How do you disipline a child who has Asperger's?

Post Reply New Topic

Here is the link to KEYPREAL's thread in the general forum:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt116682.html

That was a good idea, the thread, KEYPREAL.

I think rather than think of it as adults vs child we should look at is as more of a person in authority who is directing someone who currently is not in authority. It is our job as parents to teach our children what they will need to function within society whether they want to learn or not. That does not have to be a torturous type of experience though.

I had to be extremely strict with my oldest because he was extremely oppositional, as he relaxes his attitude towards doing what he is asked/or told to do we have given him more freedoms. To hold a job an individual must be willing to do as he or she is asked, unless it is unreasonable (that is what HR is for after all.) and we have explained it to him in that frame of reference.

He is finally starting to understand that he cannot speak to people how ever he likes (he was quite abusive when we first got him) or behave in ways that will injure or even just really bother other people just because he wants to. As the flip side we are also teaching him to defend himself from bullying and explaining the difference between behaviors that are just part of who he is because of AS and behaviors that are mean spirited.

Not trying to be rude (if I am), but why are you talking? If he is doing something you dont want him to do, like jumping on your bed, go get him calmly and take him over to do something he is allowed to do. I dont ask my kids to do things more then once it just makes me angry and makes them tune me out and not know when to take me seriously. I feel this is true for any child ASD or not. Not only that, but if you dont have a set number of warnings used on a constant basis a child will never know when your serious and when your not. If you normally ask him 10+ times to stop jumping, he got to have fun jumping for at least 5 minutes before you stopped him.

I also wanted to add that jumping causes compressions on the joints which can feel really good to anyone with sensory problems, maybe you can buy a trampoline or allow him to jump on your bed if he cant break it.

The bolded statements in the inner quote (KEYPREAL's) prove what I always believed: parents love the power they get simply from having kids. But therein lies the rub: it's unearned power! You get it simply through sexual intimacy. Look at it this way: making and raising live-born offspring existed since mammals first evolved 65 millions of years ago, and sexual reproduction in general is almost a billion years old. You didn't have to work hard to get power/authority over your son. Yes, raising children involved tremendous amounts of time, money, and effort, but I'm talking about attaining power. Not to discredit the parents here, I do want to point out how power over one's child is essentially unearned; you get it just because you're an adult and he's a child. Not because you got a master's degree, not because you were promoted to supervisor, and not because you made smart investments. (As an analogy, Saudi Arabia didn't have to work for its oil; they just happened to sit on a reservoir.) The sole fact that you're trying to point out to your son how you have the power and he doesn't is quite disturbing. If anything, I'd say that your son understood that since he was months old, and your actions will be viewed as you trying to rub that in his face. Would you want him trying to "balance the equation" on your grandchildren? How would you feel about that?

Let's talk about "waiting for his turn to be in the adult club" and making decisions without having to justify them. The age when you truly enter the adult club is 21 (you can drink), although the age of majority is 18. I'm not sure how old your son is, but to him, that might as well be 100 years into the future (remember: time moves a lot slower for kids than for adults). The age 21 feels almost the same as never. So, you're essentially telling your son that he's never going to have the ability to make decisions and do what he wants to do. Is that a good message to send? I'd say no, but I'm losing trust in your agenda here.

The person DW_a_mom mentioned (outer quote) is me, as you might have guessed. And yes, my childhood memories still affect my view of power to this day. I realize that many parents won't agree with me, but I still think that power (or maybe "authority" is a better word) is one of the best parts of being a parent, and I will not change my mind anytime soon. I'm wondering at this point if parenting would seem as attractive if newborn babies attained adult size, strength, intelligence, and maturity, along with the power that comes with them, on the second day of their lives (through some mysterious biological process that's beyond the scope of this post).

I agree with this 100%! !!

Thanks for the remark and doing the tecnical stuff for me! I've come to realize that it's a very controversial subject for AS individuals and family.

As for Aspie1's post, I feel urged to assure you that I'm not a tiran parent. As I read your quote of my text I realize it can seem very harsh from a strict interpretation of the text. In day to day you can't go through with the guidelines 100%. I mean you still raise an eyebrow and give some time to comply. I believe strict discipline could be the way to put a child back on track and then lighten up a little in the future (the psychiatrist is also a family therapist). But I must highlight that the therapist did say that a democratic relationship would be fine for most kids. One thing is truly true: my kid was going out of my control and others were complaining. If he goes back on track he'll probably solve his issues with authority before he's a teenager and avoid behaviors like passive-agressive and absenteeism which come with little self-discipline.

And what to do about it when they can't. At least for me.

Conform his world to him, instead of trying to get him to conform to the world. Assuming we're talking something like a stim.

If its impulse control, take heart in the fact that kids do grow up, and developmentally eventually become capable of new things.

I really believe in the value of discussion, and trying to see all sides. I'm glad you stuck with us even when you being challenged. Everyone learns something that way.

Aspie children can not be disciplined. Period. If you don't believe me, ask my mother.

I thought she was talking about Tracker. I wonder where he went?

I was disciplined so no I don't. There's my own proof. Me.

No, that comment was definitely about Aspie1. Aspie1 has posted on the subject of power quite a few times now.

I've been wondering about Tracker, too, however. I've assumed that he has gotten a new job and it's keeping him busy, which would be good news. Hopefully he'll let us know soon enough.

Thanks. I was reading a book about young kids and AS, and the woman basically said you can't really tell the difference at this age, so you should treat it all the same way. Which is not to say do nothing, but removing him from the situation and allow him to reset, basically.

What works best with my girl is to count, giving a clear consequence and explaining at each number exactly how I am feeling and why. It doesn't work all the time though, and if there is something she knows clearly annoys me then she will go out of her way to do it.

fix'd.