Happy lives for AS individuals?

Post Reply New Topic

You're always welcome...

Bingo.
The problem with my mother was she was ashamed of me. I am intersex and I have an ASD. I was a weird kid, make no mistake, but there is no excuse of what I had to go through as a child. They have never been that supportive of what I did, outside of the fact they wanted me to go to college. When I went into Law School they became less supportive (I was the first person in my family with an advanced degree). They were not supportive of how I developed in my adult life.

Alot of the problems also come from school. I will tell you right now...my recommendation for parents is the minute you find out your child is being bullied take it VERY seriously, and if that means keeping an extremely agressive litigator of an attorney on retainer so be it. One of the things I fault my parents with is waiting until it was too late to take what was happening to me in school seriously, it took me being tortured and raped several times to take things seriously. I am sorry bullying is unacceptable...period. If it takes other parents of other children fearing the sight of you so be it. Your world should revolve around your CHILD and protecting them, NOT the neighbors or other parents perceptions of you.

The other thing is FORCING me to do social things including family things. I am sorry what may be a social obligation really is not. There is no such thing as a social obligation involving family I have to go to. Once again, your world should revolve around YOUR CHILD, not your precious social life. If the kid can't handle being around parties...don't take him or leave early. Sorry if I sound unsympathetic, this is not a NT child, if things are not going to work, and you know they are not going to work...why are you doing them.

Lastly my parents were physically abusive until I was 18, and emotionally abusive until I cut off contact.

I should note this...and note it as a WARNING to you parents. I disowned my parents, I don't talk to them. You have to EARN the love of your child. Its best you think about punishments, its not a good idea to get on the bad side of somebody with a memory much better than yours. The things you do in our lives add up...the more "ashamed" the more "embaressed" you are, the more you punish...the more likely you will end up with a child who hates you. We do not distinguish as much between blood and just friends. Love is earned...some of you...its pretty clear...earn the love, you adjust to your childs needs. Others it seems are on the same path as my parents.

So yeah, those with a chip on our shoulder have it for a reason.

By the way, I am perfectly happy in my life, I have a great boyfriend who is understanding. But make no mistake, I saw my family as disposable, and that is exactly what I did to them. But do I harbor deep bitterness for my parents which is perfectly well earned on thier part...you bet.

You have to do three things if your children if they have ASD...1. Accept them (no shame, no embaressment, and accepting thier interests), 2. Adapt to them (this may include dropping social activities when they can't do them, or leaving early if it necessiates it), 3. Protect them (by all legal means necessary). They are not going to figure out why thier bullied naturally if they are and do not have the tools to deflect it. If this means making sure the parents of the bullies end up homeless and poor so be it. This should be a priority, because whether you acknowledge it or not they are at risk and don't handle teasing, bullying, etc the same way as NT kids. It puts them at danger, incredible danger, because it just grows worse. Once you are a target and you have an ASD you remain a target. Until YOU AS PARENTS intervene in a serious way.

Last edited by starygrrl on 06 Nov 2009, 9:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

Don't force him into mainstream society. My parents tried to do that to me, and it made me hate mainstream society that much more.

Without being forced into mainstream society, one can still help someone learn social skills that they may need in the future. Just gently.

In my experience, many with AS are unhappy because they haven't really gotten over the fact that they were bullied as children.

People with AS will be bullied, it's inevitable. However, there are two different directions that parents and the schools can take.

1) Tell the AS child to emulate those that bully them

This tends to happen a lot, perhaps even now moreso than ever. Many "social skills training" courses try to teach AS children to become friends with the other children, many of whom are tormenting them, by copying their habits. Segregating the AS children into special ed programs also enforces the belief that the bullying children are "superior" to the AS children, as they aren't in a "ret*d" class. This typically results in rock-bottom self-esteem, and more severe problems with social interaction later in life.

2) Tell the AS child to NOT emulate those that bully them

This is the approach that I was generally raised with, as well as a few other with AS that I know. The general idea was that the children who spent all of their time "hanging out" and teasing others for having large vocabularies were essentially losers. Nothing mattered less than who your friends were in elementary school. Given the growing divide between the young adults who will become the "haves" and the rest who will become the "have-nots", it's best not to get attached too early. Perhaps in the "olden days" it was possible to maintain early friendships for life due to Grade 12 being a sufficient education, but pressure to perform is higher than ever. Do you really want to be dragged down by all of these "cool kids", who will be ringing up groceries until they retire?

While accepting your child as they are is a noble idea, complacency with poor behaviour and underacheivment isn't exactly a good thing. If anything, it doesn't show true "acceptance". In most cases, it really comes off as more of an "Oh, well. My kid isn't capable of doing these things, so I shouldn't even try."

This advice might not be very popular, but the most successful people with AS that I know had parents who didn't put much emphasis on quantity of friends, but still fully expected their child to know the difference between good performance and bad performance, both in social situations, and in life.

I guess I define happiness in a diffrent way then alot of other people. Having alot of shallow friendships and being the star of a party doesn't make my list. Having passion in life and being able to spend part of your time in pursuit of your passions weather it's for art or trains or what ever floats your boat. Having only people around you that treat you with kindness and repect even if it's just one of two others. Having a roof over ones head and food in the kitchen. Those are it for me thats what I want for my kids. I think I've got them on the path to have those things in their lifes.

I was always encouraged to ignore bullies, and told that their actions reflected on them, not me, and that there was nothing wrong with me to cause it. Its a line I think a lot of children hear. It worked. Bullying still hurt badly, but I am here and happy today.

Also regarding discipline, my parents usually explained why what I had done was wrong. If I was punished, it was very small punishments. Nothing that I ever resented for more than a few angry minutes. They never raised a hand at me either thankfully.

I look back on my childhood as a pit of despair and misery. I was never diagnosed with an ASD so it was just me being misunderstood all the time. I was put in a place for disruptive children when I was 9 and forced to socialize (dance, play games, do this, that and the other) when all I wanted to do was sit quietly and read. I would throw up often on my way there in the car. Some would have to sleep there overnight but thankfully my parents knew me better than making me do that and eventualy took me out of that place entirely. I still have disturbing thoughts about my time spent there. I DID have an evaluation by a psychologist who worked there who recommended one to one help for me instead of group situations all the time but that was ignored basically.

They'd make me go in a playground and go on swings and slides repeatedly until I pretended I enjoyed it. I hated it. I never had a good sense of balance and never liked feeling unsteady like that. They'd call me an old man and say I should enjoy myself more.

As a result I developed crippling obsessive compulsive disorder which I have had to fight against ever since. This is something I've had to deal with as a direct result of careless adults who didn't try to understand me. During my teenage years this was so bad I couldn't leave the house and I eventually got well enough to accept a little home schooling.

Before I left I let them know in no uncertain terms that I hated it. Their response? "I thought you liked it here". I managed a bit more school as I decided that was better than the horror of this special place. After a couple of years though I'd had enough and ran out of school repeatedly. I basically withdrew totally from the world.

I was terrified of my peers and frankly, hated them for making me feel so miserable. I never knew why I felt different or wanted to do different things. I would tell people I didn't want to be in the playground and they'd say "Rubbish. I'd give anything to be back there running about!". My experience of play time was standing in a corner of the yard trying to disappear into the ground and occasionally having a football kicked at me.

It was just a state of constant anxiety. My parents would say things like "I don't want to go to work, but I have to. You have to go to school or we'll go to prison". So that's the mantra I'd give myself to get through the next awful experience.

Aspergers was just never mentioned, though someone did tell my parents I wasn't autistic, so they tell me. I didn't have a language delay so....there you go.

The advice I'd offer to parents of ASD kids? DO NOT underestimate the pain and suffering your child is capable of experiencing at the hands of everyone who doesn't understand. I truly believe most people can't imagine what it's like if they're not on the spectrum. AN early diagnosis and intervention would have changed my whole life. I can't imagine where I'd be now if I'd had that.

Just accept them as who they are. Try to fit a square peg in a round hole and you'll only damage the peg.

Thank you for this statement. I often feel I am sheltering my son based on a lot of posts on this website. I have him in a small private school that actually has a social skills class every day, and I have him in a weekly social skill group with a therapist, and I don't want to ever mainstream him. I don't think he could cope because he is so very sensitive and really wants friends badly which puts him in a difficult position, especially since he is smart enough to know when he's being picked on. When he's older he may be better equipped, but not at 8. Many people say to send your child to high school to learn to socialize, but I feel that if he wasn't prepared in some way it would be like throwing a kid in the deep end of the pool and telling them to swim or drown. That just goes against my gut, which says to home school him after 8th grade. (which is where his school ends). He is a very happy kid now, and pretty easy for the most part.

I also indulge his special interests, let him stim away if he needs to and if he wants to take his pants off at home, who cares? as long as we don't have company. I love him for who he is and other than the hurt feelings he gets from rejection from children, I wouldn't change a thing about him. (I would like to be able to kiss him, but he hates that so I kiss him when he's sleeping )

You sounds like a really great parent.

Mommy Jones.

I remember my mom teaching me simple things painstakingly. She arranged playdates for me, taught me how to behave, pointed out when I did things wrong very gently, and taught me again.

She was infinite patience, since we had no idea I was an Aspie back then, I was just different. Not Cool, and not very socially skilled in some ways.

Having the social skills are important for future groups, jobs, friends etc. Especially since he DOES want to socialise. So he'll need to learn the skills. But he doesn't have to learn them in ways that hurt him.

My plan is to send my girl into mainstream school (she has no diagnosis too young) but if she is ever bullied and it is not dealt with immediately, or picked on by a teacher, I'll whisk her out of the school so fast their heads will spin. And homeschool her.

I firmly believe that putting a child in a situation where their social confidence is being irreparably damaged by bullying/exclusion is FAR worse than having them in no school or a different school where at least they will be willing to try this social thing again..

This is kind of where I am with regard to high school. If he really wanted to go, he can go. If he EVER says he can't cope, I'm with you. Out he comes

Home education for older kids would be pretty hard. But important. I never found myself till I hit college and found societies of people with teh same interrests as me. It was AMAZING.
So I'd love any aspie kids I have who are able to get there.

I've found that I'm far happier when I can choose the amount of socializing I have to endure on a daily basis. Public school for me was one of those "grin and bear it" deals where the routine seemed rather mindless. Like a gerbil on a wheel, it was something that had to be done the consequences of which lead to the idealistic reward of "making something out of my life" after I completed the years of over filled classrooms, apathetic teachers, and the various prejudices and stupidity of the student body. It did prepare me for the joy's of work - dealing with other people for eight hours regardless of how much I can tolerate them, for the more realistic reward of a paycheck. (The reward for hard work is more work - so after throwing money at bills in the hopes they'll go away I've found that while money doesn't buy happiness it does buy me Starbucks coffee which for a few minutes is almost the same thing.)

After studying the various conversational tidbits of my co-workers, the probability of certain subject matters along with the degree of how much attention is actually required - I've found myself able to determine who I can almost totally ignore and the rare individual capable of keeping me amused. Which sounds a little cynical, I suppose, but I've found that my happiness is more dependent on what I like rather then the people that want me to like them. Or I've become extremely picky when it comes to others because I rather expend the effort on those that deserve it rather then those that would just waste my time and latch on to me to discuss every tiny little thing in their lives.

Quality over quantity - I'm much happier having figured that out, I don't beat myself up anymore over how few friends I have because I actually care about the ones I do have. My children make me happy, other people are on the back burner and this doesn't bother me anymore.

I was self diagnosed after my son was diagnosed to be on the spectrum. My childhood was unhappy. My parents, like typical Asia parents, only cares about my grades. I tried hard to meet their expectations and learned very early that I'd better keep some issues to myself. Their ignorance did make me miserable sometimes, but in the other hand, I wasn't forced to socialize with others. My parents simply didn't know that I didn't have friends. I didn't know why I was different. I just learned to cope. I hated school until I went college. Things got better in college. Perhaps the sense of independence made me more confident. I made few good friends, found a boyfriend, married after graduation.

Now I I am happily married, have a very successful career and wonderful AS boy. I still feel very unsecured all the time. I am a perfectionist, which helps my career, but also makes me suffer from depression. I feel lucky to be able to maintain a normal life, because I have been through a lot of struggle.

Wise words. Any unhappiness in my childhood all came from religious people who were 'ashamed, disgusted and disappointed' by my quirks. Thankfully I was strong, stubborn and stayed true to myself and have had a very happy life since I moved away from that outdated, judgmental world. I'm about to celebrate my 10th wedding anniversary next year, have wonderful friends, and a successful career. I'll never be normal but then that's just a setting on a dryer.