problem wasn't actually with my son, but with his school environment. He wasn't trying to be deceptive, lazy, manipulative etc. he was completely overloaded with stress, and trying any way possible to get some relief. With the dx in hand we were able to go into the school and ask for some changes in his environment there (and the attitude of the teachers completely changed towards him with the dx...suddenly he wasn't this problem child, he was a kid with a problem that they needed to help, and this I think, improved school for him more than anything). Anyway, some quite small changes (more time allowed on tests, a quiet space for him to go etc.) and a lot more understanding, and suddenly he felt well and went willingly off to school in the morning again. I'm not saying that it will be that simple for your son as well, but just that I don't really think there is such a thing as "faking" sick for some kids. If your son is desperate to stay home from school, there is a big problem...but not with him, with the school's ability/willingness to meet his needs.

I hope your son feels better soon.

i just wanted to say that i'm sorry things are so tough right now....i'm wondering if the apparent worsening/regression is due in part to the therapies he's getting? My son seems to have setbacks before he makes improvements....and I know that's common with some aspects of OT, like audiotherapy.....is there someone at the school working with him on social interactions?

I'm hoping that things smooth out for your son, and if they don't i hope you find a solution that works for all of you. Just keep your homelife as regular as possible so he feels like he has some 'safe' space, and take care of yourself too so that it's easier to handle the stress.

I think this says it all. This is where your problem is. While he is possibly also going through hormonal changes that are tough by themselves, THIS is what has him over the edge, in my best educated guess. And, to be blunt, the only way to resolve the issue is going to be to free him of the environment.

My son had issues with preschool, and we stuck it out, and I've never stopped regretting it. Eventually we did some counseling, and something the counselor said applies to your situation. Once a child has experienced extreme stress in a situation, they can't separate the situation from the stress. Even if the issues can be resolved, just walking into that location, with all those memories, is a stress factor. And I saw that clearly with my son. He associated the preschool with stress, and nothing was going to change that.

So the timing is bad and you have to work and it's difficult to see that you have any choices at all but you NEED to find them. He needs to leave that school. Either homeschool, or a new school where he won't be bullied and where teachers will be more understanding. It can be very, very tough to turn a sharp right in the middle of a highway, oh how I know that, but if you don't, you will pay more in the long run, and it won't be worth it. PLEASE give it some serious thought.

And rant all you want to. This place is here for that. Many here have been there, done that. We all resolve these things in our own way, in the end, but we're here for each other.

Thanks all, for your understanding and advice.

To make a long story short, Jake was bullied by peers last year at public school. We've moved him to a parochial school this year and this is where we encountered the rigid, inflexible, uncompassionate 3rd grade teacher. The school has been working with us but the teacher is a different story--she does have to answer to the school for her actions, but that's neither here nor there. I have a call into the count spec ed district, but if placing him back in the public school to receive services is our only option, we don't feel it's safe to do so.

Unfortunately, my husband and I don't see a way for me to stay home with him. He's self-employed, so my benefits and my regular paycheck are necessary. I did pull Jake out of school for 2 weeks at a crucial point last month, but he can't miss much more (and btw, during which, I understood the teacher's frustration, but that's no excuse). And we don't expect such difficulty in the future from the parochial school 4th grade teacher, who we know and who is great with Jake.

Jake is able to communicate, but often misunderstands written and verbal communication and overreacts. Everything is a 'rule' or a 'promise.' He has NVLD and a processing disorder. He also struggles with high anxiety and depression despite meds/therapy. We understand his distraction and his behavior are caused by his anxiety.