Successful Discipline styles for our kids?

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I think moving would be too an extreme of an action to take, but it would helps to find out how your daughter formed a connection in her mind that home = fear. I was the same way, but my parents thought that the best way to stop the fear is scolding; oh well. I honestly don't remember how and why I had chronic insomnia at home but not at other places; quite possibly, the authoritarian household I grew up in added fuel to the fire. A few times a month, my parents would send me to sleep over at my grandparents', and to me, it was practically a holiday. While my bedtime there was almost the same, I had a lot less difficulty falling asleep, although I still woke up early.

If you have grandparents, aunts and uncles, or other relatives your daughter doesn't see on a daily basis, perhaps you can send your daughter to sleep over there from time to time. But for a more long-term solution, try to find out what started the home = fear connection in the first place. When you're both outside, ask your daughter if she had any nightmares that were set in her own home. Pick them apart piece by piece (again, while outside), so that your daughter will learn to look for key elements that will tell her that what she's seeing is only a dream.

Wow, Aspie1 I think you are right on target here. It is hard for me to understand how a dream that occurred over a year ago can still be causing fear associated with falling asleep but I really think that is what is going on. She is very visual and that dream scarred her, she still talks about it. How do I disassociate the dream from where the dream occurred?

I cannot allow her to stay over at my mom's house. My mom is not understanding of the AS and can become quickly frustrated with my daughter. She has spent the night with my best friend beforeand has done well, but she lives 3 hours away so it is not convenient.

I do have to admit that I had a fairly authoritarian approach to my daughter prior to her diagnosis of AS a year ago. Since then I have become obsessed with learning how to help her, giving her a lot of leeway with her behavior, especially when it is sensory based or due to the AS differentials. I am always fearful that I have scarred her with not understanding her up to her 6th birthday and trying so hard to condition her responses from an NT perspective. All I can do is go forward from here and hope that I can repair the trust with her.

She hjas described "the dream" with me at great length. She gets highly upset however if I bring it up.

It sounds from an earlier post that your daughter sleeps okay if she can sleep with you. Could you allow her to do that for another year or so? Perhaps that would be enough time to allow the memory to fade, if it weren't reinforced by her fear.

Your daughter has struggled with many things my son also struggles with. He had nightmares/terrors, insomnia etc for YEARS! He was afraid to fall asleep b/c of his nightmares which only made him more sleep deprived and prone to fears/anxiety/nightmares. We put him on melatonin and it has done wonders. He no longer fears sleeping. There is hope! We also use Calcium Magnesium too. I would highly recommend this for your daughter. YOu may find that she is no longer needing to sleep in your bed b/c she is comfortable and falling asleep (and staying asleep) in her own. There are little to no side affects with these supplements.

I wish I understood half what you know when my daughter was seven. It's really hard. And it's dynamic. The child's behavior is always changing in response to the way that you change. This month's perfect solution may be totally ineffective next month.

Some things that I learned from dealing with my own daughter may be helpful:

She is very sensitive to rejection. She has difficulty distinguishing discipline about a specific thing (e.g. you threw a book across the room) from a total rejection (my Daddy doesn't love me any more)

She clings when she feels rejected. I had the same experience as you so many times with "timeout" She wont stay in the timeout! As a parent I'm thinking that she needs some time to calm down and maybe there's some minor punishment in not being able to do some activities for 10 minutes. But she's just freaking out because she thinks Daddy doesn't want me any more.

To the greatest extent possible, I try to stay calm even as she gets agitated. I try to to reassure her that Daddy loves her. And I try to explain that any discipline is related to a very specific behavior, but that I still love her.

Effective discipline becomes a difficult judgment of what is significant enough to get her attention without traumatizing her. Plenty of scope for failure.

Good luck.

AlienPapa, you are so right. What is SO frustrating is what works at one time doesn't work another so the suggestions of "consistency" just do not work for us! If I "consistently" use the same response I would be a crazy person using an ineffective tool over and over expecting a better response.

At times, I feel as though I am losing my mind. These times are very difficult for me. I become so depressed and hopeless and under great weight of feeling as though my daughter will not ever effectively be able to follow the rules of society and I will be forever taking care of her, hoping she does not fall into the legal system. Last night we had an especially difficult night. My daughter would not fall asleep, was extremely agitated and purposely (it seemed) doing things to get in trouble (saying rude things to me, refusing to get into bed, demanding food, turning on the TV). This lasted until midnight. I tried so hard to keep calm, cool, and collected but felt completely controlled by the situation. I was unable to go to sleep myself, or withdraw from the situation because she wouldn't let me (would follow me around the house) and because I didn't want her to hurt herself. I tried to use CPS with her last night, trying to mutually come up with a solution (such as she can stay in her room with lights on by herself until she fell asleep) but she wouldn't be reasoned with. She said her body was itchy all over and she couldn't fall asleep. At these times her eyes have dark red circles around them and she becomes hyper alert, hyper sensitive, and fidgety, with fast jerky movements.

I have tried Melatonin and it will work if she falls asleep within an hour after taking it but after that it is just the same thing. What is the Calcium Magnesium? Where do I get some?

I know that she is just as miserable at these times as I am. I am just at a loss on how to help her. It seems I have asked everyone for help (Drs, therapists) and no one knows what to do. If I cannot find an effective discipline or way to calm her down I will be forced to medicate her and I really do not want to do that!

Yesterday morning she had earned enough stickers to go to a movie she had been wanting to see (a rated G film) but things went awry midday and she refused to leave the house. Things just spiraled downward from there and she was unable to recover for the entire day. I know there are "bad days" but yesterday was a 12 hour nightmare for both of us. I left her alone to see if she could calm and regroup but she would periodically come out of her room agitated and angry. I have her on a healthy diet and I know that yesterday she ate pickles. I am trying to keep a log to see if anything is food related.

What I think? The first thing that you need to address is her sleep issue.

I was terrified to go to sleep at night as a child. I used to run very high fevers due to frequent ear infections which caused me to hallucinate. I also had very vivid and disturbing dreams that would stay with me all day. Going to bed usually meant I was about to have an upsetting experience.

Think about it - If you're over tired all the time, you are not going to function properly simply from lack of sleep. It's going to be very difficult to work on other behaviors as well. I think personally this should be your main focus - creating a happy bed time routine and developing strategies to minimize the trauma of her nightmares if and when they happen.

Bed-time routines can be involved or simple. You'll know what's best for your child. Usually it's advisable to limit screen time before bed (bright artificial lights can interfere with the body's triggers that say "it's time for rest"). Does she like to read or be read to? Does she enjoy coloring or music? These are all good alternatives to TV and computer time. Encourage her to talk about a subject she enjoys. Offer her some warm milk or a relaxing tea if she'll try it. Chamomile is nice and many kids like Sleepy time tea as well. Sometimes a warm bath or shower will help. Magnesium supplements are great for promoting relaxation and rest. I give my son a liquid that's bubble gum flavored and he loves it (the itchy comment and jerkiness you described makes me think that this might be a help for her - I am familiar with those sensations too and they're very uncomfortable). There's at least one online retailer that I know of who sells it.

Figure out what works to put her in a good frame of mind. You could try the melatonin in conjunction with any of these other suggestions too. If she won't sleep away from you, the other possibility is to get a mattress or cot that will fit in your room and let her sleep there out of your bed as a start. Ask her if she wants to try sleeping in her own room periodically, but don't push.

Getting her into a good habit may take some time. She may not be able to sleep as much as she needs at night - encourage her to lay down and rest somewhere that she feels safe during the day. It may seem impossible but it's so important. It took me until my thirties to be able to rest properly. When my son was born, ensuring that he got enough rest was my top priority and thank God we've been very successful with that (so far). And he will wake and night to come to our bed. We still let him - he'll sleep in his own bed all night when he's comfortable. If he's not rested he is a totally different kid and is completely unreasonable and inconsolable.

I also want you to understand that the bad people she is talking about are very very real to her, and there is no amount of talking you will do to convince her otherwise. It might be better to try talking to her about what the people want and why they are mean and see if there is something she can do to turn them to be on her side or to find a better place to go. When she is receptive of course - pushing can make things worse. My mother used to ask me to talk about it and had me draw pictures (this was an activity we did together quite often).

Do the best you can to give up the guilt you feel about not understanding her behavior in the past. It's useless to her and to you. People make mistakes and children are very resilient. Move forward and do the best you can to understand what and why she's doing things now.

I am so sorry that it is so difficult. I know how hard it is. I have a screaming son who's been belligerent and intolerable all day (and I LOVE the dickens out of him) at the moment. It's all I can do not to go crazy myself! You will make it through and so will she. I'm also sorry that you haven't found the help you so desperately need. I have found a good play therapist recently that is going to give me advice and help our son to process what he goes through. I have also had tips from other therapists that have been insightful and invaluable. Unfortunately, what works for one child doesn't always work for another. I hope you find what you need.

Calcium Magnesium can be found in a health food store (or at a Walmart etc) in liquid or chewable form. It's minerals that help the body to relax. I have found it helps for me too!

Please check your email.

It is impossible for me to believe that these issues are all about the lack of sleep. My mom thinks all my daughter's issues are a result of my poor parenting skills. My ex is completely removed and numbed out from the reality of my daughter's issues. Other than that I am alone. I have never been a social person so I have no friends to turn to for help or advice. So here I am on a message board asking for advice!

I am really upset today. Last night was another bad night. I am going to try to describe in details the events so that someone can give me advice:

My daughter had a relatively good day. We ended up going to the movie which she really, really liked. After the movie, my mom asked us to come over for dinner. Because I have my daughter eat healthy we stopped on the way to pick up a salad. We went to my mom's and ate. During dinner she dropped to the floor. She has done this before. She will lick the floor or do some other inappropriate behavior then look at me. I told her to please get up off the floor. She got back up to the chair. Took a few bites, then dropped back down. A few seconds later my stepdad cries out in shock/pain because my daughter has bitten his ankle. I get up, pack our stuff and prepare to leave. My daughter is very upset about this because she wanted to stay. She is crying in the backseat of the car as we drive away.

We get about a mile down the road on the highway and she starts kicking my seat-hard. She also starts yelling at me "I hate you! You're a mean mom! I don't want to be around you!" I say "Stop kicking my seat right now!" She keeps kicking. I pull over on the side of the road. I tell her I will not allow her to ride in my car and abuse me like this. I ask "Do you need to get out of the car or are you going to stop kicking me and calm down?" She gets very upset at this and says "No, I'll calm down!" Evidently this frightened her (the thought of getting out on the side of the road) and she was silent all the way home.

Once home she goes directly to watching tv. I let her watch about 45 minutes and then said it's time for bath. I came in and reminded her time for bath about 3 times. She finally came in and took a bath. I put Epsom in the bath but she wasn't in long enough to get any effect. After bath she decides to go lay in my bed. I came in and told her "why don't we make a deal that you can pick 2 nights to sleep in my bed each week and the other nights in your own bed" She says nothing. I laid down. Within about 10 minutes she wants to lay on me. I told her no, go to sleep. She tries to roll on top of me. I told her she would have to go to her room if she didn't go to sleep. Then she bit me! Hard on my chest. I was very upset.

I got up and took her to her room. She was very upset saying "No, mommy. I promise I won't do it!" I put her on her bed and walked away. I told her very, very sternly to stay there! I walked into the den and laid down on the sofa in the dark trying to calm myself and think of what to do. I laid there for about 30 minutes. She occassionally screamed out for me but I didn't answer. She was crying.

Finally I went in to my room in the dark and laid down. She then came in there. I told her I was going to sleep and if she wanted to stay in her room she could but in my room it was lights off and to sleep. She then laid there and continued to talk and fidget. I took her to her room. I sat on the floor until she fell asleep, which took about 30 minutes. I was so exhausted by this time!

I know there are probably a ton of things that can be picked apart in the above. I am writing it out here truthfully in black and white for some advice. I feel I am unable to get her to comply with rules and unable to enforce rules. Short of sitting on her or holding her down. I know she is under stress but stress or AS is no reason for a person to act rudely or meanly toward others.

If you've read all this and have any suggestions I'm open. If the consensus is I do lack parenting skills well I guess I better figure out how to get some... I am very overwhelmed.

I just wanted to post an update: My daughter has slept in her room every night this week and has been asleep by 8:30 every night. How did I do it? I set up a visual schedule. I outlined what we would be doing throughout the day. At 7pm she takes a bath and after that time there is absolutely NO tv. She pitched a fit for the first few nights and I just sat and read to her. I don't think she was listening to the stories but she did go to sleep! Plus, I've been giving her .5 mg of Melatonin at 7:30pm each night.

The schedule is the big breakthrough I think. Tracker made me realize she was having pretty severe anxiety and I brainstormed and thought perhaps the lack of structure this summer was detrimental rather than "de-stressing". Wow. The results have been fantastic. She watches the clock and schedule and enjoys doing what's on the list. It's mostly the same stuff but now it is scheduled and I believe that has relieved some anxiety she was manifesting. I have really limited the tv time. I've been enforcing the schedule and firm limits. I think she feels a lot safer with the boundaries and so far is doing well.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions!

Wow! What a great solution and outcome!I want to say that I am so proud of you and you are such a good mom. Your idea has given me an idea for our family. Thank you.

What's interesting is every month you have screwed up with your child, it will wake a month to reverse it but with a seven year old, it will take seven years to reverse it (Or is that months?) So her daughter be 14 by the time she can sleep in her own bed and other stuff she had been taught for the last seven years.

This is something I have read. I don't know if it's true or not. I can't remember if it's years or months.

That sounds like Dr Phil crap psychology to me! If there is ONE thing I have learned about my daughter it is that she is the MOST resilient being I have ever met. If I find the key to reducing the anxiety, other problematic behaviors subside. Now I can't eliminate the anxiety totally but every step is a learning experience.

I'm glad that things are going well for you. Life may not always be easy, but learning how to solve problems makes us better people one step at a time. Hopefully this learning experience will help both you and your daughter.

I don't know if you want my perspective, seeing as how I'm not a parent, but I was like that. I kept needing to sleep with someone for much longer than others. As a teen, I often still have my dad come in and lie with me for a bit, but I can get to bed alone if I need to now. No one did anything except be patient.

My mom confessed that she was scared, when I was that age and a few years older, that I'd get into serious trouble with the law. She made a huge mistake, because I couldn't grasp what it was that she wanted me to do, so she thought I wasn't listening. So she'd scream louder and louder with scarier and scarier stories about what the police were going to do to me if I did this or that. I never figured out what it was that would cause it, so I'm still scared of police, but when I was younger it meant I was certain that randomly, for no reason, they would pull me over and taze me and take me to jail. (And once in jail... don't drop the soap.) Until recently, despite being high-functioning, that meant that I never expected to function in society; I was pretty sure I'd never hold down a job or own my own home. (That wasn't the scary part. The scary part was knowing if that happened, I'd be stuck under my mother's control forever.) So... please don't do that. I mean, being terrified of the police is healthy (they'll kill me if I'm pulled over, or worse-- just look what happened to Neli), but be sure you don't go totally overboard pounding it into her head.