My Son is doing well...why am I worried?

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My son is not yet dxed (that is a whole different issue) but I am nearly positive he is on the spectrum. He spins, flaps his hands, has attrocious handwriting, a very literal understanding of the world, though along with it s great sense of humor, its just his own humor. He is 12 years old next month, and being a concerned NT father, I am trying to understand something.

My son was never picked on or bullied in school (no more than any kid anyway, with a couple isolated incidents), and still hasn't been. He has what he considers friends. He goes to dances and hangs with them. He has fun with other kids, but he considers his weekends "his own" time, a "break from his friends." In short, he is content to spend his weekends alone with his family, and hang out with his buddies at school. He is not really suffering, but I worry he is heading down a path of social isolation by him not fostering friends outside of school.

Again, he plays with other kids all the time when the chance comes, but he is not very proactive in trying to make it happen outside of school. Should I just be content that he is happy? I had worried a lot that middle school (which he started this year) would be too much for him, but he LOVES it. Only a couple meltdowns this year so far, and both at home.

I feel like I worry for nothing, but dangit I just can't seem to help it. He is not really suffering, but I keep worrying that he *will* and as a worried parent, want to try to encourage him to interact, fearing he will have social isolation if he doesn't. I am feeling a bit out of sorts for him when he isnt out of sorts himself.

It has always puzzled and bothered me why parents keep bothering their children to interact with other children.
I was never bullied at school, but I have only for a short time been at a school where NT is the dominant neurotype, and then I have only had older friends.
But then, this might be me not being able to see how someone would crave social contact, I do not need it, and I think I would be better off without it.
Because of this, I think it is odd that you come on here with your question instead of telling your son what you think and asking him what he wants.
Sure, most of us are autistic, but among all people there are differences, and no person is completely the same.

I dont know? Perhaps you are concerned due to the false stereotype that introverted people must be miserable? As far as I can tell it is a natural parental trait to be worried more then is needed, so you aren't alone in that way.

Perhaps if you spent more time doing an activity you enjoyed you would have less time to worry.

It is very understandable to be worried about your child's future. From the sound of it I think he's doing awesome. People assume you need other people's company to be happy, that is far from the truth. I am not on the spectrum but I do have a lot of social anxiety. As long as you give him the tools to know how to socialize when he needed, he'll be fine. We all know you need to know how to socialize at job interviews or in social events but you don't need to do this constantly, everyday single day of your life.

For people who has a hard time socializing, myself including, we have to put on a "show" in front of other people, this is exhausting and very annoying. When you're at home, you just want to kick back and be yourself and not have to worry if you're fitting in or being socially acceptable.

When my son was in pre-k, I remember a time when we were waiting outside for the teacher to open the door at the beginning of class. My then 3 year old daughter was with us at the time. My son and daughter were sitting together by themselves on the steps, not socializing with anyone, just staring at the environment or looking at the ground. Other kids were in groups chit chatting. As I looked at them, wondering why they weren't acting like other kids, I looked at myself..and here I was standing by myself while other parents were in groups talking to other parents. I would feel really awkward if someone came up to me and said something, in fact I DON'T want anyone to talk to me. I rather just wait by myself and go home when the teacher comes out. Having someone talk to me would be hard work; I would have to find some way to greet them, then I would have to answer their question or make a comment about their comment so that they would know I acknowledged what they said, then I would have to find a way to end the conversation when the teacher comes out (that is the hardest part), this whole procedure invokes anxiety in me, something I rather just avoid.

From this revelation, I decided to not force my son to socialize if he didn't want to. I would give him the tools (like show him what to say or help him understand other people's feelings) but I would never force him into it, especially if he already goes to a regular school and does extracurricular activities. People don't realize that you can be very content by yourself. Kids make fun of the girl who sits alone in a lunch room but maybe she's happy sitting there by herself.

Hi MNJim thanks for your post.

I feel like I identify a lot with what you are saying. It almost sounds like you are talking about me lol.

Time for some quick background about me....

I am currently 25 years old, but back around when I was 12 my parents had pretty much the exact same concerns as you are describing now. (Bear in mind, I've never been officially diagnosed for AS, but let's put it this way.... when I am not around people--which is pretty much all of the time now, and in my opinion this is due to habits I developed early on since around 12 years of age, so more on this in a minute--I am constantly doing the hand flapping. I won't go into too much more detail on my own symptoms, but suffice it to say that I display most of the behaviors of someone with an ASD.

OK, back to when I was 12.... I was a lot like your son it sounds like. I wouldn't say I loved school (although that's great if your son does) but I didn't hate it. While in school at that age, I made really good grades, and I usually had positive interactions with other kids for the most part (not always, but usually this was the case). The problem was, though, outside of school I would rarely if ever hang out with other kids. And when you don't spend time with people outside of school, it is very difficult to form friendships. Now, you might get along with the other kids and be on good terms with them and talk to them everyday and all that, but in the end, the contact outside of school is where friendships can develop and sustain themselves. See, I could never do this (and never wanted to at the time, but now I wish that I had). I was in a comfort zone in school, but outside of it was just too spontaneous for me and seemed too overwhelming and not worth pushing myself.

So basically what I'm getting at is, I think you are absolutely right to be concerned about this, and personally I think it is very admirable, so I completely disagree with the tone of ursaminor and Tracker's remarks. Is it a serious issue in the present here and now? Probably not, but down the road it could be very serious. You are being proactive and thinking about the long term. Well the long term is, you are in your mid 20's, and you are waaaayyyyy behind your peers in terms of social experience, b/c you never got the experience other kids were naturally getting in their teen years. Now, I hope no one misunderstands what I'm saying.... I am not suggesting that kids need to try and be the most popular kid in school and to get into the drinking and activities like that. But what I am saying is that I think it is JUST as important as academics for a kid to at least have a small group of maybe 2 or 3 friends that he can sometimes do things with outside of school. No matter what your career path, you need to at least have that comfort level with a small group of people.

Now, I realize this is easier said than done, b/c if a kid is like how I was at this age, then he or she is completely disinterested in this. Sure, NOW in my 20's I wish it would have been different and that my parents would have helped me out more here, b/c I see now that over time things have gotten out of control in terms of the social isolation that you speak of and that sort of thing. I don't know if it can be forced upon children, but it can definitely be encouraged, and children can be cajoled so to speak to get these social skills and social experiences. One suggestion; maybe be very explicit in terms of explaining things on how to go about inviting people to do something for example and to coach him. Maybe compromise with your son.... maybe every other weekend, he can set the goal of trying to have one activity planned outside of school. So it doesn't necessarily have to be every weekend, so some weekends he can just relax. It can be something like getting a bite to eat with his peers at fast food even, or maybe checking out a school sporting event with a few other friends or kids from school. I don't know really what kids are into these days, if things like laser tag are appealing at all, but it never hurts to try new things.

The important thing is that you have your son's best interests at heart, and I give you all the credit in the world for seeking out ideas and perspectives on how to give him the best possible preparation for later in life as an adult. Best of luck to you.

I don't understand dylan. What problems are you experiencing as an adult that you can attribute to a lack of practice socializing in your teen years? I never socialized much at school, or out of school, yet I find no problems with my adult life. Could you be more specific about what you are struggling with?

MNJim, I totally understand your concern, and I DO think that it is an important thing to keep in the back of your mind. It sounds as if your son IS doing extremely well, and has friends, isn't bullied, etc. That's fantastic!

I too have been worried about this. My son has developed a friendship with a nice kid down the street who is two years younger (but very mature for his age), and that is a positive outside-of-school relationship. Also, my son has strong connections at church and Boy Scouts that are helpful in developing some friendships. But even so, I am concerned that he develop some kind of outside interest that will help to provide connections with other kids as he matures. Sports is completely out of the realm of possibility, so I am hoping that his interest in music can be a connection -- either through theater in high school, or a band with some guys in high school. This worked really well for my older son, so I'm hoping that somehow it will work for my younger one.

One good thing to know is this -- I have witnessed with my older kids that socialization outside of school is rare until high school, and doesn't really take off until the kids get their driver's license. Sure, there are opportunities here and there, but they are often facilitated by parents, and otherwise, boys just aren't interested in being social outside of school these days. Especially if it means being driven around and picked up by a parent -- incredibly uncool. SO, I wouldn't feel too bad if your son isn't getting a lot of socialization outside of school. Keep an eye on it, and it should naturally pick up in the next few years or so.

Thanks for the insight. I guess I was in the throws of having my own meltdown. The more I think lately, the more I wonder if I am on the spectrum somewhere, though if so its pretty mild.

But with regards to my son, sometimes he is in a social mood, sometimes he isnt. I do not want to force him into social situations, but I do like to provide him with the opportunity. I have always been the sort of person with one or two really good friends, and that has always been enough. But I don't see my son developing even that bond outside of school. I am greatful beyond measure that he is doing as well as he is, and I should look at the fact that he seems perfectly happy right now. He even has his first real crush and has joined band playing the trombone. He is content and happy, and I should leave that well enough alone.

It is the future I am, as a parent, always fretting. How many mistakes we make now that show up later as signficant problems....the age old parent worry I suppose. For that matter I have the same worries for my NT daughter, though with my AS son, I get more concerned because of the spectrum. I know I should just learn to let go a bit, and not try to micro manage every aspect of his life and let him become the man he will become.

That's good that you are finding no problems in your adult life with this sort of thing. I wish you well.

I think the OP's concerns are quite valid and understandable. I find the OP's comments to be thoughtful and perfectly reasonable. I'm not a parent but it makes sense to me.

I guess it comes down to what you aspire to in life. As an adult, if you got little or virtually no social experience growing up, and this continues into adulthood and you are largely socially isolated, but yet you are at peace with that.... well, then maybe it's not such a big deal. But I believe it all comes down to promoting good habits for your kids, no different than trying to limit the junk food b/c it is a valid concern to worry about things like obesity. Extending the metaphor to a child's social development, I think it starts with baby steps. Every other weekend, spending time with kids outside of school and hopefully forming friendships, is a healthy habit. This kind of baseline experience is what can give a kid more confidence in him or herself in navigating social situations and everyday life. I only bring myself into the equation as sort of a cautionary tale, b/c I find myself relating to what MNJim describes in his son at that age. Which is why I suggest providing encouragement and direction and structuring opportunities for children who may not naturally seek this sort of thing out on their own. It is definitely a good thing to get more social experience at any age, I hope none of the earlier commenters were suggesting otherwise. It may not be easy for a kid who isn't naturally inclined to seek out social bonding, but later in life, it only get more challenging.

I don't understand why this is a problem. If you don't need social contact, you don't need it.

i absolutely hated attending socialization events that my parents arranged for me. it didn't teach me anything, it just made me miserable because i was forced into it, there was nothing into that for me.
that is the problem, one can learn the interaction rules but i don't WANT interaction with people that i have nothing in common with. The desire is the problem, if you just want friend so you can fit or something than it won't work in the long run. The soultion is to find few people that make sense to you.

EDIT: When I look at my NT "friends" from HS, i am not sure would like to "fit in" now. They are divorced, not so happy (more miserable) and not so wealthy now. Though they still have "the attitude". It is just a remark though i honestly don't like to compare to anyone. It is pointless.

All of the above lead me to ask ... have you talked with your son about it? What does he want from socializing now, and what does he think he may want in the future? Then you can see if there is a gap that he may need help filling.

My AS son (age 12) is drawn to people and wants them in his life, but there is a limit to it and restrictions on it. Right now, the pieces are not all fitting together the way he ideally wants them to, and while I saw it coming, I couldn't really stop it. We're working with him on it, trying to help him sustain his goals when it comes to friendships. It is difficult - I can see pieces of what everyone, both sides is saying. Each child is different - you really have to know your child on this one.

Agreed. I can't say this often enough if you force your child to socalize you will make them into an isolate end of story. He's further along than I was at his age and already doing more than what alot of people on the spectrum are capable of. Be greatful rather than worried.

I guess I just don't understand where some of you are coming from.... why is everyone so resistant to a parent gently encouraging a child to try out socializing outside of school? I'm not talking about non-stop socializing, just once in a while (which is why I suggested maybe twice a month) practicing being around a few kids outside of school and maybe having 1 or 2 friends. So that, when they reach their 20's and adulthood, they will have at least had some baseline experiences and confidence in this. Maybe a kid doesn't want to learn how to cook, but isn't it a good idea to still show him or her a thing or two about basic cooking so that as an adult, he or she will be more self-sufficient? Or maybe playing a musical instrument... maybe the kid has no interest on his or her own of doing this, but I think it's a good thing when a parent tries to at least expose a child to different things that may be out of their comfort zone. Socializing and getting more comfortable with their peers is no different.... in fact, I would argue it's the absolute most important thing a parent can do for their child.... B/C if you have an autism spectrum disorder, then by nature you probably are not so inclined on your own to go out and to get that social experience, which is why I think kids need their parents in this instance to step up for them and to help them to get it.

Now maybe some of you have had bad experiences with this and maybe parents can be guilty of forcing the issue too much. Ideally tho, it's baby steps and to encourage your children. Yes, be who you are, but also understand that the habit of social isolation can cause a person a lot of problems later in life so it's probably best to start trying to manage this habit while a person is still young. I just don't understand the resistance to this at all. I thought that trying to better yourself and your children and working on social skills was a good thing?

Dylan, if i may, if one goes to school and is somewhat well adjusted there, one knows the rules of society sufficiently that after-school friends would not change. Why the things went bad for you after graduating is a question for you but I would bet that having 1 or 2 friends would not change anything because usually one can not keep childhood friends (at least strong personal relationships) due to moving.

Also lets think of an experiment where a non-verbal or stuttering kid would feel if put him to practice with bunch of chattering kids his age? Would that undermine his confidence? Play your strengths not your weaknesses since everyone has one.

[quote="AnotherOne"}

Also lets think of an experiment where a non-verbal or stuttering kid would feel if put him to practice with bunch of chattering kids his age? Would that undermine his confidence? Play your strengths not your weaknesses since everyone has one.[/quote]

It could go either way. The Vice President of the United States is well-known for having overcome a debilitating stutter as a kid and teenager. He got picked on mercilessly. And ironically, now he has the reputation for being quite verbose lol. Maybe most Republicans wish that his parents had not pushed him so hard to socialize at that age when he didn't want to haha (point being, he would have likely not gone far in life without this nudging from his parents).

But that's why I say again, it comes down to what you aspire to in life. If you are someone without much aspiration in life in a social context, then if you are a socially isolated adult (because you were a socially isolated kid outside of school and these habits likely become even more difficult to break out of as an adult) then this sort of thing probably won't seem like a big deal.

I'm all for playing to your strengths, but how about working on weaknesses? Especially when, those weaknesses can influence every aspect of your life. Best to start when you are younger; it only gets more challenging as an adult.

I really identify with what DW a Mom says: "My AS son (age 12) is drawn to people and wants them in his life, but there is a limit to it and restrictions on it. Right now, the pieces are not all fitting together the way he ideally wants them to, "

Well, I would wager a guess that this is like most kids with a potential ASD. I was like this. I wanted things to work with kids my own age, but I didn't know how to get it, make friends, etc. And pretty soon, when the pieces don't fit together and frustration sets in, that's when the walls go up, and statements like "well he just doesn't want to be around the others." begin to function as excuses. Well, maybe if there was more help available in this regard-e.g. social skills tutoring if such a thing exists, or at least support and understanding and encouragement and gentle prodding from the parents--THEN more positive social experiences can create the momentum necessary for a kid to more naturally ON HIS/HER OWN to WANT those social experiences. There is no silver or magic bullet obviously, but as a parent this would likely be my general approach.