Hour and a half meltdown in the car.

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Today was the day my 8 yr old daughter had to go back down to her fathers to finish out his summer visitation. I'd been trying to talk positive and prepare her for it and she would usually just get mad at me for even bringing it up. We got in the car and after about 30 mins she asked where we were going and me and her grandma told her back to her fathers for 11 days. All hell broke loose in the car then. For the next hour and a half she came undone completely. She screamed and cried and raged. We tried talking to her and trying to understand just exactly what was so bad about going and she would scream "Everything is wrong there! EVERYTHING!" I asked her was it wrong because things were bad, or was it wrong because things were different. She screamed "It's all wrong because everything is different and the things that are different can't be changed!" She was hysterical and accused me of not loving her because I wouldn't just let her come back home. She told me that I think of her as a piece of dirt, that I care about her as much as I care for a piece of little thread, etc She screamed "Have mercy, oh dear lord and jesus, have mercy on me!" It was one of the worst meltdowns I have seen. She got violent and kicked and hit me. She took scissors she had in the back to play with cutting paper and threatened to tear the car up. I told her that some the things that she didn't like about down there have been worked on (she will now have her own room, there is a window unit in her room now, they were going to take her to the store to pick out food she likes to eat, they fumed the house to get rid of the fleas and roaches, some family members of her fathers girlfriend who had been living there were now gone so there would be 4 less people around, etc). She didn't care about any of it. She screamed that we were torturing her by taking her there and that when she was at her fathers she felt like she was in a tiny cage that she couldn't even turn around in and that it felt like jail. It was horrible. I tried to stay calm the whole time and reassured her that it was going to be better and if she would just give it a chance she would see. Her grandma was a nervous wreck because she doesn't see a lot of the bad meltdowns she has and she didn't know what to do to help. I told her grandma that I thought once she got there that she would settle down and it would be okay. I called her Dad and told him that she was upset and didn't want to come and that he would need to talk to her for a while. So, when we got to the place we were doing the drop off at we had him come in the car and talk to her. He reassured her that he had worked on the things that had bothered her and that he had missed her, etc It took about 30-45 mins and she eventually got okay about it and left with him after making sure of what day we would be picking her back up.

Now I am just drained emotionally. I know that there is nothing terribly bad going on at her fathers house, it's just that it's different and it's not home and everything that she is used to. It seems like the visitations are getting harder on her when I thought that over time it would get easier. I don't know if she's just getting more set in her ways as she gets older, or what. I am hoping that this visit goes well but in her rage she screamed that she was going to do everything she could to make them not want her to come back. Hopefully that was just something she said in the heat of the moment and not something she intends on trying to do.

Sorry for the long vent.

*sigh*

I think visitation must be very difficult for an AS child your daughter's age. Most AS kids do like things "just so," and have a very hard time with change. If there is any way for her father to understand how real this distress is, and that it isn't about him (it isn't), and maybe agree to delay the enforcement of visitation for a while, that might help.

You can't postpone talking about it with your daughter; she MUST be prepared for these visits, and know EXACTLY when they are going to happen. Letting it turn into a surprise makes things much, much worse.

How is your daughter as a traveler? As in, on vacation? My AS son has a hard time sleeping over with friends, but is a breeze when traveling across the world or across the country. For some reason change that is travel to a new and fascinating place is different than other change. It might be easier for her father to take her on vacation with him than for him to have her in his home. Even if it's just camping, assuming your daughter likes camping. Try brainstorming some of these ideas with him (if you have a positive enough relationship to be able to do that) and see what he is willing to try.

Beyond that ... feel free to vent. You are in a difficult situation.

I had spoke to her about going back to her fathers on and off leading up to yesterday and the night before I brought up the subject again. She was in a mood in the morning which I assumed was because she knew where she was going. We went to her grandma's house because we were going to go together in one car (it's a 4hr round trip) and when we pulled up she asked was her father there and I said no, he's at his house waiting. So I thought she knew what was going on but I didn't elaborate because I didn't want to make her mad.

I feel better today after getting feedback last night and this morning that all is okay, she has settled down but he doesn't want us to talk to her yet because he thinks she will get upset again. I will try to call tomorrow and tell her hello and I hope that she's enjoying herself down there. Her father said she got upset as he drove off but once she got to his house and got around his GF and her two little kids she calmed down. I guess she just freaked out about the transition. I told her father not to take it too personally, that certainly there are things about his place bothering her, but the meltdown I believed was more over the transition and her not wanting any change. He has tried to make changes at his place to help her feel better about going, so I give him props for that. But, if she continues to have meltdowns as bad as this one during visitation change I feel like it's not in her best interest. She screamed during the meltdown that she just wanted to visit for the day, or she wanted him to come visit her because she didn't want to stay in his house. She didn't say she didn't want to see him, she raged that she didn't like going to his house and that when she was there she felt homesick and felt like she was in a tiny cage. But I doubt he would be open to coming and staying at his mothers house to visit her, but I could ask.

I don't know. Sometimes it feels like there is no right answer that will please everybody. Thanks for reading.

I don't have a lot of advice.......but wanted to say
((((Hugs))))) - the car ride/aftermath had to be horrible for you. I know what you mean when you say you were emotionally drained. I brought DD home early from a week-end family reunion that she had been excited about for months - the three hour car ride home made a wreck of me. After an hour, she finally calmed down - only to start up again about 30 minutes later. This continued the whole way home - and was the first thing she started in on when she thumped up the stairs to wake me up at 7 am the next day.

I'm hoping that her father will be able to help figure out a better way for your daughter. The situation for her has to suck all the way around. And, you're right, it probably has nothing to do with her father, and everything to do with the transition and somewhat unfamiliar (or less familiar) surroundings when she's there.

Hope things have settled down a little for you and for your daughter. I know this has to be very hard. I am an NT, and I had to go visit my father every summer, and the older I got, I just didn't want to leave my friends and my things to go there. So, I can imagine that it is even more difficult for her. Hopefully, you and your ex can work something out. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Hang in there......

Wow if you felt drained, imagine how she felt! Meltdowns are horrifying to anyone who is experiencing them or is being affected by them. I suggest you find out more why she feels this way, because not everything is as surfaced as it seems. Try to make it so that she doesn't HAVE to go. Eventually, if she feels that she can handle it, she will ask you if she can visit him. Good luck.

This is exactly what my childhood entailed.

Indeed, he should follow her request, as my dad also took me out to places and that is where I had fun with the family! Once I got used to his house, it was okay though, especially since he hasn't moved at all in forever. He just needs to at least take her to Mc Donalds or some little uncrowded place and just do stuff together, even those little gyms with all the playground equipment.

I wish you luck, as just like your daughter, at that age, I hadn't a clue about my own feelings (still trying to discover them even now as I'm almost 21). I'm not officially diagnosed with Aspergers, but I have lived through the life of being diagnosed with ADHD and a horde of other diagnosis, and none of them ever addressed many of the issues I have had that said aspergers. Your daughter reminds me of my own childhood.

I wish your family the best of luck and hope things are going better now!

I have a slight suggestion that might work, and would in addition like to state that it's probably good that dad got rid of non-family guests (probably the biggest concern for your child - non-family residents don't ever "feel" right or permanent)

The suggestion is that dad's house (especially now that she has her own room) have a ginormous overstuffed teddybear of some sort that HAS an assigned place where it will always reside in dad's house. Where noone but her can toch or move it. I call this sort of item an "Anchor" because, like a ship at sea, your daughter is feeling sloshed on the waves of a storm, not knowing what conditions she will face at the 'sea of dad'... sure she knows dad is there and stepmom and step sisters.. but those are people. people are unpredictable. Teddybear in the east corner of the purple room with charlie the brown stuffed horse in his arms at all times.. that's predictable. That you can PROMISE her will be there and be unchanged. It's an anchor she can focus on... a solid weight in the sea of confusion.

And it doesnt need to be a teddybear. Just needs to be something predictably located where she last saw it safe. It can be Barbie Brand Bedsheets. It can be her Looney Tunes nightlight.
It can be a jar of pickled beets if it has to be

.. you know her better than I do

Thanks for that suggestion, OddFiction.

I tried to call tonight and no one will answer so I figure they might be out visiting or something. Her grandma spoke to her yesterday and said she was in a good mood so I was glad to hear that. Hopefully the changes they have made have helped.

I'm sure she was exhausted after the meltdown because it was a doozy.

Can you give her a big huge calender that you/she can mark off the days she will be with you and the days she will be with dad? I used to do that with my dd years ago and it helped so much. Years later my dh and I had two boys who were spectrum and we do things like this too. Since my dd is quite older we had no clue of the dx, but preparing her for changes worked really well.

Also can you give her more things to do in the car next time you go? My kids have a horrible time with unstructured time so we try to do things like giving them books, or paper to draw/color or even a gameboy with a new game or movies to watch on the portable dvd player.

Meltdowns are never fun, and sometimes they hit when you least expect it. I had thought I had prepared my kids for my mothers memorial but when we moved from the church to the hall for lunch my son started climbing under the tables and hissed at people. When we left he had a huge meltdown in the churh parking lot over balloons. It was bad as the one who lost it gets violent and I had to work on calming him down. Many people from my moms church saw him and it was sooo hard.
Basically, I shouldn't of just assumed. sometimes our kids will do well when we expect the worst and do bad when we think their going to be okay.

It's hard.

Is she perhaps eating unhealthy foods when at her fathers? I ask this because certain foods wreak havoc on my daughter's emotional modulation. She will go berzerk over little things and think they are the end of the world. These types of outbursts greatly decreased after I put her on a "clean" diet-that is free is artifical colors, flavors, and preservatives. Also, your daughter's "itchiness" that I saw in your Python video also leads me to think foods might be causing some of it. I know I used to think diet couldn't possibly be the culprit-and it's not completely-but these types of rages (physical and extreme verbal aggression) decreased with the diet changes for my daughter. It's possible the change in scenery and schedule plus bad food could all being playing a role in the outburst.

Just an idea.

I see her fidgeting/scratching get worse when she's more anxious so I thought perhaps it might be tied in with her Asperger's somehow. Just wondered if other people have noticed, or experienced it.

She is used to eating meat and vegetables here at home and at her grandma's. When she goes down to her father's she complains that they don't eat vegetables, that they eat a lot of pasta dishes and sides. She really has never been a huge pasta and rice fan - except for spaghetti, which she loves. She also complained about eating a lot of sandwiches. I explained that pasta and sandwiches were less expensive foods and so maybe they were a little short on money and having to eat that way. She said "No, they are just lazy and don't want to cook actual meals.". Last time I committed the terrible sin of too many sandwiches (3 nights in a row), on the 3rd night she loudly exhaled and when I asked what was wrong she asked me when was I going to cook an "actual" meal, I told her it was an actual meal, then I was informed that "actual" meals are ones that you "actually" cook on the stove... So, while she isn't necessarily a picky eater, there are a few things that just won't fly with her.

Not so sure that things are diet related as far as additives/preservatives/artificial things, seems to be that they just eat differently from how she likes to. Her father took her to the store to pick out some veggies and she was happy to pick out one of her favorite sides, which is broccoli with shredded cheese sprinkled over it. I can imagine her trying to talk the GF's little boys into trying it, lol. Last school year she bothered the cafeteria so much asking for it all the time that they went ahead and started serving it.

Happy to hear the visit is still going well!