my husband doesnt think our son needs ...

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My Husband doesnt think our son needs any special treatment. He doesnt agree with the AS diagnoses (which we just got March 1st 2006). He thinks Hunter just needs to decide that he wants to get his school work done and do it! Husband also says if this were 20 years ago our son would just have to learn to deal with it. This is so frustrating... Ive read 4 books and underlined things I think my husband should read and he is too busy (he is a workaholic) he has read a few things. Just a little back ground. My son doesnt have meltdowns, he wanders around the class room and tends to zone out. He has alot of sensory issues. He is failing math, science, reading, and language (even though he is very intelligent)...He is 11 yrs old in the 5th grade. Please no flaming the husband LOL, im looking for suggestions or help thanks

Sadly, your husband is mostly right - if this were 20 years ago your son would just have to learn how to deal with it. And there are many people on here who can tell you how hard, sometimes devastating, that was for them.

I would use that as a jumping off point with your husband. What parent doesn't want better for their kids than they had? Let him know how lucky your son is to be dx'd in a time when there is so much awareness (although still a long way to go) about AS and ASD's in general.

You certainly need to work with the school on his IEP, and get to the root of his problems with doing work. He will have to cooperate and do enough work to reflect his learning. Perhaps the room is too loud or too bright? His "zoning out" may just be his way of compensating for all that sensory input his brain can't handle. A smaller class, a study carrell around his desk, ear phones, you have to narrow down what's preventing his focus then find what works to get him on point. The same thing at home. Some folks use rewards systems successfuly also - a sticker or a piece of hard candy for each page completed, or maybe each problem at first.

It may take some time to get dad on board, but meanwhile you can't wait for that ship to sail - you have to work with your son and the school to get him in the right direction now. Leave the books around for dad, tuck one in his briefcase, he may be going through his own stages of grief, and denial right now. It was hard for my husband to accept, and my husband is an aspie.

My son is the same age/grade, btw.

Hope this helps.

My husband doesn't understand AS either - but he freely admits that and he is as NT as you can imagine. I don't really know HOW you can get him to understand if he is blocking this out - it may be that he is in denial. Also, maybe he has read some of the info out there that protrays AS or ASDs in a negative light. Have you also considered the possibility that maybe your husband (being a workaholic) sees some of the AS in himself and doesn't want to deal with that? I think it can work both ways - with a parent being intuitive to their child's needs if they have AS themselves or a parent blocking it out if they just had to "deal with things" as a kid and see AS as being a weakness to overcome not a neurological condition. Of course if your husband had a wonderful time in school than it just may be that he can not relate.

Either way - I would emphasize that you are not trying to "label" your son as opposed to trying to do what you can to help him be successful in school. Why struggle with things when an alternative can be found or accomodations made - it is not the same as giving someone a free pass.

bigbear~

Hang in there! My husband was the same way...in denial...but long before we'd even gotten any kind of dx for our son. Our son's Developmental Kindergarten teacher was the first person to recognize AS in him but working with special needs children is her area of expertise. I knew when our son was a baby there was something different about him, I just wasn't sure what. He didn't like to be held or rocked and the only way we could get him to take a nap was in this little wind-up swing with a blanket over his head. As he got older the differences became more prevelant. I think my husband just wasn't around our son as much as I was so it was harder for him to see. I was a stay at home mom so I was with him by myself the majority of the time which is probably why it was more obvious to me. Our son never went to daycare or preschool. By the time our son was three, I was in depression and needed some help myself. Finally, under the advice of a family friend and our family practitioner, I got a job outside the home.

My husband and I worked opposite shifts so that one of us was always home with our sons. I worked full-time from 7pm-3am in our local hospital's critical care unit and he worked as a supervisor in the hospital's lab from 7am-3pm or so. By the time he was getting home and I was leaving for work, our son was in his worst part of the day behavior wise. I had worked for a total of 2 months when my husband was asking me to quit my job to come back home full-time. He was finally ready to admit there was a problem with our youngest son that was beyond us. So, in our case, it took a change in our routine for my husband to see and admit there was a problem. Once more of the responsibility for our son's care was on him, all by himself, he was forced to admit something was definitely going on.

We began the process of trying to find out what was going on with our son when he was almost 4 yrs. old. We got the AS dx when he was almost 6 yrs. old. By then, my husband didn't care what they called it ("They can call it Purple Cow Syndrome for all I care...as long as we know how to help him better!", he said), just so long as we knew what our son was dealing with and how we could best help him.

You've gotten some great advice. Our son's Dev. K teacher told me once that it's always harder for Dad's to admit when there's a problem with their child. They take it so personally; as if it were something they could've prevented or something they are responsible for. She ought to know, she's had lots of experience dealing with the parents of special needs children.

Continue focusing on helping your son and pray for your husband's eyes to be opened to the truth of the situation. Your son's AS is not going away...the prognosis is lifelong...so, eventually, something will happen that will force your husband to be honest about what's going on.

You know, as hard as it is for the parents and teachers trying to raise and teach children with AS, imagine how much harder it is for those little ones and grown people living with AS. It must be like being a stranger in a strange land...I can't imagine. God bless 'em!

God bless you guys!

My husband was also in denial for the longest time. He couldn't understand why our son wasn't athletic and all of the other things he was in school. I was always put in the middle somehow, defending my son and alienating my husband. The school counselor had to write a letter to my son's psychiatrist at one point and she stated that my son hated free time, recess, and gym due to the fact that he felt sad that he always let his team down because of his lack of athletic ability. She also addressed many other issues that my son was dealing with at school. After reading that letter, my husband became one of my son's biggest advocates.

Yup - it was the same for us.

A diagnosis like this one makes us look at ourselves and say, "Wow - I did that too when I was a kid and they're saying it's not usual! uh-oh!"

I think it takes longer for dads and male relatives generally. I think that they are more accepting of difference in some ways and do not bat an eyelid at some of the behaviours.

This is what your husband hears when he is told "you're son has aspergers"

"you're a failure as a father"
"you're son is mentally disabled"
"you're son will never amount to anything"
"This is all your fault"

All the women talking to the guy wont make a bit of difference.

What he needs to...
1) see successful adults with aspergers especially ones with decent jobs
2) know aspergers is not classical autism and that his son can have a rich fufilling life if he gets support
and help
3) know the difference for his son between working hard versus working smart
4) to know its not his fault

He is right one respect, Aspergers should be a challenge to overcome not a limitation.

One demonstration you can do is turn off your husbands computer "Twenty years ago you
wouldnt have had the internet and you would just have to learn to deal with it. We dont live
in 1986 and our son shouldnt have to either"


Another thing that might help would be to find another father of a son with aspergers to
talk to him about it especially a father with a son whos perhaps in college

My advice, is to continue doing what you're doing. Dad'll eventually realize that the diagnosis is a help.

In my case, my wife and I both recognized that our son (who is now 7) was not like his older brothers from an early age, but his behavior was not any kind of problem. We just figured he was the sweet, quiet, calm blessing we earned by acquiring good karma after dealing with his NT older siblings.

His preschool teacher is the one who prompted us to seek a diagnosis, and although I was initially not supportive ("why don't they just give him an "A" tattoo for his forehead?") I realize now that this isn't like any other kind of disorder in which the diagnosis will direct a person to "a cure", but that knowing was important for other reasons. His school is quite good about creating accomodations for him and developing a curriculum that teaches him the skills that he most needs.

I suggest two things for dad;
1) get in touch with the local chapter of the fathers network http://www.fathersnetwork.org/
2) become involved with the school district.

In my case, job changes dictated that I become the stay at home parent, and I'm very grateful for that opportunity.

One last thing - thanks to the responders in this thread for not flaming dad - we all do what we can.

My sister is a special education teacher. She says that sometimes parents deny a problem because they can't handle it emotionally. A father doesn't want to think anything could be "wrong" with his son because he has so much invested emotionally. If the son is "defective" he feels cheated, helpless, to blame ... (fill in the blanks). He may be grieving the "loss" of the "perfect child" he dreamed of when the baby was born, and all the "future losses" you get with a child who has any kind of disability. Just giving him information isn't enough. He might need help with coping. Would he be willing to attend a couple of family counseling sessions with you? If not, print a copy of this note, and pin it to his underwear.

wow..I am going through the same thing with my 11 year old , my parents just say that he's just going through his boy phases...omg..it is so frustrating..they act like I made up Asperger's or its bull..hes fine they say...yes, he's fine..i know that..of course : you cant brush his hair without him squirming and acting like you're killing him., he doesnt make friends, well, I can go on and on...but of course anyone with aan AS child knows where I'm coming from. his father ( who is a professor at a university ) thinks of him as a science project..he's always pointing out the obvious Asperger traits ( even the way his clothes hangs off him ) he is the other terrible extreme...the one that wants to use Asperger as the only reason for daniel to do anything..he even thinks daniel will only be capable of being a dental technician ( not anything against dental techs ) he just puts all these limits on the kid. as for everyone else...some think he's just plain strange..I try to embrace the strangeness within him...I think its better..kinda. but I feel your frustration..my husband just thinks "daniel is strange " yes..he is .. but he's my strange kid...so everybody back off ! !

Yep I agree. I had to take it into my own hands and do what was best for our son. I think my husband felt like a failure as a dad. I had to somewhat guilt him into reading books. Also I showed him successful Aspies that he hadn't known about and he got more interested. Now he is an active participant and has changed his approach.

We also home school. My son has found kids around his age who he gets to play in a band with but only on Saturdays. Once a week he takes guitar lessons but during the week, even though he does an online music review for a blog and other computer activies, I wish he had friends in our community.

As an Aspie growing up, I didn't have many friends and was alone alot. I don't want him to feel the way I felt. I am always looking for activities that I know he will enjoy and involve him in some sort of social environment. He's going to a musician day camp for a week next month and is excited. The last time we sent him to a day camp 3 years ago, although not music, it was awful for him. He's come a long way and I have faith he'll be able to handle this.

Patiience and consistancy go a very long way. I know everything will be well because concerned parents do just what we are doing, looking for advice and resources to assist our family.

Once I morned the son I dreamed up in my head and embraced the one I have (although it was a struggle at first), I see nothing but blue skys.

When I was pregnant with Nica, my husband had disturbing nightmares that she was born deformed. Nica's problems touch upon deep fears and insecurities for him. It's funny, because he and I are both Aspie in different ways (undiagnosed - but that may change soon!) but it is so painful for him to be introspective. I see knowledge as power, and I will do whatever I need to for Nica, and try to let my husband catch up in his own way and time.

My husband noticed that our son was "different" and came up with the Asperger dx all by himself (with the help of a radio program). I didn't care if he was labelled or not because we home schooled him and I felt that I had a good grip on giving him what he needed. Also, the old "he's just like I was when I was a child, and I turned out okay!" line came from my lips more than a few times. The difference became more pronounced the older our son became. It became clear that he needed the challenges and "socialization" that institutional school could provide. He has done well but he is no genius. I do worry that he'll be working for that same school on the custodial staff one day. I feel that he could achieve more if only he could stop perseverating on meaningless things. I don't know if he'll grow past some of these problems. He is a very nice kid and is well-liked but has only a few friends and they can only tolerate him for about an hour. He is very rigid and unimaginative. Kids just can't relate to him. I don't think that things would be any different had we labelled him sooner. As a parent, as well as a perfectionist and overachiever, I want greater things for him. I'm not sure if I want that because I feel that he can achieve more or if it's because I just expect my kids to achieve more.
Oh, interestingly enough, my husband is in denial about two of our other children who are more like him. They are borderline ADHD, impulsive, prone to emotional outbursts, very aggressive, loud and disruptive and he says they are just like he was when he was a child and he turned out okay!?? (whatever! )