Keep in preschool?

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I posted this in the school forum, but thought I would try this one also. When my son started preschool at age 3, we began to hear about major behavior problems. He would be aggressive with other children and could not stay quiet during nap time. He eventually got kicked out of the first preschool for choking. His teacher says she didn't think he meant to hurt anyone and wasn't squeezing hard, but he could no longer attend. We attributed it to our divorce and discussed taking him to a counselor. He was with me during the summer (I am a teacher) and started a new preschool in August. He has been having problems on and off all year. He makes strange noises, gets upset over little things (ex: a small tear on paper, gets out of line while coloring), and has been aggressive towards his classmates. I have also noted he has been biting himself. His teacher said she would never describe him as "mean" even with the aggressive behaviors. It is more as if he can't help himself. He has a lot of trouble at lunch when they have to sit in very close quarters. He has good days and bad days. At home, we have a few issues like talking back/"lecturing" but for the most part he is happy and well-behaved. We have been taking him to a counselor and she mentioned she was picking up an "aspergers vibe". After my discussion with her, I decided to have him tested for Aspergers. He is very intelligent with a huge vocabulary. He began talking at around 7 months and talks a lot. He has a great memory. He is obsessed with vehicles. When he was younger, he lined everything up in a row. He still does this, but not all the time. He does get very upset if someone moves something out of place. His eye contact is so-so. Sometimes he is very alert to others, but I notice most of the time it takes a little to get his attention, and I constantly have to tell him someone is talking to him and he needs to respond. I also think he has sensory issues. We haven't got an official diagnosis yet, but I really think after everything I read that he has Asperger's. I guess I am just looking for tips to help his teacher. He responds well to me most of the time so I go down quite a bit to talk to him when he is having a rough day (I work at the same school he attends), but I would like the teacher to be able to handle things on his own. I am considering taking him out of preschool and putting him in an in-home daycare (with the woman who watched him until he started preschool). But I am afraid we will have the same problems next year in kindergarten. Any advice?? Thank you.

Is your son in a private pre-school? My son started a special needs pre-k when he was 3 through the public school system. He has had an IEP (individual education plan for 2 yrs. now.) The special ed teachers are trained to deal with these behaviors and how to work with your son at improving them. I did not see that you mentioned having one. If not, I would set up a meeting with the school if this is an option for you. It will make the transition to kindergarten much easier.

Hi. Right now he is in a public preschool that is part of the school district I work in (the building is PreK-12 grade). I haven't gotten an IEP yet although I am working on it. According to his preschool teacher, I need to have a diagnosis first. I vaguely remember discussing this in my education classes, but I don't deal with it much in my position so I am taking her word for it. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I had a nice long response written up and lost it in cyberspace. So, here goes effort number 2.

Your son's preschool experience reminds me so much of my son's. Perhaps the worst was the whole nap thing, given that he didn't nap, and was forced to try to be quiet for 2 hours. But he, too, was accused of choking, something the school had "never seen before."

20/20 hindsight and a lovely counselor later and I place all the problems firmly on the preschool. I should have pulled out the stops to move him out of there, but in that time and place it was so hard to see it. Once a child has a negative experience in a place, it is very difficult to overcome it, even when the direct issues are removed, as they eventually were for my son. He was reacting in the only way he knew how to tell us that something was wrong; that many things were wrong. It just wasn't the right school for him. It wasn't a bad school, just not right for him. Among other things, they were not proactive with the kids, in figuring out how each unique child ticked and then gently redirecting kids to avoid problems. My daughter's preschool managed that beautifully, 3 years down the road; I do wonder how things would have been if my son had been able to go there, instead. But it's hard to know what is missing until you see it.

Basically, sticking to a poor fit isn't going to help your child learn to adjust; it will just make things difficult for him. Once my son got to K it was like a dark cloud had lifted from his shoulders, and he did really well.

While some AS kids have sensory issues that will make almost any group schooling difficult, most seem to be able to adjust when placed in the right environment for them with caring staff willing to figure out how to deal with their unique characteristics. If your child turns out to be in the former group, no amount of forcing the issue will overcome the barriers. If your child is in the later group, you need to know that he can and should thrive in a school environment, and it is worth the extra effort to give him that. Sometimes the child needs to be moved. Yes, change is difficult, but sometimes the cost of not making that change is higher.

You have the opportunity to make the one change I continue to regret not having made for my son: taking him out of an environment that was not working for him. While there are many ways your situation may be different from mine, my reaction reading your post was an unequivocable, get him out of there. But, then again, I may be a little biased

Wow, this was like reading about my own son! He spoke around 7 months as well, and uses a vocabulary that rivals most university students. But what really stood out for me was your mention of the choking incidents and how the teacher felt he wasn't trying to hurt anyone. That happened with my son as well, except his teacher was oblivious to the cause and didn't care to figure it out - I knew my son was very gentle and would never 'choke' anyone, but she just kept saying he was choking kids and needed to stop. I kept saying we need to figure out what the underlying cause is, which fell on deaf ears.

This was all before his diagnosis. We later discovered the 'choking' was sensory seeking behaviour - and not really choking at all. A better word for it would be 'squeezing', as "choking" implies an intent to harm.

If the preschool didn't recognize these signs, and wasn't willing to work with him before a diagnosis, I would doubt it will be the right fit after a diagnosis. I pulled my son out of the school that treated him poorly before we knew he had Aspergers, because I don't think a label should determine how willing a school is to work with and help a child.

I would definitely recommend you take him to an OT and have him assessed for sensory processing issues. If he had them, and they are an underlying cause of the 'choking' etc, then you can begin to address and alleviate those right away, regardless of which school he is in

This also sounds all too familiar to me. In one sense I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
My son's pre-school has recognized that he has sensory issues and they have been making good attmepts to work with him. However they are giving me signs that he will not be welcome back next year (he just turned 4 and we were planning on having him at the same pre-school again next year). For my son, putting him back in the daycare that he previously attended would likely result in fewer tantrums and probably little or no aggressive behavoior because in this family type setting there are no real expectations of him that test his limits. I am afraid that going back to that setting would be exactly that, taking a step backwards. He will eventually need to face public school as there is no way our family has the means to homeschool him and there are no private schools here that would be in any better position to handle his behavioral problems.

I can't say enough good things about the OT that has been working with my son, so I would adamantly agree with Caitlin that you look into finding one for your child. Our pediatrician prescribed the OT treatment so our insurance is covering most of the cost of weekly visits. He/she will teach you how to put your kiddo on a sensroy diet if sensory processing issues are the problem.

Simple steps that we have taken at school are:
having a pair of ear protectors available for him to put on when noise levels in the classroom become uncomfortable
having a "space place" in the classroom where he can go when he isn't able to participate in what the other kids are doing (this is a kid sized place under a shelf that allows him to at least partically block off the sensory stimulation)
Visual charts for the day's activities and for particualr tasks that he has trouble completing (this winter it was getting outdoor clothes on to go outside, this resulted in a tantrum on an almost daily basis before they started using the visual chart)
having a squeezy ball/toy (e.g. the OT and I made GAK the other day and put it into balloons, this makes an excellent hand fidget or a good thing to squeeze instead of other students and is very cheap to make)

With my son we have to kinda keep inventing new tactics because we find a particular tactic works for a while to calm him when he starts to get or already is upset but then it seems to lose its impact.

Hoep any of this helps!

Thank you all so much for the advice. We did the assessment and, while we won't have the official report for a few weeks, the assessor said she felt he did indeed have Asperger's although it leans towards the mild side. He had a much better week last week so we are going to try to make it the rest of the year. We are doing a sticker chart at home, and I have given his teacher some tips that seem to help at home. He tries hard, but he lacks impulse control and also gets overstimulated at lunch time. I am trying to get an IEP although the special education director told me unless his communication/speech was impaired he probably wouldn't qualify. His verbal skills are great; it is the behavior we are having the problems with. I have spoken to my son's counselor and a friend of mine in special ed, though, and I think I will be able to get him one even if it takes a little "fighting". Bombaloo, I will have to talk to his teacher about some of your suggestions. I think they might help my son also. Thanks again for all the wonderful advice and reassurance!

I am not from the US but my understanding from friends I have there, is that any child on the spectrum qualifies for an IEP. I could be wrong about that, but I would look into your rights. One common thread in nearly all the information I've seen about IEPs is that parents really need to self-advocate and learn their rights.