dealing with family

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This is my first post here. My 13 yr old son has Asperger's. He is definitely on the milder side of the spectrum. He attends public school. He does not have any extra services. For the most part, he is just another kid at school and he does well. He does deal with social struggles. He has a group of friends but he definitely misses social ques and deals with the problems that that creates. He is, in general, a good kid. He is not a behavior problem. His teachers like him. The only time behavior becomes an issue is when he doesn't understand a situation or when he has already put one foot into trouble (then he can spiral and it's not always pretty). Thankfully, he reserves these meltdowns for home.

Here's my current problem. My brother-in-law and his 19 yr old son are horrible at dealing with my son. I think because my son can come across as so normal, that they do not believe his diagnosis...or they expect him to be normal. I think they feel he is just a brat. For example, 2 years ago at my daughter's birthday, my son did not come to the table to sing. He had quietly removed himself. I felt that he must have needed the break so I didn't go get him. His sister didn't care. I didn't care. It just wasn't a very big deal. I overheard my brother-in-law say to my nephew, "I would go get him and drag him up by his belt." Well today my nephew texted my husband. He said he has lost patience with my son (like he ever has been). Apparently my son goes to school with my nephew's girlfriend's brother. My son, jokingly. told her brother, that my nephew was a doofus and his girlfriend should go out with him. In my son's mind, he was totally joking. He's 13...it's not like he was trying to take the 19 yr old's girl friend...and he does not really think the 19 yr old is a doofus. It was just trash-talk and goofing off from a kid that doesn't quite get that it might not come across as funny. Well my nephew is off the deep end over this and I am sure I will hear from my brother-in-law too. My husband does not want to say much to defend my son because he knows that it will cause a huge family war. My brother-in-law (husband's brother) does not handle confrontation well at all, and he does not let anything die. I am just sick of dealing with them. I don't need the added stress of worrying about how they are going to treat my son. Our lives cross paths too much to really completely avoid them. Plus, my other 4 kids (and even my son) enjoy seeing their cousins (my nephew has 3 older sisters. They come to watch my kids play sports and they will babysit for us).

I guess, more than anything, I need to vent....but I will gladly take any advice and/or words from people going through this.

Thanks..
Jess

Venting is good. For the most part, you aren't going to be able to change them or their attitudes. As long as they recognize that you are the parent and have the right to make your own choices for your child, you can let their opinions slide.

On the situation with the girlfriend, just apologize to them, and say it was an inappropriate attempt at a joke and you are sorry that it upset them. Tell them you have already discussed the situation with your son and do not believe it will happen again (you don't have to say anything more, not how or why or what was said). If they try to get into it further with you, just say, "I understand how you feel and we are dealing with it." Nothing beyond the apology is their business and hopefully they recognize that and do any further fuming they need to do in private.

It is really common for family members to blame our kid's issues on poor discipline. You can and probably should gently continue to try to educate them, but it's best not to be too optimistic about results. You don't have to listen to any lectures or opinions, and there is no point in worrying about the grumbling they do in private. When you raise an AS child, or are on the spectrum, you have to let go of caring what other people think, because they rarely "get" it. And that often includes family, unfortunately.

I've been lucky that my family has come around. Took a while, but they've figured it out. They had to do it in their own time and own way; my nudges were really gentle. Some things we just can't control.

Hey Jess, I wanted to quote this because you said it and it stuck out to me. Since it is your husbands family and they are doing things that are upsetting you, is it not strange that he wouldn't say "much" to defend your son. In my opinion it seems like all it would take would be a lay off hes different and he doesn't need you pointing it out all the time in his own home kinda thing. This is one of the few golden rules people try and teach children....just common courtesy if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all.

and if it doesn't change after that you can have the fun times of just plain ignoring every comment that comes out of their mouth. If that doesn't work tell him off aspie style, oblivious and blunt. It doesn't keep friends but it gets your point across.

Sorry just ranting because I didn't like the way I read that I might have misinterpreted that or my advise might not work but I know what its like to be looked at as normal and judged by that standard and fail to live up to it, and feel for you and your son.

Your son sounds really cool.

I'd talk to him about how easily some people get offended by things and about how this whole social exchange went wrong, not in a punitive way, but just to help him see how things work and plan future actions. I'd probably keep trying to explain the social blindness thing to the family and hoping they'd get a clue. I run into people who think there can't be anything "wrong" with my kids and by golly they'd better start acting like everybody else right away. I try to educate them, avoid them, and protect my kids as best I can.

We do a lot of talking through social things. I've got 13 and 11yo Aspie sons. My 13yo has a bunch of other major problems, but the 11yo gets along in the world pretty well. He's got ADHD so runs into attention problems sometimes, or impulse control, but he's generally so well behaved people just don't realize that he needs quiet and understanding sometimes.

Good Luck

Can the relatives. Your son is the most important. Do what is best for him...period. Relatives are supposed to be willing to fight the rest of the world if necessary...nothing less. They don't deserve the presence of you or your son. Your home is your castle and refuge. ANYONE who makes you feel uncomfortable should be banned. Your son must know that you will be the sacred guardian of his realm so he may feel at peace, at least, when he is there. He will also know that regardless how stormy the seas on the outside, he will have a friendly harbor with you as harbor master.

Protect and guide....a parents mantra...to hell with anyone who disagrees with you on that point!

Can you hand your brother-in-law a book. Say, Tony Attwood's "Everything about Aspergers"? (I think that's the title.)

And say something to the tune of, "Since ___________insert son's name_____ 's on the mild end of the spectrum I've decided to educate those closest to us about him so everyone can understand what makes him unique."

Turn it into a WE thing and pretend that you aren't singling him out.

He needs education. Among other things--people that you can't easily bring things up with do not stay long in my life. Since he's family, you have no choice but to be clever.

Cleverly educate him is my advice.

I'm afraid I have no advice, but I can certainly commiserate. My daughter is the same way - on the mild end of the spectrum to the point that even her father, my ex-husband, thinks she's normal and that I'm making something out of nothing. (Although I should point out that he has brain injury, and there are many other people in her life who can see exactly what I'm talking about.)

I also deal with relatives - my ex and his family - getting mad at my daughter when she doesn't behave in a way that they can understand. A lot of times it's a situation where she initially didn't do anything, or much of anything, wrong, but because they tried to deal with her in the same way they would deal with my son, she doesn't respond favorably and then THEY don't respond favorably and then it's a hot mess.

Oh, but you see my brother-in-law is an expert...on everything. After all he has a kid with an autistic spectrum disorder in his class at school. His wife has done a little research online (not sure why) so surely she knows more than we do and even more than the trained professionals that we consult.

This is the problem...my Brother-in-law and his family will NEVER accept that they share even a sliver of responsibilty in any disagreement they have. It just isn't possible.

Thank you all for the responses. It helps to know that others have delat with this. It also helps to be reassured that we are not worng for trying to protect our kids from people like my brother-in-law.

Jess

There's not much you can do with people who only see things one way, their way. It's a shame that things have gotten ugly between your families but unless they learn some humility and empathy I don't think there is much you can do. You never know, maybe life will deal them some cards they can't cope easily with and they'll find out they aren't always right.

Sounds to me like your brother in law maybe on the spectrum???? And hey, I would be proud of what your son said about that girl, that is something a typical 13 year old who is joking around would say!! I LOVE IT God these kids amaze me! And gees, I get why your son left the room when everyone was going to sing. Hello, to much noise and probably already over stimulated from being around a bunch of noisy people! My 14 year old ASD does the same thing! Maybe he just wanted to get away from your annoying brother in law and his son! Please tell me your husband sticks up for your son against his brother..if he does not, this could help with the situation, if he does and his brother is still like this..I suggest you tell him to go and get checked himself and then you'll talk!