When/How to tell your child

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he has Aspergers? My son is 4 and will be starting PPCD pre-k in a couple of weeks. I think he needs to know but how can he possibly comprehend this info at his age?? TIA!!

Well, I didn't know I had it until age 49, so I'm not sure what age is best to understand it as a kid, but four is too soon for him to be able to even comprehend it. It'll come up, believe me - AS will affect so many activities and interactions in his life, there will be plenty of opportunities to say "well, the reason that feels harder for you than it seems to be for the other kids, is..."

Just be sure that you never make it seem like a disease. It's an atypical ('different') brain function. That's really not such an awful thing - chances are he'll always be somewhat smarter than his peer group. And when he knows about a subject, he'll know all about that subject. It's a handicap in some ways, to be sure, but the social issues will make him feel odd-man-out enough without being made to feel that he's mentally defective. There are parents out there who seem horrified that their child is anything less than what they consider perfect, and it can be very damaging to transmit that kind of disappointment to a child.

you should tell him the same way you teach other things

teach parts of what he has as he is able to understand that part of aspergers

i would teach him most when he is 7 and explain things until then as he sees things is different with him

Don't worry, this thread comes up a lot.

So, in order to save time, I will just cut and paste what I posted in the previous thread:

For the most part, what you need to focus on is mostly conveying this information to your child:

1. Everybody is unique and has their mind work in a different way. No two people think exactly alike. You think differently than he does, his father thinks differently then you, his siblings think differently, etc.

2. Nobody's mind is any better or worse then somebody else's mind. Some people may be good at math, some people may have difficulty with it. Some people may be good at talking, others may struggle with it. Since everybody has a different mind, everybody will have their own unique set of skills and challenges. But that doesn't mean that one person's mind is better or another's mind is worse. Everybody is equally valuable, not because of what they can and cannot do well, but because they are all human.

3. Certain people have similar thinking styles. While they are not exactly the same, they do share some things in common. There are some groups of people that think in certain ways, and other groups of people who think in other ways. One group is not better than the other, merely different. It is like cats and dogs. Each and every dog is unique. It has its own style of fur, its own size, its own unique personality. Likewise, every cat is unique. It has it's own size, and shape, and color pattern that no other cat has. But even though each creature is unique, you can group them into somewhat similar categories. For example, you can determine what is a cat, and what is a dog. This doesn't make them any less unique, these are just very broad categories.

4. Your son happens to have a mind that belongs in a rare category. His mind operates differently then most people's. Like being a cat in an area with a lot of dogs. It isn't a bad mind, just merely different then others. There is nobody who is exactly like him, but there are other people who are similar. Its just that people with his type of mind make up a very small portion of humanity.

5. While there is nothing wrong with being unusual, it can make interacting with other people tricky. Just as a cat and a dog have difficulty understanding each other, so your son might have some difficulty understanding people with the normal, less rare, minds. Tell him that you can help with this by explaining in some ways how other people think. And that you are available if he has any questions about the normal people.

As far as using the words, autism, or asperger’s syndrome, they really don’t matter. They are just words made up by professionals to sort people into categories. He doesnt need to know about the history of the diagnosis, or the implications, or anything like that at age 4. What he needs to know right now is that different people think differently, and that isnt a bad thing. It just may create some confusion, and he should be aware of that.

Over time, as he matures, you can go into more and more details. But for now, I think that is all you need to worry about.

Thank you for the replies!!

I was told when I was about 12 years old.

This does come up a lot Glad you have it ready to copy and go, Tracker!

In this case the age, 4, makes it more complex. 7 and up I have no problem, I totally believe they should know. But at 4 I'm not sure what I would have done ... my son wasn't diagnosed at that age, so it wasn't an option.

I guess I would probably have used the same criteria as I did when he was 7, and thinking back makes me realize I would have told him. He was already aware that he was different, and it was for that reason I told him when he was 7 exactly what we were doing getting the assessment and why. He's always bought fully into it; I think it was actually a relief, for him, to have an answer as to what made him different.

For now just tell him that the doctors think his brain works a bit differently, and tell him something he is better at than most people (eg. jigsaws, numbers etc.) and something that he will find harder (eg. knowing how to make friends). Once you introduce the concept of his brain working differently, you can then build on it as he gets older, with additional information.

Forget about the word "Aspergers" for now. It is more important that he understands what it is than what it is called.

My son found out when I found out. He was 7 at the time. It wasn't even a big deal to him and it's still not. He already knew he was different. When he got the "label", he was thrilled that there were so many other people out there like himself. Without the label, I think he thought he was the only one.

At age 4, I think I would wait to tell. There's no rush. At school, the kids didn't tease my son until the second grade and then I did have to start homeschooling him.

My mom told me when I was 20. LOL
I was sort of clueless though, I mean.. I was sent to a "special" school for several years and never even wondered about it.
Maybe you should tell him when he starts to wonder about it, if he does?
Or else, I think waiting 'till later would be good, so he doesn't grow up feeling like there's a real line draw that makes him tangibly different.

But maybe other people would say the opposite, like I think I saw someone say that it was a relief to know there's a line and they're not just stupid or something.

Yah, I've noticed several people calling it a disease on this forum and it makes me cringe! Yikes! I think it's an evolutionary step for humanity, LOL.

But at the age of 4, it means nothing to him yet. I suggest using the word and giving it a positive spin every time. "You're extra special because you're brain works better, like Mr. Spock!" LOL Or whatever, just always be positive about his uniqueness and how being on the spectrum usually means he can see the world in a totally different way than those "normal" people and that it's very special because we need people who can see things differently. Otherwise we wouldn't ever have had Einstein, Newton, Socrates, etc...

I dunno how to do it, it'll probably come to you, but letting other adults know about it, and helping them understand where your kid is coming from will usually make them more accepting, which catches on with the kids. Then hopefully those people around you and your child will all be comfortable with him, making him comfortable with himself. Some adults can't do this, then just keep them away. I love my best friend, but she couldn't do it, LOL, so until my kids were old enough, I kinda kept watch that she didn't bother them, without her knowing it. Some family members can be the hardest "you should just do this and that, that'll straighten him out" Yah... keep those away too, and never let them get to you

Oh, and one more wonderful thing about aspies: If they have good self esteem, and some school kids go trying to insult them, often, they don't realize they're being insulted, and will say something to the effect that "what you said make no logical sense" And they aren't hurt (they are only hurt with direct threats "I'm gonna hurt you" ) So in many ways, an aspie with self confidence is almost invincible. (they're tougher than we sometimes think )