17 and won't leave his room.

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Tracker... I'm in awe - that was a masterful post. While I know the labor you put into it only from your explanation, the time spent in consideration of your response is evident.


M.

Julia, have you had a chance to see Tracker's latest response to you? I'm bumping this up just in case.

Thank you DW. Yes I did get Trackers last response. I have been away for the past week but I sent him a PM.

I just started reading this today. Oh, Julia, my heart aches for you.
I have no idea how single parents can get through the day. Whenever my husband was gone on assignment, I could manage for three days and then everything went downhill.

Sons and sleep. My aspie son and NT sons all wanted to stay up all night and sleep all day. Actually, they still do in their twenties and thirties. But for them work and family preclude their inclinations.

We have a thirty-yr-old daughter with autism plus mental retardation, bi-polar, OCD, and in her twenties added a seizure disorder. Our family motto became, Let the Wookie win, because it needed to be really important for us to go through the depressing effort of trying to keep ourselves, the house, and her safe during her violent rages. We needed to live out in the country far enough that neighbors wouldn't hear her screams and call the police. They called the police enough when she escaped without my notice and she would walk into random people's homes and go into the kitchen to make coffee. She was non-verbal, but would make Wookie sounds. (the movie Star Wars IV)
Sometimes, she liked school. Usually, she hated it. I was required to be no more than 15 minutes from the High School at all times so I could get her when she turned violent. She was frustrated and I was frustrated.
We got together with some other parents and formed a non-profit organization to get services to fit our kids instead of trying to fit our kids into the existing services (something my daughter was incapable of) We tried so many programs. After graduation, we got her three jobs under supervised conditions. Each time she found out what she had to do to get fired and promptly did it.
So here we are at, oh wait, she's thirty-one, right, and after much struggle and expense, she lives in a duplex we bought and remodeled (for instance taking out the stove and oven and painting things with bright, contrasting colors so she can see them well etc) and her companion provider has the other side of the duplex where she can keep her things free from our Wookie's destructive creativity. The state provides respite so the companion can shop or visit friends sometimes and once a month she goes away for a weekend of play (and my husband and I alternate staying with the Wookie). Every Sunday I bathe her and take her to church where she wanders about looking at the babies, getting coffee, paper, tape, and a latex glove to blow up as a balloon before going home to cut up the paper. She has an outing once a day right after her bath and nobody asks her to go somewhere afterward. If she has a doctor appt, it must be right after her bath. She cuts up paper, makes art with it, throws away the scraps, watches TV, makes coffee, uses her hot tub, changes and dries the swimsuit, chews on pens, takes naps, cuts more paper, etc.
It's a lot more limited life than I wanted for her, but she is happy now. I'm not yelling at her for cutting up my mail and books. She's not screaming at me for frustrating her. She hasn't beat me up for a long time now. Life is good.
Oh, at the beginning when we moved her into the duplex, we went through a series of providers. One of them decided to deal with the Wookie's obsessions by getting rid of all paper in the house. Things went insane and some really horrific things happened that I do not want to go into detail about, but life did not become sanitary and decent until after a year or two of her knowing that somebody would give her a little bit of paper every time she asked for it (by coming into the bedroom, sitting on the bed where I am watching Animal Planet, groaning, and then leaving the bedroom. Honest, that's how she tells us.) I don't know what to tell you about your son's violence. I never called the police about the Wookie pounding and pinching any of us, (What good would it do?) but my other brain-damaged daughter hit me once and I had her arrested. She never hit me again.

In reply to OP: I don't think this is the answer you were looking for, but I would kick him out of the house on the DAY that he turns 18. And if he goes into a rage again and commits assault or vandalism, turn him in to the police. Either way, it might give him a good hard reality-check, or it might destroy him. But either scenario is better than letting him go on like this and cause problems for the family.

[quote="CRACK"]In reply to OP: I don't think this is the answer you were looking for, but I would kick him out of the house on the DAY that he turns 18. And if he goes into a rage again and commits assault or vandalism, turn him in to the police. Either way, it might give him a good hard reality-check, or it might destroy him. But either scenario is better than letting him go on like this and cause problems for the family.

Crack! The parents I know (including me) do all we can to keep our children from being destroyed. An NT kid with a bad attitude you can do that to, but not our kids with autism. In fact, I did do that with one of my kids. I helped her find an apartment and paid the first months rent to get her out of the house when she would not give up her friendships with violent felons. I did not want those people to know my other daughter with autism existed or that I existed. She refused to acknowledge the danger she was putting the rest of the family in. She told us she had to learn things the hard way, and so we reluctantly let her go so she could do so without destroying the rest of us.
But still, you don't just throw away a kid because they make life hard for you.

I thought it was interesting how sad you found my story. All of us look at things in so many different ways. I was sort of hoping my story would encourage Julie that things that look hopeless for many years can still have happy endings.

Hi, im in the same situation n I was wondering how has it panned out? My as 15 old son has pretty much left school. We have tried everything possible.

First off - I didn't read all the replies so I apologize if this has already been said.

So first of all - you didn't say why he left school - but education has to be the priority. Luckily today there are options outside of a brick and mortar school.

If he is already 17 then presumably he is old enough to have a discussion with you. I would suggest talking to him about Anime and find out what his 'dreams' are in that regard. Then keep talking to him about it - sometimes kids will reveal what is bothering them when we aren't pestering them about it.

Now you know what motivates him.

Next it is time to set some rules. Life is all about making trades so 'trade' him computer time for anime for education. He gets x amount of time on the computer for x amount of school work done ( I am assuming he chooses to do an online school of some sort)

Perhaps offer a special reward such as attending an anime convention (Yes they are everywhere, my daughter is also an anime fan so if you need help with this I can direct you) if he completes a difficult task - like graduation.

Also I would suggest introducing him to the website fanfiction.net. There is a whole section of anime fans who write stories about their favorite shows/characters etc.

This may sound like you are rewarding him for doing nothing, but it is possible he may make friends, get interested and start writing. It is also possible if he keeps writing that it could turn into a career for him.

In general you need to use his interest to motivate him to do what needs doing - but be safe about it and take it slowly if need be.

Good luck and God Bless

I wish we could find out how Julia and her son are doing.

If her son was able to achieve independence, I would be curious as to what Julia, her son, and others did to help him reach that goal. It would be educational in the extreme--especially since the son was so reluctant to change his internet routine

Too bad Julia hasn't come back since 2009.

I can't believe how judgemental some of people are...you getting 17yr old boy to do something he want to do.. Not all kids are the same. I tried pulling the plug on my son's Xbox...it didn't work. He just sat in his room. Anyway..taking away the one thing the kid enjoys in life is just cruel and is risking him giving up on life altogether. I'm on SSI due to HFA...doesn't mean I'm lazy or don't want to be able to work. I just can't do it.

[quote]I know that some people believe that disciplining a "disabled" child is cruel, but in the case of AS, it just HAS to be done. Those that aren't taught a sense of discipline, work ethic, and self-control will just toil away at their special interest all day long. [/quote
Exactly! Entitled aspies need to prove their sufficancy. Make him pay rent or send him to independanty living.