An Auspie father's oberservation of raising an autistic son

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A few observations as a father of a non-verbal autistic six year old and how his diagnosis improved my life. Sounds a little odd saying it that way, but for me living with Asperger's has always been a battle of trying to blend in enough so that everyone else doesn't pick up on it. My guilty little secret for all these years, and raising my son Nicholas I can see the same aspects of my childhood. I wasn't always high functioning, the first ten years of my life are a blur when I was off in my own little world. I don't remember when I actually started feeling a need to interact with other people, and for the most part I remain largely independent and focused on solitary activities ( I admit that the eight hours both my sons are in school is usually "me" time ).

Telling everyone else that I'm okay with him being autistic without admitting to them that me myself also was also a part of the spectrum started to sound a little hypocritical after awhile. That I could love and accept him for the way he is without doing the same for myself? So on top of being stubborn and independent - we can probably add incredibly masochistic to the list. Finally I accepted it, I live with it and it doesn't make me better or worse then anyone else. Sure, it took almost thirty years to acknowledge that I'm a responsible, mature, intelligent individual but better late then never.

I've noticed that it's mostly mothers that write on this site, whether this is because males have a harder time coming to grips with the possibility that their offspring could possible be born with differences or they're less likely to write about it - I'm not sure. First of all, it's obvious that all of you are concerned with the raising and understanding of your children. Naturally, this would sound like a naive statement because usually that's automatically assumed to be the role of motherhood irregardless if the children are autistic, neuro-typical, or "differently able". However, considering my upbringing of being almost totally ignored by both my parents - I can't stress enough how much your determination and caring will impact your childrens lives. It may not be noticeable now, but down the road it does make a difference.

Anyway, a little bit of a tangent there, back to Nicholas. He loves the outdoors, any body of water from puddles to small lakes will keep him vastly entertained for hours, and mimicking the sounds of animals. I've found myself actually WANTING to get out of my house, I've made real life friends for the first time in eight years, and while I can pretend that I'm doing all this to help him get all that pent up energy out - helping him inadvertedly aids me with my own social difficulties. I changed my work schedule so that I work only three days a week, longer hours but the four days off in a row are well worth it! Having all that free time without having to worry about my schedule has made it easier to wake up during the random mornings he wakes up at 4 am.

I've also noticed that getting him out has decreased his outbursts. The only public location that really causes a meltdown is the Pediatrician's office - and I don't blame him, I can't stand doctors either. As for the grocery store or other places that involve total strangers, he's usually content to ignore people. Again, this doesn't surprise me because I'm the same way. I'm annoyed by Wal-mart clerks asking me "how may I help you?", if I needed help... I WOULD ASK.

He does notice animals, although his lack of fear around them makes me a bit hesitate of getting pets for our house. I pity our friends dog because Nicky's idea of patting involves either running up the dog and pinching it or trying to pull on it's tail. Thank god the dog is friendly, all he does if give a rather sorrowful pout like he's saying "why me?" My friend's cat tends to disappear after the initial pinch, which shows cats have a bit more common sense.

These little things have also lead me to some rather introspective moments of my childhood. Thinking back, my parents never took me anywhere - once in a blue moon we might have gone to a restaurant but that was about it. They were always busy it seemed like. So wrapped up in work or unwinding in front of the television that while I didn't demand attention from them they didn't go to great lengths to be involved in my life. Which sounds rather whiny, but think about it - there's a difference between working for a living and actually living. Taking Nicky for a walk around the neighborhood listening to him sing incomprehensible songs ( it sounds like oooooiee ooooooooiiiiee oooooooooiiie, which he'll do for as long as it amuses him ), it dawns on me that I never did something this simple with my father. My older brother was the one that was stuck with the babysitting role, walking me to elementary school or the various playgrounds.

All this time of wondering if I am good dad and I realize that while I'm not perfect I'm at least trying. All these relatively simple sounding activities don't sound like much but they're better then doing nothing. So to all the mothers and fathers posting: don't worry so much about being over protective, over concerned, and over zealous towards your kids. It's far better then ignoring the problem and doing nothing.

That was a lovely post. Thank you for sharing.

As to this question,

the answer is, I believe, fairly simple. As my husband pointed out years ago, following some article he read, men tend to use the internet as a tool, to gather information and accomplish tasks. He has zero interest in discussion forums of any type. Women tend to use the internet socially, to interact and converse. Thus, overall, discussion forums draw more women. This one is a little different because of the topic, but the general rule still applies, it seems. We are more likely to see dad's with a single post, maybe a "thank you, I've read here, appreciate the great information" and more likely to see women stick around and become part of the community. We love having the dad's, though, so I hope you'll stick around

I post here and there in various sites and have noticed that the more popular of "social networking" sites tend to focus more on applications then people actually writing. I joined up with WP about a month ago and have been fairly impressed with the responses - they tend to be more then the usual one or two liners I've seen on Facebook and Myspace. Also, I've found it refreshing that I can be bluntly honest in here. I only wish I've found this forum sooner since it's been very relaxing to be able to express myself to those that know what it's like to grow up Auspie.

I'll try to post more often in the Parent's Discussion, I usually lurk the In-Depth Adult Life one (although, I'm a few months shy of 30 but I won't tell anyone if you don't. )

I agree with DW, that was a really nice post. Thanks so much for sharing.

As for the discrepancy between moms and dads posting, I am a born problem solver...state the problem, solve the puzzle, move on. That's how I am and that's how I make my living. But I've had to learn the hard way that humans are the most puzzling of creatures, and are not simply "problems to be solved." Most of the time in dealing with humans, the problem is ME, and the solution is something like "chill out Dave, you can't change other people." All this is to say that I appreciate participating here because I get a variety of perspectives that help me think about how I can be a better person. So I am probably somewhat of an outlier when it comes to normal parents and even more of an outlier when compared to most NTs. At least, that's how I perceive the world.

There was one thing in your post I wanted address directly:

No need to wonder if you are a good dad, the proof is in what you do. What matters most is that you spend quality time with your child. Don't ever stop doing this.

Welcome to WP!

bob 42, thanks for that post, I read all of it.

I lurk here every once in a while looking for posts like yours, from fathers. Ironically, this is my only other post beside my 'thank you for the info/support post' so I will make a mental note to come on here and vent and maybe share some of my insights, which someone else might in turn be looking for.

It's been a year since my son's diagnosis, and by extension, my self diagnosis/realization.
Like you said I realize some of the things he's going through because I've lived them, and somehow it makes it a little easier knowing he will cope like I do, with the exception of knowing
what he faces, instead of going it alone, and trying to hide it from others, he has a great
support group in the immediate family and therapists. I feel like I wasted a lot of time fitting in
and copying others, and just feeling like it was harder for me to do things that seemed to come so easily to others, like I worked twice as hard for things others took for granted.

By the time I was in my early twenties, I had it mastered, and had relationships, friends
a good job, but I still felt the need to put up a front whenever facing the world. Never let them see you sweat was my motto, no matter what's going on inside.

By my thirties, the front had actually become me, and my autistic side repressed, only to
surface in times of introspect or stress (which was rare from 20 to 30 for me).

When Luke was diagnosed, it was a complete outpouring of emotions, I'm talking the whole range here, sort of a breakdown for me, which I thought was out of character for me.
Taking time to really think, however, I realized it was out of character for the personality I'd
made up, and now, a year later, I'm still putting things together and realizing some of the character 'flaws' I've hidden from people all these years are what make me who I REALLY am.

Wow, that sounds kind of nuts, but it felt good writing it, and I'm going to make sure Luke
is true to himself, no matter what people think. People come and go, but no matter how long you put up the front, eventually you'll have to face yourself like I did.

Sorry for hijacking your post,

My son sounds a lot like yours, non verbal at almost 4, and he also loves water any way he can get it. You sound like a great father.

I can relate to this since it seems like despite my best attempts to sweep my character "flaws" under the rug when associating with co-workers there are some aspects that not only I can't hide but it doesn't even occur to me to shelter others from them. For instance: after knowing some of my co-workers for a year (or longer) the possibility of visiting them outside of work just to goof off hasn't become an option until I thought of how much fun Nicky would have to explore other people's houses.

There's quite a difference between telling my friends my son is autistic and bringing him over there so they can see firsthand. Whether or not they can appreciate the difficulty I went through to muster up the courage to be social enough to get out of the house, I think yes because it seems like they've been rather patient. Letting me take my time to advance the friendships from solely work-related to outside of work. The irony here is I took months to get to know them while Nicky has no reservations - tell him we're going for a car-ride and he's ready trying to get the door open.

They're fascinated by my son, Jen sat and watched him open and close her window shutters for a good half hour trying to determine if there was a pattern behind it. Michelle showed off the chandelier by dimming it down and up while he clapped. His good mood is contagious, and I'm glad that they weren't attempting to prevent him from roaming where ever he felt like or playing with every single light switch in their houses.

Again, it seems like all this time I've been hiding myself when in actuality the friends I do have are far more understanding then I've previously given them credit for. This is more due to my upbringing, which lead to about a decade of depression, mistrust, and the perpetual anxiousness of being around other people. I don't remember when it dawned on me that I was responsible for making myself continue to feel this way. Like it was a favorite coat that I wore more out of habit then necessity. The people that used to make me miserable because of my condition are cut out of my life, on the other side of the country, and have absolutely no influence on me anymore.

My son fortunately has the opportunities that I never had. He's in a specialized school, he has support, and a pediatrician that is refusing to medicate him because he sees NO NEED to! Which was a relief to me because I don't want my son living off medications to reduce him to a zombie state. He has support, therapy, and understanding. Very rarely he has said a couple words, purely out of nowhere - so it's not a matter of not being able to talk, I think it's more of a matter of he'll talk when he feels a need to. While we can introduce the concept of language, implementing the concept that vocalizing as an alternative to the means he already does communicate - I guess what I'm saying is the best I can hope for is that school and my efforts can only lay down the foundation. What he builds onto it... only time can tell.

Beautiful post! I felt the love you feel for your son when I read your words and I agree it is the little things that you do with your child that makes all the difference.Times when my dad would take me fishing or times my mom made cinnamon rolls with her is what I remember the most of my childhood.My 3 year old son was just diagnosed and I have been having a hard time.The "unknown" really bothers me.Your post was encouraging!

Thanks for the post. As a parent, I am always feeling I'm not doing enough for my child. It stresses me out especially when I see my child regress. I also have a neuro-typical 4 year old girl as well which also demands a lot of my attention and feels left out at times. It is such a struggle. It helps when I read a post like yours to make me sit back and realize that I *AM" doing my best to help him. You sound like the most wonderful father because you completely understand your son and accept him for who he is, I think that's the most important thing.

We were given some very valuable advice from my sons Psychologist when he was only 2yrs (when he was starting to show some asd traits). She advised us to bring our son anywhere and everywhere, to get him out there in the community while he is young. We brought him to every zoo, fun park, kids adventure places, and also to places like the forest, the beach etc. etc.

It was really wonderful advice, my son is now 5yrs has a diagnosis of AS, but does have some language difficulty. But he is very like your son, he LOVES to get out there and explore life. He loves a challenge, and is mostly flexible with change, new routines etc. I often put it down to the amount of "work" we did in the early years, exposing him to all sorts of life, and people. He doesnt get stressed when out at a party or shopping mall etc. I guess like you, and your son, he is able to just 'block out/ignore' the things that do not interest him, so it may be a great 'coping' skill that he has gained ??

Sounds like your son loves you very much, and is really enjoying your time together. Nice for you to become part of the community too. Enjoy your journey together x

I'm pretty sure it's because mothers tend to do much more of the child care than do fathers.

Hi everyone,

This is a thoughtful thread, i was going for the introduction thread, but find this one more appropriate.

I'm a home dad with two sons, one with ASD (5 yrs) and one non-ASD (4 yrs). There's 10 months 3 weeks between the kids. We are also expecting our third baby in June 2010.

I read with interest the thread and can relate with most comments. In my case I have been learning, understanding and accepting my role as a husband and dad. I'm no different than many fathers, i worry about both my son's development. Both sons are generally treated equally, although their sibling and indvidual needs are met. For example, they both go to the same Kinda school but in different classes and time (logistical nightmare!). The reason, both have a right to their individual space and friends. Unfortunately for me, they are complete opposites in personality, like and dislikes. Although I think there is a conspiracy theory a foot. I'm sure they plan, scheme and have their malicious fun sith me - as most kids do...lol.

My son's are both typical happy kids, ok one has ASD but this is not a problem allowences are made - at times frustrating. I think forums are essential not only to share between parents but listen to older autistic kids. They have a depth of knowledge which can help parents understand further how your kid may prosper and grow.

Best wishes