Very Upset - Incident at school

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This is the first time I've had to deal with an unpleasant incident at school. My son (nearly 6) wanted to join the after school sports club. Even though his motor skills are not great I was pleased he wanted to join in. Well, today I got there early to pick him up because I wanted to see how he was doing (and hopefully enjoying himself). Unfortunately I saw the opposite. My son was like a lost sheep on the pitch, he seemed to have no concept of the play and was just wandering around. Then I witnessed a much older child verbally abusing my son (came over and shouted 'you idiot' in his face), because he totally missed the ball and the other side scored. The sports leader was at the other end of the pitch at the time so didn't witness it. I went straight to the headteachers office and broke down in tears. I felt so helpless that my son had to face that and it has made me so scared for what lies ahead. The school are supportive and will deal with it, but the teachers aren't going to be around to witness every incident. I am frightened, I don't want my son to be bullied. My son is bright, it won't take him long to realise if he's being bullied. Should I say anything to my son and how do I handle things with him so he doesn't get crushed?

Keep in mind that there will always be instances of bully where adults are not there to directly witness it. With that in mind, it's important for staff to take control of these situations wherever possible. Your son is very lucky to have you advocating for him.

Ahh, that sounds familiar.

In reality you cant do anything about that. If your son is going to interact with other human beings he is going to be insulted and bullied. The fact that he is uncoordinated, or different in any observable way guarantees this.

What you can do is limit his contact with other people so that he doesnt get bullied as often. It is probably a better idea to stick with smaller groups also, as in 2-3 kids. Bullying generally occurs in larger groups where people can gang up and insult the outsider. When there is only 2 people, you really can't gang up on the other person. It doesnt fix the problem entirely, but it does give your son even odds to defend himself. If he makes a mistake on a team sport the entire other team mocks him for being a bad player, and his own team is mad at him for messing up. So it turns into a 9 vs 1. When it is just 2 people playing a video game or something your son isn't being ganged up on if he makes a mistake.

We do the best we can to keep our kids in supportive environments with understanding adults, and we teach them how to respond to bullies. You can't prevent every incident, but you can take it seriously, and take your child seriously when he seems upset about something. We had mostly good experiences with sports until they got too competitive for my son's abilities, and I have to credit the community and the specific adults for that. The people around my son are generally wonderful; we focus on that, and not the few who aren't. Life will always be a mixed bag, but teach your son to find where the good outwieghs the bad and he'll be fine.

The one time my son got assigned to a poorly chosen team I remember bawling my eyes out. I count on the community to do right by him. Of course, the community did come through; my son was moved to another team the moment I said something. But that sort of incident does bring it all crashing home, how precarious the balance can be, and I remember well the feeling. We all have to deal with it eventually; just count yourself lucky to have been able to talk to someone in a position of authority who understood and cared.

The leagues my son played in were very proactive about NOT allowing this type of thing, to ANY child. Which was good. Of course, lol, the response to that has been the formation of rival "competitive" leagues, but the families in our social circle - and that includes the families of some very gifted athletes - appreciate the value of inclusiveness and have stayed with the local league.

Thanks for your comments. I had a feeling other parents would identify with this issue! I certainly was worried about him joing the sports team with older children but I thought I should not deny him the opportunity. I am concious never to underestimate my son and give him the chance to do things. However, I wonder if its too much. Its just heartbreaking because he seems out of his depth. However, the head teacher said to remain positive and if necessary next time they will put an extra supervisor on the pitch just to keep an eye my son (without making it too obvious). Funnily enough he doesn't outwardly show he's upset but I wonder if he's storing it up inside. I do usually keep him in small groups but its a fine line, because you want him to learn how to cope in these social situations. Its so tough, I know I have a few years ahead of this. Although I'm upset, I'm tough cookie and this adds to my resolve to do my best for my son. I did want to chase that other kid and give him a piece of my mind though!! !

If your son is not talented, sports will be a big disappointment for him. For me, my mom took me to basketball practice in 6th grade and she was really upset seeing me fail miserably. I would not recommend team sports for aspies unless they are good at it. Maybe try a running sport or try and a few kids who would play a laid back game where there is no pressure to score and everyone has the same ability. Having gone through basketball in 6th, 7th grades and tried soccer team as well, I don't recommend it. It did more damage than good. What worked for me was playing with two kids at the playground - a relaxed game for fun.

That makes me so sad! I know it happens all the time but it still makes me sad. I wonder if they hear that stuff at home. Sounds like you already took care of it, but I would find out what the rules are regarding verbal abuse type of stuff and talk to the coach because they can talk to the kids and make them aware that they wont tolerate that type of behavior. If not, find another sports league he can fit into. My son once was on a soccer team where I can honestly say, he was the slowest kid. He didn't seem to notice and was content do to summersaults and spins on the field when he was supposed to be playing a game. Nobody else made a big deal about it either, and although they were competitive and went far in the playoffs and everyone wanted them to win, nobody seemed to mind that he wasn't pulling his weight, so to speak. But when I put him in Upward Soccer a couple years later , which is a Christian organization, he did so well!! ! They weren't so competitive but he was making goals at every game and the other kids would say "you are the best player on our team" and they meant it. When he arrived at the game, the kids were relieved that he was there!! !! ! I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I was so happy for him! Meanwhile, after the games he is complaining that all the other kids suck and that he is the only good player. That's the PDD-NOS talking.

So if he wants to, maybe try to sign him up for a small non-competitive sports team and he will fit in a little better and have fun. That's what it's all about.

Martial arts are a good choice sportswise for Aspies, in my opinion. There is less pressure, at least there was less pressure for me, than in team sports. Though, I would say to check things out (people and type of martial art) and also most importantly ask your child if he would like it.

It was soccer that my son stuck with for years, even though he wasn't very talented. In his younger years, he was just awful, not paying any attention at all (have read the Wimpy Kid book where the boy misses blocking a goal because he's picking a dandelion? Yeah, that would have been my child, lol). But it was never obvious to him and since no one on the team bothered him about it, he kept on playing. By the last year he played, in the U12 league, he had found his role and learned to do it really well. One day when he was breaking down from the stress (the weekend had been totally crazy timing wise) the whole team was around him telling him how much they needed him. OMG, I couldn't believe it, it was a great moment for him. We had always agreed to stop no later than U12, and he went out on a solid season where he played well. I am really glad of that.

You definitely have to go into sports with eyes open and knowing what your child does or does not enjoy. My son did it mostly because his perceived friends did, and the experience was positive because of great coaches. He did T ball and softball, but that didn't last because he could SEE he was no good at it, despite the positive comments from the coach. Basketball never interested him. I confess that *I* miss having him in sports, because it is very social for the parents, but that was not why he started (my family never did sports so I had no idea I was going to like it as a parent). I am just glad we walked away with a good experience and a child who has a positive attitude towards the concept, even if he longer participates. He can talk the talk with the other kids because he played enough to know the terms, and he has friends that still play. It does take work from the parents keeping it all positive, however, and that can be true for NT kids as well. Important to know going in, I think.

My $0.02 from the "kid-who-was-in-exactly-the-same-boat" side growing up. This particular incident isn't something horrible like him getting jumped after school or a gang of kids shoving him around or name calling on a regular basis. People yell worse at sporting events. If anything, this particular instance demonstrates "in-group" behavior on the part of the older child. You should worry when there is no chiding and only angry, menacing stares (for example).



This could just as easily have happened to an NT kid who blew it. This isn't targeting your son because of his condition and is pretty minor compared to what cards life can, and will deal you two. "Bullying behavior" is a bit different; if this boy persists with ongoing verbal abuse or physically abuses your son then you should take action.

Solutions: You have lots of avenues available here. You can approach the coach, the kid, or the kid's parent and ask that the boy practices with your son by playing catch, etc. Put the older child in a 'mentor' role so that he will adopt your son as a protege rather than moving the coach or parent to discipline the boy.

Bad Ideas: If you go the 'discipline the enemy' route, you risk that the older boy thinks about revenge on your son later (this is my own experience). It is also a bad idea to move your son to a different team; he will never learn how to handle even very minor confrontations. Let him learn and grow. Step in when it is excessive and not every single time. Always talk to him to get his perception and processing. You may find you need to step in when you didn't realize it or that you need to back off when he wants to handle it himself.

We had a lot of problems with my daughter with these kinds of incidents as well. She tried gymnastics, swimming, karate...all things we thought would work for her since they are more independent. But she always ended up getting frustrated and becoming a distraction to the rest of the class. We finally found something that has done her a world of good....the TopSoccer program through the US Youth Soccer Assn. Here is a link to the list of states where they have teams:

http://www.usyouthsoccer.org/programs/20/main.html

There are a few wonderful things about this program:
-They include all children, regardless of type of disability. This has helped my daughter not only feel more comfortable about herself, but has also given her exposure to a whole range of other types of people, and led to her being more accepting of others as well as herself.
-There is NO PRESSURE. When my daughter had a slight meltdown and wrapped herself up in the soccer net and wouldn't move, everyone just kept going with the game and they put another goal net out on the field so she could have the one she had chosen to escape in...and I was allowed out on the field to help her work through the problem so she could play again
-They have numerous adult helpers on the field that help children with their motor skills and are incredibly patient and encouraging.
-They encourage fun and self esteem above all else.

Plus, it's super fun for the parents to watch. It's a whole different type of completely non competitive soccer. At any given moment a child could be on the field having a meltdown...sometimes the kids get upset because the ball didn't come to them so they add another ball to the game (I've seen as many as 8 balls in play at one time)....quite often the kids will run with everything they have in them towards the other team's goal and everyone on the sidelines cheers as loud as they can because they made the goal....sometimes the goalies decide they are tired of their position and start playing another position and that's ok (last week my daughter decided she was goalie for both teams and decided to play center at one point as well). It's really entertaining and more than anything, it's heartwarming to see these kids that have been rejected in so many other places come together in a place where they can just let loose and have fun being themselves.

This is a program I highly recommend if you have it available in your area!

ViperaAspis - Big thanks - you made me see things from a different perspective. I was ready for this child to be punished but having read your wise words I spoke to the headteacher this morning and asked her to go easy (which she said she would anyway). So, an update, today the kids from the sports club were invited in to her office today to have a 'conversation' about how well it all went yesterday (my son included in this meeting). The teacher asked whether anything happened that should not, and basically the kids said that some bad words had been said to my son. Well, up pops my son and proclaims EXACTLY what was said to him and by whom! I tell you, my boy is SMART! The boy in question admitted and apologised. An extra teacher from the school (ASD specialist) is staying late to watch my son in sports next week. This is great news. I think my son is fine about all this. I told him that some people are good at sports and some are great at reading (like him) and that I wasn't a very fast runner when I was five either.

Thanks everyone for your supportive words yesterday, they really helped me gain perspective on this. I will decide soon whether we continue with this type of sport. He seems keen to go again next week.

Eeyore - we are in the UK so we don't have this type of soccer. As you probably know, soccer is our number one sport, so there is no such thing here as non-competitive soccer! Still I'm glad it was good for your daughter.

I'm just waiting for computer club to start up again, then hopefully we can forget about sports!

Wow! That's really wonderful news. I'm so glad it worked out like that!

It was really hard for my mom, too, to disassociate herself from me when I was confronted (not picked on, mind you but just confronted). It must have taken a good deal of strength on your part to hold back and take the more diplomatic course. And now the potential bully got a chance to apologize and be accepted and approved by the group and your son got a chance to have his day too. Win-win all around.

Matt is lucky to have such a mum

Sports teams in general are very bad for children who aren't good at it. Do you know the exact reason why he wanted to join? Do you think he enjoys it at all, apart from the bahviour of the other children?

I don't see why anyone would want to put themselves up for that sort of humiliation unless they were peer pressured into wanting to join or actually enjoy it regardless of the talent and comments they get.

That's very nice that you gave him the opportunity to try something but I would keep an eye out to see if there are changes in his behaviour because of it.

All power to him if he enjoys it, but I know I hated team sports at school. It was largely a case of me running away from the ball and trying not to get hurt by what I perceived as an oncoming flurry of violence.

If he wants to do it because he wants the kind of acceptance other kids who do it get, then keep a close eye on it because he may well be disappointed. Hope he isn't, but that's the kind of thing that would happen to me. But if he continues to enjoy it without major issues then yeah, great!