Bike Riding and Safety

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I only posted here once before, so you may not rememebr me. I am the mother of male/female fraternal twins who are turning 19 in a couple of days. Both are strongly suspected to have ASD's. During the school year, they are away at college, so we cannot control what they do, what time they go out etc. But now it is summer so they are living at just like they did in grade school and high school.

My son failed his drivers test, so he can't get a license yet. He still has to use a bike as a main means of transportation. Mostly he comes home aroung 9:30. However last night, he wanted to go out at 11 PM. My husband saw him walking down the stairs with shoes in his hands. He told me and we rushed downstairs. He told us that he wanted to ride his bike to 7-11 which is about 7 blocks from our house. We spent the next half hour pleading with him. It quickly turned into a shouting match. "How old am I?" he asked. "I'm almost 19. At my age my parents can't not let me do stuff I wanna do."

We told him age doesn't matter. We live in big city (Philadelphia) and it's dangerous to out at night. We told him stories about people who had been mugged/shot while being out at 11 and later. He still insisted that we were going too far. When he walked to the door, my husband physically grabbed him so that he couldn't go out. Finally, my son agreed to let me drive him to 7-11. I am wondering, was this OK? Was it right for my husband to go to such lengths to keep an almost 19-year-old from riding his bike at night? Or was my son right when he said he is too old for his parents to tell him that he's not allowed to do certain stuff?

Debatable.

You were using common sense and it is perfectly understandable why you wouldn't want that.

On the other hand, he probably wanted it as a bit of freedom. To show he could function on his own and doesn't need to clutch your skirts anymore.

This really depends on where you are in Philadelphia - there are parts where it really is dangerous to be out at that hour, especially on a bicycle, and there are parts where it really isn't. You know your neighborhood. If it's really about safety, you need to discuss the difference between where you live and where he goes to school - sometimes young adults forget those nuances. Does your husband go out on foot at those hours? Do your adult friends? The real issue that you need to address is whether your son feels like he's being treated like a child. If you would have cautioned your visiting adult relatives the same way, you need to make that clear to your son ... that this is not about his youth, that it is about safety, and it would be a caution you would forcefully voice to anyone in your home, not just him.

The second part is that people his age feel very trapped when they are living in their parents' homes, particularly after being away at college. His inability to drive increases that feeling. Does his sister have her license? I'm a twin, and my sister got her license before I got mine. When we wanted to go somewhere, she drove. Consequently, I didn't feel as trapped as I otherwise would have. If your children are close, perhaps she can do some of the driving, so he can get away without feeling like his parents are always chauffeuring him?

Nineteen or not, when he stays in your home, he has to follow your rules.

But it is most certainly worth getting him to understand your concerns so that he can apply more common sense when he is not under your control. I would discuss it with him when he isn't in the situation, and is able to see it all more objectively.

When he isn't in your home, because of his age, he can do what he wants.

When I was a kid I lived in a "Norman Rockwell" small town in the American Midwest.

At the age of seven I rode my bike to school and all over town, even after dark.

These days? Well that is another story isn't it?

A difficult question. You should look at the behaviour of other people; do they go out on their own?
Are there certain routes that are more safe then others? Can he avoid certain areas. Is he a bit street wise? But you should not keep him home, if it is about your personal uncertainties.

One of my personal concerns is his bike. Does it has reflective elements and does it have a light on it? That highly increases his visibility and avoids traffic hitting him.