I feel I should push her towards NT, but she ENJOYS computer

Post Reply New Topic

^Yes^

'Indulgent', indeed! The terrifying thing is, you talk as though you actually believe that by 'not indulging' Aspergian traits, you could change her into something she isn't.

That is the one most damaging thing you could ever do to her. If she is HFA, you cannot browbeat that out of her - the attempt would only make her hate herself and resent you. AS is enough of a handicap without being made to feel even more alienated and worthless because you're held to standards of behavior that you are not capable of meeting.

And if you need proof of that, just ask anyone here who made it into middle age before being diagnosed, how their parents, teachers, coaches and employers have made them feel over the years by insisting that they were stupid, stubborn, lazy, obstinate, clumsy, insubordinate, thickheaded, freaks, geeks, troublemakers, nerds and oddballs.

That said, I don't see anything in your description that would strongly indicate AS. I think talking to oneself is a natural behavior that NTs learn to repress as they grow up because its viewed as socially askew.

If she indeed is on the autism spectrum, forcing her to act NT or to give up her interest may make her APPEAR more NT, but it will come at the expense of your daughter's happiness. Your daughter may come to resent or even dislike you. Trying to change an autistic person int a neurotypical person would be like converting a CRT (picture tube) based TV into a LCD one. If she develops any social problems, it would be best to del with those, but don't try to change her underlying neurological makeup.

Thanks for helping me realize that if there is one person from whom it may be wisest to hide our daughter's happiness, that would be my mother. My mom does not handle happy little girls well at all (not seeing the happiness at all in the best case; vicious, sabotaging envy in the worst case). I can't change what happened to me, but my kids I can protect, and the required (additional) awareness grows e.g through this thread.

Athena

Athena,

I really sympathized with your post because my daughter is also a high-functioning - or mild, whichever sounds better - Aspie. In fact, my ex-husband refuses to believe she even has Aspergers. So I have a lot of "bad conscience" moments where I second guess myself and wonder, "Am I producing more Aspergers-like symptoms by my belief that she has it?" And of course this is not true, but it doesn't stop me from questioning myself sometimes. The fact is, even though she hasn't been diagnosed, it has been clear since a friend of the family asked if she'd had it and I started reading about it; that's when everything fell into place and ALL those little mysteries suddenly made sense. Those who know her well (her father excluded) can easily see this is what she has. Now that I'm modifying my treatment of her, things are going better. Armed with all of this knowledge, WHY do I continue to doubt myself?

For the same reason I doubt myself when parenting my NT child, of course.

Go easy on yourself, Athena...the fact that you overthink things means you are doing your very best to parent your wonderful daughter.

Inkative, you hit the bulls-eye! And I can add: "Am I subconsciously wishing she was more like me (and her father and big sister) and thus putting psychological pressure on her? Is she maybe choosing these 'nerdy/geeky' activities, because I like such activities, instead of due to her own interests?" Thankfully, it does not appear so, when I look at her objectively (manage to shake my doubts for a while).



Thank you, that warmed my heart!

Athena

I wonder how much the "instead of" makes sense there. Most kids use their parents as role models, so their own interests end up being related to what their parents do and like. Certainly from your original post, it's clear that she's pursuing her own interests, whether or not they're your interests too, so that sounds great.

As for the social things - I have to admit that a lower chance of teen pregnancy doesn't look like a disadvantage any more now that I'm a parent.

Last edited by psychohist on 21 May 2010, 3:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

My parents tried to make me earn my coumputer time (a half an hour of computer for an hour of schooling with no problems) and it just made me more anxious and depressed. I used the computer as an outlet to write stories and make my own video games about my special intrests and making the games WAS a special intrest in itself. If my parents didn't realise this was a mistake as soon as they did, I would have become sucidial. We later found out it was the medication I was on making me have so much trouble with school and when my mum learned I had serious learning disabilties and wasn't so forceful with the issue. Eventualy they let me use the computer as much as I wanted and only took it away when I was truely horid but my mum felt quilty and almost always let me have it back because there was usualy a reason for my being horid.

But anyway, you can't "cure" or "fix" AS related "nerdiness" or "geakieness". Withholding acess to a special intrest only leads to frustration and depression for someone with AS. It seems as if dinosaurs are a special intrest for your daugher perhaps you could take her to the museum to see the dinosaurs if she is extra good.

We have just come back from a 3 day Summit at the Davidson's Institute for Young Scholars (Profoundly Gifted). One of the speakers there said one of the most important things you can do for your child is to let them play. Playing allows them to engage in problem solving. Your child is productively playing. To be fully engaged in an interest is highly productive. Encourage such traits. Remember, most children don't excel because they fit in...they don't fully focus on any one thing. Don't ever worry about a child not fitting in...a leader doesn't follow the trends...he sets them. They will always be out of the norm...to be in the norm is to be average. A child having a profound interest in something...makes them profoundly interesting. That child shall set new limits and will be able to lead others to it and beyond...a leader.

Look at the difference between a child who takes violin at school and learns one song and the child who endlessly practices the scales and more difficult pieces and eventually becomes the concert violinist.

Excellence demands concentration...the ability to focus with the utmost determination. Being able to do that is a gift to be encouraged at every turn. The ability for an Aspie to do so is an attribute and not a deficit.