do you like your son/daughter the way they are?

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ITA

The question was if you can cure your child, would you. I wasn't even talking about what you said.

If you talk about total cure, yes I believe it essentially makes the child a completely different person. There are many people who do seem to have that perspective. They do love their children but want the Autism gone but yet that IS a part of who the person is. Yes, there are difficulties that a person on the spectrum faces (as with many disabilities) but there are also WONDERFUL aspects that come out of it as well. I am sure you will agree with that. If you talk about "curing" him of different aspects of AS such as sensory issues, that is a different story as it depends on if that person essentially wants that aspect of themselves taken away. If the child wants to be cured completely (and someone else not deciding what they think the child may want to be changed), then I would want him cured only because that is his wish. If the child is unable to communicate his or her wants and needs, I would continue to focus on making that child happy - just like all kids.

I completely believe you love your children. I just believe that some of us are in disagreement about whether or not taking away the Autism, ADHD or some other difference/disability, is taking away who the child is.

I am only commenting on the original post. I didn't even read your response


(edited due to my horrible grammar and rereading posts)

Last edited by natesmom on 08 Jun 2009, 7:34 pm, edited 4 times in total.

ITA as well. That was the point I was trying to make. Thank you for clarifying. I don't have Autism but have pretty severe ADHD. I really don't like the sensory issues and disorganization but this is who I am - given the good and bad. Through my various experiences, it has made me a much stronger person as I had to learn how to cope. My determination is extremely strong compared to the average person because I had to learn things in a different way and go through various obstacles to get to where I am at today. That is my personal experience

I want to "fix" the actual "medical" issues...I know he has some...I do NOT want to fix "his personality"...I love him and think he is just amazing!

I think people are getting things confused here.

Every single one of us are the sum total of our experiences. There is a jewish story about when people die, they get to get rid of all their problems on a hypothetical tree, but they have to pick another set of problems from this hypothetical tree.

The point of the story is that people always choose their own problems and don't trade their problems for another set of problems.

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So as parents we want our children not to "suffer". But from our children's point of view they may not be suffering at at.

The problem is that "suffering" forms our personalities and our views of the world. I met a man in a wheelchair. At 21, a wrestler, he got drunk and fell 45 feet out of a tree. He has no use of his legs. He told me that it was the worst thing that happened to him and it was the best thing that happened to him. His old life was over, but his new life was now much richer. So it is with such life changing events.

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Autism is NOT a life changing event. It just is. As parents we watch our autistic children suffer. We feel so badly and guilty for their suffering. We want to take away their suffering.

Because autism is not an event, we watch our child not be able to fit in to the rest of the population. It is hard to watch. I imagine that it was hard to accept many disabilities long ago. I know that most disabled children were taken to mental hospitals and asylums back before 1960's. There are still hospitals for the profoundly disabled today.

Then there was a revolution, and people in wheelchairs and other disabilities were starting to be reintroduced into mainstream society. I think, but am not sure, that this had a great deal to do with President Reagan who closed all the half-way houses, but it did happen before that time period.

Today we see all types of disabilities as we go about our days. There is the American Disability Act which prohibits discrimination against the disabled.

When I was growing up, homosexuality was an absolute taboo. Today, our young people don't even care about this issue.

As parents, we just don't want our children to be shunned, and suffer. We want them to be happy. Society doesn't accept those with autism (yet) even though it is clear that HF autistics can be extremely functional and bring tremendous talent to our world. And the less functional ones brings much joy to a sector of our population that enjoys taking care of the less functional.


As a parent of a highly intelligence, highly Asperger son myself, I walk this tightrope all the time. How much do I help him fit it and how much to do I accept him as he is? How happy is he? How happy will he be?

I have been jolted by his graduation from high school and entrance into college. He is so full of potential. And he has sooo much Asperger's. He wants to be independent and be fully self-supporting. I am going to help him reach HIS goal. I know I won't do it perfectly. But, when does a parent do anything perfectly.

Do I wish I could take away his suffering - yes. But I am not sure that he feels he is suffering.

Then again, as humans we all can adapt to our given circumstance (or we don't and commit suicide). What if those with problems just don't know what they could do if their problems could magically be taken away? What if there was a cure that would preserve your personality and take away your problems? I ask this question all the time since, as an adult, I have accumulated my fair share of problems. I don't want them to disappear because they make my life wiser albeit less productive.

Hmmm....

Aren't these eternal philosophical questions?

Wow, so many honest answers, it is one that I have asked myself alot. I think that I would only want him to be happy, there are issues that make life more difficult for him, the sensory and the anxiety. If I could take those two thigs away I would. I would want to see him more self-confident and to have more peace. The things that I would not chage are his love for life and his need for answers to questions that I had never evern thought of. I have learned alot with him and he has helped me see the world in a differant light. I love that he will just tell me out of no where Mommy I love you. I guess if there were a cure or whatever you want to call it there really is no straight answer. I will be honst and say that I really don't know what I would do. Tyler is only 7 so right now he has no idea of his disorder, if he were older and the opportunity came up it would be a joint decision.

1.) Do I like my kids the way they are?
YES. Mostly, heh. I try to remind myself to "savor" these moments and memories, but at the same time, I VERY much look forward to them growing up a little, in the hope that their behavior will not be quite so insane. There are little things that annoy the hell out of me, like communication problems (can't follow a set of directions, can't always understand what they're told, LiteralLiteralLITERAL, etc), loud, out-of-proportion freakouts at every little slight (from the amount & intensity of screams in our house, it's a wonder the neighbors don't suspect child torture - at least, I hope they don't), complete inability to speak at a normal volume/not interrupt each other/not scream at each other for interrupting each other, and of course, the kids' ubiquitous sensory fascinations. And by that, I mean they all have a thing about covering themselves/the house with Goo. If it is Gooey/Slick/Whatever, they have probably smeared it on their bodies or the walls, just for the sheer Bliss of it.
I really, really hate that. And I just found more gummy, dried yogurt, on a windowsill, about an hour ago.

But still...YES, I like them. Their Oddness is fantastical and wondrous and endlessly hilarious; we will never run out of stories with which to embarass them, one day. And overall, they're just really neat little people. I personally find our friends' "normal" kids much more disturbing/annoying.

2.) Would I "cure" them if I could?
Oh f*ck no. I wouldn't cure myself, either. I can say with certainity that, were Asperger's removed from me, there would be no Me; it is more than just a little funky wiring in my brain. Or, at least, it has become more. It's all I've ever known, and there is no way of extricating who I am, from my own Oddness.

I can never make up my mind whether to be pissed, or hysterically amused, by references to "curing" or "fixing" Asperger's. On one hand, I'm pretty sure that should be deeply offensive, and there's an urge to reply "Oh, I've got your "cure" right here..." But on the other hand...it's just such a ridiculously stupid idea, heh. Given that we've yet to even understand Asperger's, it seems a bit rash to mouth off about "fixing" it. Good luck with that, Normies.

We're in the process, now, of trying to get limited educational services for our kids, so that they will have every opportunity to better understand a world of people very different from them, and get along well with that world, when they need to. Beyond that, though, I've seen no problem with their condition. Mostly, they just behave like exceedingly strange gifted kids.

Except for the rubbing Various Goo everywhere thing; we have GOT to get a cure for that one, right the hell now. I tell you, it's an EPIDEMIC.

Hey tiffofdoom, I got something for the gooey mess on the wall that has near failed to work for me or other moms. Make them clean it off. Stand over them and make them do it. It takes longer there might be some tears at first but say hey if you guys realy want to do this somebodys got to clean it and it's not going to be me any more. They don't find it as fun anymore and you don't even have to get them to clean the whole thing to make your point. My younger son would do his whole rooom every morning before I woke up for about a year between the ages or 4 and 5 I thought I'd lose my mind. It was so bad we had to paint. But I just snaped one morning and made him clean a tiny part of the wall while telling him he'd have to do the whole thing next time and that stop <for the most part> after that. Best of luck tiff

When I got my son's dx, the nursing staff was treating me like they had just given me a dx of something terminal. I was soooo happy to have answers, I just kept thanking everyone! One nurse put her hand on my shoulder and looked at me with eyes full of pity and said "I don't think you have realized what we have told you. You may not cry today, or tomorrow, but when this news sinks in you will cry long and hard and thats ok." I looked at her and said "There's nothing to cry about, you just handed me a thick stack of articles and books to read about how my son's brain works, you just gave me the key to understanding HIM, no one has given me a key to understanding my other two children! I'm thrilled!"

She was wrong. Its been over 10 years since the dx, and I've never once cried. I understand my Asperger's son better than my two neurotypical kids! Seriously! And I've never thought there was anything wrong with him. To me Asperger's is almost like a personality type. I'm blessed that this 'personality' has been researched and studied and there are group forums, etc. My job as a mother is to try to understand each on of my children as best I can so that I can teach them in ways that they understand. I understand my daughter because she is a lot like me, I understand my Asperger's son because of all the resources to help me. NOW, if someone could help me with my other son, that would be great! He's more like his father (who abandoned us) and I never understood how his father's brain worked either! LOL! To top it all off he's the quiet type!

To answer the question.... No, I wouldn't change anything about any of my children. None of them have any issues that they can't handle. We ALL have personality issues and other obsticles in life that we have to learn to deal with, it is what helps build our character. But I can only speak for myself and my family.

I like you! So glad you are here.

Me too, LOL.

That is exactly how I felt and still feel - there is so much information out there that is of great help.

Also with my HFA daughter she does everything to such a set routine / pattern that I know if I do A, she will do B. It is very reassuring in a way.

I did cry though when I got the diagnosis but it was tears of relief, finally an answer.

Wow - what a great discussion!

Do I like Scotty the way he is? Absolutely! I had a (former) friend project grief and stress and all sorts of life trauma onto me based on her perception of my son. She was actually somewhat put out when I told her that I love and enjoy everything about him, but that I have greater difficulty with people who can't/won't accept him the way he is. (Note - former friend.)

Do I want to change him? Again, no. He asked me last night if I was ever bullied when I was a kid. I answered honestly, yes, and I was excluded from stuff, I was kind of shy and weird, but I had friends and I got over it. I asked him if he was ever bullied at school, he said yes, "millions of times." I asked him if he wanted me to do something about it because I could. He said no, he could get over it too, just like I could. I told him he could talk to me anytime about bullying, he said ok, and we left it at that. Not to say we aren't monitoring stuff at school, but if he feels capable of dealing with it, there's nothing for me to change - or even to want to change.

Thanks for asking.

I wouldn't "cure" my daughter if there was such a thing available. I also wouldn't "cure" myself. So the two of us are a little "eccentric"...we are also both highly intelligent people that see the world in a different way and that's a good thing! As an adult, I've found my niche...I don't have any friends, but I'm just fine with professional relationships since those folks want to talk about the very subject I've occupied myself with and they all think I'm brilliant since I've studied it to death:) I found a husband that accepts me for who I am..it was a couple years of rough road until he realized I meant it when I said "please stop cuddling on me, it hurts!" but he's realized that the joy we have together is bigger than my oddness. (And honestly I think he finds my oddness endearing...after 10 years, he still giggles when we go to restaurants and I order seperate plates for each food type...no joke, my dinner usually arrives on 4 plates!). I'm sure my daughter will find her niche too.

Right now, it's tough to hear her say things like "Well today is "twin day" at school where everyone dresses like their friends. But since I don't have any friends I guess I'll just wear whatever I feel like". More than anything it's painful because it's exactly what I went through so I'm feeling both her pain and reliving my own. But I also know that without those experiences I would not be the self confident, successful adult that I am. No kid grows up without a little pain in their life and she will process all of this as she grows and I'm certain she will be just as happy with who she is as I am. I think she's pretty fortunate to have a dx and a mom and dad that understand what's going on. At 6, she's already come to the conclusion that other children don't like her because she has a brain that works differently, and that children that aren't geniuses don't understand how her brain thinks. She's definately not suffering from self esteem issues...to her, the other kids aren't bright enough to figure her out:) I'm quite certain if I asked her if she would want her brain to work like the other children, she would be quite distressed at the idea of being dumbed down!

I would take away my sons Autism in a heartbeat if I could (don't know if it would change his personality that much - he's very strong-willed which he gets from me ) but when I see how hard it is for him in general life outside of the house I wouldn't hesitate. The rest of the world doesn't care that he is different, just someone to pick on and as he is HFA he has enough awareness to know what is going on.

If it were available, and up to me, I would cure my girlfriend's son Billy in a heartbeat.

I have major depression, dyslexia, and OCD. Given how difficult my life has been and how hard it has been to get ahead, I would cure myself if I had the option, or wanted my parents to cure me.

Billy is going to need every advantage to be successful and happy in life, without being a lifelong burden to his mother and I. Reading the Aspie board about work and careers, they have a lot of problems in the corporate world. Given Billy's personality and Aspie traits, he is going to have to work EXTREMELY hard to overcome his disability in order to be a success. I'm not sure he will be able to, but his mother and I will do everything we can to help him succeed. Still, might not be enough.

So yes, I would cure him if I could. Without question.