How do you parents cope with the constant sadness?

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It's so good that you understand that.

Physically she is 29 but acts more like a teenager.

So far I can tell she is interested in cryptograms, YouTube videos of babies or small kids doing silly things (she gave birth to a baby 3 years ago, the child was adopted and I am trying to help her find a support group to deal with that as well), horror/comedy movies in the vein of "Childs Play" (she has the entire series and will watch the movies repeatedly and then watch them again with commentary), computer solitaire, the kind of stuff found on "America's Funniest Videos" and anything involving car chases, crashes, etc. While drunk she "admitted" she likes gory stuff which I told her is fine; I am fascinated by surgery, diseases and medical journals myself-I just worry about how she seems content to dumb herself down with bad movies and lowest common denominator entertainment. I also worry that so much of what interests her is passive, she is watching what someone else did. She has told me over and over that she doesn't like to read and considering I don't ever remember her taking part in any of the imaginative play my other sister and I would I can understand reading not being an enjoyable for her as it is for me. I think perhaps graphic novels would be an avenue to explore.

Does she live at home or with you - or does she live on her own?

If she's 29 - but emotionally the age of a teenager - is it really that good an idea for her to be drinking? Seriously.

Does she work or do anything?

She was living on her own but after she lost her job and couldn't loan her roommate rent money any more the roommate moved out. Then some guy she met at the job she had lost wanted to move in to "help her out". He was living in his car at the time and had also been fired. Oh and was still married. The only job she was able to find was one of those "start your own business scams" where you basically pay for a bunch of useless supplies to "work from home". All she did all day was watch TV; according to our father her apartment was a squalid mess. After paying rent she had very little money to live on and once the roommate left not enough for that. She was going to have to move out of there anyway and the only options were our mother, our father or me. Our father was resigned to it and, love him as I do, he coddles her way too much. Our mother is harsh and critical and very dreary to live around so I told her she could stay with me for a year and use her unemployment money for things like buying new glasses, clothes for job hunting, therapy, etc-basically anything that might help her have a shot at a better life.

I am in complete agreement regarding drinking not being a good idea. I am having a talk with her and our father tomorrow. For a start I am banning alcohol from the apartment. I have told friends of mine who also invite her over that she is not to have any alcohol. I am hoping to be able to find meetings or a support group for her to attend. I know why she is drinking, I had problems with it in the past and wasn't dealing with nearly as much as she is but I also know it helps nothing. Now, where to find an AA meeting for depressed Aspies dealing with post adoption guilt and growing up with a substance abusing parent?

She doesn't work. For awhile she was taking on-line courses when she already has a degree in Office Administration and cannot make it through an interview. She makes half hearted attempts at internet searches for work and watches alot of crappy movies. I want better for her than that.

I'm really glad you listed therapy as a condition for her living with you.

Okay - now I'm going to be kind of harsh sounding - so don't take it the wrong way please. AS is not a reason not to hold someone accountible for their actions and choices. While AS people can be naive - especially when it comes to social interactions and 'reading' other people - and they can be pretty compulsive. If they are intune with themselves and have a good sense of self awareness - they can alter behaviors that are damaging.

Unfortunately the mixed messages she receives from your parents has probably added to her bad choices. Your Mom being hyper-critical probably makes her think nothing she can do will be right (so why bother trying) and your Dad coddling her gives her the message that she 'can't help it that she's that way' which totally frees her from being responsible.

If she's living with you - and she can look to you for guidance - you can really help her out. First of all - if she held a job and lived on her own - she is NOT helpless. She can contribute to the household. She can help clean up or cook. It's good to give her positive re-enforcement when she does ths stuff too - she needs to know that what she's doing is good and 'normal'. You can't let her use her AS an an excuse NOT to function. Obvously - she is capable of functioning - she just needs 'tweaking'.

Choose your battles wisely! You may never stop her from some behaviors - but you can help her teach herself to modify some of them - at least in situations where she needs to modify them. My daughter is a rocker and a 'hula-girl' (I have to admit - the hula thing is kinda cute and funny, but totally uncool if ya don't know her.) She is aware of doing these things at school and in public. While she can't stop them completely - they are no where near as obvious as they once were. We don't say much to her here at home when she does it - but we also know she refrains from 'odd' behaviors away from home. When you see her doing it - sometimes just a hand on her shoulder, arm or leg will alert her and she'll stop.

Socially and dealing with people... Best thing for that is discussion. She has absolutely no idea why people think and feel and do what they do because her thoughts and feelings are totally different. Just sitting down and talking about people and the things they do and why they may do them is insight that she doesn't really have. That's something you need to teach her. Teaching her these things also teaches her what is acceptable and unacceptable, appropriate and inappropriate. I know it seems weird hat you have to teach someone that becuse you just 'know it' --- but she doesn't. I have noticed that my daughter is getting pretty good at 'reading' people... Not great - but making progress. I think it's due to our 'talks'... do try to answer any of her questions - even the ones that make me cringe... Oh boy - there have been some real doozies too. But I'm helping her to fill up files in her head that she can refer back to later...

Her taking courses was really good. Tho office administration seems like a strange choice because - well - that's dealing with people... She can learn how to 'fake it' - which I personally don't see anything wrong with (I do that all the time with people... Really.) Or she can look into something that suits her better. Have her take some of those tests that help you 'find your calling' - who knows - she may be a great pet sitter, dog walker, pre-school teacher, something... Then encourage and support that goal. She may even be able to get her own little business going.

Jobs - AS people tend to be unique thinkers and total individuals. They don't run with the herd - they are a force unto themselves. They don't know that until they have the confidence to realize it and really see how special they are.

I'm really sorry I say so much - LOL - if you want to - you can PM me and we can 'talk' more - but I'm sure people are getting tired of my posts already!

(Replying to the topic, not the lasts new posts, just to clarify and avoid confusion)

I'm not a parent, but a sibling but I care for my 3 ASD siblings as my parents have passed.

My father commited suicide 6 months after finding out my younger sister had Austism (HFA/AS) and he never fully accepted that my brothers had it either, they are LFA. He could not deal with the sadness and I was not enough to "make up" for 3 of his children being Autistic. I think he also felt responsible for their Autism because his own brother was adopted out at a young because he was "ret*d", and dad must have made the genetic connection in his head.

My mother was a hero who never let her sadness interfere with her love for us. She died 4 years ago and we have been a little lost ever since.

It was always my biggest fear after dad died that something would happen to mum as well and I'd be left to look after my brothers and sister, even though I love them more than anything, I just didn't want that to be my life like it was my mums. So when it happened I tried to run away at first but did't end up having the heart to abandon them.

So we all moved in with my older brother (who is LFA but has his own house, fantastic job that embraces his savant abilities and really seems more mid-functioning to me) and I took over where my mum left off.

Sometimes I hate it, I deal with the sadness by thinking about mum and knowing how afraid she was of something happening to her because of not knowing who would look after my brothers and sister, I KNOW she would be so happy and proud that I didn't run away and that they are being cared for by someone who loves them as much as she did.

Was kinda nice to get that out. Even just online.

Sometimes I just have myself a good ole cry.

Thank you thank you thank you I needed to hear that. At times I have feared I am too hard on her; she appears so helpless sometimes and I fear my constant talking, explaining, asking questions, etc is exhausting or discouraging her but damnit, the world is not going to adapt to her and the sad truth is that she will have to adapt to it.

She is talking to a doctor today about changing either her anti-depressant or the dosage as her depression has gotten worse and tomorrow has an appointment with an agency specializing in job placement for harder to place people. The "family talk" on Friday made some headway and I put my foot down regarding the drinking and I think/hope made our father realize how serious it is and not just an issue of her not understanding how alcohol works. Baby steps, baby steps.

Vent all you want, I feel this is the perfect place for it. You have taken on an huge responsibility that I don't think many could handle (I know I couldn't). Bravo to you.

I remember going through all that, all the years that I was in school. I'd walk past the NTs, and the boys would mock me, with that slow, drawn-out voice and I knew exactly what it meant. They thought I was ret*d. I had a very hard time concentrating on my school work, because that would go through my head, for the rest of the day. It got to the point, that I did think I was ret*d, and I'd cry myself to sleep, every night. That was before my mum sat me down and told me that I have HFA, at the age of 15. It even got to the point, that I've asked one of the school counselors what was wrong with the way that I spoke. My counselor told me that I have a bit of a British accent. I've spent years, trying to find out what the accent was, even though my favourite rock group is from London. I came to the conclusion, on my own, in 2000 that I speak with a Cockney accent, the year that I chose to make peace with myself and have the best year.

I bet you sound beautiful. I love to listen to people with accents. It use to fascinate the Hell out of me when I was growing up. We traveled a lot and whenever I heard someone speak English with an accent, I would zero in on them listening to them speak.

Taupey

KOS---I have to commend you for being so brave and giving of yourself. I hope that you have some help from someone from time to time to give you a break, even if it is just a few hours to go out on your own. You really have to have some time to yourself. Please continue to come to WP anytime you need to vent! God bless you!

oddly enough, it wasn't until we got a diagnosis in December that I felt much hope. I felt like the therapist who referred Madison for a diagnosis...who could 'see' her...what a good kid she was, that she was 'different' but not messed up or anything like the kids she was used to seeing in her practice...really guided us. Her psychiatrist who conferred with the therapist about her processing difficulties...everyone where we went wanted her to have a definitive diagnosis. I feel better because now i can read about it. And also, I'm not 'trying to fix' her all the time. She doesn't need fixing. She's going to need support and guidance, and for me to be calm...rational (whenever i can ) and help her with the things that are difficult. One thing they really encouraged was to find what she's successful at and exploit it. She loves geography....so I have supported that interest and been proud of her accomplishments (she was a candidate at her school for geography b). It was so good for her to experience this success, since she has a difficult time with reading/writing (disgraphia, and a hard time paying attention to words)...so sometimes she doesn't feel so good about her academic career. she likes music, so I got her involved in private violin lessons outside of her regular school orchestra. She likes to draw, and I'm thinking about a summer art workshop. I think it's time to stop focusing on all that she 'can't do' and start helping her investigate all that she wants to do. she loves to cook and recently got involved in a 'cook-off' at our church...everyone was impressed with her cooking skills. It's so much better focusing on what she's good at, than when I was always hyperfocusing on what was going wrong. And it's better for her.

Yup....that definitely helps.

Please don't tell me I'm alone in this; what do you do when no special skill or talent has surfaced by adulthood? I read of parents with kids interested in/specializing in so many fascinating things and then I see my sister content to do nothing more than sit on the couch and watch hours and hours of lowest common denominator television and it breaks my heart. I have asked her what she REALLY wants, what REALLy interests her and got nowhere except that she finds watching car chase programs on TV "exciting". I have put a limit on the TV watching (although when I am work there is no way I can monitor what she is doing) and have tried explaining to her the different ways she can explore her interests of car chases and horror movies in more challenging and stimulating ways only to be met with either blank stares or hostility. I fear that if I let this go she will become a TV zombie and do nothing but passively wait for life to happen to her

I have AS and so does my son. I like to watch the most insipid vapid television programs known to man. LOL No idea why. Although, maybe it's because it makes me feel better. Like these people are inferior to me. So, logically there is someone in the world who is more messed up than I. Wow.

I have been very successful in my career in Training Design and Development. It follows a predictable framework, and while the software changes over time the science doesn't.

The single most important thing that has made me successful in my job was reading "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Steven Covey. It really explained so much about how to succeed at work and life. And it makes so much sense now that I know I have AS why that was.

You say your sister doesn't like to read, but maybe you can share the highlights of the book with her over meals or whatever and discuss the overall concepts with her. The book is great for NTs too, if you haven't read it.

Hang in there.