Advice on my sons SENCO please

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My 11 year old son is 7 months into his new secondary school which happens to be in a different borough to ours. The original diagnosis was done a year ago. The SENCO at his new school contacted us about 5 months ago saying that she didn't think the diagnosis was good enough and there wasn't anything the school could do to help until we had recieved a 20 page dossier on him and his needs at school- something that the borough that the school is in seem to do. Since then I have been trying to get further information from the Paediatrician who made the original diagnosis and he is now thoroughly annoyed with us as he says that the school should get a Educational psychologist and that his diagnosis is sufficient. I recently contacted an AS support group who have seen the diagnosis and they tell me that the diagnosis is fine and although shorter than some should be enough for the school to now take action.
I am really angry as until now they haven't cut him any slack or helped him at all. And in fact the SENCO also takes him for another subject and has given him more detentions than anyone else when he forgets his books or homework.
When we went for a meeting with her recently she mentioned the mother of another AS child and said that she was like a "model mother, like the Gestapo" and that the child never forgot his books. We are not like that as we are encouraging him to become independent but feel that she is being unpleasant to us as she has until now felt that we are being negligent by not doing everything for our son.
I need her on our side but feel that she has created a barrier by treating us as if we are not good enough parents. I wondered if anyone else had had similar experiences or advice.
Thank you

This is very sad.

My mother and father listened to their gut time after time and took me out of programs that were damaging. Of course, many at the time were saying they were raising a brat.

They were right. I was Dxed later and they knew that punishing me for not being able to eat meat, for instance, was wrong. It is like the way they used to forced left handers to write with right hands. Only worse.

Stick with your instincts. I am outraged to say that often my dad had to play the heavy because I Like to think we are all equal and my mom was just as effective, but my dad plays the great heavy and it helped!

If youknow your child needs something stand your ground and get support. COngressmen can help (or other elected official) and others in positions. Get help on your side.

This part I can relate to. This was our experience with the preschool director at my son's school. And, honestly, it's a can't win situation. Once someone has a thought like that stuck in their heads, I don't think they really listen to you anymore. AND it nags at your confidence, which makes your parenting WORSE. We ended up doing family counseling at this director's "request," (basically her condition for not expelling him) and the counselor's conclusion was probably the most positive news I've ever had: "There isn't anything wrong with any of you. Everything he has done is a normal reaction to the stresses he has been exposed to. With the preschool being a cause of some of that stress, he natually reacts against it." Well, it was like a giant cloud left my world, and I could function again. We can't spend our lives second guessing ourselves - it helps no one.

So, what to do? That is more difficult, obviously. I don't know what your options are for finding a different placement. But do all you can to get one. Every child - every family - should and CAN be in a situation that is positive for everyone. Don't give up. FIND it.

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PS - How old is your son? I'm just curious. My son is in 6th grade and he had so much trouble with organization at the start of the year that I took it over, to the extent possible. I find that having me always over his shoulder is actually pushing him to do better - he doesn't really like it that I'm on it all the time. But we've also discussed that I truly believe too much is expected of him. There is a very interesting book out, "The Trouble with Boys," by Peg Tyre, that discusses how schools are asking things the boys - even NT boys - are not developmentally ready to do, and how this is harming them. Well, once I read that, and I saw how harsh the school was, I realized that I couldn't allow my son to take all those falls. He is really bright and he WILL get there, he justs to be able to do it on his own schedule. The key is that nothing I do is supposed to be taken for granted; we have discussed what I expect him to take over and roughly when. When I see him yearning for independence, I LET GO, even if it means some failures on his part. But all of this is very individual, and NO one teacher should be deciding for you when those marks are met, or judging you negatively for having a different opinion. You can't work with someone like that; there needs to be TRUST from her.