Kid newly diagnosed - his step-dad thinks it's an "excu

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Hi everyone and thanks for being here. I've been lurking quite a bit. My 9 yo has just been diagnosed with PDD-NOS and he's the light of my life and the bane of my existance! We live with my husband, his step-dad, who is a wonderful, sensitive, educated man. But he has 2 aggravatingly easy sons, teens and he's a little old-fashioned. Long story short, he loves my son and allows me to do the discipline. My son has melt-downs, throws things, breaks things, curses and threstens. He has kicked me, and the other day he threw a board with a big nail in it at his step-dad. I am new at knowing how to deal with this, but my instincts have been telling me to be realistic and calm with my reactions. Step-dad, understandably, thinks that I should be much more strict and strong with punishment. I do take away his "screens" which to him is life, but grounding him makes no sense since he tends to isolate anyway. Obviously hitting him is not an option. I feel that my husband is not accepting of the diagnosis and thinks my son is manipulating us. He is very very smart and does have the ability to do this I believe, but how to know when this is happening or not??? Anybody relate? Ahhhhhhhhhh!

It's come up before and yes, in some cases some kids and even some adults cope by "using" the excuse of being AS. It is not beyond an aspie to use manipulation to get what they want.

All in all your husband sounds like an understanding, caring man. Mixed families can often be hard, even in the best of citcumstances. Everyone just has a slightly different way they perceive and want to handle things.

Take a step back and let your husbands perspective sink in. That doesn't mean that you have to accept that his way is 100% right. But listen to him, and understand, that your perspective is colored a bit too because you are the birth parent.

Believe me, I've been through this whole mixed family parenting thing & it isn't always easy. If you try to be a little tougher I bet your husband will try to be a little softer.

Hi! I have to say I 'feel' ya... My son, who is 8 1/2, was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome at 4 1/2. In spite of the fact that everyone in our family is aware of his diagnosis, there are folks who expect that he should have 'grown out of it' by now and that we just don't bother to discipline him. Mostly everyone is understanding of his quirkyness and behavior issues, and those who really care aren't afraid to ask questions and get information. I did, however, have to terminate my relationship with one of my aunts this past summer because she made it clear she thinks my son purposely targets people with his meltdowns just to get sympathy. She made a complete fool of herself with a little tirade about all the things she thinks he should know or be able to do by now... what she did - and doesn't realize it because she thinks she's too smart to actually learn anything about Asperger - is define Asperger. Her belief is that I'm just not "teaching him manners." He expresses himself with complete candor and no filter. Most people have learned to deal with that and realize that he isn't ever malicious, just honest. She's not the kind of person who can handle a whole lot of honesty, so she and he just aren't a great combination. I think your instincts are right on - you know that conventional discipline doesn't work with spectrum kids, and that calm, realistic, rational responses are what's needed. After my son has a meltdown he's always very sorry and we spend a lot of time discussing ways he can try to handle things better. We also spend a lot of time discussing his social gaffes and why certain things shouldn't be said in certain situations. We do that even though he's not at a point where he can always generalize social rules or stop himself from melting down. We also remove privilages in some situations in order to help him understand that some behaviors have consequences no matter the reason behind them. That's how the real world works. He does social skills and emotional management work with his therapy team at school but people like my aunt don't understand that it isn't a simple thing for him to generalize what he learns. It's not always easy to stay calm and patient even when you know what your kid is up against - all we can do is do our best and let them know that we love them no matter what and that they have at least one person who gets it....

You've probably tried this already but I think you should try to have a one to one chat with your son and see if he can be honest with you about how he is feeling and what is causing to the violent outbursts.

I often find it really hard to express how I feel so maybe it's just worth putting some time into it and also treating your son in the most mature way possible.

I'm 31 and even now I find it hard to tell my Mum everything about how I'm feeling.

If you're really patient you might be able to come to an agreement where maybe he can learn to control himself better.

Also trying to treat him as mature as possible will probably get the best response.

My Mum usually has to talk to me loads of times to get to the bottom of really deep issues.

Sam x

Sometimes I think it's hard for parents to understand their kids. My husband gets better over time, but I feel that I work with him just as much as I work with my son and it's frustrating and exhausting, and my husband is most likely AS himself. AS is hard to understand, and you cannot go at these kids directly, all that does is cause more anxiety because they don't understand. Keep doing what you are doing.

You will hear that they are manipulating you, that you let them get away with murder, you don't discipline etc etc. You will get used to that, but you know your child and what works for them and what doesn't. I give my husband concrete examples, point out how I deal with him and how it is working, and I give him as much information as I can. Maybe you can try a support group if you can find one. It helps to hear that other parents are doing the same kinds of things with their spectrum kids and it may validate you more and make it easier for your family.

The one best way to deal with and stop the behavior you are seeing is to find the triggers and mitigate them. Something is stressing the child out, and he is reacting to it. Mitigate the stress, and he'll stop reacting.

AS kids are not in control when they meltdown; asking them to control themselves in that situation is futile. What you CAN ask your son to do is learn to recognize the build up that might lead to a meltdown, and to express that to you. When an AS child tells you, "I can't handle this, I'm going to melt down" you take it 100% seriously. Is it possible some kids may try to use this as a way to get out of situations they don't want to be in? In theory, yes. But my son's eyes change as he nears a meltdown, and I truly believe that I would know. He isn't THAT good an actor. Watch the eyes and the mannerisms; you'll know the difference. The more stressed out my son is, the more glossy the eyes become, and the more agitated the movements, and the stronger the need to gain control of the environment.

And do NOT take away his self-calming mechanisms. My son is a pacer; other AS kids like to swing or jump; most have something physical they like to do. I've heard many say they use the computer as a self-calming tool, but I have mixed feelings about that; I honestly believe stimming and motion are what most find effective. Home should be the free place, to act all weird and quirky, because that is how they destress. The proof will be in the results. I'm sure your husband will happilly trade some annoying stims for no meltdowns, and that really is the choice, we discovered.

The curse of AS is appearing so capable when so many areas of skill are lacking. The uneveness of it is perplexing, but very real to those of us who live with it. If you have component IQ scores, show them to your husband; nothing shows the complexity more than staring at an 80 IQ component next to a 150 IQ component, and that is perfectly "normal" for an AS child. The disparity applies to every skill the child has to learn in life.

Beyond all that, I don't know what you say to someone who doesn't believe in the diagnosis. Except, maybe, long run, when they see that your weird parenting methods actually work. That is what my family has figured out over time; my son is thriving, he's a joy to be around, and sure there are things he just can't do, but they "get" it now.

Hi,

Welcome to WrongPlanet. I totaly understand your situation. I wonder if you, your son and your husband could have a little family therapy. I know when my child was first diagnosed it was really hard on me emotionally. I really felt a loss for the life I thought my child was going to have. My husband still struggles with this at times. He feels guilty some how. Sometimes a nonfamily member can provide a perspective the is healing and helpful. So many things we deal with, with our children are things that we can "fix" ie. (they have an illness so I take them to the doctor and get medicine and it's fixed). I wonder if you husband would like to "fix" this situation--he wouldn't be the first. With Autism we try to deal with it as best we can but to fix it is unlikely. Does this make sense? Anyway, good luck, hang out here I find it helps me.