I feel like crying

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Well, ditto. I haven't got one kid out of three who could put up with "cricle time" in the kindergym classes around here. I'm hesitating over signing up for another for my youngest this Fall.

My oldest just didn't seem to be able to bridle her enthusiasm and would pop up from the group in her eagerness to give her answer directly to the teacher if a question was asked. If I tried to get her to sit with me, she would squirm or creep away, so I had to try letting her sit in the middle with several other children, and she had to be told to sit over and over.

My son seemed to have no inkling at all of why anyone would be fool enough to sit around listening to crap when there were toys around. There was just nothing in it for him. When they got up and did dances, he stood a good chance of injuring someone once he got going.

The youngest for reasons I still can't reckon out seems to panic under the pressure of sitting in the circle and tries to escape! I mean it, she really got freaked out sometimes and would fight me, just like the other two did, but unlike the other two, she would scream and shriek in apparent terror if I didn't let her get away.

Considering I was always the one who was the problem as a kid, there were times when dealing with this was like trying to smile with a spear sticking in my chest. There was this sinking feeling of it all happening again. It's brutal. And my son is still struggling, with a teacher who seems to think that by the second day of school, he should be a perfect angel. I honestly don't know what she expects us to do if he with them when he misbehaves. We to teach him, but he makes the choices. And they are the ones supposed to be watching out for him at that time. But I digress.

My oldest once got asked to leave a ballet class because she didn't behave properly. My eyes watered pretty good that day. Of course, that was different... My daughter was 3, she had flopped onto her stomach instead of sitting to listen, and the teacher was a holstein from Hell. Oh, imagine a kid of 3 not sitting quietly! But I digress again.

It's been a long day.

Makes you wonder, doesn't it? For every child sitting nicely in that circle, how many tried it, didn't take to it, and never, ever came back again? Given that you don't see the kids in the later group there, how do you know how many there have been?

My wife and I somehow managed five years of Music Together with our AS son without him participating in the group. (Exception: when he was a baby and couldn't get away.) He'd just sit and spin in the corner or hide under the table while I and the other adults and kids would sit in a circle and sing the songs and participate in the activities. I remember feeling like a fool.

He still hates groups. We had to leave our small-group faith community this spring in part because he couldn't tolerate all the faces.

He does, however, sing like an angel. He wants to try out for a community children's choir (he's 8 now, BTW). He's aware that he'll be in a group, but he thinks it'll be ok because everyone will be facing the conductor, just like in school when everyone faces the teacher. So the music classes paid off, even if he couldn't handle the groups back then.

Expectations suck. I find I'd rather find out what he CAN do and base my expectations on that.

I couldn't do story time with my son either. I tried twice and never went back. I tried a movie, and was not able to do that until he was 6. I tried TBall and soccer which was a nightmare, and playdates are difficult, especially at my house...I could go on and on.

It's very heartbreaking when you have a dream of being a parent, and that dream is significantly altered by your child's neurology. You have every right to mourn the loss of that dream. There will always be things you want your child to participate in and they won't be able to. This does not change with age. I had dreams of movies and library visits, art classes and sports, public school and the PTA. I was even lucky enough not to have to work during the preschool years so I had all of the opportunities to do those things. I was not able to do movies and books until he was school age, and now I can't because he's in school, I'm at work to pay for private school and therapy and he's too old.

What you need to do is to really accept that your child is not going to live the life you want for him, and know that that's OK. That doesn't mean that he will have an awful life, just a different one. There will come a day when you will be able to do things with your child, but it will have to be what he is able and happy to do. You have to look at the way your child's brain is wired and focus on the beauty that it brings, not the difficulty. Don't get so wrapped up in what everyone else is doing, just do what your child really enjoys. When your child is happy, you will be too.

The wonderful thing about having a child like this is that the things that other people take for granted are wonderful things to you. It makes you appreciate the little things, the important things, the beautiful things. The happiest day of my life was the day my son and I had our first real conversation. It wasn't long, but it was back and forth, and he even asked a question to keep it going. We were sitting on my front porch eating oreo cookies and talking. I will never forget that day as long as I live. It was wonderful.

Hang in there!