*§*AS-Parent Support Group*§*

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I am a single mom w/ undiagnosed AS (163/200) and diagnosed ADD with a son (age 11) diagnosed AS w/ ADD. We are a lot alike. I think he manages better than I did socially but I never had the degree of sensory issues that he has. I am able to help him with things that I have learned (not that he listens) but I worry about my ability to help him with things I still struggle with. I can at least give him a safe haven where he is free to be who he is but I want him to be able to manage life better than I have been able to. I'm too tired to think of a specific issue but I just wanted to say I'm glad to see this thread. I think AS parents have unique issues to deal with. Personally if an NT parent wants to drop by and offer an insight, I'm glad to hear it.

This thread seems to have got lost in the *noise*.... A shame as there have clearly been enough people interested to make it worthwhile. The pattern with social groups in general is that if the group has similar interests to you, you will join, the group will grow and *lean* a little more in your direction - and away from those who are different. I suspect most AS parents of NT children would *move along* as there doesn't seem to be much here for us..

Anyway...

Having confidence as a parent is difficult for us when we have been made to feel our utter *wrongness* in most things we do. From my viewpoint, much of what passes for 'normal' parenting is 'wrong', but it is parenting according to the overwhelming majority opinion, hence the parents are confident in their correctness. They may damage their children, but at least their children will be damaged similarly to all the others ....


Insight from an NT? I think it's human nature that we only make the effort to think deeply about anything, when things go badly wrong. Or when we can profit from it in some way. As long as everything is 'fairweather', we're happy, our children are causing no problems etc, people in general just accept it. It's when problems appear, when our life seems radically different to those around us, that we start to ask questions.

Most people seem to get 'reinforced' by feeling similar to most other people. It's something we lack as our experience is of feeling different, and usually wrong. So this adds extra problems to parenting. No peer group support.

A good thing about threads like this is to find you are not alone. Hearing the viewpoint of other AS parents reduces the feeling of being totally isolated and uniquely disadvantaged. Well, I've felt that at times, still do occasionally.

I'm so glad you perked this thread up . I hope it continues. If I have done one thing right it is to keep the lines of communication open with my son. He's not afraid to tell me how he feels and when he has a conflict with someone else we can discuss his options calmly.
I love your wicked signature

So an AS parent is more likely to think about/question things? Perhaps. Or maybe an AS parent just has more practice being outside his/her comfort zone.

Here is an example of a typical conversion that goes on when i'm with other parents:

Parent 1:
My child refuses to do X. Everyone else seems to have a child that can do X, so it must be important for my child to do X. How can i get my child to be like everyone else. How do i make/manipulate/cojole/force my child to do X?

Parent 2 thru Y (where Y=number of parents in the room - me):
I have/had the same problem! My trick/treatment is blah blah blah.

Me:
Do you know *why* the child refuses to do X? Do you know why it is that important to *you*? What happens if the child doesnt do X? If most children are resistant to doing X, perhaps there is an inherent reason. What is the reason for doing X in the first place. When did it start? Did we do it? Why? Why? Why? blah blah blah

Yes, as a generalisation. What you say about being outside the comfort zone is interesting, I feel as if I'm nearly *always* outside of it to some extent, unless I'm by myself. Sometimes other people say things that surprise me how upset they seem by a small thing - mismatching wall tiles, or something. And maybe those things could only be so upsetting when your life is just an endless chain of nice, comfortable situations that cause you to feel wonderful.



So well put!! ! Yes, exactly *that* conversation. Which is probably why I am generally ignored by the other parents.

I just spent the last two hours reading this thread. I can't believe I've been away from WP for over a year. I've been busy - I managed to finish my master's degree and starting teaching at a community college last semester. It's incredibly demanding - so many people to deal with on a daily basis.

Since I've been gone, my children have grown up and moved out. I have an empty nest, and I really like it. I'm still having problems as a parent, though. My 20 year old daughter can't stand my partner so she won't see me unless he's not around. So I don't see her very often. My 19 year old is mad at me because her boyfriend convinced her that I'm a bad person. So she won't even talk to me. The holidays were lonely this year.

I always thought parenting would get easier as they got older. It never got easier for me. Just less time-consuming. I wonder if I'd have a better relationship with them if I didn't have AS.

Being a parent with AS parenting an AS child is definitely an experience when my son was born I had severe post partum depression and basically just checked out and nursed him . Oddly enough he began speaking at 9mo (but didnt crawl )and now at 7 yrs old test at high average-high intelligence with a solid 4th-5th grade reading level. People tell me I should understand him because I am AS they dont seem to understand that in the day to day struggles of life this is actually much harder. My 4 yo daughter is very NT though I suspect some auditory processing problems I often say she got both of our missing social skills combined . She is so easy to deal with and completely knows how to deal with me this only makes her brothers differences more apparent , he adores her but hates her for this. I want so badly to have a good relationship with my son but its so hard when neither of us know how to communicate and we both melt down sometimes simultaneously no fun as you can imagine.

Yeah I have one who is NT and the other I think is aspie. It is much easier to get along with and communicate with the NT daughter. I can understand what my "aspie" daughter is going through, but she is very resistant to me and won't talk to me at all these days (she's 18 so I can't help her in the slightest). If she'd let me in I think I could help her understand what she's going through. I'm hoping this is just a phase and she'll change soon. Also, when she melts down it tends to make me lose it as well.

Last edited by MsTriste on 03 Jan 2010, 1:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

speaking as someone around that age
I donno
teens don't tend to be open with their problems and the AS makes it even more of a closed issue
I don't talk to my parents about anything

mind you they couldn't help to save their lives so I don't waste my time

My son is undiagnosed (waiting...waiting..waiting..) AS. Upon researching I've realized I share many many many traits. I don't plan to seek diagnosis for myself but I consider myself AS.

I don't regret my choice to have kids. I am an amazing mom. It's my passion, and my kids are wonderful and the biggest joy in my life.

I'd like to see such a forum.

Reading this thread has been such a comfort to me. That I/we are not alone in the challenges of being AS and parenting.

I would LOVE a permanent place for this - that is only for Parents who have AS, with children who do or do not have spectrum disorders.

I don't come to WP very often because I find it very overwhelming. But my website is supposed to be just that. I don't mind people registering who don't meet the criteria, but it is supposed to be a place for AS parents. I've also continued to look for someone who has NT or NT/ASD mixed children to blog on things they see important. So if anyone is interested. I know that different issues pop up with everyone. Both my kids are ASD not AS, but I'm AS myself, and my husband is AS-lite (ADHD to be exact, can "do" social interaction but chooses not to).

Link is in signature. And if you don't like the style of the website, let me know. I can see what I can do to get something that most everyone likes. I've changed the look 4 times since I started it in Fall '08.

I love being a mom.
Yes its hard. Yes I hate being forced to be social. I have over stimulation issues, Question myself as a parent, Wonder If i'm doing it right, exc.. I worry, I complain sometimes, I find it hard when my daughters friends are over, and I can barely hold myself together dealing with NT "professionals" who want to help my newborn son with problems that he doesnt have. But being an AS inclined parent can be a good thing too. I know things that I believe NT parents wouldnt think about. I try to understand my children instead of assuming that they are stupid or too little (or too anything) to understand. When one of the kids has obviously had a bit too much, we turn down the lights and talk, or read, or meditate and de-stress together. I keep figgit toys, (they are just cool) I know how to stop a meltdown in the kids, because I know what helps me, and That gives me an advantage. I have learned to accept that there is nothing you can prepare for when It comes to kids. and that I have more to learn from them then I have to teach them. All in all Its been a positive expereince. I do not know If my children have inherrited my quirkyness, but I hope they can find a way to accept their own. Being weird is a good thing in this family. and not being weird is ok too. as long as your being yourself.

I don't know whether the poll meant by AS Parents: "Parents of those with AS," "AS folks that happen to be Parents," or, in all probability, "Both of the above."

I am neither, but I have AS and I help out a group of "Parents of those with AS" in my local community located in Fargo, ND. I was invited by the parents support groups to be a resource, and I've obliged them for the past two years on a pretty regular basis sans. A contingent of them might respond well to a reliable online place to mostly rant about that stuff. Idk.

It's actually the latter. AS people that happen to be parents. There is already a forum on here for parents of those with ASDs. We with AS that also are parents are in a different sort of predicament. Think for a second about what it takes to become a parent. It means we have enough social skills to gain a romantic and/or sexual relationship with a partner for long enough to get pregnant. We have to have enough self understanding to know that we are equipped to raise the child. We then start raising that child, but are then expected to be like typical parents. Some of us have ASD children, others do not.

We are expected to handle 'playdates', parks, PTA and all the social events and politics that go along with it. On top of it, many of us end up with social services at one point or another questioning our ability to parent. Just because we are unconventional doesn't mean we can't take good care of our kids. People don't see that our children in general are usually pretty happy and healthy, they just see what we're doing 'wrong.' So it's definitely a very different dynamic and a different world.

Ah. Okay. That makes more sense as I saw the forum for parents already. I'm actually very new to this despite having an account that's over a year old.

I cannot outright imagine parenthood because it scares me at a fundamental level.

However, I do help a neurotypical parent group (that have AS children) enough to know that there's a very bizarre social pecking order just among parents in regards to cross-expectations and providing rapport. More bizarre than the stuff I see in the workplace or recall seeing from my time in college. Just the idea of forcing kids into "playdates" while the parents talk about small talky things for an extended period of time brings an innate fear.

Good luck?