My son can't say "I love you"

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Ok, I know that actions mean more than words and I know that my son loves me, but I have to admit it is a perplexing thing to me. My family and myself are affectionate people- hugs and kisses when we greet and say goodbye or goodnight. My son who is 5 has grown up with me telling him -probably 5 times a day that I love him and one day, I realized he'd never said it back. Not ever. If my mom is talking to him on the phone and says, "I love you"- he immediately says "goodbye". He lets me hug and kiss him, but I'm not sure he likes it. It makes me wonder if it actually really annoys him and not in a teenage boy- you are embarassing me!= sort of way, either. But, I don't want to stop because I want him to know. Has anyone else experienced this?

Seems like a random post I know, but I can't sleep....

I've experienced it. I almost never say it unless someone else says it first. It feels funny and I usually have some weird variation on pronouncing the words when I say it.

i'm sorry you aren't sleeping well, pragmaticmom. neither my german nor japanese ancestry ever were known for emotional effusiveness. my parents were never ones for emotional [read: loving] displays and were very uncomfortable with displays of affection. i saw them kiss precisely once. no hugs or caresses or sweet loving words of comfort. so i didn't understand that sort of thing either. the concepts of love and affection weren't comprehended by my brain until decades of being alone and alienated from people. in my 30s a lightbulb finally went off in my head, that this world is bereft of love, and that i should try to spread some around. it was the hardest thing i ever had to learn. so i can guess where your son is coming from, that love for him might be something along the lines of "i respect my mother for going through the trouble of giving birth to me and nurturing me" - but it may be strictly an intellectual process, similar to what i felt for my mother. even if i could have been a proper loving son for her, she would have rejected me, as her upbringing was bereft of loving also.
i wish i knew what advice to offer you in regards to your son, other than to give him time, i believe the lightbulb will go off for him as well. i pray that it does much sooner than it did for me, as a mother deserves to hear "i love you" from her flesh and blood.
good luck and sleep well.

Give him time. My parents drilled me into saying I loved them but it wasn't really offical or anything until they stopped drilling and I was able to learn they did not adopt me to use as their puppet.

I tell my wife, "I love you," all the time. And I mean it. But I can't tell my mother those same words. I don't know why; it just feels very uncomfortable and it always has. To make it more puzzling, my mother and I have always had a very good relationship. I love her to death, but I cannot bring myself to say those words to her.

Is it a male thing? Is it some sort of brain wiring at birth? I don't know. I've actually spent time trying to figure out why it bothers me to tell my mother that I love her, but to no avail. I don't understand it myself.

I call her often. I hope that helps, but I am guessing it is no substitute for hearing the words.

Does he feel that you love him?

My son always tells us he loves us, and in a very pleasant tone, but never on his own. It is always in response to us saying it first. But I know he loves us, he hugs and kisses us each night before bed, and in fact that is so much his ritual, he wont really go to bed without it, though he is outgrowing it a bit (he is 12 now, and its starting to become a bit uncool )

He was much the same as your child at that age, so dont despair. I bet one day soon you get an I love you too.

It may be as simple as having to specifically teach him that saying "I love you too" is the appropriate response to the phrase "I love you", (provided the genuine feelings are there) rather than good-bye or silence. It may just not have occurred to him to say.

Physically, my sons can be very demonstrative or very stand off-ish, it really depends on where they are at from a sensory standpoint. I learned over time not to take this personally (plus I have my own sensory issues and certainly don't always want to be hugged or snuggled, so I get it). We also always ask before a hug or a touch. Their bodies = their rules, and they dislike unexpected touch very much.

They say "I love you" as part of our bedtime routine and when saying good-bye for an extended period, simply because that is when we have always said it, but it would not occur to them to say it spontaneously at any other time, and that's perfectly fine. I do give them lots of positive verbal feedback. Sometimes saying things like, "you did a really great job on ____ today" or I appreciate when you ____" makes a lot more sense than something as abstract as "I love you". My sons do say "thank you", and I have even gotten the occasional "you're the best mom ever!" when I do something they really, really like! But this is only now that they are older, and we are specifically teaching them about manners and when, why and how to give compliments, otherwise they certainly would not have started expressing themselves in this way if we hadn't specifically taught them the value in it (such as makes other people feel good, can make them enjoy being around you more and motivates them to do kind/helpful/special things on your behalf in future).

So I guess what I am saying is to teach the ins and outs of verbal demonstrativeness like you would any other social skill, but not to push the physical demonstrativeness if he doesn't like it (ask him and he'll probably tell you!), and not to take any of it personally (although this is sometimes very, very hard as a parent). I am sure he loves and appreciates you as much as any 5 year old can, whether he says it or not.

+1 to what Alice said, that was very well put.

It is hard to ignore the words and focus on the actions. The words can be taught and when the social norm your whole life is vocal communication that is a two way street, it is hard to not be hurt when that isn't a default.

I consider myself to be very high functioning, but when the woman who is now my wife first told me she was falling in love with me, I replied, "Thank you". Love is very complex, it is something that has different meanings for different kinds of love (the three latin words blah blah), and saying the same words to mean different things is a very hard concept to learn for anyone AS or Autism. If it is an automatically spoken thing just to fit in, the words will lose the meaning you want them to express. This one is going to be hard, but eventually he will figure out the ritual enough to express that he does in fact love you. Simple emotions are easier to adapt to and learn to communicate, but love is far from simple and that goes for NTs as well, so how much more of a challenge is it for us?

I don't have an answer to this, but I remember reading something similar online. The autistic boy's mother was wondering why her son had only told her that he loved her once in his life. When she asked him, he looked really surprised and answered "Why would I have to say it more than once? You know I do."

I think it's similar with your son; he just may not understand that it's something expected.

Yes, with both of my sons (one NT and the other AS). Although, they both have a way of surprising me from time to time. Furthermore, I didn't start expressing genuine appreciation to my parents until I was an adult and had walked a mile in their shoes.

I had an interesting thought reading this thread. My first reaction was, "I know it's a common problem, but my son says it all the time." But, wait. What he says is, "I love my mommy." Which means the same thing, of course, but maybe that less direct approach is simply easier for him to say.

I do know that he finds it silly how often I say "I love you." He went through a phase of looking at me odd and asking me why I was ALWAYS saying that, since it wasn't like he didn't know it already. The idea of repetively expressing an emotion seems odd to him. Ask him how his day went, and he'll wrap up all the common up and downs into a simple, "typical." If something that is normally up goes down or something that is normally down goes up, only then would he be inclined to say something more. Emotion is similar; if it hasn't changed, why express it? In a way, his use of, "I love my mommy" is more saying something because the kid likes to talk than a transfer of information. It is what he says when we cuddle, along with things like, "cuddle mommy!" (and that from a 12 year old ...).

ANYWAY, long and short of it, is I wonder if your son would find it easier to pick up and repeat the phrase if it were transmitted in a slightly different manner. If instead of you saying, "I love you," he might be more inclined to emulate, "I love my John."

And, of course, teaching that it is a common social convention to express such emotions repeatedly (without requiring that he adopt the social convention - that can backfire) is a good idea. But, whatever happens, remember that there are worse things than never hearing the one set of words. If it isn't how your child will choose to honor you, try not to make more of it than it is.

my son is also ver flat with info about what happened in day care or if he is sad or happy if it is not an extreme emotion. so we played a game whe he was younger like "what do you like better...." it included people, pets or things. the list of favorite things changed from time to time but the top place was always for toys, than chocolate or mommy (depending on a day), followed by a cat and than daddy. it sounds cruel but it was his opinion and gave us insight.
sometimes when he is mad for making him do something he would hug me while saying "i don't like mommy" . silly beautiful creature.

We noticed this with our 8 yr old DS well before we knew he had AS. We explained to him that it makes people feel good when you tell them "I love you" and it is something people who love you expect you to say back. Now he says it spontaneously and also as a response to "I love you." Hope that helps.

My son who is almost 5 never really says "I love you" on his own. He is very affectionate and gives the best hugs, and will now give little pecks on my cheeks. I agree with Annotated Alice. I think your son probably doesn't know that he is supposed to respond. I did tell my son " I love you" and then I said "now you say, I love you too." I don't force him to say it, I don't want that, but I did realize that I needed to teach him the response. Sometimes when he is hugging me, I ask him "do you love your mommy?" and he will say "yeah" That makes me happy!! !!

That was me in a nutshell! Aspies generally think of words as a way of communicating factual information, rather than conveying emotional reassurance. Then when I got a little older I became even less inclined to say it, since I started seeing instances of people saying such things in a dishonest and manipulative way. I preferred to express myself in ways that couldn't be faked.

Now of course I say "I love you" to my daughter every 30 seconds or so when she's around. But I don't kid myself - I don't say it for her, I say it for myself, because I love her so much. Once she starts talking more, I'll probably start saying it less.

pragmaticmom, rest assured that your son loves you and appreciates your love. He may just tolerate the hugs and kisses, as teenagers do, but it's okay for you to enjoy them. Think of hugging and kissing him as a prerogative of parenthood.