How do you manage to keep your marriage together?

Post Reply New Topic

Today on MSN there was an article about a troubled marriage with an autistic child. It talked about how the wife felt that the husband didn't take her early concerns seriously and that all the responsibility fell on her shoulders.

I have been divorced for 3 1/2 years and the scenario portrayed was very familiar. I am now beginning a new relationship and I wonder, if it should lead to marriage, would we have what it takes to survive?

How do those of you that managed to keep your marriage together actually deal with the issues of having a special needs child?

Has anyone divorced and remarried? How are your child's ASD issues handled? What advice can you give to someone that might one day want to remarry?

I don't profess to have all (or even many) of the answers, but I've got quite a few years under my belt at this point, so I might have an idea or two

Our son was dx'd with AS a year and a half ago at age 10. However we had lived through about 8 years of wondering what the heck was going on with this kid. Meanwhile my husband, his father, really seemed clueless about a lot of it, and everything seemed to fall on my shoulders. I'd send him to the store for 5 items (with a detailed list) since we found bringing DS to the store wasn't worth the hassle, and DH would come home with three of the items, two of which were wrong in some way, and three items we didn't need.

After figuring out son's dx on the computer (then getting it confirmed by a psychologist) one night I couldn't sleep and I had one of those "AHA" moments where I realized my dh was also on the spectrum.

Alot of things we instituted help in many different kinds of households:

Central calendar - large write on/wipe off kind, with major activities written on it. A smaller similar plain board is on the fridge, and it lists each daily activity - brush teeth, get backpack, catch bus, etc.

If something were to happen in my marriage, I doubt seriously I'd even consider another relationship while my ds is still young. IF we manage to get him off to college, maybe.

I don't know where your child is on the functioning level, but how many other people do you think are going to have the patience to tell him he has to wipe before pulling up his pants 15 times in a row? Sometimes you just have to be in a "gotta do it" situation to get yourself to do some things.

Marriages take a lot of work under the best of circumstances, think about how you might feel marrying someone else who has a special needs child?

We love our kids, it's the most exhausting work on the planet, but we wouldn't trade it for the world. However, we can't just expect someone else to step into our shoes with us. My son's own brother, 13 years older than him, sent him into a horrid spiraling meltdown when he visited and dh and I went out to dinner for an hour. We almost had to hospitalize ds. My older son couldn't handle him for an hour, and he grew up around him for years.

Just my .02. (ok .04 - longer post than I planned)

our marriage has been interesting to say the least....we have 3 kids & for a very long time, we just figured that our oldest was just like his dad when he was little~nothing to be concerned with...that is until our son began to have problems with bullies...after many wrong dx's, he finally got the dx of AS. hubby got his dx 2 months later. our daughter is in the process of being evaluated.we have one NT son.
to say that this life has been a rollercoaster would be an understatement. some days i honestly don't know how i keep things going. other days, i don't know how i would want anything different. weekly therapy sessions & a night out per week with my friend helps to alleviate some of the stress....would i marry again ? probably not. my kids are difficult~ i know this...i can't imagine someone else being as patient with my kids on a 24/7 basis..

I have issues with people blaming marriage/relationship/mental health issues on their autistic children. Being part of a new family is tough work and raising kids is a job. You either can do it or not. Husbands don't check out of being fathers because their kids are defective, they check out because THEY are defective. My parents were jerks, not because I was a difficult kid to raise, but because they were jerks. My brother was the ideal child and he realized that they just were jerks.
My husband and I wished for a child "just like us" and boy did we ever get what we asked for! A chip off the ol' Blockheads. We just didn't realize that MiniMe required Special Instructions and diagnosis.
So, our marriage has had its ups and downs. The worst time was when my husband was working too hard and I was having a pre-MidLife Crisis. I just wanted to be 24 again, 130 lbs and whatnot. But that really didn't have much to do with my son's special needs. In fact, his needs are probably what really glued us together.

the reality of a life with a child with special needs ( whether it be aspie, autie, MR, CP, Bipolar, ODD, OCD etc) is that some people are not cut out to deal with these things on a regular, routine basis. as a parent, you deal with what you are given in the best way you can ~ because you have agreed to love this wonderful being. but to assume that a new person coming into a relationship is somehow defective because they cannot deal with a child with special needs is ridiculous. i would so much rather know up front that someone can't deal with it than find out later.

I can definately agree that marriage is hard under any circumstance. Our situtation is further complicated by our lack of structure; I work 3rd shift and not always the same days, my huband works 1st shift so we parent alone at many times. I also suspect that my husband falls into the AS category because he tends to be disorganized and not very social, but not to the degree of my son.
I also have some issues of my own with depression that have been intensified from dealing with my AS child. Recently, I have felt a total failure as a mother and spouse. I tend to take my son's shortcomings way too personal and I have just come to realized that it's my problem, not my husband's or my kids. Hopefully my marriage can survive while I figure it all out.

You're not a failure you're doing the best you can, it's hard when you have a son and a husband with AS, I know I can be hard to live sometimes. But I disgress I'll be sending positive vibes your way.

On another note I really like your avatar. I think Tom Cruise has special needs.

I didn't say a new person entering (and leaving) an already existing relationship is defective. I said parents who check out on their kids/spouses are defective. Meaning, the whole blame game is about denying responsibility. Frankly, I can't see joining a family that is already established. But creating a family is different. If you brought them into this world, you should stick with them.

I agree that marriage under any cirumstances is tough. It's a constant work in progress and there are ups and downs. I think parenting a child with exceptional needs can put an added strain on it if one parent feels the they're carrying most of the load when it comes to providing for their childs needs.

We've been on a rollercoaster ride ourselves. My hubby works 18 hour days 6 days a week. That means it's all me all the time with the exception of Thursday evenings and Saturday afternoons. Last week he put in 120 hours alone. For a few years there was a lot of resentment. But it was almost easier to have him gone than to have him home because he wouldn't listen to what I had to say about DS and would constantly push his buttons. It was tough. He didn't do it intentionally, but he didn't get what I was saying about DS' needs (I knew long before he got his dx that something was up and DH disagreed).

But here we are 7 years later and it's good. It took me fighting for what my own needs were. That meant DH had to educate himself on AS. He had to respect what I had to say about the kids because I'm the one that's with them 24/7. We went to family counselling which helped tremendously and I insisted that I get one evening out a week. That means on Thurs he HAS to be home by 6pm and I'm free as a bird.

I think its easy as a parent, either the Mum or hte Dad to feel burn out. What that happens in our house, we talk. Communication is always key. If our needs as a couple are met, then it makes it easier to meet the needs of our children, whether they're AS or NT.

We made a committment to fight for our kids and be their strongest advocate. It can get tiring. But that's just part of the job. We just try really hard to lose ourselves in the aspect of parenting because our needs are just as important.

We've been together about 10 years. I don't think anyone else could put up with either of us that long. Maybe that's what keeps us together.

I met my husband before we got the diagnosis. my husband fell in love with my son from day one as he did with me. i don't think having a son with AS put a strain on our marriage. the one thing I learned from my past relationship with my sons father and his kids is that if you don't have a united front as i call it you need to not pursue that relationship. if my husband and I do not agree on his treatment then we discuss.. we really never disagree. he is a dad to Ryan when he needs it the most. i have never played the denial game either.. i face his issues head on and when he is bad he gets punished for that.. we take into account bad days at school and lots of noise melts him down. my husband and I discuss raising our children.. i guess we are one of the few realtionships that works. kids are crafty and if they think that you don't agree they play off each of you.. i would allow this.. i learned from my past mistakes.. my sons dad never made his kids own up to their wrong doings. it was always someone elses fault, never his kids.. now don't get me wrong i cared for these kids for 10 years but it was a useless effort because what I was trying to teach them he un did.. he told them point blank that they did not have to listen to me.. that was my final straw.. i walked with a 15 month old and swore that I would never live this life again.. if i had to be alone then so be it.. i met a lot of jerks along the way that i knew would never be the united front that i wanted to have with someone. i felt that I had to explain my sons bizare personality.. which a mom should and should not do.. I let my husband meet my son well after the idea that we would go further.. he told me for so long not to worry about what he thought of my son that he was sure he would like him.. he did... united we stand... and we will not fail...

I am struggling as we speak. I am divorced to ds father but have a fiancee and ds is so stressful that finacee gets often upset at me because I cant get anyone to "fix" him. Like he is broke. One side of me wishes I could send him to his dad to keep him but on the other hand I dont think thats a good idea either. He would not keep up on his school and working with him. He would just let him do what he wanted. I am so stressed out that I finally had to break and go on anti depressants and I still am so stressed out. I fit the description of close to the nervouse break. I guess my advise is just to hang on its gonna be a bumpy ride. Hopefully I dont blow a tire and can hang on.

can i say this man is not at all in the haul with you if he thinks your child should be fixed. with my X's kids I tried very hard for him to realize that his kids needed therapy.. and they needed a father would not blame others for his childs issues.. never his fault but the teachers.. alcoholics are big time in denial. this man does not seem to me if he is for you and your child. if you need meds then you also need therapy to help you cope with the issues you have. if you give your son up to his dad he will always think you got rid of him.. this is what my x's kids thought because their mom did ship them off to their dad because she could not handle them. you need help sister and this man is not giving it to you.. it takes a lot for a man to step into a woman's life with children it takes a HUGE man to step into a life with a woman who has a child with AS... if he can not understand your son then he needs to take the highway..please seek out help you sound as if you need it..

re: Altanyia~ ditto ryansjoy

Altanyia ~ I see red flags going up all over the place with regards to the you described the relationship your fiancee has with your son and the position that it puts you in. What you have now, won't change after marriage so if you like the way it is, then go for it. But if it's not working now, fix it first, or end it before you take the next step.

One thing I noticed with my son was that when he had consistency between all the adults in his life (Mom, Dad, Teacher) that's why he started feeling comfortable in his own skin and improving in leaps and bounds.

When adults are not on the same page when it comes to how to communicate and handle a child, the child feels the stress and if a power play falls into their hands, it's even more stressful. Although people would assume that children enjoy playing one parent against the other, it's a lot of pressure on them. They look to use to help the world make sense to them and to teach them the coping and communication skills that they need.

If you're not getting the support that you need as a mother, and your son isn't getting the support that he needs to know that he's accepted the way he is, then what benefits does the relationship bring to you? That's a lot of stress for everyone involved.

Big hugs.

Well, our daughter is 8 and we're just figuring this stuff out. She's been relatively "normal" up until the past year. We had wondered since she was one year old and obsessively lined up cars, shoes, Little People, etc, and threw tantrums when she could not get objects to do what she wanted them to or her dad or I messed up her lines, if she had some sort of Autistic disorder. But she's done well in school, has a few friends, and seemed ok until recently. When I say that she's been relatively "normal", that's coming from the experiences of two parents who are also most likely Aspies and didn't realize it. LOL! From our POV, she was "normal."

My hubby and I "clicked" from day one. We just "got" each other. We were like best friends from the start and that quickly turned into more. We were married a mere 4 months after we met. We're going on 10 years now. I think the biggest thing that's helped us make it work is that we're so alike. It's like we share the same brain most of the time. I had never been able to connect with a person the way I did with him and haven't been able to since. We also realize that we are who we are and we can't change each other. We also can't expect to understand each other all the time and that's ok. We have to accept one another as we are. We also have to accept our children as they are.

We also have 2 adopted children who were born addicted to drugs(one with FAE) and have their own "problems" - including our 4 y/o who shows some Aspie signs as well(hand/finger flapping, self-imposed censory deprivation(head under pillows, dark places to calm down), emotional break-downs that are out of the "norm", inability to learn his letters and numbers, etc). We're hoping to deal with his issues once we have started to deal with our 8 y/o's.

We have a long, hard road in front of us and I'm glad we're travelling down this road together.