17 and won't leave his room.

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Thank you

Aurea,
stangely it is consoling to hear that there are other boys out there just like my son and yes he is 17 and that is hard enough for him and me but he is also like you said just like a 14yr old and at times a 5yr old. In fact when someone asks me his age I really have to think. His sister who is 15 now sees him as her younger brother and has trouble too remembering his age.
I would love to introduce a counsellor but even if I suggested one come to the house he would go into a rage and complete distress as I have broached on this with him before. He is like you say very very scared.

Toucan -
thank you for your post. My son also cant cope with certain smells, infact all his senses seem to be unusally heightened. He will instant go dislike a person if some aspect of them grates on him - even if they speak badly. He hears it so clearly if someone does not pronounce their words properly.

Claire333 -
I like you dont think it is ever going to work, pulling the plug on the computer, first because I have tried it in every possible way, suddenly and little by little. His older brother thinks I am wrong and thinks that the addiction to his games is part of what has him in this way. I just dont know.

Doodlebug -
thank you for your concerns I do know what is on his harddrive and he it is all still innocent enough. But having said that he is getting older all the time and it is something I need to keep monitored.

Tracker -
What can I say your words are so insightful and you really understand what is going on for him (which I must say I have had very little of over the years).
You have given me lots and lots of advice and I am going to follow through on much of it.

Social phobia -
I do understand this and his fears, but my fears are that if I support these fears I will just compound them for him and they will get bigger and bigger over the years. I am not really a 'normal' socially outgoing person myself and hate busy places and dont understand why people love going to crowded places etc. I much prefer the safety of my own family and could quite easily stay in my own little world everyday. So I think it is a case of the 'apple doesnt fall too far from the tree'. However, I also feel that I must not stop trying to bring him out of himself as I am afraid of when I am not around I suppose a parents normal instinct is to prepare their child for independence. I did read the link you sent me.

Again you solution is one of great understanding and I do try to do these things- like when he wants to go to the shopping mall to get a game I take him when all the other kids are in school and if I ask him to help me at the supermarket we go at the quieter times.

I am not that familiar with all the games etc but I do know that he knows them all and has played all the final fantasy games and online. He was a few years ago addicted to WOW (before anime) and I was so worried about this. Then his brother hid all the online games and it was after this he found anime. I think the WOW game got to a love hate relationship for him where he was bored with it but could not stop. He plays so much that he gets to unbeleveable levels.

I think you may be right about the computer programming thing, again I know nothing about all this but I remember about a year ago he set up his own server (if this makes sense to you) and he manned it 24/7 for his few 'people' then he got sick of their demands, but I do remember how proud he was of himself to have been ablt to work it all out on his own. He often gets people online asking him how to do things and is a bit of a wiz as far as I can see.

There is a college near us that is especially for young people with special needs who have not completed the normal education and they do a computer programming and game design course. I think it would be ideal for him as they understand aspergers etc. I have suggested it to him but he immediately refused and I just dont know how to get him there or how to entice him there I should say. If only he would try I think he may like it and I have told him that I will drive him and pick him up everyday.

I want to be able to reply more to all that you have said unfortunately I need to go now. But again I thank you so much for all you have written it must have taken alot of time and I really appreciate your help.
Talk soon
Julia.

I have to agree there, my parents used to frequenly take away the things I enjoyed(TV, radio, music) and force things I didn't enjoy on me(swimming, going to parties) and all it did was make me miserable, it didn't change my behavior any. Of course, I wasn't doing the same things this 17 year old is doing.

So, are you planning to finish posting, or should I assume that you have written all you plan to write and compose my next response?

I am back again -
Re: Tracker -

Socialising -
my son certainly has a lack of interest in socialising and has not got the drive of normal teenagers to be around other teenagers. That said he does get exicited if one of his few friends call over or he is invited to stay at his friends house (one only) but all this is becoming rarer and rarer as they are regular teens and want to do different things to him and they are losing interest in him.
When my son was about 12 - 13 yrs he did try to fit in with the crowd and went out with them and hung around and tried to dress in the way they wanted him to but this soon ended as he was uncomfortable and found it very difficult but also boring and pointless - he just could not understand the purpose of hanging around doing nothing. Also he hates anywhere where there is alot of people.
Just like you describe. Mostly now they just phone him but it is always to talk about a computer game and usually to ask for his help to solve a problem on the game if they are stuck.

on-line games -

like I said he plays alot of on-line games he use to play on his desktop but these days he has been playing them online on his PS3. I can find out which ones he plays and let you know. I would love for you to get to talk to him (how that is possible I dont know). You are the only person who seems to fully understand what we are going through and the situation. Also I think you are
quite young (dont mean that as an insult but compared to me you are). I looked at your date of birth and it says 1986 is that right?

Dont think there are enough friends around for game nights like I said they are now few and far between and everything I suggest to him is a firm 'No'.
Don't mean to shoot down everything you say, it is more a result of the helpless and frustrating situation I am in with him.

Fear of progress-
I think you are very right here. He has tried so many times and feels he has failed. In fact he often says 'I am a failure' which is really upsetting. But I can understand what he means. I am not giving up though I am going to really try and introduce things on a small level. bit by bit.

Being emotionally overwhelmed -
All you said here is very apt he really has tried and it is too much for him. But now he is back in a rut and I have to try and get him out of it. Just dont know where to find someone who will understand and help me. I am his mum and what he needs is someone else he looks up to which is not easy to find.

Cognitive Behavioral therapy - not sure if I know how to implement this and he will not trust anyone.

Apathy - Again you have hit the nail on the head. I am going to print out all that you have written and when his older brother comes home from Uni in June I will show it to him and maybe we can work out some sort of plan.

His Brother -
His brother who will be 23 in September has been at times a great support and at times a hindrance because he swings from patient understanding and level headed thinking accepting his brothers asperger's to times when he gets completely frustrated and impatient because he feels let down by things not working out. He fully accepts that his brother has Asperger's but he is still in the frame of mind that his brother is lazy and that I let him get away with being lazy.

Sleep schedule -
Yes he always had a different time clock to the rest of us even when he was small - he never seems to need as much slepp as anyone else - he says he likes the night because it is quiet and no one bothers him. My difficulty is that both him and his sister both have Diabetes type 1 (insulin dependant) and he must take his insulin injections at regular times. I cannot let him sleep on and on as his blood sugar levels with get too low, which is dangerous.

I know I seem to be very pessimistic about everything but I have not given up and I always come back and try again. Your advice is invaluable not only to give me ideas but also that you have reassured me so much that I am not a bad parent. I have and have had so many people in my life telling me that I have done it or am doing it wrong and that he is just lazy and I am letting him get away with it. So many times I feel that maybe they are right. I am so grateful to you for your understanding.

How about moving the computer to a comunal living space in the home? eg. the kitchen. Then he is more connected with the rest of the family, while still allowing him to play his games. Then you have an opportunity to look over his shoulder and show an interest in what its all about, and maybe take a turn?

There are some local support groups for people with AS, or family members. You will find them on the Irish AS website, www.aspire-irl.org/

I know your son may not be able to go to these meetings, but certainly you could do with the support from other people locally. Then maybe in time he could join you?

Its so difficult for you cause you are ready for all this to change, but he clearly is not.

A plan is a super idea, but the decision to stick to the plan no matter what, will be the challenging part. All the changing around to try to find anything to reach him, is probably unsetteling in itself for him. You may have an 'extinction burst' type reaction, which you will have to ride through, to come out the other end.

My AS son is only 4yrs, and at the moment we are learning how to break into his world to connect with him, and teach him. I guess the same principle stands with a 17yr old. If you could find your way 'in' that is your first step. Coming to his level, understanding him, and listening to him in a non judgmental way.

Maybe take off your 'parent hat' and just show him that you too are a person with feelings etc. He may respond way better to that person, with no feeling of pressure to conform?

I do feel no matter what you do, it will have to be gently and with lots of encouragement and praise for every effort on his part, no matter how small. It wont be an overnight change, but I do believe you will make a difference. Good Luck xx

Thank you FD.
I have been in contact with Aspire but the groups seem very small and most parents have very young kids but I do intend to try again. The main problem in Ireland is that everything is talk and no action. The services on the ground are non existent. Most families are on their own and if you go to a specialist all they have at their disposal are drugs. Which seems to be their only answer to all problems.
Thanks for your words and understanding. The people who have replied to me on this forum have been the most support I have recieved in all the years.
Julia

You just hang in there, i have sent you a pm, hope thats ok! All the advice posted here has been brilliant. I have certainly learned loads x

You're blaming your son for his behaviours.

You should accept responsibility for your own part in this problem.

For too long you have failed to set out and enforce boundaries, you have allowed him to behave this way. And now you're complaining about his behaviour, which you have allowed to date.

As an Aspie, he's probably a bit confused about your contradictory behaviour. You provide him with an internet connection. You complain that he uses that internet connection. wtf? That's enough to blow an Aspie's logic fuse right there. Aspies tend to take things very literally. But if your son takes all your pronouncements literally you're contradicting yourself and confusing him, he doesn't know where he stands.

And what about meals? You say he doesn't leave his room. Does he leave his room for mealtimes? Or do you worry that he's not eating, so you take his meals to his room? If so, that would again be contradictory behaviour on your part.

You indulge his special interest in all things Japanese, to the extent that you promise him/try to bribe him with trips to Japan. But then you tell him that his special interest in Japanese anime and manga or whatever is too much, and he needs to lay off. Make your mind up! Is his special interest wrong, and he shouldn't be spending so much time on it? Or is his special interest okay, and you'll even pay for him to visit Japan to pursue his interest? Again, you're being contradictory.

Instead of blaming your son, you need to take responsibility for creating this situation, and correct your own behaviours if you want to have any hope of your son correcting his.

First step. Take away his internet connection. Implement a reward based structure for internet use. And stick to it. No exceptions.

Find out about self-help groups for Aspies or special interest groups in your local town or city that would require your son to leave your home to attend. Encourage him to enrol in college and/or to look for a part time work.

You know, you just described a big part of my childhood. My parents frequently contradicted themselves and if I tried to call them on it, they either got upset, refused to talk about it, or said "That's just the way it is." My parents let me have my own TV, yet they'd get mad at me for watching it. Same with radio/stereo/music etc. I came to the conclusion the reason they gave me things was so they could take them away from me again when they wanted control. Made no sense to me at all.

They would also tell me "Everybody's different" and "everybody likes different things," but they also told me "everybody swims and everybody likes swimming, and you will too" which they followed up with forcing me to swim daily every summer for 4 years. I didn't understand how everyone could like different things yet like the same thing at the same time. Totally contradictory.

They let me have an electronics kit one summer and when I wanted to work on it, it often resulted in a fight because they'd want me to on my sister's whim, quit working and go swimming, which I didn't want to do. We often ended up in huge fights over it, which I didn't understand. I wanted to do something educational and challenging to me and they provided me a means to do so, yet often tried to disrupt it. They made alot of excuses for me having to swim everyday, including that I needed exercise. Yet my sister at one time, would sit in her room reading for hours and there'd be times I wanted to play outside and she never wanted to join me, nor was she forced to. In fact, I was often restricted from playing outside as well. I concluded when I wanted to go out, it was wrong, and when I wanted to stay in, it was wrong too. That still doesn't make sense to me almost 3 decades later. Also, there were times when she simply didn't want to go swimming and nobody made an issue of that. I liked these few and far between reprieves, but they didn't make any sense. How come she got a choice and not me?

They also liked to remind me of how my brother didn't learn to swim until he was 17 and only because he needed it for school. I still don't understand why it was never forced on him yet crammed down my throat. They never seem to have any issues with his life, so apparently non-swimming didn't harm him, why was it so bad for me?

Another example was homework. I once went to this school that gave a lot of homework and I always stuggled through it. One day, my parents actually got mad at me for doing homework! I didn't figure this out until years later, that they wanted me to choose to quit that school, so they constantly picked on me about it. They'd constantly be on my case for doing that homework and said if I changed schools, I wouldn't have to do it anymore. They also yelled at me for having to wear uniforms, while the school they wanted me to move to didn't require them. After constant torment, I cracked and agreed to change schools. All of a sudden, I wasn't interested in doing homework anymore, because I thought that is how I was supposed to think to keep them off my back, and when my new school gave homework and I complained, they'd get mad at me. I never understood why homework was wrong at one school and OK at another. They then decided to transfer me and my sister out of that school, and I ended up in a school, less than 2 years later, that wore the same uniforms that were so bad at the other school. Again, why wrong for one and OK for another?

I still don't understand any of it all these years later, and probably never will. I will say one thing though, one of my biggest peeves with NT society is double standards.

I know someone whose 21 year old son will hardly leave the house. He started this behavior in high school and the guy is NT. He has a major internet addiction.

I would say that you have to cut off the internet. When you do, there is a chance your son will get aggressive. This happened to my friend's son. He absolutely flipped out when it was turned off. It's like going through withdrawal.

It is better to deal with this now, than wait a few years down the road. I would also suggest a chore and hygiene chart. Your son must do some basic chores, bathe & brush teeth everyday. My friend's son had stopped doing those things as well.

Well now we have gone full circle!

I think this topic has reached its natural end.
Many thanks to all for the input, advice and understanding really really appreciated.

However would still love to hear back from Tracker though.

Thanks
Julia

I'm going to post, dont give up hope!

Whenever I make long posts about tricky subjects like this, it usually takes me about 3 hours to complete the post, and edit it to my satisfaction. Words arent my forte, so it takes me a while to get them out nicely. As such, I really cant leave a response unless I have 3 hours to sit down and think. I haven't had a break that long the past few days. However, I will probably have some time later today to compose my response.

Great Thanks Tracker.
I fully understand how much you put into these emails and quite honestly I would never be able to do it.
Also, you are brilliant! with words - what are you talking about.
I cant tell you how much I appreciate what you are doing for me and my son. The best help I have ever had.
Look forward to your reply. But even if you dont reply for ages that is ok I am not going anywhere - will always be checking in and my situation is not going to change too quickly either.
Just dont want to loose you as a contact.
Julia.
PS. Your posts are not going to waste I have printed them off and keep refering back to them.

Thank you for waiting, time for round 3.

First, I shall give a quick response to some comments of yours.

I am indeed 22 years old. Born Sept 8th, 1986.

Also, I can assure you that I am not good with words, at least not verbally. My writings here may give a false impression of fluency that unfortunately does not carry over to my speech. It takes me a long time to get the words out in the correct order, which is why I prefer to communicate via typing.

Now on to the matter at hand. In preparing to write a response to this, I have decided to go back and look through your history of previous posts. And there is a couple topics that I wish to discuss with you.

1. You said in a previous post that you have not told your son that he is autistic. I am referring to this:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp238942. ... ht=#238942

I do hope you have since told him about Asperger syndrome, and what it entails, but if you have not then (the caps do indicate yelling) TELL HIM NOW!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! Your son has been trying and failing to be normal all his life. After he has tried and failed so many times he considers himself to be a failure as a person. Everybody tells him to try harder, and put forth more effort, and as much as he tries he simply cannot be normal. This is incredibly depressing. Telling him that he is autistic lets him know that it isnt his fault. Its not a problem with his personality that he cannot cope with the noise, and lights, and people, its just the way his brain is wired. It lets him know that there are many other people like him who have gone through problems similar to his. It lets him know that he is not alone in his struggles, and that this is not a result of him just being a bad person. So, please, please do tell him. I know that my life took a huge turn for the better when I finally figured out why I am the way that I am.

Also, it is somewhat difficult to give him advice when he doesnt know what the problem is. Your son is probably old enough to understand what is going on, and thus be a part of devising the solution. But if you continued to keep him in the dark and try working around him your going to be wasting alot of time. Which leads me to my next part:

2. You can't fix your son's problems, only he can.
Society works because everybody does something they dont want to do in order to make society better, which in turn helps them in the long run. For example, I dont want to go to work everyday, but I do so because working is an important part of a functional society. If everybody just decided to stop working, then things would go downhill fast. Likewise, I would like to drive across lawns in order to get to work, but I dont do that because it wouldnt be good for other people.

If everybody was reasonable, thoughtful, and sympathetic to the needs of others, then we wouldnt need police or the capitalist system. Unfortunately, many people are not nice and reasonable. That's why we as a society have to institute a reward/punishment system in order to illicit desired results. For example, if I drive across lawns, the police will arrest me. If I go to work, I get payed. While this setup of reward/punishments can motivate me, it cannot make me do anything that I do not wish to do. If my desire to do something overcomes the fear of negative consequences then I will do it anyways. This is why people drive recklessly trying to get to work 5 minutes faster. Likewise, if the potential reward isnt worth the effort from my view, then I wont do it. The flaw with this system of reward/punishment is that it relies on people's perspectives a great deal. If people are not afraid of the consequences, or not motivated by the rewards, then the system fails.

Another problem inherent in this system is that it works mainly on a forced basis. I.E. you will work or else be homeless, you will follow all the rules or else by in jail, etc. And when you live your life just trying to avoid negative consequences you wind up being afraid, with anxiety and depression. Many people on this forum have suggested you take away his computer, and set up a reward/punishment system. Now, I am not opposed to a reward/punishment system myself. They are indeed very useful when dealing with immature people who lack the ability to understand the full results of their actions. I have even written a post suggesting a possible system to be implemented. This is mainly for young children, but sadly there are also some immature adults who still need this level of control (which is why we have police). As a person matures, he should be able to see the bigger picture, and realize why they must act in a certain way for the betterment of all society (including themselves). A young child may not understand why he needs to wash his hands, and as such you may need to coerce him into doing so by a reward/punishment system. But when the child grows older and learns about germs and the spread of diseases, he will understand himself why he must wash his hands, and he will be motivated to wash his hands by himself without external influence.

Your son doesnt seem to be responding to the typical reward/punishment setup. Simply put he is too old. The problem most parents have with their teenagers is that they continue to treat them like young children (using solely reward/punishment systems), and shockingly the teenagers dont submit like mindless sheep. The parent then blames this on the teenager, and the false stereotype of teenagers being defiant and lazy is born. The reality is that the teenager was never taught why they must act in certain ways, they were just taught to act a certain way or else. And as the person grows up, and the parent loses influence, the child is no longer motivated by the reward/punishment system. Now if the child knows why that rule was in place, then they will see the logic of the rule and continue to follow it, even though they are no longer motivated by the parent. They are instead motivated by the reasoning behind the rule, and follow because they want to, not because they are forced to. If the child was never taught the reasoning behind this rule, then they will see no point in doing it because it doesnt make any sense.

Likewise, you must get your son to act a certain way not because he is afraid of consequences, but because he understands the full implications of his actions, and is motivated to do the correct thing by himself without external influence. It may be wise to explain some economics to him, about supply, and demand, and where this supply comes from, and how things are made. That way he can understand why it is important for him to pull his own weight as much as possible. Your goal here is to motivate him to do something (like take some programming courses) by getting him to see why it is important. Tell him about hiring policies, and social conventions, and why it is in his best interest to get a good education. Then once he realizes the importance of it, he may be more willing to seek needed help, and try again. Coercing him to do something against his will wont do much besides drive him into depression, and create an unpleasant situation for everybody. It is much better to explain WHY something must be done, and then work WITH him to develop ideas on how to do it. And the encourage him to stick with it even though it is hard at times.

If your son is anything like me, talking may be hard for him. Not that he cant do it, its just difficult to get the right words out. As such, having a face to face discussion may not be the best solution. You could try telling him your concerns, and asking some questions, and then giving him time to write up a response. It would be best if you wrote down what it is you want to say so he can review it and think through thoroughly before providing his answer. The answer may not be immediate, but it will be well thought out, and thus much better then an immediate 'i don't know'.

3. You seem to be far too concerned with what he does in his free time.
There is a ludicrous idea in western culture that everybody must be 'well rounded'. That is basically to say that you shouldn't enjoy anything too much that you do it as your main source of enjoyment. Popular culture tells us that we must play at least 1 sport, watch a minimum of 1 movie per month, go out with friends at least twice a week, watch TV or play on the computer no more then 3 hours per day, take a variety of classes in everything from math to poetry, watch at least 1 sports team, and other such utterly ridiculous crap. Why does everybody think that you should split up your free time so much? If a person wants to do this, then they can go ahead, I'm not going to stop them. But why has this become the standard which is forced down the throats of our children? If your son wants to spend all his free time playing computer games then let him. If he wants to spend all his free time watching anime then let him. It is HIS free time, and he should do what HE finds enjoyable.

Now I'm not saying that your a bad parent, I'm just saying that your focusing and worrying about the wrong thing. What is important in this situation is not how he spends his free time, but whether or not he makes progress towards supporting himself and becoming independent. Having fun and playing games are not bad. In fact it could be argued that the reason you go to school, and become independent is so that you can enjoy life more. Just let him know that by taking a break from his games to work on something else now, he will have a much better, more enjoyable future. The reason he should take a break from gaming is not because you said so, but because he wants to have a better future. If he spends a few hours a day reading a book about programming, and maybe a few hours learning math, then spends the rest of his day playing computer games then thats a good thing. It means he gets to enjoy his life. Game night may be a fun way to meet other people, but it is merely an idea to foster social contact, not a requirement that he must fulfill.

You have written in previous posts that he is addicted to his games/anime. Why is it that whenever somebody spends all their free time doing a non-conventional activity it is considered an addiction? An addiction is defined as an action which you want to stop, but cannot do so. If he really wanted to stop watching anime, and focus on his school work, but couldnt pull himself away despite his desire to do so, then you would have an addiction. But this sounds to me that your son is just spending his free time doing something which he enjoys, and there is nothing wrong with that. I spent all of my free time playing computer games, and my mother was convinced that I was addicted. I wasn't addicted, I was simply doing something I enjoy. I also do not understand why you are opposed to MMORPGs. I have played them for 5 years now and it hasn't turned me into a mindless zombie, it is merely a form of entertainment that allows for social interaction in an enjoyable way. You shouldn't be worried about him from enjoying a game which encourages socializing simply because he enjoys playing the game too much.

Now if he tells you that he wants to work on his programming project, but keeps getting distracted by the games then you can suggest a time each day where he doesn't play games, but does work instead. Perhaps agree with him that for his own sake, you are going to turn off the internet between 5-8pm or something like that so he can work without distractions. But this should be something you work out with your son and get his agreement on. Not a decision solely by you to force your schedule and wishes on him. Keep in mind that you may need to resort to writing each other letters to express yourselves properly. As you say, he has difficulty expressing himself with words.

4. If your son has difficulty getting up, then it is probably a good idea to work on his morning routine. This has always been a huge problem for me. If I set the alarm loud enough that it wont hurt my ears then Ill sleep right through it. If I set it loud enough to wake me then it will hurt my ears. There is no worse way to start the day then a painfully loud beeping sound waking you up. I also hated having to try and rush everything into the morning. The solution I found was to get 2 alarm systems. This first was a CD player that starts playing CDs instead of beeping as an alarm. I then made my own CD of some techno music, that slowly faded in over 5 minutes. So it would start of very soft and then get louder and louder over time. I also got a lamp timer. It allows you to set the time when a lamp will go on or off, and also has a built in dimmer switch. I hooked it up to the lamp next to my bed, and set it to turn on 5 minutes after the CD started playing. This proved a much nicer way to get up in the morning. I also gave myself 30 minutes of free time in the morning before I had to do anything. I.E. the CD will start at 7 am, and the lamp will turn on at 7:05, but I wont actually get out of bed till 7:30. I use that time to browse the news sites on my laptop, or plan my day. It is a much better way to start the day then getting a painful, annoying alarm waking me up at 7:30, even if I lose 30 minutes of sleep.

5. CBT, or cognitive behavior therapy, is really much more simple then people make it sound. To be honest CBT is a blanket term covering a multitude of different techniques. I should have been more specific and said that I was specifically suggesting cognitive restructuring, which is a form of CBT, specifically for anxiety. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_restructuring

It basically works like this:
A. Admit that the current situation is not the best it could be.

B. Admit that the way your fears may be causing, or at least amplifying some of these problems.

C. Write down a list of fears, or concerns which you have.

D. Address these concerns calmly and logically, and work through them. For example, say your afraid of trying something new and failing. You may want to think about this, and realize that if people never tried anything new, invention and progress would never happen. Look at all the people who failed in the past, and see that their lives didnt end horribly. Work through your previous failures and find closure, and perhaps some forgiveness. Realize that if you fail, that doesnt mean that your a bad person, simply that you are normal. Everybody fails, it is part of being human. Its not important whether or not you fail. What is important is that you tried you best, and that you learn from your mistakes.

E. Come up with antithesis phrases. This basically means that whenever you find yourself afraid of something, you can remind yourself of these phrases and get a boost of confidence. For example, an antithesis phrase to fear of failure might be, "Failure is not a horrible thing, everybody fails on occasion. What is important is that I put forth effort, and get help when I need it. I will not give up, nor give into my fears, I am stronger then that and I will conquer this challenge, even if I fail a few times in the attempt."

F. Slowly take on more and more difficult challenges and work you way through them. Start simply by going to a store to go shopping for a few items, and use the self checkout. The next time you could try using the checkout lane with the cashier. The next time you could try talking to the cashier to say hello. The next time you could try going on a busier day. And so forth and so on. Work in small steps, and take the time afterward to relax, and congratulate yourself on a job well done.

I did something like this for myself when I was younger. Whenever I was feeling overwhelmed I would tell myself, your stronger then this, your not going to give in, you can do this, etc. I think I got it from 'the little engine that could', I dont know if you've ever heard that story. But it is the same basic principle. In any case, it is fairly easy to do, you dont need a fancy counselor to come to your house and do it for you.

6. You seem like you need somebody else to talk to your son, who can be on his side and work with him. Simply put he is too defensive around you because he associates ideas proposed by you with bad results. Do you know what games he plays online? I may play the same game as him, I could possibly meet him online to talk as a friend. You said he isnt willing to come onto Wrong Planet, but would he be willing to read a letter? I might be able to write to him and try to draw him into conversing that way.

I think that covers everything that needs to be said. If I have forgotten something, or you have more questions, feel free to leave a response, or send me a personal message. Also, before I go I should say that you are facing a difficult challenge that you did not expect, and nobody can blame you for feeling overwhelmed by this. Please dont take it personally when other people say you are a bad parent. You may not be perfect, but nobody is. The fact that you have come to this board to ask for advice shows you are a thoughtful person who is trying their best to make the situation better. Please continue to be patient with your son, and come back for help when you need it. I cannot fix all your problems, but I'm willing to help where I can.

Tracker, have you ever told your mom about the work you do here? If I was her, I'd be incredibly proud of you

No, sadly my mother is not the sort of person you can talk to, at least not if you expect her to listen.