What can be helped and what can't?

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My younger sister lives with me and was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. While both of us are relieved to have a name to put on what makes her different I want to know what can be helped/improved and what just is. For example, despite showering daily she often smells bad-is that in any way due to Aspergers or do I just come out and ask a 29 year old woman about her washing habits? She does not enthusiastically thank people who help her and this turns alot of people off-is this something I explain to people is due to Aspergers or do I explain to her the purpose of and how to show gratitude?

I don't want to just calmly accept things that can be helped and find ways to help her have a better life but I fear if I start pointing out what is wrong and needs improvement on it will be a very long list and she will simply get discouraged. I need to know which battles are worth fighting.

I think you have to do work on both ends, i.e., teach her to thank people (and don't just say "thank people"... you need to be very explicit about exactly what needs to be said and why). But also, with her permission, explain to people what makes her different and what that looks like in everyday situations. Some people expect the world to cater to their Asperger's... guess what? It's never going to do that. To some extent (I think the washing habits fall into this category), people with autism have to learn to adapt to the world around them. And for most of us, we also need the world to adapt to us when and where it can.

Make sense?

I guess you have options about deciding which end needs to do the adapting. You could ask someone (like on here) with each decision you have to make, or you can weigh the options and make a decision and decide what work you're going to do on which end (meaning, your sister or the world)... then be confident in that decision.

I never heart about Asperger having influence on smell. (Besides washing habits ofcourse)

Some things can be learned / trained like thanks giving etc.
Other things that can help are giving structure to her life, make sure that the when, how, who, where and why are known as much as possible.

For the rest it really depends on the situation....

The short answer is that everything can be changed, improved, or done differently. The problem is not what can change, but at what cost. The simple fact is that the more things that need to change and be done differently, the more effort your sister needs to put forward. Your sister has a limit as to how much effort she can put forth everyday, even if she is fully and 100% motivated. If you try to change absolutely everything at once, then your sister simply wont have enough energy to make it all happen.

So, that being said, my best advice would be to talk to your sister, and go through a list of things that you both agree could use some improvement. Some things like failure to thank other people enthusiastically may sound silly to your sister, but if you explain the full benefit of the action she might see it as a worthwhile thing to work on. Once you have agreed on a list of things to work on, you can then start figuring out which ones to start on, and how to go about doing it. As long as your sister is a willing participant in improving things, and you don't try to do everything at once you should get good results.

Conversely if you try to work on things without your sister's cooperation on things she doesn't see as a problem you are just going to waste your time.

There is no reason I can think of why AS would make a person smell bad. Accusations are thrown out from time to time about Aspies neglecting hygiene and I can only speak for myself, but I'm kind of a clean freak. Not a germophobe or anything, but I can't function in a mess and I'm very sensitive to smells, whether BO or perfume, so it's hard for me to imagine why anyone would allow themselves to stink.

The thanking thing I have to make a conscious effort to remember, because it's not my nature to be effusive about things, but I realize that people expect some minimal degree of gratitude, or they begin to feel unappreciated, insulted and will not be so eager to help you the next time you need assistance. So I've learned to at least remember to say thank you with a smile, even if I don't gush about it. But she might just need to understand WHY it's a necessary social currency. We can learn to engage in social amenities if we understand the PRACTICAL reasons for doing so, even if the ritual seems empty and pointless to us.

Ya know - I really have to give you a lot of credit and respect for doing what you are doing. I think it's pretty cool that you have really stepped up to the plate for your sister and you're trying to learn as much as you can.

Okay - stinky girl needs to bathe properly, use deoderant and brush her teeth. If she's doing all of those things and has body odor - it could be her diet or supplement if she takes them. Garlic is notorious for causing BO...

Thanking people - sorry, but no one is born with manners, we ALL need to be taught those. And not everyone is expected to be all gushy and thankful - personally I find gushy people a bit off-putting. A simple thank you usually works for most people.

The thing is - just because someone has AS doesn't mean they are incapable of learning to conduct themselves appropriately. They can be responsible and accountible for their behavior and actions. These are not kids (or adults) that would be mistaken for wild chilren who were raised by wolves and have no idea how to act around other humans! LOL! AS is not an excuse to misbehave or be a turd. It is something they have to learn to 'work' around or with.

You might want to keep in mind that there are people out there who do not have ASD that are rude, self absorbed and entirely insufferable. Being that way is partly a choice and partly learned behavior. Learned behaviors can be changed to some degree (a little or a lot - which is also a choice). It's probablu going to be more difficult to help her change because she's an adult, but you can talk to her and remind her - "say Thank You... say Please... "

Bottom line is - don't let her use her AS as an excuse not to do what's right. If anything it should empower her to finally KNOW why she is the way she is so she can deal with it and move forward. Really - think about it - she's spent a lot of time wondering and probably self-analyzing, wondering why she is the way she is and why no one seems to 'get it'... Now she has an answer and a sister who is willing to help her work through it all.

Smell is easy enough to change. If she showers everyday, then personal habit scheduling isn't the problem. One possible reason for the bad hygiene stereotype might be a need to develop self awareness, and it sounds like she may need to use different soap. You can shower every day and still smell bad if you don't use a strong enough soap. I recommend washing and rinsing twice every day with the liquid "body wash" soaps. Once she uses these, she will see the difference and how much better it is, which will improve her self awareness about this issue.

I'd say the smelling bad can be improved. Ask her how she washes herself to see what the problem is there. Also, the not thanking people is from not understanding why it's good; that can be helped with some explanation.

At the same time, you have to remember that she's 29.

I don't know if you are temporarily supporting her, or if she contributes to the household but you have to acknowledge that it isn't your place to tell her what to do with decisions that affect only her. This isn't a child that we're talking about. If she wants help, she'll ask for it. Until then, let her figure things out.

You do have the freedom to ask that she get a job (if she doesn't already have one) and work towards supporting herself, as it is your house.

True if the issue is that she's not thanking people at all.

If the issue is that she's not thanking them as effusively as she might, that might just be a personality trait people have to adjust to.

Take her perfume shopping, have fun smelling them all, and buy her something she likes. Then praise her when she wears it by telling her how good she smells. Stock the shower with good smelling shower gels and lotions. Make sure she has deodorant in the house. This should help. It's not caused by AS directly, but maybe by lack of self-awareness.

When you tell her she needs to thank people, it helps to model the expected behavior. Simulate that you want to show how to thank in different ways for different situations. "If you did this for me, I would thank you by doing this." and then say and do it to her. Then, when the time comes you can tell her - "I would thank them like this way I showed because..." That's how we learn to do the right thing.

I have a warning about perfume. I have a severe allergy to most perfumes. Alot of people have very high sensitivities to VOCs in addition to allergies. I think to many people (both men and women) depend on perfumes too much. For people with severe allergies to perfumes, people come off as insesitive with regards to this issue. I would love it to get that wearing perfume gets addressed the same way smoking does. It is the cause of many problems, especially with stronger scents. I had a rule with my previous female and male roommates, it was absolutely strict because of my health problems with this. No perfumes or colognes allowed inside the apartment. They never tested it, because they often saw the result of my allergy.

What I think there should be is more bathing habits. One can smell clean, without the use of perfume. I highly discourage the use of scents, because this allergy is more common than you think. There is a reason why department stores are no longer allowed to liberally spray the stuff in thier store and now rely more on sample sheets and limited use. Sorry to jump on the perfume thing, but whenever I hear advice about "buy perfume" or "buy cologne" it really bothers me. I see it as an educational necessity, I am sick and tired of being sick because of scents from other people. I ALWAYS advise against it. Smelling clean is ALWAYS better than using perfume.

The problem may be persperation. My roomate had her own problems with this and had to use perscription streangth dedorant. Some people can get away from using dedorant, but some women do need to get something a bit more powerful.

Hahahaha Thanks!

Thanks everyone, it helps to have other points of view and a better understanding of when to raise an issue and when to just let it be. I'm learning as I go but these forums are really helping alot

I found this while doing some amateur research on the cognitive processes of children with Aspergers:

...AS children are limited in their ability to demonstrate pretend play, imagination and creativity....This apparent restricted ability to predict future events by manipulating past experience, as part of problem solving, may be related to measure of limited creativity and TOM (Theory of Mind) factors identified early in AS child development

and

Additionally, when an AS child learns a rule in one environment, the behavior will not generalize to a new setting. In the new setting the contextual cues are different, and the AS child will perceive the similar setting/situation as entirely different

Does your child repeat what seems like the mistake over and over? Make the same bad decisions and never seem to learn from mistakes? How do you deal with/work around it?

*source for both is Asperger Syndrome: A Guide for Professionals and Families, edited by Raymond W. DuCharme and Thomas P. Gullotta, Kluwer Academic/Plenum Publishers, 2003

Just to let you know, the issues about imagination, creativity, and theory of mind look a lot different from the inside than from the outside. It seems like researchers assume that if something isn't communicated to them in words, it isn't there, and that assumption is grossly incorrect.