She's a great kid!

Post Reply New Topic

I've never said my daughter isn't a great kid, but every time I try to explain a difficulty we have with her everyone says she's just fine and she's a great kid. Everyone ignores my concerns because she's such a great kid.

HI, I'm obviously new here. I joined because I'm tired of having no one to talk to about my Aspie child.

My daughter "R" is almost 15, she starts high school tomorrow. After years of fighting the system she was Dx'd with sensory integration disorder, and I was thrilled there was a name for how she was until I found out it's almost a bogus Dx and she'd be getting no help for it. Now we finally have the Aspie Dx and we're still getting no help.

She's had an IEP for many years but it's mostly ignored by the schools. I homeschool my other children but sent her to public school because I had no clue how to teach her. Now I think we're going to to have to start homeschooling her again and I still don't know how to teach her.

She's reading at a 4th grade level and I fought the school all last year to test for her for it. (her Dr already tested her, so that's how we knew her level) She's getting A's and B's in school (don't ask me how) so the SPED dept said I had no grounds to be concerned. After the testing they seemed shocked her Dr and I were right. The head of SPED at the school came straight out and said at the IEP meeting if it were his decision he would never have allowed her to have an IEP since she seems fine. (BTW her math skills are great!)

Anyway, I'm frustrated that I have no clue how to teach her. For years I've played games that make her read, push books and video games and now we're starting an advanced spelling program that I hope will help. I'm at my wits end. She seems totally oblivious to any problems she has. She's the poster child for functionally illiterate.

It's not only reading I can't figure out how to teach her.. I can't figure out how to teach her basic social skills, I can't figure out how to get her to remember things she has to do daily (we've done everything from check off lists to picture cards)

ugh.. ok I'm open to suggestions.

You may want to look for a book named "Homeschooling the Asperger's Child". My parents found it on amazon, and they say it helped a lot. However, in case you don't find it, there are lots of books on how to teach a child with Asperger's, and how to make school interesting for them. I know that they helped, specially after one of thos books went as a gift to my school, afterwards, I wasn't the kid who day dreamed and stared into oblivion anymore. Even though it was still difficult for me to get focused, it really helped, because now I could see what was expected of me.

The schools cannot ignore an IEP - it's the law.

You have to be the squeaky wheel - call the special ed department and ask for an IEP meeting with her team. They can not ignore your requests - if they do, make sure you have it documented that you called, sent a request via registered mail, etc. Documentation of their ignoring her IEP will be your key to getting them to follow the IEP. You can request additional testing for reading/language - do it. Make the school accountable and again - document it. (Are you seeing a pattern here?) The onus is on the school to make sure they're providing a free and appropriate education for your daughter.

If you get into the meetings with them, and I expect you will, ask why you can do to help at home. Ask what tools, suggestions, resources, etc., they can provide you with to help them help your daughter. This is in the best interest of everyone - your daughter needs to have a good education and good reading skills are important; you need see her have better success in this area (and of course, doesn't every parent); and by her reading at grade level or higher, then she will do better on standardized tests for the school.

If they continue to ignore her IEP and then take it to your school department and/or school board (not sure where you live or what would be next in the chain of command for the school), and the state's department of education would be next, etc.

Finally, remember to be sincere but firm. I sense you're frustrated but yelling, threatening, or screaming will not help. It's best to let them know you're documenting what's being done. (Ask for names when you're on the phone, and mention you're taking notes.) The subtle hints that you might escalate this issue are your best tool - that and good ol' fashioned manners - will help. The team at the school will be more willing to give you extra time if you're not "a bully" when you approach them - believe me when I say they see plenty of that already.

Good luck and please keep me posted.

I had a similar situation with my daughter, who is grown now. I struggled with her school, all the time. They didn't know she was on the spectrum, and neither did I! I finally found a small private school for "exceptional" kids, and was able to get her a scholarship. She improved drastically there; the classes were very small, and she received a lot of one on one attention. Maybe you could look around for something similar? Also, check into advocacy groups for children on the spectrum, who might have additional ideas?

Sounds like of like me, only switch elementary reading level with math, and excellent math with excellent reading skills and pull me out of any school all together.

I guess a place to start is learning all that you can about how AS think. For that, you've come to the right place. What you find isn't going to be all roses, and individual personality plays into what people will write to you and how they'll interpret your queries just as much as it will with any large population of individuals, I'll warn you right off, but please don't give up. You don't know how to teach her because you don't understand how she thinks, right? If you keep reading, at some point, you'll start to get information that clicks for your unique child.

As for the "she's fine," statements, we all know those. Schools have a lot on their plates, and they will not naturally worry about a child that is getting by. Which, like it or not, your daughter is. Sounds like she's smart enough to have hidden her reading issues and identify what it takes to get good grades (some AS are like that, a bit opposite from my son, who often refuses to do anything he finds illogical no matter how many times I explain it will get him the grade, but that is another topic). Consider that your consolation prize; she has one useful life skill.

But, as parents, we know that "fine" isn't good enough. We want our kids to thrive, and it is our job to push the schools to get whatever we decide is needed to accomplish that. The more you can ask for accommodations that don't drastically alter school policy and that don't cost anything, the better success you are likely to have. I remember sitting at one meeting and, after being told no, asking this series of questions: (1) Do you agree this would benefit my child? (2) Is not the purpose to this meeting to tailor my child's education to maximize his learning? (3) Is there any good reason you can give me besides policy NOT to implement this suggestion? (4) Can we agree that what I am asking will not cost the school or district a single addition cent? (5) Is there a law or any other overriding document to prevent this? They ended up agreeing to my request. My son is still the only child to have that accommodation.

Sometimes you'll give in; sometimes they will. After all, your goals and those of the school are rather opposite. But, middle ground that is effective should be able to be found.

I will say, however, that many many AS kids end up being homeschooled. If that is something you have experience with, I wouldn't throw it out just yet. Once you get a more solid idea of how your daughter responds to different teaching methods, you might feel more able to offer it. There isn't that much that schools know about educating an AS child that go beyond what a parent with education experience might know, and often the opposite is true.

Thank you Chas, I've had an IEP for her since probably 2nd grade, so I know the game and the arguments. Now we're in a tiny school with almost no resources.. I'm hoping the high school has more than the middle school. We'll see

Hartz, no there's nothing like that here.. I live in a very rural area, and this is our only school choice other than homeschool.


DW_a_mom, she doesn't play games or hide anything to pass her classes.. she turns in papers that are misspelled, unintelligible and messy. The school told me they don't check spelling and such, they are more interested in her learning the content of the class.

I'm spending some time reading through the forum to see if I can find ideas on how she thinks and learns.

When I say "play the game," I'm not trying to suggest anything intentionally manipulative. Just simple things like her figuring out that the teachers don't care if she spells correctly or writes neatly and, thus, she isn't overly motivated to improve in those areas, which no doubt are extremely difficult for her. She will know what she has to do to get the grade and presumably is doing that.

A child can hide learning problems without meaning any harm and sometimes without even meaning to. My mom still tells the story of my first grade year, where I was put in the advanced reading group because I was so obviously smart. But I couldn't read yet, and I was shy, and if it was my turn to read I stayed quiet and the teacher didn't push. Plus, I was smart enough to have certain things memorized. I wasn't trying to pull anything over on anyone, but innate things about me led the teacher to reach incorrect conclusions.

Has she been checked for hypomobility issues in her hands, btw? Loose joints? That is a common issue with AS. My son cannot write neatly, either, and cannot spell, and most likely will never ... 5 years of OT did not "fix" it ... but he is using the tools the world has available to turn in legible and correctly spelled essays. The IEP prioritized getting him proficient with the keyboard, and this past year our big goal was to get him comfortable with the lengthy process of editing and spell checking and turning what starts as his own language into something the world can read. It is something we all agreed he has to be able to do, he can't meet his own life goals without it, and so he's been taught an effective work-around (next up: note taking. He can't read his own notes but not all notes can be typed, so that is the goal for this year's academic support). Obviously, it helped motivate him that his teacher last year most definitely DID grade on spelling and legibility; the IEP allowed us to do that with computer assistance, but did not change the reality that the spelling and grammar were graded, and we didn't want it to, since we believed it was a step he was ready for (thankfully we were right).

R, has an intentional tremor in her hands. At home I encourage her to do her work on the computer. She was supposed to have a keyboard in school (it's on her IEP) but after signing out that $400 piece of equipment they never gave it to her to use (found out other kids were using it though). I neglected to ask about it (just didn't cross my mind to ask) and R never knew she should have told me about it.

400 dollars? I got an alphasmart for around 20 dollars used. The school first gave me one that didn't work, so we bought one on our own.

My son's principal (who is a wonderful one) will often tell me he's "a great kid" when she sees me feeling down or frustrated. I know she is trying to help, but I have to supress the thought "of course you think he's great, he's never tried to kill YOU."

My son IS a great kid, and because of that, it's very difficult for people to believe there is a problem - because he is so "high-functioning" (lord, I hate, hate, hate all these labels and euphemisms.) I can't tell you how many times I've called the school social worker to let her know that something was brewing, only to have a violent explosion at school several weeks later. We finally have a 504 which will help, but the school's resources are stretched to the outmost, and I've come to the realization that the school can't do much more than what it does already.