17 and won't leave his room.

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I have hesitated to post a response on this subject. Simply put, there is too many possible causes here, and giving you advice requires me to assume what the situation is. If I assume correctly, then my advice will be good (or at least its the best advice I can give). If I assume incorrectly, then my advice will be horribly bad. I have seen several topics similar to this one before that basically say 'help, my son isnt doing well, and spends all his time slacking off'. And it seems that each time I give different advice because I have guessed a different cause to the problem. Upon reflection, I realize that I may have been doing more harm then help with my previous advice if I didnt get the situation right. So, this time, I am going to try and cover all my basis by exploring multiple causes, and my suggestions based upon that cause. Please review the list and see which suggestion would fit your situation best. Keep in mind that there could be multiple causes, adding up to this current problem. Its not all one or the other. Furthermore, I may not be able to guess what the problem is at all, thus none of my advice will be useful. All I can tell you is that this is the best advice I can give, hopefully you find it helpful.

1. This may be caused by unrealistic expectations on your part of his emotional stability. (Don't worry, it happens to the best of us)

It is a common trait among people to focus on fixing perceived problems rather then focusing on why they exist. Once you start seeing your child as a condition, you focus only on whats going wrong. Your previous comment of 'Parenting a child with Asperger's is hell' seems to indicate that you are at least partially in this mindset. I can't blame you for thinking this based upon your situation, but you have to realize that if you focus only on stopping unwanted behavior without thinking what is causing this behavior your going to wind up causing unnecessary problems and make the situation worse.

I spent all my free time after school, and also summer vacations playing on the computer. This was mainly because it was a great way for me to cope and handle all the problems that this world brings. I didnt go out with friends, I didnt date, and I didnt do much else besides play on the computer. Since I didnt do much, I didnt spend a lot of money, and thus just mowing my neighbors yards and shoveling their snow was more then enough funds for me. I did well in school and averaged a 3.7 GPA in both high school and college, and due to my proper budgeting I never had to borrow money, or go without the things I needed. I graduated, got a job, and now live on my own. Yet despite doing fine, my mother was convinced I was the most horrible person on the planet because I was too lazy to do things like get a proper job, or play sports, or do other socially acceptable activities. She nagged me constantly about not doing things right and not acting in a normal way. My mother wound up doing much more harm to me then she realized and her constant nagging to do unnecessary things would have been horrible for me if I actually complied. I can't imagine that I would have succeeded working at a fast food restaurant or other jobs that an average high school student could get. That would have just been a breakdown waiting to happen.

Now I'm not saying that your that bad, but you may be expecting far more then your son can do. There was no way at age 17 I would have been able to handle a job, even part time. Just doing my required time in school was hard enough for me that I had to come home and unwind all afternoon and evenings. All I had to do for school was just show up and listen. Trying to work at a job which requires a lot more then that wouldnt have turned out well for me. If your son has had a harder time with school then I did (which seems to be the case) then trying to get him to go back would probably be the worst possible thing you could do. If somebody was working manual labor, and broke their leg, they wouldnt be able to continue standing all day. At that point it would be wise to transfer them to another post where they could sit down. Increasing their workload under the reasoning that working harder will make them stronger will only make the situation worse and result in further injuries. Likewise, if your son is incapable of handling a day at school, or work then forcing him to do it will only make things worse. Most likely your son knows this all to well after suffering at school for so many years. Its not surprising that he resists attempts to send him back because from his perspective that would be like asking him to resume being tortured.

If this is the scenario, then your best course of action would be for you and him to sit down and work out a long term plan. Start by apologizing for the constant nagging, and saying that you are not going to force anything on him. Just make it clear that you cannot continue to do everything for him for the rest of his life, and that he will need to assume more responsibility eventually. Let him know that its not important whether or not he gets a fancy job, the important thing is that he enjoys his life, and doesnt rely on other people to do his work for him. He needs to be able to pull his fair share. Tell him that you arent in any rush, and if he needs a few years to learn what he needs to learn, you will be patient. But he has to at least put forth an effort and show that he is attempting to make progress. Even if things come slowly, it is important that he at least puts forth some effort. Start by setting down reasonable long term goals. These are not immediate requirements, just things to aim for. A good target might be: Living independently in his own apartment. Feeding himself and doing his own shopping. Being able to afford rent, food, other necessities, and having enough spare money to afford internet connection, cable TV, and some extra for computer games. Keep in mind that this shouldn't be a list of things that you want from him, this should be a list of things that he wants for himself. Feel free to make suggestions, but ultimately this is his list for his life, not yours.

Learning the basics of life (doing laundry, cleaning, etc) can be done by getting him to do his own laundry, cook his own meals etc. Shift responsibilities over 1 at a time, and help him work through it with plenty of explanation.

As for affording rent, I dont know about where you live, but here where I am (Texas) just living is very cheap. I could get a 1 bedroom apartment, with enough space to live comfortably, food to eat, utilities paid, and internet with a bit extra for games on 1000/month, or 12k per year. If he needs a car, then maybe 15k/year, otherwise he will need to bum a ride to the market every other week with a friend from the apartments. There are several ways to make 15k/year from home requiring very little human contact. My uncle works as a programmer contractee. Companies in need of programming help call up a contracting company, the contract company then takes the job and gives it to an available contractee that has the expertise needed (Basically acting like a temp agency). After my uncle gets the job, all he does is just get on a web conference with the company (which only requires a web cam and a mic). They explain what it is that they want done, and then write up an agreement. He has to design a piece of software that does XYZ, and if it works, he gets payed 5 grand. He doesnt need to go to work everyday, or talk with anybody except maybe a 1 hour status meeting per week via conference call. He doesnt even need to be in the same states. He makes about 40k per year doing this. It is less then he would make if he actually worked a 9-5 job. But then again the hours are flexible, and he can always turn down a job if he is busy. If your son has any interest in programming this might be something he could do part time and make enough to live on his own. There are of course many other career paths that he might do well in, it really depends on his interests.

Once you have a long term goal in mind, set goals needed to reach the target. For example, he may want to get his diploma from an online high school. Getting a high school diploma through a correspondence course really isnt that hard. From there he can take a class or 2 at the local community college (which I can assure you is MUCH better then high school). Set small reasonable goals that work step by step to the final objective. And then tell him how he can go about achieving these goals. Keep in mind these shouldn't be goals you want done, these should be goals that he wants. If you try to force what you want on him it isnt going to work, this has to be something he wants himself.

You said he is smart, meaning he should be able to do this mentally, the problem is just that he isnt ready emotionally, and your forcing the issue wont help his emotional stability. Keep in mind that he may need some time to unwind and deal with the trauma in his past before he can move forward. You may think that he already had a year off school, how much more time does he need? But if that year has been full of you nagging, police coming and threatening him, and constant harassment from people telling him to shape up and get back to school, then he hasn't had a chance to relax at all.

2. Your son may not truly grasp the seriousness of his actions. If he has called your bluff before and didnt get any serious consequences, then he may not think your threats of impending doom are credible. You said you had the police come over and try the scare tactic. Did they actually hand cuff him and put him in a holding cell, or just talk very scary. Cause if all they did was talk scary then I wouldnt have listened to them either. This also might be a case of an over inflated ego and thinks he is above doing his fair share (narcissism). You may need to show him that his current actions (or lack thereof) really do lead to negative results. Give him the analogy of standing on train tracks. When the train is coming around the corner and it sees you on the tracks, it cant stop in time, and it cant swerve to avoid anything on the tracks. Now if you stand on the tracks and get hit, you can get mad at the train, but it isnt the trains fault. It is on a fixed course and it cannot stop in time. Its your own fault for standing on the tracks despite the ample warnings from the horn and flashing lights. Likewise, if your son continues doing what he does he is going to wind up on the streets and there is nothing you can do about it. If he just goes, uh huh, whatever. It may be time to show him the end result of his actions. Drop him off at a homeless shelter for a few days. It may get him to realize what the end result of his actions will be if he doesnt do anything. Perhaps if you want a less extreme version you could drop him off at a relatives house that doesnt have internet, or cable, or anything. I personally do not think the problem in this case is extreme selfishness, it seems to me his actions are more defensive in nature. The best way to tell would be to leave him alone (dont nag him, bother him, or try to control him) and see how he responds. If he cheers up a bit and relaxes, then its probably just stress that is causing the problems. If he takes this as a sign of weakness and demands more, threatening to attack if you dont give in, then its more likely manipulative behavior.

3. He may not be mentally capable of what you think he is.
This is similar to #1 in that you are overestimating his ability. But different in that the problem isnt his emotional stability, but his mental ability. Executive dysfunction and a host of other learning impairments may make things that you consider easy (like working at a job, or going to school) impossible for him. And if this is the case then all the nagging, and prodding, and talking in the world will not make him do these things. That's like asking a 3 year old to dunk and trying 50 different methods of reward/punishment to get him to do it. You can to reward/punishment all you want, its not going to change what he is capable of. If your son really doesnt have the mental ability to do these things, then you may want to look into getting him disability funding. There is no shame (at least there shouldn't be) in admitting you can't do something and asking for disability. If an iron worker fell and had to get his leg amputated, he could go on disability pay and nobody would question him or think poorly of him. You and your son shouldn't feel bad just because his disability isnt as easy to see. Trying to force him to fit in when he isnt capable of it, no matter how hard he tries helps nobody.

4. He may have something else going on besides asperger's syndrome.
You weren't very clear about his physical aggression. Does he only do it when he is stressed out, or overwhelmed by what he is asked to do? Or is it premeditated, and usually proceeded by a demand? For example 'buy me a new game or else Ill hit you'. If it is premeditates then that isnt due to his autism at all, thats something else entirely and I cant give you any advice on how to deal with that. You also said he fails to see the connection between his actions and his future. Is this because he doesnt understand the relationship (mental inability)? Is it that he thinks your lying/bluffing? Is it because he is overwhelmed by all the demands, and just trying to block out reality? Is it that he has an incoherent thought process more typical of schizophrenia? It is possible that there may be something else going on, and if you just blame everything on autism, then you wont be seeing the full picture.

In the end, make sure you do try talking with him. Your post says that you have tried taking away his computer, talking to professionals, and everything else that you can think of. Does that include actually talking with your son and getting his opinions and input on the matter? I dont mean talk at him and tell him what you want, how things will work. I mean ask his opinion no how he would like things to be done. Offer him suggestions as how to improve his life and talk with him in a constructive way. Treat him with respect as an equal individual, not a child to follow your directions. That may work with a 3 year old, but trying to order a 17 year old around is ineffective even when they are normal, much less when they dont care about social protocol and hierarchy. I realize it is hard to see things from his perspective when you see him as such a big problem, but you have to be the bigger person here.

And lastly, it would be much better for everybody involved if we could talk with your son directly. Ask him to get on this forum and let us hear his side of the story. Perhaps if feels comfortable with it, he could have a discussion with one of us over AIM, and we could get a better idea of the situation, and how to help. While I dont think you are lying intentionally, you may be leaving out key bits of information that would be helpful in resolving this current stand-off between you and your son.

Tracker, you know how much I appreciate your input, and here is the something totally new that you often bring that rest of us didn't think of. We operate here so much on instinct and feeling, hoping for just the right inspiration and hoping we said the right thing about a situation that of course we can't really know from a few words on a message board. I read this and realized, duh, he's 17 computer literate, why wouldn't he want to be invovled in his own solutions? Only Julia and her son will know for sure if that is a good idea, but I think this was an excellent thing to bring up.

Gosh so much I dont know where to begin. Thank you to everyone for all your input. But first I want to clarify a few things in the history of this case.
The violence and agression -
was well over a year ago and was purely a result of (I think) frustration when for example his things (computer) was taken. There was a time when I think jealosy came into it and he would provoke and hurt his sister and the animals. But I have to say that has died down and he only gets into rages now when he is extremely upset by something. But I firmly believe that he is not inherantly aggressive and does not really want to be. This year we have not had so many holes in the walls. But having said that I have backed off him and I feel that if I was to come heavy tomorrow he would deinitely act with agression again. I do feel it is always hanging over me if I push him too far.

School- His attendence at school started to reduce at about the age of 14yrs and he managed to hang in at school until he was about 15yrs stopping completely mid-term and refusing to go back. He was not in school for the following year and then I managed to get up his enthusiasm to go back to school and found him a place in a different school a more open comprehensive school which he went to with almost a mission like attitude because he wanted to be like everyone else and do his final exams. This was last september when he was 17yrs old. this lasted a full 6 weeks and he did not miss a day even going on his bike - even though he found it hard (uphill all the way and he is not very fit). Then it started to become as he says 'effortful' and he started to take the odd day off and then finally one day stopped going completely and refused to ever go back. His response to this is that he really tried. I think he hated everything about it - the noise the, the people, the teachers etc.

Then he started to go to a japanese class on a saturday (some friends were going). but this too has stopped now. There are some flexible courses that he could attend like computer programming and gaming but he wont go.

Friends- He refuses to ever make new friends and he has a few friends that he talks to on the phone or via computer these are boys that he has known since primary school and they are starting to dwindle away as they get on with their lives. So when these few boys dissapear there will be none as he will not be friends with 'strangers'. He says he does not like people.

Coming on Wrong Planet - I have shown him this and tried to encourage him to come on it but he says he hates these type of things. He is a person of few words and when asked something with probably only answer with one word. Usally when I speak to him he just says 'maybe' or 'um' etc.

His future wishes or dreams - Seem to be totally illogical, all he wants is to live in Japan and incessentanly asks me why we cant move there. When I speak to him about his plans of wishes or anything he says 'I don't know'. He doesnt seem to be able to see the future at all. I have sat down with him to try and find out what he wants or wishes or hopes for in his life and he just says 'I dont know? I can get nowhere. If for example I said ok you want to go to Japan and made a plan that made that possible as soon as he hears that it can not happen right now and that he may have to work towards it (as it costs alot of money) and he would need to put in some effort over a loong period of time he says that is too 'effortful'. Even if I said in one year that is too far for him to visualise as a reality.

Other problems - I dont know if he has other problems or emotional problems it is so hard to get through to him. He talks such rubbish alot of the time mostly when he speaks he talks in scenarios such as 'What if..... and usually presents the most ridiculous situations . I am so sick of the word 'IF' . I really dont understand his need to get peoples responses to these purely ridiculous and hypothetical situations. Even when I answer he will take it into another hypotehtical scenario and it goes on and on. and he does this too with the few friends he has.

My expectations - I dont know if I have unrealistic expectations with regard to him emotionally but I do know that I understand completely that he would definitely not be able at this point in time to go out to work. For me it would be like sending my 7yr old out to work. His brother was 14yr when he started to work (saturday job) but there is no way that he would be able to.

Fears- He is afraid of alot of things - like getting hurt, this is why he stopped cycling because the traffic scared him, so he would ride on the pavement and then people would shout at him. He says that he never wants to learn to drive as he is too afraid. He will not go on a bus or train because the people are too scary and he is afriad someone may speak to him. He wont go into a shop on his own )well he has a few times but only when he wanted to get a game.

Independence - I have got him to the stage where he will get his own food (other than main dinner which I cook). He will use the microware and toaster or make himself a sandwich. He will hoover his own room and of course showers but he still insists on me doing alot of things for him. I am the only one who is allowed to touch him. Sometimes I can get him to come to the supermarket with me to help me carry things. But that is it and mainly for weeks on end he sits in his room talking to noone. He also likes staying up late and would basically sleep all day and stay up all night if I let him. Everyday it is a struggle to get him up and not let his time closck slip back.

Finally I have read very carefully everything you have all written and special thanks to Tracker I really really appreciate all you have said I will read again a few more times. I know I have not addressed everything you wrote but I dont want to send too long a reply back to the forum. You seem to have a very good insight into all this, I would love someone like you to talk to my son if only that was possible. I will say it again to him but I dont have much hope. Also like I said he will not speak much ( he is able to but just wont). His older brother has tired so hard over the past few years to help him and get him on a good track but no luck and it is so dissapointing for him (my oldest son). I feel sad for both his older borther and his younger sister they love him so much and they miss him so much. His sister would love to be able to get more fun out of him like she use to but now he is always criticising her and provoking her. I think he is very very jealous any attention I give her.

Again so much thanks to you all I am overwhelmed by how much you undersand the situation I am in.

I don't have advice to offer. Will leave that to people better suited, but I wanted to say that the fact your son was willing to go back to school, and to cycle there himself shows amazing courage and determination! Clearly, it was way too much for him to handle, but the fact that he tried and managed to stick it out for 6 weeks is incredible. I really hope he got lots of praise and recognition for what must have been a mammoth effort on his part.

It seems that he was taking on too much, and so of course, ended up "failing". It would be great if you could somehow set him up for some successes, so he can get a chance to feel competent. He may be more and more willing to put effort in, once he can see that the results are good. (how to do this, I don't know)

And re: the fears, he seems to have a lot of anxiety (which makes retreating to his room, make perfect sense). You haven't mentioned any meds? Is he currently or has he been treated for anxiety?

Yes he has been on medication for about a year and half when he was 15 to 16 he will be 18 in September. Prozac and Risperidone and neither made any positive difference whatsoever except for bad side effects which were horrible for him so I slowly weaned him off them.

I realize this thread is long and the OP may be long gone, but here is another idea that I'm starting to try with my son (can't tell yet if it is working). Decades ago, I read this book by a psychiatrist called the 50-Minute Hour about several of his patients. Anyway, he describes this one teenager(?) who after dealing with some social trauma (can't remember what) had made up this fantasy land and just wanted to "play" in it all day long away from the real world. This is before the advent of PCs, video games. So to "get to" this kid, the psych guy starts asking him about the fantasy world and playing with him, making suggestions etc. It gets the kid to talk to him, make eye contact. After awhile, the kid starts to get bored with the fantasy world and seems more interested in the real world. The psych guy realizes he's gotten too interested himself in the fantasy world, but the point is that by making it seem every-day ish conversation, the kid started to move on.

Anyone try something like this?

Yes I am still here checking in everyday to get any bits of advice or suggestions. I have been given alot of food for thought and may very valuable insights and advice.
I am open to trying anything - yes your idea of getting into his world is worth a try. I suppose if he wont come out into my world the next logical thing is to go into his world.

The difficulty here is that:
I know really nothing about anime and dont know where to begin.

and there is always the fear that I am just encouraging or feeding this addiction.

Does he have attention issues? I read a few posts back about things being effortful and wondered if it's hard because of focus, or if it's hard because the ability isn't there.

well, do you know the name or type it is? That would help, if its Hentai (anime porn) then that is an issue in it of itself.

He says he just likes all anime a few names of ones he watches are : Claymore, Higurashi no naku doro ni, and Code geass is his favourite at the moment. I have no evidence that he watches anime porno in fact I am sure he doesnt, but I had no idea there was such a thing so I better keep a watch on that.
He downloads from Warez BB or Tehparadox.

Hi,
I have a 10 year old AS son, who would also love to live in Japan and is obsessed by animae and playstation,xbox,wii,pc games. Basically anything that comes from Japan. My 10 year old was recently diagnosed with a comorbid generalized anxiety disorder and is now on meds. He will also try everything to get out of leaving the house, luckily he is still only 10 and I am still able to have some control over the situation at the moment.
I also have a 26 year old nephew never dx'd with anything, so obsessed with Japan, animae and pc's, he lost his fiancee (I cant spell sorry) and his last housing that he was buying and had to move back in with his parents, he now has an asian girlfriend and has turned his obsession into a plan for his future- he is back at school studying internet security ( and getting honours) and plans on eventually moving over to Japan at least for a while. (honestly I cant ever see him leaving home). My 10 year old hero worships my nephew. I'm telling you all of this because I can see an up side and I too worry about the down side.

The other thing to remember is your son is physically 17 and has 17 year old hormones racing threw his body, you are fighting against not just the AS. Most NT 17 year olds spend (in my experience) the majority of their day if they can asleep or locked up in their bedrooms. His bedroom/your house is his safe place. I'm sure he is at least a little social threw the net. He has created a routine predictable environment for himself, even when you and his siblings get angry with him= he knows what to expect, and in the end he is still where it is safe.

I would if I were you, try to find a councillor that will come to your home and work (baby steps) with him and the whole family at home. I would call/ask around about parttime courses in computers and even animae and or gaming design, something he may or may not be interested in,find what he is interested in. Even if they were done on line to start with. This whole prosess might take 12 months. I probably wouldn't even sugest to him leaving the house yet. He is scared! The more you push, the more he will dig his heels in. He needs a friend and he needs to reconnect if he can with the outside real world.

Another thing to remember is he may physically be 17, but neurologically he is younger. Would you expect so much from a perhaps 14 year old? When he is distressed he is probably much younger still.

Your doing a great job and deserve a pat on the back. I'm thinking I to may be where you are in a few years time.

Maybe I might not be able to offer much in the way of advice, but I could try giving you some of my perspective, because it seems I might share a little bit of traits with your son. I don't know if it is accurate to you son or to what extent, because it might turn out to be apples and oranges...

First of all, I too have a very consuming obsession. Mine is about becoming pregnant, but it is some thing that I both would give almost anything to give into, but one that I intensely hate. If anybody who even remotely gave the suggestion that I ought not to give into it, I would become intensely upset, crying horribly and occasionally flying into a rage. I would self-harm (I would bite myself or headbang) to deal with the intense anger or anxiety. These emotions would come suddenly, and be intense. I did not want someone to take away my ability to do this, even if my obsession was irrational to others, because it was not irrational to me. Now what I mean by being irrational, is that I don't make much money, and I am still at home. I have no real interest to do anythng but follow through on my 'obsession,' even college and other interests seem to get put on the wayside. My primary reason for looking for my own place and to a degree having a job is so I can give into my obsession. Otherwise I would end up staying at home, and I would not care as long as I could give into my obsession. It was hard for me to do these things at first, the getting a job and all that, because they were too far into the future for my tastes, and I would get upset at having to do them first because I hated having to put off my obsession. But it's weird, because I hate my obsession, but I can't stand not to give into it.

As for the fear, I experianced that too. I would hate going outside or to places by myself, and I would constsntly ask my parents, "Will this hurt me?" or "Will I get kidnapped?" What was underneith was the fear that I would get taken or die, and I would never see my parents again, or be in their safe midst. It was pervasive, and I would even ask this stuff about questionable foods or tell them everywhere that I was planning to be, just in case I got kidnapped. they thought I was overworrying, but these were real fears to me. So I would end up staying in the house, where it was 'safe.'

In school when I was bout 16, I had some girls in my class treat me horribly. I didn't know what I did to provoke them (though I think I figured it out, but it was years later) and even the teacher would yell at me, because I became depressed after a while because I tried to get the teacher to get them to stop. She would talk to them over and over, but after a while she would get frustrated at me, and would tell me to stop being depressed. I didn't know why I was 'differant,' or what the other girls saw in me that I was annoying, but this was only two years after the Asperger's diagnosis came to the US and years before I was diagnosed. I didn't hate school, but I started to hate those girls. They smelled like female fluids (you'll know what I mean and its not periods) and I hated their evil smell. I would tell my parents about this, but in the end I still went, though it was hard. They would talk about having relations on the bus when we had to go help out at an old folks home as part of our class on health, and I would have to endure them talking about relations, and they asked me if it was ok if they talked about that stuff, though I was afraid to say no. I was glad when that school year was over.

Ok, time for round 2.

From what you post, it seems to me that your son is struggling with a combination of social phobia, sensory problems, and a fear of progress which leads to being emotionally overwhelmed leading finally to apathy. Of course it is somewhat difficult to confirm this without actually interacting with him, but from my limited information it is the best I can guess. These problems are probably being compounded by your attempts at a proactive approach. While I cannot fault you for attempting to remedy a situation that you think has gone wrong, you must realize that your attempts to fix things are likely backfiring, and causing additional difficulties. I shall attempt to advise on each issue individually. Since I like lists, I shall convey my advice in a numbered format:

1. Social phobia
This, simply put, is a fear of other people in an uncontrolled and unregulated setting. For example, getting on buses, going to crowded areas, etc. It isnt so bad when dealing with a few people in a controlled predictable situation (I.E. having a friend over to play games). But attempting to go out and interact with a large number of unknown people is a very frightening and difficult position to be in. Rest assured when I tell you that your son is not alone in this problem. It is common amongst many people with autism, myself included (more so when I was in my teens). It is simply put a fear of the unknown. A person is highly unpredictable, involving multiple people increases the unpredictability exponentially. While people may not seem very threatening to you, that is because you know how to interact properly. When you dont know what the appropriate thing to do is you may act incorrectly and get told off, or scorned, or left out, or mocked by other people (especially other children). And of course when you act weirdly people often treat you differently, and not always in a good way. As such, social phobia is more common in children who have gone to a school setting where they have been outcast, mocked, and ridiculed. My guess is that your son didnt enjoy his time in school primarily for this reason. Please be aware that he isnt making this up, and he really is terrified at the prospect of having to go back to a social minefield situation such as school or work. You may not understand this fear because you have never experienced it yourself, but then again you have never been autistic. It is hard to convey exactly how terrifying it can be to somebody who has no ideal what its like to be scared by something as simple as talking to the buss driver.

It may help you to understand the problem if you read this post: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt97424.html

This may also be combined with a lack of interest in socializing (arguably one of the key criteria for autism). Simply put, neurotypical (average or normal) people are addicted to other humans. Whenever they (NTs) interact with other people, their brain releases chemicals which make them feel good. This is why people get together and waste their time talking about irrelevant matters such as 'man, we sure got a lot of rain last weekend' or 'I see you got a new lawn mower, that working well for you?'. This is also why people prefer to go to stadiums and watch sports instead of sitting in front of their TV and watching the game. Being at home is less expensive, less travel, cheaper (and better) food, and a better, closer view of the action. But yet people are drawn to stadiums and large crowds of other people because simply being around others makes them feel better and enjoy things more. This is also why people will get lonely if they spend too much time by themselves. Loneliness is simply chemical withdrawal symptoms.

Autistic people in general do not have a chemical addiction to other people, or at least a severely diminished affect. When summer vacation came around i would gladly spend all week in my room playing the computer, only to come out for food, bathroom, and mowing my neighbor's lawn once per week. I may have only done things with my friend once a month, but by in large I didnt have much face to face interaction. And I was perfectly happy with this. I wasn't lonely, I really just didnt see a reason to get out and interact with others. That doesnt mean I am misanthropic. I do like playing games with others, and talking to others, but it is because I enjoy playing the game, or I am enjoying the conversation, not because I am trying to get my social fix.

All this to say: Your son may not have any need to interact with others, and combined with his social phobia, its understandable why he would retreat into his room and spend all his time there.

The solution:
Try to avoid getting him into situations where he has to deal with a large amount of people face to face. If you want him to finish school (an realistic goal) then it would probably be best to do this via online courses, instead of the public setting. Likewise, dont try dragging him along to family gatherings, or parties, or shopping malls. He may need to go shopping to buy stuff, but with proper planning, I only go shopping once every 2-3 weeks, and I usually can arrange to go at less crowded times. He is self sufficient enough that you can leave him alone while you go out and do whatever you want to do, you dont need to drag him along.

You may also want to introduce him into some online games which encourage interaction, specifically, MMORPGs. My personal favorite is Final Fantasy 11. I have been playing that game for 4.5 years now, and it has been a great source of friendly interaction with other people. Simply put, most people who come online to play games are just looking to relax and have fun, which makes the environment less tense. Also, the majority of players are nerdy males in late teens or early 20s, which is a more mature, less judgmental group then you commonly experience at school. Simply put, guys are less judgmental then women on average, and the more nerdy guys have probably been picked on, and thus are unlikely to do it themselves. There is also plenty of opportunities to mess up and say the wrong thing without ruining anything. If you offend one person accidentally, you can just black list them (block their messages) and talk with the next person. You cant blacklist your teacher if you accidentally say something offensive. Online games also reduce the pressure of face to face interaction. If you need to take a break you can log off at pretty much any time. Of course you may need to warp out of a dangerous zone, but you can easily be done and offline within 30 seconds. You dont have the opportunity to stop being at school and go back to the safety of your room whenever you want. Simply put, socializing online is a far less tense environment. There is also no tone of voice, or facial expressions, or other problems like that to deal with. Of course Final Fantasy 11 isnt the only MMORPG. Another one which I would suggest would be Eve-Online. World of Warcraft is the most popular game in this area, but the average player age (and thus maturity level) is much lower. If he wants to make a FFXI or Eve-online character, I can join him and show him around for a while.

You may also want to set up a game night. I know that when I was in college, I went out with my brother every Saturday night, and played D+D with him and his friends (who in turn became my friends). D+D is a great game to play, as it is based upon rules, and numbers, but yet still allows you to give your character a bit of flare. If your son is anything like me, he would likely enjoy playing a game of D+D with others. It allows you to express yourself, and play with others in a safe situation, just 4 guys hanging out and playing around a table. Of course the game nights often involved playing Halo, or other such games like that. You may want to talk to one of his friends, and see if he would agree to set up 1 night a week where 3-5 people just get together and play a friendly round of games. That way your son doesnt need to make any new friends himself, he can just go to his friends place, and meet other people there.

If you give your son enough time where he can interact with others in a friendly, non-judgmental environment without forcing him to go out and interact with more people then he can handle then he will slowly overcome his social phobia, or at least manage to deal with it enough that he can do things like go shopping, and ride the buss. He may never enjoy going to large stadiums, but the goal here isnt to make him normal, just help him to deal with crowds enough that he can get through them without having major problems.

2.Sensory problems
These are not made up. When your son says he cant deal with all the noise and lights, he isnt making up excuses. The way an autistic brain is wired is that sights+sounds are naturally amplified, like having a built in loud speaker that you cant turn off. Its like having a migraine all the time. Lights are constantly painfully bright, and sounds are constantly painfully loud. Please dont just brush this off as a minor problem, it is serious.

The solution is fairly simple, get him some sun glasses and ear plugs, and dont think he is crazy for using them. Sun glasses are fairly common, and wont draw any suspicion. And there are plenty of noise reducing earplugs that wont stand out either. Obviously the bright orange ones they use on construction sites might stand out a bit, but there are ear plugs that are skin colored and fit into the bottom of your ear and are thus very hard to see. There are also ear buds built with noise canceling baffles that wouldnt seem out of place.

3.Fear of progress
Simply put, your son is relatively content with the way things are now. He may want to go off and live in japan, but if that requires him to make changes, he is unsure of how those changes will turn out. It is a fear of uncertainty. He knows that previous attempts at change in the past (like going back to school for 6 weeks) have been disastrous, and thus he is afraid that making any more changes will also be disastrous. This is something that he has to change by himself, all the prodding on your behalf wont do anything. What he needs to do is see that change isnt always bad. He needs to experience some change, and be happier/better off as a result. For example, he needs to try playing a new game, and see that he really enjoys playing this new game. He needs to do an activity (like going to game night, or something else), and enjoy it. He needs to see first hand that changing things in his life isnt always bad. Now you may need to start small, for example, a different flavor of drink, or something like that.

I dont mean to sound pessimistic, but you may not be able to convince him to change by yourself. Your previous ideas (like going back to school) have turned out poorly, and as such he may be wary and defensive about changes you suggest. It may be a better idea to route these suggestions through a 3rd party that he trusts, like a friend of his. Have his friend (or somebody he trusts/respects) really talk up and promote the idea. For example, "O man, you really gotta join me for game night, its a lot of fun, and I think your really going to enjoy it. It'll be just me, you, and my brother, and we can play halo, and maybe a game of Risk." And then later on, you can introduce other things this way. Have his friend say "Hey, I saw a website yesterday which teaches all about the basics of programming. I know you really like computers, and it might be something you'd like to try out. You seem like the type of person who could really be good at that, and it might even help you get a job and make some cash."

Here is the website in case your wondering: http://www.programmingbasics.org/ And of course if he is interested you could get him some more books, and then after a while, suggest that he try some classes at the local community college. I'm just guessing that he would be interested in programming, so you may need to try several avenues of interest until you find something he is interested in.

4. Being emotionally overwhelmed
Life isnt easy, especially if your autistic. If you look at things from his perspective, you might realize that he really did try his best, but he just couldnt handle it. When he says things are too 'effortful' he isnt saying that it was mildly difficult and he doesnt feel like it. He is saying that it is exhausting and takes more out of him then he has to give. It would be like you trying to do a marathon every day. You may be able to make it 26 miles on the first day if you spend all day walking and take breaks every few miles, but it wouldnt be something that you can do day after day after day. Your simply not in a good enough shape to do that. Likewise, your son may be able to handle the pressures of school for a while, and then with great determination maybe make it a few weeks, but eventually he is just completely warn out and has nothing left to give. This isnt a lack of will power, this is a lack of what he can handle.

And of course once you have lost all your defenses, it is easy to become overly emotional and start acting based on those emotions. When you start demanding things of him that he cannot do, and threatening him to do those things, it really doesnt help. This only serves to make him too emotional, and thats when you get the breakdowns, and the rages.

The solution:
Make stuff easier. Full time school may not work for him. Part time classes online may be better. Moving off to live in the dorms and go to college full time isnt a great idea. Taking 1 or 2 courses at the community college about a subject that interests him, is a better choice. Also, you may want to give him a safe way to release his emotions. For example, make a rule, nobody except him is allowed to go into his room without his express permission except in case of emergency, like a fire (AND STICK TO THAT RULE!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!). Let him know that if he is feeling overwhelmed, and cannot handle things that he can go back to his room, and stay there, and YOU WILL NOT BOTHER HIM! He has to feel as though he has a safe spot to retreat to when he is having troubles and feeling overwhelmed. He doesnt need to get your permission, he can just go there whenever he is feeling overwhelmed. And dont be surprised or upset when he does this. If your trying to talk to him, and he just says, 'sorry, I cant do this' and walks back to his room then dont be offended, consider it a good thing. He may wind up doing this a lot, especially when you first start, but thats a good thing because it shows that he is proactively preventing meltdowns. You may also want to give him a safe way to release his anger, such as a punching bag, or if your cheep, just some padded boxing gloves and a sturdy wall. Put those in his room, and let him know that if he is feeling angry, he should take it out on the bag.

You may also want to suggest that he try some cognitive behavior therapy, and that you would be happy to help him if he wants to try it. Keep in mind that its fairly simple and you dont need to see a psychiatrist to do it for you. Just read this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_ ... al_therapy
A psychiatrist or psychologist, or whatever may have more practice with this but they are not inherently capable of things that you arent. Please dont get sucked into the trap of thinking that you need to pay a professional to do something that you could easily do yourself.

5. Apathy
Basically, he is stuck, I really dont have much to say here that I didnt cover in points 3 and 4. Just be aware that patience is a virtue. All to often parents, and society at large are so concerned with meeting milestones, and developing on time, and going with the group that they forget everybody develops at their own pace. Trying to rush things faster then they can go will only create problems. To be honest, whether he graduates at age 18, 19, or 20 doesnt really matter that much. Despite what society says, 18 is just a number, its not some magical year where your son must graduate from school or else be doomed for the rest of his life. There is no window that you have to get through before it closes. It sounds like he has gone through a bit of a struggle in his life, and could very well have a case of post-traumatic stress disorder. Just try to take things slowly and work with him.

6. Your being too proactive
While this may be admirable in some situations, you seem to be stressing over rather unimportant things. For example:

It is called a delayed sleep schedule. Most people have their bodies on a clock that is 24 hours long. They naturally fall asleep about the same time every night, and wake up about the same time every morning. Most people with autism have their biological clocks set to about 25-26 hours, myself included. I know that if left alone, I would stay up about 18 hours, and sleep for 8 hours every day. I know because when I dont set my alarm, or pay attention to the time on vacations, this is what happens. Its not a result of me being lazy, its just that my body wont stay in sync with the rotation of the earth. I will naturally stay up 2 hours later, and get up 2 hours later every day.

Also, why does it bother you that he doesnt talk to other people? I know you (I assume you are normal) have an urge to talk to others, but why does it bother you that he doesnt have this same urge? If he prefers to do some online courses at night instead of the day time, then let him. I know that when I went to college I signed up for all evening classes, and generally stayed up till 4 am, then woke up at noon the next day. This bothered my mother and I still dont know why. If things get done that need to get done, then stop worrying about unimportant issues, and dont make a big deal out of them.

Tracker has given some great advice as per always. Everything Tracker said is what I was trying to say, I just didn't say it as well.

I have only read the first couple of pages, so I am not certain if I am just repeating others. I am not one to generally give advice to others, as I know no better than anyone else, but I have a sixteen year old aspie son who also spends a great deal of time in his room. I am concerned by the advice given to you to pull the plug on his internet. I have no clue as what to advise you as an alterntive, but cannot see how taking away the thing he most enjoys will have any positive effect. My husband and I go back and forth over this subject from time to time. I always stand firm. All I know is, my mother was very understanding of my behaviors and needs when I lived at home and as an adult I am very grateful to her and we are very close.

First I want to say that I'm a mom of an 11 yo high functioning Aspie, so I have no idea you are going through. What I do see is that he has no impetus to change. I know you said that he hasn't been violent in some time, but is that because you haven't challenged him? I am concerned about your well being, living in a situation where he could become violent if things don't go his way. I am also concerned with the time he is spending on the computer. Do you know what is on his hard drive? Is it anything that could get you in trouble?

Is there any kind of home that helps people learn to function in society near you?