I am LOOSING IT!! ! Please help me!! ! DESPERATE...

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I am writing this as a last resort (no offense) and it is going to be REALLY long I apologize.

Right now I feel am plucking at my last nerve. I have three awesome children. But I could seriously (SERIOUSLY) use some help/advise SOMETHING to help me keep going. I love and hug them, I cry, I scream, I reward, I encourage, I find the good, and I time out for the bad, I have done everything I could possibly think of to help them become good people and have a wonderful life. But IT'S NOT WORKING!! !!

My oldest is diagnosed Aspergers everyone here knows what that means. When he was younger he used to rock in a fetal position and refuse eye contact, he was also 'untouchable' with everyone but myself, these symptoms I knew to be autistic ones and since 'my perfect baby boy couldn't have autism' I taught him not to rock (at least in public) by placing my hands on his shoulders and telling him 'no rocking' hold my hand instead. I would hold his hand until the rocking subsided (nowadays he opens and closes his hands when he has the urge to rock; I've noticed), and when he finally started to talk (at age 3.5) I took his chubby little cheeks and directed his gaze to my eyes and "couldn't hear him" unless he looked at me; I made it seem he was helping me hear better if he would look at me, so now he looks at someone when he talks to them (I still occasionally allow him the wandering gaze when he is having a hard time composing his thoughts) On the whole he has progressed nicely through the years with re direction to allow him to be more 'socially acceptable/integrated' now at 9 yrs old he does not appear to the casual onlooker to be autistic, he will look at you when talking and he doesn't rock in public. His obsession is Star Wars (pick one he loves em' all) he can watch a movie once and repeat EXACTLY the light saber maneuvers that were seen with correct form and sound effects (when the last movie came out all the neighborhood kids were having light saber battles and when they ganged up on him he still out maneuvered him, to the point that the kids didn't want to play with him because he was so dang good with a light saber. He can quote the movie verbatim, he can build a death star with paper, and illustrates numerous battles. I even had him help me decorate the shed out back (its his clubhouse) in the star wars theme with a black backdrop he painted vivid planets stars and hung models of all the different ships he made from scratch from the ceiling. But he still has many issues to deal with, his TEMPER for one, when everything isn't 'JUST SO' or God forbid there is an annoying sound to deal with, or an annoying repetitive action not of his own doing he goes berserk! Hence my dilemma..

My second son is diagnosed with severe ADHD, hyperkinetic disorder, dyslexia and fine motor in coordination, borderline turrets syndrome. His issues... for those unfamiliar, is he CAN'T sit still, he CAN'T remain quite, he CAN'T stop doing those annoying things that he does. He has been on more medication than my grandmother with no improvement at all, he constantly clicks his mouth (which sends brother through the roof) he constantly swings his feet (ditto) he cant help but be annoying in so many (MANY) little ways that I couldn't possibly list them all. Redirection works for him well, but you have to pick your battles carefully with someone like him because if you didn't you would be battling all day over the little stuff. He's the kind of kid that would give you the shirt off his back (which he actually did once because his cousin was crying when she got hers dirty) He's not intentionally doing this stuff to be annoying, he honestly can't help it! when you ask him ' hey why are you making that noise... he says what noise!? When you ask him to sit still for a moment he states I am! (when his foot is swinging wide arc in the room)

They are both very similar in that they both have a high tolerance for pain, and that they are both part of this family. Aside from that, they are like to tornadoes... but spinning in opposite directions! I NEED HELP!

I put them in karate mainly because the oldest wanted to and I thought it would be good discipline for them both, so they both were enrolled, a year later they were both pulled from it because they were using it against each other!! !


One Has to have a rigid routine, things quiet, orderly, neat and 'just so', the other has chaos in his veins, constant movement perpetual motion, disorderly and noisy. Dinner time is a constant battle, one wants the table just so, the other is moving the table because he can't sit still. I keep them separated during the day best I can but there are limits, after all we are a family and no matter how much they drive each other nuts they are going to live together ....until someone moves out OR ....kills the other one.

HELP ME PLEASE... I just want one day... no, just one hour... HECK, I'm not that greedy, JUST ONE MEAL WITHOUT SOME DISASTER!! ! I am SO TIRED of the balled up fists, spittle flying from his mouth in fury, and Damien eyes from the oldest when he looses his temper (9yo now), The second one flipping in his chair to the floor because he thinks his brother is going to hit him(7 yo now), and the third child is only 2 and starts screaming and crying because her brothers are 'fighting again' I want it to STOP...help me please?!

Hi Momof3, Is there anyway that you can get some relief by sending your boys off with the relatives for awhile? Is there anyway you can get a daycare subsidy for a break during the day? If you're eligible for daycare subsidy you can get that if you are enrolled in college courses (even on a parttime basis) or if you work. It sounds like you have way too much of a load for one person to handle alone.

My heart truly goes out to you. I thought I was going to have a breakdown when my sons were younger, and only one of them had serious issues! For what it's worth - here are a few suggestions:
1. Figure out a way to get regular breaks for yourself. Based on my experience, you need 30-60 minutes to yourself a day to walk, meditate, read, soak in rose water, or whatever relaxes you. Unfortunately, you've got to hold this thing together, so you can't burn out. Solicit relatives, friends, and neighbors to help - set the kids up doing separate, fun things, and leave.
2. Continue to keep them apart except for activities they can enjoy together. Periodicallly one of my sons will eat in his room because he is too stressed-out to stay with us. As long as it's not every day, it won't hurt.
3. Encourage them to do different activities so that they're never competing with each other.
4. Teach them about each other - gradually. Explain, in a non-judgemental way, what makes the other guy unique, what makes him sad, what makes him cool, etc. It won't seem to make a difference at first, but in the long run, they will develop understanding and sympathy for each other, and other people, too.
5. Remember that you can't make them something they're not, and forcing them to do things they don't want to usually back-fires.
6. Get more, different, better professional help. Any parent in your situation would be in over his or her head. Therapies, meds, talking, groups, etc, all can make a difference in the long run, and they will give you some psychological support - like you're not alone in this.
Much love and best wishes -

Thank you for the reply,

Is there anyway that you can get some relief by sending your boys off with the relatives for awhile?

Unfortunately not, their father wants nothing to do with them (he left us when they were 1 1/2 & newborn.. before they were diagnosed) and now that they have 'issues' he REALLY wants nothing to do with them so his side is out of the question, and my family option only goes so far, even they cant tolerate the chaos for very long. I feel lucky when I go to work because I get away for a while (and I work in an emergency room and I find that calming?!). But when I come home My mom sits for an hour complaining about how awful they were. It's become so bad that I've dropped to days/part time so she won't have to deal with them so often.... so there's no chance of her watching them so I can 'take a break' there just isn't that option.

And as for daycare, I had CSAP when I was putting myself through school but now that I am working and my area wont subsidize. Right now there is no way I can afford it for 'a break' (now that I have had to go part time) Besides I've already been told they are 'to disruptive' for summer programs or mom's day out programs. Than you for the thought though. I really am on my own with this.

Momof3,

You should contact your counties social services office (I assume you are in the USA) and ask about respite care. This is where a foster family takes in a child or two for anywhere from one day to one week to allow the parent to have a break. If your children have special needs, then I think you are eligable.

Don't worry about the expense either. I would much rather my taxpayer dollars to toward giving the parent a break and thus keeping the family together than paying to split up a family

Please don't take this the wrong way because I mean for it to be helpful - but it seems like you are expeding alot of energy trying to make the kids be "normal" - which is not something that you will be capable of doing. Tics and stims are not something that you can "control" and while it may be annoying to you - it is possible that it may also be annoying to be constantly "redirected". I have OCD and I know it annoys my husband considerably as he complains about it - however, my husband has NO CLUE that he has tons of annoying habits just like any other person on the planet. It is just that he doesn't have a label to focus the blame on. It sounds like you are exhausted and really need to find some way to get away for a little while. If you work at a hospital is there any way they can offer some suggestions even for the very short term. Then strategize to choose to pick your battles wisely. Is trying to redirect a stim or a tic worth the aggravation. And it can create more anxiety - which increases the tics and stims. Works pretty much the same with OCD - the higher level of anxiety and stress in the home about the reaction to the OCD behaviors the more it increases the OCD behavior.

I have a daughter with micro (who has a label of mild MR) and a son with autism - they don't get along all the time and annoy each other - but I think MANY MANY siblings do this. My husband and his brother (no labels) used to physical brawl in their living room. So some of this may be "normal" behavior for siblings in which they just focus on their annoying habits that are related to their conditions. Doesn't stop the behaviors per se - but sometimes just looking at things from a different perspective might help.

Anna,

Thanks for your reply, I have tried separate meal times which worked well when they were younger because when they still took naps I would stagger them so that each got some good one on one.

I ate twice once with each while the other slept or was taking a bath etc, now though it just doesn't work, the baby cries because someone is 'not there'. And whoever is not at the table is sullen because they are 'excluded' . The only way this works is if someone takes one of the boys out to dinner and the ones left behind get a little something special to make it seem like they weren't gypped.

I might try a 'pseudo' version of that when school starts... something like whoever finished homework first eats first, in that case the second son will always be eating an hour after everyone else since it takes him twice as long to do his homework. Although that wouldn't work every night he would soon feel isolated. Maybe more buffet type eating???




-> I hope you all didn't misunderstand me, I do admit trying to change them but that was when they were little. I taught them how to act more appropriate in public, mainly to fit in and have friends but also selfishly so they wouldn't get removed from another daycare. I admit doing it to both of them, I would constantly remind them what was preferred and what behaviors were not preferred. I used to get SO annoyed at this 'weird chirp thing' that my son does ALL the time, (and still does) it is so loud and piercing, it almost sounds like a shriek, the kind of sound that makes your belly flip flop...

It wasn't until 2 years ago that they were diagnosed both of them, because I finally figured out that with all my re-directing, time outs and rewards and praise... that things were just not getting better, they would just replace old habits/tics etc. with new ones. It wasn't until they were diagnosed that I understood why they did the things they did.

And now instead of redirecting them for my previous reasons, I concentrate on they're future and safety. My older boy seems to do well with being reminded of things (ie, you don't hit your sister because she is in your room, call me.. or remind her that its your room and close the door if you want her out)

However my second son is the one that gets most of the redirection still... Please don’t jump down 5 stairs at a time, don't run with scissors, don't stand on top of the fish tank to feed the fish... I praise him for every little thing he does right though, I have a mental ratio of 5:1 to keep him from being discouraged frustrated and just plain give up, I look for everything to compliment them on.. down to thanking them for flushing the toilet! I worry because the things the second son does are EXTREMELY dangerous and his baby sister is always watching, waiting for a chance to do it. (yes she was on top of the fish tank 10 minutes after I told him to get down)

Have you applied for SSI? If you are in the US, this is a program that (if you qualify) can send payments to you each month for your children who qualify as disabled. I would at least apply, it can't hurt.

Then that money can be spent on hiring help, either a mother's helper or straight out daycare. If you are in a fairly urban area, there should be places where they care for special needs kids.

I understand about you wanting your kids to look outwardly ok, for many reasons. The problem is that then you have a build up - it's like those behaviors are necessary, and if they get held in then when they can release it's like blowing up a balloon, pinching the end shut all day then suddenly opening it at night. They'll be all over the place trying to calm themselves.

A little therapy for all of you could go a long way too.

As for the dinner table,

You need a break badly. I can tell you love your kids but you need to take care of yourself, too. I raised one little Aspie who never slept, stopped talking or moving, and was always upset at someone. I had no breaks either, and it was hard. I have a lot of respect for you raising three children all with different needs, with no break. If your mother is worn out, I hope there are resources that can help you get a little time just for you. Maybe some of the ones the others have mentioned. Good luck.

are there any support groups in your area ? what about bartering daycare with another mom? back when i cuoldn't afford to hire a sitter, i used to barter daycare with another mom who had a son with ADHD.....no money exchanged hands, and we sure appreciated the breaks it afforded us.

RULE 1: don't try and change it because it will buite you strait back.... thus this is what is happaning. at the same time it is like constant torture for the kids, my p[arenst were like you, trying to make me normal when infact they knew there was somthing wrong. it was thier own "we can't accept he is autistic" that landed me in fostercare. So in short, well done for getting help, that is a good start, but you need to let them be THEM not some f****d up image of normal you want them to be.

right rant over.

I mean it when i say well done for not cracking, it might be an idea to look for somform of restbite from social services, or possibly a charity, in the UK there are a few around for this sort of thing.

hope that helps. and good luck

jammie

We bought a new exercise machine the other day and my AS son loves the box it came in.... he wanted to keep it and I like the house to be clean so I said he could keep it for a few days. Well he LOVES the box and he goes in it when his little sister is "bugging" him.... so we are keeping it. He actually cut a hole in the front so he can watch tv while sitting in it. I think it calms him down to have a place to go. Needless to say little sister wants a box too!

If your second son was on multiple different meds, and nothing worked, I have a suspicion that the diagnoses were incorrect. When there are multiple neurologic diagnoses, it is not unusual for there actually to be one diagnosis (and optimal) treatment.
Was he diagnoses by a child psychiatrist? They are hard to find, and good ones very hard.
Medication aside, a bad ADHD kid will be at most managable on meds, not controlled, and it sounds like you have one of them. I'm sorry.
SSI is a possibility. Along with child support it would help, although you are not complaining on the money issue, only the insanity of your household.
Separate meals might be one option. How about separate tables? Each kid gets a card table, those that behave face in, those that don't face away.

I have 1 Aspie, 1 NT child & 1 pig-headed DH, so I understand the whole uglyness of trying to sit them all down at the dinner table. Thank you very much for the advice that the dinner table is the "in thing" for a well-rounded family, but it's just a HUGE battle ground for us.

We sit in the Living room & each child has a sturdy wooden tv tray (across the room from each other, but not directly across) They each have their own space, there's no kicking under the table, staring across the table, or blaming the mess on each other.

Hope this helps!

We dont have too many troubles at the dinner table. But for some reason my son absolutely hates the smell of milk and cold cereal (which my daughters eat every morning) so I wake my son up a half hour after the girls, so they can eat and be getting dressed while he eats. We (AS mommies) have to do things a little differently dont let people make you feel bad. So we dont eat breakfast together? who cares.... my son started the day without a scene WOOT! Plus he has a hard enough time in school, id hate to send him to school already upset.